Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.6 lbs.

I am chagrined to be up so early (5:30 am), restless and agitated on my sort of day off (I brought lots of work home), and to have gone up in weight despite being so good lately. I also know that I drank way too much caffeinated coffee yesterday and not enought other liquids to counteract this, and think that I may be a little dehydrated. I have a headache, and my pee has been quite dark. I will make an effort to drink up today, and have a crystal light by my side already this morning to get myself off on a better foot, hydration wise. I am somewaht apprehensive about tonight’s free spaghetti dinner that we are sharing with Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend, but at least as this is take out, I can prepare something different for myself without being as conspicious as if we were compelled to eat in the restaurant. On the other hand, they have never been over and I am bad at entertaining here and there is a lot to do to ready the house and such…so I am anxious about both the food, the company and the flow.

Eating and exercise wise yesterday, I worked out hard, and ate moderately and well. I am trying to concentrate more on leaner cuts of meat and cheese, and to have as many servings of veggies and fruits as I can. Yesterday was a little funky as far as when I managed to eat, given the demands of my job, but through the day I had tuna on wheat, cashews, a banana, some low fat cheese, split pea soup, salad and chicken and beef souvlaki meat. The latter dish I had when an old friend, Marlene, called unexpectedly just after I crawled home in a depressed, sad and demoralized state from work. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to come over for coffee (hence the several cups I also had!). At first I balked given the state of my mood and energy, but long story short, she came and we all ended up talking for hours and going out late for a fine Greek dinner at Athenas. Actually, she turned out to be just what the doctor ordered (she said the same about us!), and her company may have helped stave off what was beginning to feel like a very dark mood coming on. I am so grateful for good friends and the inherent support, perspective, distraction and energy that flows from them!

Just before her call, I had come home in a state of sadness after leaving the home where “Nancy” had died, as I wrote about yesterday. In many ways things went “well”, but in many others, it was all just as I “feared” - deeply distrubing, sooo sad, wearisome, and humbling. I was introduced as someone who could help staff (no clients ended up being present as they had opted to go to their programs and what not instead) with their trauma and grief, when in reality, and I said so, I had nothing really to offer but my facilitation of their process. I encouraged and supported dialogue, and tears flowed, guilt and angst were apparent, and everyone was eloquent about the huge void in her absence. Clearly she was a very well loved individual who has left a hole in many hearts, and that the circumstances of her sudden death, possibly due to aspiration, have made this loss that much more difficult. I found myself tearing up as each person told stories about her and about the day of her death and their grief and shock in its aftermath, and one of my biggest fears of looking like a complete idiot, may have come to fruition. Hopefully they perceived me as supportive and understanding, and not the numnut that I felt like at times!

Sigh…onward, ho in every way again today, I guess.

I am also feeling the need to check in on some long lost souls both here and with phone calls if I have time later. There is my Compeer, Kris, who I haven’t had the chutzpah to follow up on given the painful nature of every encounter about her of late. But, I must today, as I have been worrying about her daily, and need to know if she might once again be able to tolerate visitors such that we could provide even a small modicum of support. I also need to follow up with some long, lost friends who I haven’t heard from in ages and am starting to wonder and worry about. I am guilty too of letting life lead me by the balls and having time get away from me, and only then later realizing that someone has fallen by the wayside or a call is long overdue.

This includes a friend from here who seems to have disappeared, made more worrisome by her latest blog entries about physical and emotional struggles just prior to her absence. Chris, if you are out there, please let us know how you are, if you don’t mind me asking. I certainly know how hard life alone can be, let alone without the added challenges associated with the changes that stem from bariatric surgery and a lifestyle makeover.  Especially if food no longer provides any degree of comfort and everything we know becomes different faster than we can acclimate to it emotionally.

Also on my list, is my brother, the administrator of this site. Unfortunately, although initially I had hoped that doing this site together and combining his passion for all things computer, and mine for writing and “connecting”, that this joint endeavor may finally provide us both a platform with which to relate and nurture a somewhat fragile relationship. This seemed to be true at first, but now I am wondering if it was more a figment of my desire and in my enthusiasm, I had forgotten that our lifelong differences are so great that this connection may have been only artificial, at best. This has left me feeling rather abandoned, as well as pessimistic about getting any degree of  support as the need arises here. Although much less frequent than when we first put this site up, there still remains occassional technical things to do and address, or this site could be in danger of “breaking.” I have not learned many aspects of upkeep necessary for its smooth operation, or to prevent disaster should something need tending to. And now, as Roy has made both overt and covert overtures that he is disengaging from his role, I am concerned for the integrity of this site that is over my non-technical head, and for the fragile connection I had hoped that he and I had finally forged as siblings. It is even possible that Roy is reading this now if his wife has called attention to this (as he had also made it clear that he otherwise does not read my entries), and that writing about it here is only going to make any possible rift, worse. On the other hand, I feel compelled to tell everyone what is real here, especially in that this may ultimately jeopardize my ability to continue this site. I will keep people posted.

