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Hallelujah — tomorrow is finally my surgical consult! I called the office yesterday to ask if I came early if I could tour the facility (gym; nutrition department, etc.) and was heartened by the welcoming response. I feel ready to leave now! She said that I will also be given a full packet of information to read that includes a time line of requirements (bloodwork, dietary consult, etc., I guess) between tomorrow and bariatric surgery day. I love that they sound organized and planful, like I am. Just the same, anxiety about everything continues to make my skin crawl, and I doubt much of anything can ameliorate all aspects of it. There’s enough to cover every step and stage for before, during and after surgery! So many what-ifs that even if I had 24-hour access to past patients and unlimited opportunity to ask everything my heart desired, I think I’d still wonder, worry, fret, ponder….
I must admit that Tom’s stance is not helping my process, although I realize he has his own share of thoughts and worries. Lately I find him increasingly sarcastic (like today he actually “joked” that he planned to eat all kinds of favorite foods in front of me afterwards!) and superficial if I bring any aspect of weight loss up. He also never initiates this subject and still looks at me in a way that reinforces my suspicion that he thinks I may not really go through with it. Although I have never waivered in my intention and have said nothing to indicate doubt, all along Tom has said either to me or to others in my presence things that indicate that he either believes or secretly hopes that I will “change my mind once I see the needle or once she sees what she’s in for”. I’ve tried to discuss all aspects of this process with him especially out of fear that such a radical change may grow a wedge between us. Let’s face it; our marriage has thrived on the presence of a third partner called “addiction”, and the bonding of man-woman and cannoli. I worry as much about what he will eat and how, for his sake, as I do about my diet. We eat out nearly daily - is he really ready as he says he is to alter this, especially in my early days on Ensure and Jell-O? What will HE eat; where; how and with who if not me? Don’t other people wonder this, or is food so much bigger a focus here and between us, than with others??
If the psychologist wasn’t such a dork it would have been nice to have run such questions by him.
Maybe therapy will become necessary in time…?
Especially after tomorrow’s appointment!
What a beautiful almost-spring day. How breathless and exhausted I am tackling ordinary indoor and outdoor chores. Even shopping has become a challenge - my hips ache and my back throbs just walking through Target. If I don’t have the surgery soon I fear I’ll be bed bound and/or dead before them. I fear there is no stopping my eating momentum - for nearly the first time in much of my life I’m neither on a diet or feel guilty about this. I am eating with gusto and abandon now as if the surgery will erase any weight gain or problems that may stem from such a last fling. What if I am horribly misguided and find it that much harder to 1). Lose the extra pounds I’m gaining, 2). Stop the momentum and 3). Grieve the loss of such a lifestyle and favorite foods in unlimited quantities that much more because of this.
Now worry that rather than missing the guilt and torment and struggle associated with obesity itself; I will miss the addictive “fun (?!)” of eating without regard. Arrgh - what am I doing to myself! I feel like a train chugging full speed forward, toward a wall of dangerous and impenetrable Twinkies; pizzas and fries!
At least something nice did happen today. Tom and I went with his childhood friend “Corky” to our monthly metal detection meeting (ha - like I’ve been limber enough to detect in years, now!). Anyway, Corky came over afterwards so we could consult mutual calendars to plan a shared dinner (what else is new!) for Tom’s April 15th birthday. Because the planning of events even beyond this date and other matters arose, I felt compelled to tell him about my surgery intentions. It was so refreshing when, after listening carefully and without the often observed look of disgust or surreptitious glances towards my ample body, Corky calmly responded positively and encouragingly of my decision, and then told me of a friend and another female he knew who’d undergone the surgery some years back with largely positive results.
I think back on what my likely reaction was when Diane, a co-worker/friend at the time, announced her plans to have gastric bypass - and now feel so ashamed that I likely responded how I felt at the time -grossed out and uninformed. I do believe that I asked insensitive and stupid questions; probably scrunched my nose at the mention of what I then thought of as barbaric and gross, and probably gossiped about her plans with other colleagues afterwards. I do recall a co-worker of ours saying “I would never do such a thing!” in disdain and horror, thus seconding the motion.
Now I guess it is horribly unfair of me to hold others, especially those without weight problems and with little exposure to information about gastric bypass to such high standards of responsiveness and openmindness. I can only hope mass media attention on the issue of both obesity and the surgery itself, (”Obesity Clinic”, “Big Medicine,” etc. on TV) has enlightened others besides me.
I must say that I did talk at some length with a good friend from Rochester today - catching up; early planning for spring get together etc. - without a single word about my plans. Quite honestly - I “fear” her reaction and suspect it will be similar to mine of the past - and have decided to wait until I have an actual surgery date set. It’s hard to tell if this fear is real, or if it is Memorex?
