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Weight” 191.2 lbs.
I don’t want to be, but I am. Looking ahead, that is. There is much to tend to.
Today I am heading into work as tomorrow I have clients packed into every minute, and I fear that if any administrative work, phone calls or paperwork has been left for me in my absence (which is hugely likely!), then there is no way that I will have time to get to it until like Friday, as I have a record number of clients to see each day this week. I’d rather ease myself back into reality more gently that face so much stress all at once tomorrow. Either way, I yearn to be retired and living a perpetual lake existence, right about now. Sigh….
The other main thing I must follow up on that is even more distasteful is my bloodwork. I still have heard nothing from my bariatric center, so will likely need to be proactive. It seems odd that the last time they ordered bloodwork for me was about my fourth month post surgery (I believe), and I am now approaching my 15th month, and no one has checked on me any further. They say that they send out these little postcard thingies that I wrote my address on during my last visit…and I thought, have been clear that they initiate all processes for follow up visits and testing. By my math however, I am way overdue for having heard from them. I do wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that we lost our insurance coverage, and I am now private pay client there who is given a reduced rate as per their contract. Maybe somehow I am categorized differently or of less value or something. Whatever the case, I must admit that I have never felt the “love” with this center, and am not surprised that this is just one more thing with them.
So, I expect that this whole bloodwork process will be distasteful in every way, and especially the needle part! I do believe that I am (over)due to have many values checked and that probably many vials will have to be drawn. The other part I dread about this, is trying to squeeze some valium out of them. If you are a long time follower here or know me in other ways, you know what a nightmare this has been too.
And speaking of this, one of the pieces of mail that we came back to Saturday, was a $200 bill for my March, 2009 psychological for the surgery itself! The doctor’s office wrote that they had many unsuccessful attempts at collecting from my insurance (in the last year and a half?!), and now were billing me privately. I am shocked and dismayed, and now must try and figure out what went wrong and what to do about it. This is also especially insult to injury, as you may recall that I specifically used the bariatric psychologist recommended by my center due to it being covered…and the doctor was a complete, rude, disappointing jerk. I’m sure that I posted about my experience with him at the time, and I recall being very disheartened by his attitude and demeanor. I am NOT looking forward to grappling with his office and my (ex) insurance about this, but if I have to pay $200 for him, I think I will blow a gasket!!
Yuck…back to reality every which way!
The other area I must face and conquer, is that of my diet, exercise regime and weight. I haven’t yet wrapped my head around a better plan than the one I had before our trip, but do know that I have kept putting off getting more regimented or serious about things. Honestly, I don’t feel any more prepared to make changes just yet either, and want to ease back into other stressful realities first before I change everything up on myself all at once and shoot myself back into stress orbit all at once. I am rather freaked out enough already about work and bloodwork alone, thank you!
So…it is a time of sticking my toes back into the pool of reality, and trying to still hold onto the creamy, relaxed state I just came from.
Let’s see how long that lasts!
Weight: 196.7 lbs.
Well, back to whatever normalcy is today. I think that I have forgotten how to function without the stress of added stuff on me. I feel quite “simple” just focusing on work this morning. I am scheduled for a long and very busy day, but feel less stressed about it as I have in a long time, and I think that it is because I had been feeling so torn by so many added tasks that my job had begun to feel secondary to my home “jobs.”
I expect that Zoe may come to take away her tent o’ stuff any day, and when the tent comes out of our driveway and the last of the leftovers is carted off to the charity sale, then it will truly all be over. And, we will be able to park side by side in our driveway again. Oh joy!
Last night the bike sold from my ad on craigslist, and a man came over way too late by our early to bed lifestyle, but who’s to argue with another $120. It had been advertised for $150 or b/o, and was a very lightweight and quality racing bike that a friend had given us (long story!), but Tom prefers his clunker and it was way too big for me. And besides, I can hardly remember the last time that I actually rode a real bike! Maybe this summer now that I have lost weight, I can rekindle what used to be a passion for it. In high school and college when I was much thinner, I was really into racing bikes and had a few that I had purchased from auctions and the like, and raced all over in them. In fact, Tom likes to remind me that when we knew each other a hundred years ago when I was a student and he was married to Karen, he and I would ride together at times on the college campus, and I would beat him when we raced. Karen didn’t come as she was heavy and had an old single speed Schwinn type bike that she mainly used for grocery shopping at the local store. But Tom and I were into speed and competition, and he sometimes yearns aloud for these days and the bike partner I was then and that he wishes I were now. So…maybe I will see if I can wobble my way around on one of our shorter bikes this year, and work my way back into a decent rider. We’ll see….
Also yesterday, it felt cleansing that I had an eye appointment with drops, and had my eyes pronounced healthy and free of any damage. The doctor asked about my history of diabetes, and I was glad to tell her that this appears to have been licked by the surgery. She wondered however if this means that I am no longer diabetic, or if it is like diabetes in remission or considered under control. I realized that I’m not really sure, and that I can’t even be positive that my levels ARE good, as I haven’t had bloodwork in so long. I am eager for an A1C to tell me where I currently stand. Otherwise, it does continue to strike me as odd that no one has ordered any tests to follow up any sooner on this…although admittedly, I haven’t really put myself out there as such either.
Lastly, I had a so so eating day, finding myself rather ravenous in the wake of such a carby week and the decompression from being so off track. We did kill off the rest of some lingering snacky crap, but mostly I was focused on looking forward to resuming better habits, control and focus. We went shopping and filled the house with decent stuff, so as I shake off the effects of the weekend and get back into a routine of more “normal” eating here, I am at least already armed with the items needed to help with this mission.
And this too feels good and cleansing, and I am ready to re-enter the world of the disciplined once again…I think.
