Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 183.7 lbs.

I continue to hover at a weight slightly higher than my low, and have been eating chinese leftovers and other stuff not exactly approved by the bariatric society. At work I have been driven to the brink as I am frantically trying to wrap everything up nicely before I take leave, and this has made me “hungry” and lazy when I finally do get home. Last night I could barely think, and could only grunt in front of the tv I was so weary. I ate leftovers straight out of the styrofoam, and left Tom to fend for himself. He chose something different, and honestly I don’t even remember what as I can’t be sure that I could muster the energy to even turn my head in his direction to see. Poor Tom! I hope to make it up to him next week.

One of the things I grapple with are emotional and moral dilemnas inherent to my work. Unless you work deeply with people for a living, it would likely be hard for you to understand what I do and the intricacies of working with developmentally challanged adults and their systems and families. A recurring problem is one of how much oversight and limitations should be provided for someone with an eating disorder who lives in a congregate care environment. For example, I currently see a young, obese (260 lb.) woman who is mildly mentally retarded and who resides in an agency run apartment like setting where there are staff down the hall around the clock. They have tried everything to motivate her to diet and exercise, including behavior and reward based programs, positive reinforcement, and the use of special staff who shadow her and assist with healthy shopping, cooking, portion control etc. But, like many of us, she hasn’t made the process her own, and problems with her mood and behavior have escalated in the face of feeling that others are restricing her freedom to choose, being authoratative with her, taking away her “rights” or telling her what to do. She tends to be strong willed and stubborn, and very sensitive to external control. In short, she sounds like ME, and I believe that I would be any group home’s nightmare client if I had to live in a beauracracy that dictated similarily to me what I could or could not do.

For her, she tends to respond with behaviors (rageful and resistive) that then also lead to additional plans that are designed to control these….

With this taking a huge toll on everyone involved, and basically hardly working. I am grateful that she has wonderful staff who seem to appreciate the dilemnas iniolved and have an understanding of and compassion for her feelings and the design flaws inherent to such a situation. The staff who brought her yesterday acknowledged that he is unsure whether the new plan that they are in the process of developing is a good idea or not. Basically they have decided they must become more extreme in their efforts as she has only gained weight on their previous systems. Now they are gearing up to lock up her food, limit her choices while shopping, monitor her intake, and basically take away any freedoms she may have in this area. The theory is that as a mildly retarded individual, she does not possess the ability to fully understand the potential consequences of her own bad habits on her overall health and longevity, and therefore must be saved from herself. Basically. But, with someone “high” enough functioning like herself such that she lives in her own apartment , is this really a viable argument? In counseling, she does seem to get it and like most, wants to lose weight and look and feel better. She appears to appreciate the connections and has fits and starts towards better choices. She is able to speak of things like portion control and carbs like the best of us, and clearly has learned a lot of the same things that any of us have.

But, she also struggles to apply these consistently, have the internal motivastion to change, and is drawn towards bad choices in all the same ways. I suspect that she also may be finding ways to sneak and steal food (hence the weight gain despite closer monitoring), and probably will find the way to do more of this when under greater restrictions. Making her a more facile sneak rather than a compliant and willing partener in her own journey.

The dilemna is that on one hand, we all agree with this premise that she may need “help” and of course, don’t want her to progess to (more) illnesses brought on by obesity (She does have some health problems likely related to diet/weight already).  However, what tears up any conscientious person who understands the bigger picture, is that for most of us, unless we make it our own, “it” is likely to fail, and/or we are likely to resent and resist others telling us what we should or should not do. And, just because someone is mentally challenged, do we have a right to dictate such things and expect a different outcome?

It is a hard one to know what to do with, but what I do know is that as soon as this new plan is put in place, we will all have an extraordinarily depressed and angry young lady to treat, and other than validating her feelings and providing support and encouragement for her to work her way to reconciliation, acceptance and better choices, I am not sure what else my role entails. I am glad that the staff get this too, as sometimes they do not and my attempts to apply compassion and valdation are seen instead as undermining.

