Necessary Mutilation

Yecch — I had an upsetting telephone call with a good friend from Rochester, who clearly would have fared better waiting until another day to return a message I left her some time ago.

I had been somewhat anxious about sharing the news of my surgery with her all along, and had decided to wait until it was “soup” before doing so — not realizing that if I waited any longer she’d be off to her long planned trip to England and I’d be post-operative.

So … I unfortunately left her a rather cryptic yet “urgent” message to call me -which she chose to do with clearly a lot on her plate and apparently raging PMS.  She prefaced our talk with “I can only talk a few minutes” and that she had a lot to do and was in some sort of hormonal snit.  Not exactly the warm, inviting, opening I had hoped to share such important information .  My mind raced as to whether to “bother” her at all - and decided there was no backing out now, especially after the way I’d worded myself on her answering machine days earlier.  Oh crap, what to do!

When it became apparent that I had few choices and fewer minutes, I gave the most abbreviated version of my decision, plans and dates - which was met with some “uh huhs”; “okays” and mostly nothing much at all.  In all fairness, this is not typical of this good and loyal friend of many years — although occasionally strong beliefs prior to this have cause us to “agree to disagree”.

We agreed further that talk best be saved to another day (hallelujah!) and I harbored no ill feelings - although I must admit this was the most awkward and off putting of all my conversations with anyone about my decision.

Just as with Janet, I know that we’ll revisit this talk if, and as necessary and friendship will prevail, regardless.  Life’s too short and we’re all too old now for anything less.

Well, Tom barfed all night and kept it up until about 2:00 this afternoon.  Way to lose weight.  Seriously though, I am worried why he seems to have had such trouble with yesterday’s dinner (if in fact this is the culprit).  Either way, how awful for a man with an already fragile esophagus (Tom suffers from Barretts esophagus - a pre-cancerous condition) to repeatedly barf up Duff’s extra hot wings!  Poor Tom!

He is still not well when Pete comes over for what was to be a dinner out and my telling him about my surgery.  Instead, Tom napped for much of my talk with Pete, only joining us at the end.  Pete, like many people I assume, knows little about the surgery and expectations associated with it, but knows a person or two who has had it with largely good outcomes.  As such, Pete is interested and supportive - asks a little; offers a little, but no strong reactions or comments either way.  I am glad when he asks Tom how he is doing with it in particular, as I hope for him to have support for himself - especially during the surgery and while he must visit the same hospital Karen died in.  Although I don’t want to ask, I secretly hope Pete will take the day off and stay with Tom during my actual surgery.

I so appreciate my “boss” and friend Kevin showing interest in my surgery and well-being at work today.  His questions didn’t sound like he was asking only to ensure others weren’t screwed in my absence - but reflected a genuine curiosity and investment in my process.  From such a busy, analytical, pragmatic man, I definitely consider this a compliment and an experience.  Thanks, Kevin … your sensitivity is like knowing how to talk to a grieving spouse at a funeral without sounding condesending or gratuitous, but genuinely connected, focused, and concerned.  Definitely refreshing, given some people’s reactions!

Well, I followed up with my friend Janet about her “attitude” when I told her, and she was shocked and surprised to think that she had said such things or that I had taken them this way.  She was open to talking it all through, apologized and admitted that she does have a tendency to say things in an off putting manner — including to her sister who is ill with cancer and probably experiences her as I did but with increased frequency.

In fact Janet took such heed and was so apologetic and expressed such gratitude at my caring message, that I ended up feeling somewhat badly for any pain I may have caused HER!  I also feel badly knowing that she is often overwhelmed with responsibilities to her sister, her job and her 2 big dogs; and struggles to keep up with everything on her plate as a single woman.

I knew though that the air needed to be cleared and that I could count on her to take heed so as “not to inadvertently alienate loved ones”.

We “hugged” (on the phone) and it was all good - and to me it is the best friendship when 2 people can be this honest and receptive and give and get feedback without worry over ruining the relationship.

We made plans to get together soon and enjoy one another’s company in a renewed way, and I trust that this is just what will happen.

Aah, the first day of spring! And the day I tell Mary Ellen, my boss, about my now likely to be in May surgery.  What fun we had contemplating the best timing and ways to share this information with my already traumatized and some rather dependent clients.  Also, as I typically inherit my student’s caseload after her early May departure, this puts a serious crimp in the concept of continuity of care and sensitivity to people’s feelings of abandonment.

We’re still not sure all the best ways to manage everything, but did agree on further consideration and larger discussion in next week’s staff meeting to include all my co-workers who may each need to oversee several of my clients.  Sorry everyone!  Really.

I am very grateful to work in such a cohesive, caring, supportive environment with wonderful colleagues who I know will step up to any plates asked of them. I couldn’t have done this at any other job or any other time with nearly the support I now feel.

Tonight, I also talked at length with my friend who not only had the surgery with Dr. C several years ago and has shrunk to skinny, but who has still told no one but her immediate family.  This I can’t fathom — I feel I would crumble from the lack of both support and help so vital to my ability to process and cope; plus, I make a lousy liar. For me, congruency and authenticity are vital and secrets are too difficult and complicated to keep straight or to keep at all.

But this apparently worked for Esmerelda (not her real name!) and I am very grateful that she sacrificed her privacy for my sake and is now a key confidante on this journey.  She has shared information and details I couldn’t get elsewhere, including how it feels before and just after surgery; an average days diet soon after and now years later; the management of cravings and tips for decreased problems associated with eating or drinking too fast, etc.  She has also offered to visit while I am hospitalized - but this one I have to think long and hard about.  I’ve always hated those woman, say, who give birth to triplets and then look better than I look just after a beauty makeover.  My normal morning look is frightful at best - a cross between Alfalfa and Frankenstein, and I’m not sure I wouldn’t die from humiliation if anyone but my husband saw me.

I guess I’ll have to decide between vanity and sociability … plus pain and drug tolerance and any other factors that may blur the lines of extroversion even more.

Who can possibly know how to answer such a question NOW?!

How odd to have such a long-term and good friend as Janet over (again) for hours tonight and not once did she inquire about, speak of, or even respond to anything related to my journey and upcoming appointment with the surgeon.  I think we mostly discussed her job and finances.

I really need to find the energy, wisdom, and centeredness to have a deep talk with her.  Some day….