In final and unrelated news, the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that was filmed here in Buffalo, is really, truly and finally going to be on this Sunday. I have heard that it is two hours long, and I certainly plan to watch! Whew, finally something nice to look forward to!

Weight: 225 lbs.

Well, I still haven’t got back down to my weight from a few days back, and remain stymied as to what keeps getting in my way. I had only sliced turkey breast, a banana, some cashews,  chicken soup (minus the noodles) and beef souvlaki yesterday. By my calculations, except for the banana at work, it was largely low carb and high protein food choices. Although I did skip working out yesterday, I have done it every day before and am back on track today as well.

Sometimes, in addition to all the usual “worries”, I wonder whether my sodium intake effects things, especially as it seems that soups tend to contribute a lot to my “stalls” or gains, as historically have certain salty food items . Also, I do wonder if I am drinking enough, and if perhaps the decafs that I tend to sip on throughout the day may not be the best choice of hydration. I am quite addicted to my coffee though, and would be heartbroken if I had to limit this especially as I think it has become somewhat of a substitute addiction for food.

In other, less self pitying and less boring news, Tom and I went to several estate sales this morning as I am still off on Fridays while I remain in employment limbo. For years I have harbored ill will towards the estate company that we used when Tom’s uncle died and he was left as executor. At the time, Rick Kaye seemed as good a bet as any of the local liquidators, but we found him very difficult to work with, he had an unusual demeanor, and then after the event, he claimed to have discarded all of the estates receipts for the items sold during his three day sale. Tom’s uncle lived alone in nearly the same house for over 70 years, so needless to say, there were thousands of things for sale, and to be left with no proof of what went and what price it went for, was unusual at the time, and appalling in retrospect. Even when asked, he was defensive and rude, but ultimately typed up a list of things that went for over $40 from “memory” at my insistence. Upon inspection, MANY items were absent from this list, both large and small. Now, estate liquidators who we have had occassion to talk to while attending others sales, have ALL told us how highly suspicious, unethical, even reprehensible it is to have not been able to produce receipts for the family, as they all do it as a matter of course. In fact, many individuals need these for legal purposes.

So all these years later I regret not having listened to my screaming guts at the time and realize, even in the earliest stages and before we signed a contract with him, what a jerk he was. I haven’t even written all the other indicators of this yet, and it still almost makes me too mad to see straight. I totally don’t handle unethical or being used, well at all!

In any event, I am not one to sit still forever while harboring negative energy - and finally, after 2 years of feeling slimed, today I took a stand and wrote him to ensure that he at least be aware of our dissatisfaction and recognition that we’d been “had.” For some reason, I had done nothing but sit with these feelings for all this time, until now. Perhaps meeting and talking to other estate liquidators and learning from them, as well as with Rose who used another company for her father’s house and was “thrilled” with their manner and ethics and the large sum they purportedly generated for the estate, has solidified my concerns. Or perhaps, I’m just finally ready now.

 Hopefully what I wrote doesn’t constitute slander when you say it straight to the person involved, but at this point, I need an outlet for my long brewing outrage, and  hopefully I can find some peace about what was such a horrible experience a few years back. Especially given that losing someone is so difficultt and painful anyway, that it truly is salt in your wounds to feel taken advantage of when most vulnerable.

Not to mention that repressed anger (or grief or hurt or sadness) makes me eat more.  (So see, I somehow tied this all in to my bariatric blog for all of our sakes!)

In a nicer vein, Tom and I are headed out to a big Chinese Auction tonight, and hope that our friends can meet us there as planned. We will eat out beforehand, probably again at a Greek restaurant, although the ad says that they do have food there. I fear it is probably things like pizza and snacks, and the last thing I want to do is go there hungry and be tempted. Hopefully I will be consumed with an attempt to win, win, win, and less interested in eating there anyway! Feel free to wish me luck on both accounts - although I suppose the eating part is less about luck and more about willpower, really!