Weight: 241.5 lbs.
Today I don’t even care what I weigh, as I have bigger fish to fry (mmm…fish fry! Yum!).
I am sad and upset with myself after a long talk with my supervisor at work, and I am appreciating in a new and exciting way just how f***ed up I am to have (over-) reacted to recent issues there — and the position that this has left others and myself in as a result. I amaze even myself how passionately I may react to certain things without regard to rules or boundaries at times, and how these tend to be thematic to issues of territoriality, trust, and feelings of responsibility. I learned that I am not good at trusting or believing in others to step up to the plate on issues of importance, and that anxiety and stress especially trigger me into a “fight” pattern in which I assume I must attempt to protect or solve, as I don’t believe than anyone else can or will.
Continue reading “Is There a Psychiatrist in the House?!”
Weight: 268.5 lbs.
I just got home from a long and confusing staff meeting in which many changes our Health Care Center is undergoing were discussed. It has been a long and wearisome day, made harder by my friend and colleague Nancy’s announcement that she had to put her young cat to sleep today. Apparently he went into sudden kidney failure and became acutely symptomatic and couldn’t be saved.
Now I am weary in body and spirit. I haven’t mustered the energy or wherewithall to exercise or even walk in days now, and must try to do better by this soon. Honestly, I don’t know how some people manage to juggle families, careers, and themselves … I can barely manage just me!
I also don’t think that I drank or ate enough today — and will have to try to do both after I post this. All I ate was some leftover oatmeal for breakfast, two cheese sticks spaced throughout the long work day, a banana, and a few raspberries. Hardly any protein even. Bad me! At least I took my vitamins.
Not much else to say today, so I guess I’ll give us all a break and make this a brief one. Sorry, no real “juiciness” today!
Weight: 268.5 lbs.
OK, I admit it. I’ve reached a new low in more ways than one.
Today I was off from work, and spent much of my day trolling support groups (see My Favorite Links on this site) for help about my gastronomical concerns of late. Read the title and you’ll get the picture. Interestingly, someone answered me that grape Kool-Aid can cause this! Who’da thunk?! And don’t you know that as I wrote and read this, I had a glass of diet grape Kool-Aid by my side. How freaky!
Continue reading “Green Poop and Other Unsightly Matters”
Weight: 271.5 lbs.
OK, so I’ve lost a half a pound since yesterday, but I think I’ve transfered my food addiction to garage sales! Tom and I ran out early today and found numerous bargains (i.e., stuff we didn’t really need and wouldn’t have thought to buy except that they were so cheap we coudn’t resist). Now, when we realize later this year that we can’t really use any of it, we can sell it for half as much at our own garage sale in the fall. Yippee — ain’t “bargains” fun? The good news is that many of the sales were part of block extravaganzas and required a lot of walking from house to house, often loaded down with crap from the houses along the way. I think this constitutes my exercise requirements for the day, don’t you?! Plus, we found eight-pound hand weights (two for a dollar!) and then an exercise ball kit with recipes and everything included (brand new, which it will also probably still be when I sell it at our garage sale!) for only $5. Whoopee!
Continue reading “Garage Sale Gluttony”
Weight: 272 lbs.
Well, I managed to lose the 1.5 pounds that I had gained plus a half pound more! However, I just returned from quite a dinner out and now have probably regained it all!
It seems that I had my first stressful, long, difficult day back to work today, and came home late and famished. Tom and I decided on Old Country Buffet, and I thought this might be as inexpensive and decent a dinner choice as any – minus the opportunity for leftovers which I don’t want anyway since I am still working on some from several meals back.
Continue reading “Hello … Is There Anybody In There?!”
Weight: 274 lbs.
Well, I nearly had to eat my shorts when I weighed myself this morning and continue to be 1.5 pounds higher than a few days ago. What gives?! Since I haven’t really eaten my shorts, I’m not sure why I’ve gained and/or haven’t lost nearly anything this week. This is a common question in the support groups I frequent and, like others, I am easily frustrated and confused about such things. But I’d like to think that I have learned enough from others by now to try and take this somewhat in stride and not get too worked up over it. I may ultimately need to (re)evaluate calorie or carb content or other aspects of my diet or exercise (or more likely, lack thereof!). I’m sure that exercise factors in quite a bit, but I just haven’t been able to motivate myself for much more than an occasional walk just yet. Perhaps I will push myself to begin a better regime starting this weekend. I just don’t see it happening in my first week back to work.
Continue reading “Eight Ounces Away From Eating My Shorts”
Weight: 274 lbs.
What an interesting concept returning to work is. Not only did I wake up swollen and discovered that I had gained another pound of weight back, but I dreamt all night that my office building was different and larger and cavernous, and that when I returned I repeatedly got lost and couldn’t find either co-workers or my office. And when I tried to find some work to do, I didn’t know where to get my mail or find any of the necessary information to conduct business. So instead, I sat idly in a classroom with strangers, feeling self-conscious and uncertain how to proceed. I knew that my mail and phone messages must have piled up in my absence, but had no idea where or how to find them or what to do with myself.
Continue reading “Night Sweats and Daytime Sweets”
Weight: 273 lbs.
I am so full of anxiety today that my skin is crawling. I’ve had trouble lately getting up at a decent hour, as I have developed the bad habit of staying up until midnight or worse, making me too weary to get out of bed before 8:00 AM. This would be fine if I had won the lottery and didn’t have to return to work tomorrow! This will likely be a hard habit to break, as I have become spoiled by my six weeks off. I’ve also become engrossed in the process of developing this blog and now hate to turn more of this over to my brother in my place.
Continue reading “Onward, Ho!”
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July 26th, 2010 | 
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