It will also be important for me to understand my own transference, as clearly I am living in a somewhat parallel universe and don’t want to blur an already complex situation further by having my personal feelings mixed in .But frankly, can I really expect for someone to “do as I say, not as I do” or to get and use tools that even I have been struggling to?! 

On the other hand, perhaps because I get it so much, I may at least better be able to provide understanding and support for “Mary” herself, as clearly, she will be needing it!

Weight: 184.5 lbs.

….make me feel like rolling over and going back to sleep.To feel all of the 50 years old that I am about to turn in June. And feel achey and bloated, especially combined with all the chinese leftovers I ate for dinner.

When are the May flowers coming?! I NEED some friggin’ flowers!!

Which of course can be seen as a symbol for a new beginning and a breath of fresh air of all types. Which I need as much as I do for the rain to stop.

Did I mention that I am off next week?! For a total of 9 or 10 days, depending if I go in on the Monday following or not. To play and relax and catch up with myself and Tom and sleep and stay out of the rain and maybe do NOTHING at all for hours straight.

And possibly to even PLANT some May flowers that will bloom vigourously through the summer and symbolize hope and joy and opportunity and fresh, bright beginnings.

Ahhhh…..! I CAN do that!!

But first the incessant rain must stop….

Weight: 183.2 lbs.

Ack…I feel like I’ve gained hundreds of pounds overnight! I am bloated and porky, and my cramps combined with Tom’s snoring have kept me up much of the night. That man needs his own sleep study and c-pap!! I don’t know if its a new thing for him or I am just hearing him now that I don’t have my noisy c-pap on…but God is he loud! He also makes gurgley and snorkely sounds, mutters and mumbles, tosses and turns, and sucks air. It’s like sleeping with an elephant!

All this should make today especially interesting, as we are slated to head out of town with our friend Dorothy (and Debbie), who is travelling in from Rochester for a day of fun. Poor Dort!

We are supposed to head to some Southtowns church bazaar, auction, chiavetta’s chicken bbq, and country store. This all WOULD BE fun if I weren’t so crabby and didn’t feel like I weighed so much I could hardly waddle this morning. And poor Tom must be feeling similarily sleep deprived and grumpy…at least from me poking him to “turn over!!” all night, if not from his own “issues”.

But, as I remind myself that in reality I truly DID weigh so much more that even fun was taxing and exhausting, I must be grateful that at least this time it only FEELS that way.

Weight: 182.8 lbs.

As we no longer get the Style network through our cable company, I have become accustomed to downloading episodes of Ruby from itunes. I can’t imagine doing this for any other show. But, she is worth it, and I can’t believe how much I see myself and my struggle in hers. This season, she has gained weight, and has been facing issues of self sabotage, undertow, and unconscious demons that play out in her rebellion against eating properly and exercising. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this is all me too to a large degree. In the most recent episode, her good friends confronted her with her “sickness” and addiction, and helped penetrate some of the denial that has allowed her to buy into her own excuses and to believe that she is doing well, even when she isn’t. I am still not sure if I wish that I had such honest feedback from my support network, or if I would slap those who tried. In this last episode, Ruby got stubborn and almost mean when standing against exercise that her new trainer tried to get her to do. It was shocking and sad to see her react so…yet I could see myself doing the exact same thing if also pushed as she felt that she was. Just like her, I am truly my own worst enemy, and viciously stubborn even in the face of logic and something designed to inspire or help me. That is also why this blog is like the antichrist of bariatric sense. And I still weigh more than 50 lbs. over goal. And never say that I will “never” regain like so many others do. For many, it seems to roll off their tongues, and they not only are sure of it, but seem to have embraced all the concepts and changes necessary for it to likely truly be so.

While I still go to buffets, eat what I want and only sometimes in moderation, make excuses, and think about food in much the same way as I did before surgery. Etc.