What a wonderful evening Tom and I spent with Nancy and Charlie! Once again eating was the centerpiece — first at a restaurant and afterwards for dessert and coffee into the evening at our house. Although I’m the only obese one of us, I know we all enjoyed the food as well as the company. How nice to be able to discuss a full range of subjects with reciprocity and interest — and that bringing up my impending surgery consult is met with intelligent questions and interest rather than blank stares or self-conscious and uncomfortable repertory.
Today Tom and I went to his church for an annual raffle / drawing / event. I felt self-conscious and uncomfortable as we sat together nibbling free pretzels and pop and ate pizza just because it was there.
Bad food, bad feelings — but the raffle atmosphere and support for Tom’s church compelled us both to go and put up with it all.
Remind me to read this next March, when it rolls around again, and either: 1) Find an alternative way to donate, or 2) Be thinner, less uncomfortable, and more social so I might just enjoy the event!
Went again to the casino. I can’t be sure anymore if I’m more compelled to go to gamble or to eat their fabulous buffet.
Both are mighty draws and both usually end with guilt and despair….
The clams are back! Aaaahhh…
Does everyone who gets a gastric bariatric have such a love affair with food beforehand? And still lose weight? And not enter into a deep, dark, grief-stricken depression at the loss of fried clams?!
Woo hoo, it’s Friday and there’s a Chinese auction to attend!
So, off Tom and I (me thrilled, he the obedient, easily-pleased husband) go, to meet my friend Nancy there. Although chaotic, loud, crowded, and over-stimulating — there are chances to win, win win! As my other addiction is gambling, collecting, hoarding, owning just about everything — I love auctions, theme tray or otherwise; casinos; garage sales, flea markets; and the Salvation Army. So, tonight was a thrill despite my way-more-maternal-than-I friend calling it “hell on earth” to be surrounded by hundreds of over-wound elementary-age kids. But, I did win, win, win. A twenty-dollar certificate for Subs, ten dollars for a fish joint, a magazine subscription, Philharmonic tickets, and Avon products. Someone else won the other restaurant certificates, other snack foods, the ice cream basket, and the HUGE chocolate bunny. I’m not sure whether to be glad or sad.
So, now we have even more places we need to eat out at before either my certificates expire or my stomach does. So many indulgences, so little time!
I’ve looked forward to dinner at my favorite restaurant (The Olympia, on Niagara Falls Blvd.) tonight for the weeks since it was arranged. Oh yeah — and seeing my cousins Ken and Ann, too!
Tom and I arrived early to save a booth (with a table that moves to accommodate my girth - hallelujah!). While ordering drinks to wait with, I engage in a discussion with the waitress about my favorite menu item - the fried clams. Better than any I’ve eaten anywhere, including those in Boston or the New Hampshire coast; I’d craved them all week.
When my cousins finally arrived, my first words were of “tragic news!” that so started them and caused a look of such apprehension that I realized how serious I must have sounded. My news - the CLAMS HAD BEEN DISCONTINUED! Aaaghh! Bless Kenny’s heart for recognizing the enormity of this tragedy enough to say that he too was disappointed and had indeed planned to order them too after I had raved about them when we planned this outing together.
Clearly - I need help. I also can’t help but wonder just how I’ll fare in a perpetual existence without fried clams and other favorite foods. Although I’ve heard people post surgery say things like - “You just don’t crave the same bad foods anymore” or “You won’t want things like you used to” - its probably like having kids - you really can’t know until you’re a parent.
And…the both good and bad news of today is that although the clams were supposedly discontinued because “not enough people were ordering them” - they are due back for lent and will allow me a last indulgence or two before I guess I “just won’t care anymore”.
Oh, and we had a great time with my cousins too!
Tonight our whole work team (all like seven of us plus spouses) met up at Frank’s Sunny Italy to say goodbye to Ron, a departing psychologist, and hello to Dan, an incoming social worker.
Although these changes were made some time ago, who stands in the way of a good excuse to party!?
Nice evening, nice people, lots of nice food.
Stuffed as usual — but happy.
Another day, another act of hedonism.
As Tom was off today we decided to head off to the casino for fun and food. What we ended up with was empty pockets and (very) full stomachs.
God their buffet is to die for, and please strike me dead right now, but I will miss miss miss the all-you-can-eat crab legs, pulled pork, and numerous other delicacies.
I think I’m in LOVE with my food…. I wonder what “normal” is.
I’m not sure if I feel worse about this revelation or the money we lost…
Either way sucks!
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March 18th, 2009 | 
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