No doubt some read here because they recognize me as a train wreck about to happen, or perhaps see their own foibles through my words like I do Ruby’s. If I were reading here, I’d certainly be wondering where this journey is likely to take someone the likes of me. Hell, even as ME, I wonder this. And shouldn’t have to wonder at all, as I should be the one determining my course, not acting like I am simply in the passenger seat. Clearly I sound very different than many others post surgery who speak with conviction of their intentions and triumphs, and how they continue to slay their demons. I think that I am sleeping with mine instead. Or I ate them.

In any case, it is clear too that I am about to permanently sign off here, the only true place where I am held accountable. And where because I post them daily, I must weigh myself regularily, and know that others are watching. For the first time, I am feeling a little scared at this prospect, and realize that although I thought that I started this blog to help others, that what I have gotten from it myself has far exceeded anything that I am sure anyone else could have. Especially as I am an expert not on wisdom and good practice at all, but on the forces of “evil” instead. And other things that most die hards don’t want to hear.

I can only now barely remember when I was “properly” motivated and triumphant and tried to do things by the book. I would cringe at sugars and starches, and cared about every pound. It was all so new and fresh and exciting, and my motivation was high. Ruby cries in this last episode, when she also acknowledges getting off track and not even realizing it until now, and then not feeling able to get back on it. She refers to feeling defeated and tired. I think that underneath some sense of complacency, are these same feelings, as well as something Ruby’s therapist referred to. Fear. Perhaps fear of embracing true change, or of living a lifestyle of limitation and “work” where I can never be carefree in the face of dietary choice again. Where I set a standard or even low weight that is too hard to maintain, and therefore sets me up for failure. I’d rather be this weight perpetually and have some wiggle room, than get to skinny, and have to work so hard forever to maintain it or fail. Like I have a bazillion times before.

And like Ruby, I am weary of this lifelong battle, and just want a break from the mental and physical efforts that it perpetually takes. So I delude myself that it and I am ok, and life and I can go on just fine from here doing simply what I am now doing.

Which, truth be told, is practically nothing.

Thank you Ruby for the enlightenment and honesty…. But damn it all if I am still ot sure where to go with any of it.

Weight: 182.6 lbs.

I have a headache and my head still feels as if it might explode. Tom asked me last night when my period is due.Nearly every month I act like I’ve never been a female before, and don’t seem to remember to equate my symptoms with hormones until its too late. I need someone else like my long suffering hubby to point out the obvious. You know, the craziness, being revved up, grumpy, stressed, achey, complainy.

The answer to Tom’s question, once I consulted the calendar, is NOW.

Duh!

I was very glad to have tackled some of the lingering stuff on my list ‘o things to do though, including having set a solid date with Corky for when the tent can be set up (May 6th), getting 4 borrowed card tables from Pete who offered to come over with these AND 6 tix for his May 7th show, and getting plans straight for both this evening and Sunday when we are entertaining Dorothy from Rochester.

Also, a new plan came up that involves Tom travelling to Washington DC for 4 days in mid July as part of a trip sponsored by a speaker from our metal detecting club. It offers guided tours of historic sites, and includes nearly everything for a fair price. Plus, Tom’s best childhood friend Corky wants to go, so they plan to be roomies and I think that Tom will love it. Except that it is just one more thing in an already overcrowded summer. Although maybe with Tom gone, it will be a moment for quiet on the homefront. Ha Ha!

Whatever the case,  I love when things come together and plans get solidified and I can cross things out of my head!!! Not that there isn’t plenty left….stress and lists that is, not brains.

In dietary news, there isn’t any. I continue to hover weight wise, and remain grateful that despite being on perpetual hold, I don’t really gain like I used to. Not yet, anyway. Of course, I also don’t really eat like I used to…except sometimes.

And clearly focusing on every bite I take is not a priority for me right now, although I do continue to reap the benefits of weight already lost as I live a full and active and relatively healthy lifestyle. Physically speaking, anyway!