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Weight: 184.2 lbs.
It sucks to have my weekly weight comparison be on a Tuesday. Especially when I often blow it out on Mondays, as I did yesterday. Tom and I ate a pre-cooked chicken from Tops, and it was so salty I chased it with several glasses of crystal light. Without even waiting the requisite amount of time to drink. I was so thirsty I couldn’t stand it! Which tells you how salty the food was. I am therefore hoping that at least a few ounces of my weight gain is fluid…but still my own damn fault for eating stupidly, once again. And, truth be told, there is probably NO good day to weight me anymore.
On that happy note, I am off to a long day of work, with an interesting errand to run on my way in. It has to do with the weekend of sorting through Kris’ papers and photos and such. Mixed in with them all were tons of personal papers, including hand typed “manuscripts” from a mystery woman, whose name was on everything. She made liberal mention of her son and other personal things, and I know that if it were me, I would be heart broken to have “lost” so many things.
It reminds me all over again how mad I was at Kris’ facility for packing up her stuff so poorly. How another resident’s things got all mixed in is even beyond me, however. Anyway, the stuff sat, unsorted, in Pete’s attic until this weekend. But now that I have gone through it all, I have both e mailed Kris’ sister in Japan (who we had lost touch with years earlier) and contacted the head of the facility where Kris was, to see about reuniting people or their families with such mementos.
The facility manager said that he has been there for over a dozen years, so would remember Kris who moved out in 2004. “Anna” too. Although he couldn’t really tell me anything due to hipaa, he did acknowledge that “Anna” has a local son (who I read about) and that he could locate him and see if he’d like her things. It is unclear whether “Anna” herself is still alive or not. But the manager was intrigued, helpful and nice, and clearly sentimental enough himself that he was grateful (and apologetic!) that we held onto the items and that I would drop them off this morning.
I hope that that it turns out well….
But, either way, I couldn’t just discard someone’s personal things, and I feel better for knowing that I tried.
Now if only I could be as dedicated to my own affairs!!
Weight: 182.7 lbs.
As I ate enough both at dinner out and from the baked goods that Pete brought to have with coffee afterwards, there seems no logical reason why I would have LOST weight since yesterday. I assume it is because other than coffee, I hardly drank anything, and then peed like a racehorse this morning. Although I am not advocating for such a thing, I must admit that I am relieved not to today be wearing the pastries I snacked on, the fried clams I “stole” off of Pete’s plate and the bread I nibbled on with dinner. This heatens me that once again I have a second chance to do better before I gain back up, and do hope to take myself more seriously this way. I keep reminding myself that it is never too late and I am never too far gone to do the right thing and turn things around, and all it takes is some strategy, a plan and action. I have the information and knowledge I need, I just need to use it. As apparently do others who are spinning in the wind to varying degrees with me, as I heard last night….
In other news of friendship, we had a great time last night and I actually managed to stay wider awake than my friends for a change. I didn’t end up in my usual puddle from carbs or whatever, and kept lively til the end. It was good to get so caught up with everyone, and hopefully we can keep such gatherings going even after the girls get up and fully running with their new jobs and careers.
And from my end, I feel mostly relieved of the burden I had been carrying about work matters, other than some fear of retribution were an errant colleague to go postal. I have been thinking and even joking about this a lot lately, and have probably watched too many Lifetime movies in which unstable individuals go bananas and take people down with them. So if this site suddenly goes dark, I need everyone who reads here to remember my theory, and turn your tips in to the proper authorities….
Ha Ha, I hope.
And on that happy note, I plan to enjoy the time I have left, and make this Sunday a productive and healthy one! What about you?
Weight: 186.5 lbs.
My bloodwork is over and it was successful!! In fact so much so, that she got me her first try, and I was only in such a brief thime that the friend who brought me was actually chagrined enough to comment that: “I didn’t even get to finish my magazine article.” Sorry Rose…I couldn’t be more thrilled! Maybe drinking gallons of water beforehand, drugging myself into a trance, having lost some arm weight and newfound hope are some successful ingredients!
The other thing that now officially feels “over” is Christmas. Because after Rose dropped me off in the afternoon, I spent the rest of the day taking everything down. Ugh - what a chore! But, it feels great to be back to everyday clutter and ornamentation, rather than looking at Santa faces and wreaths and the like.
I wish I could say that my overeating is also over, but this would unfortunately be stretching the truth. We went to a Greek restaurant after my bloodwork yesterday, and I was so starved from not having eaten and stress and drugs that I got a huge meal off souvlaki meat, eggs, homefries and toast. I ate a substantial amount, but the girls had a go at most of my toast, and I still managed to take a big box ‘o leftovers home. Now I have Greek, Mexican AND Chinese leftovers in the fridge. It is like the international institue of eating over here. And I need it all gone so I can stock us up on better thought out and less caloric foods. Like water.
Speaking of which…I don’t think that I’ve peed it all back out yet. I am somewhat pragmatic about this weeks weight gain because of this, as I contnued drinking like a banshee yesterday…first to stay hydrated for the 10:00 am draw, and later as I was catching up on lost coffee consumption. Hopefully some of the excess weight will drop back, although I realize that all the rest remains up to me and doing what I have been lately is going to keep me heading only in the wrong direction. And looking at the margin here where weights are tallied, I only see gains now for some months, and even if one week may be an abberation, the trend is truly sobering and I must take stock.
Where have you heard this before…?! Blah, blah, blah.
Weight: 186 lbs.
Most of yesterday was spent worrying about, tending to and dealing with Spice’s illness. After having to fish her out from behind the computer desk, I rushed her to the SPCA vet, where they hydrated her subcutaneously, force fed her, and checked her out. Although she was not running a temp., her upper respiratory infection clearly has gotten worse and has made her lethargic, dehydrated, and unwilling to eat. I will have to bring her back for more treatments tomorrow. It was a terrible and traumatic experience for probably both of us, as she cried pitifully enroute there, and I witnessed some horrific things (like a man bringing his recently deceased cat in in a plastic bag) while waiting for her.
All day after this was then spent in researching her illness both on line, and with numerous calls to both our vet, the SPCA, and friends who know about such things. Also, my supervisor who heard through the work grape-vine about her, offered to come over and teach me how to use a dropper to hydrate her orally at home. She spent about an hour hand feeding her fluids and some mushy food this way, and I then followed suit throughout the evening. Spice no longer purrs or responds to care or touch, but cooperates with treatment without much fuss. I am learning that this might be what is needed to keep her alive and heal her from this condition, as even the antibiotics prescribed for her don’t treat the underlying viral condition or the side effects that may arise from this. Hydration, nutrition, warmth and TLC are what she will likely need to help this resolve itself.
And she is due back at the vet again this morning for more hydration treatment. Hopefully they will also succeed in getting some food into her, as otherwise I will have to work that much harder through today to ensure she has adequate nutrition.
And I am spent and disheartened and traumatized and worried nearly beyond my tolerance already. I barely ate or drank at all, all day, and had the most severe migraine of my life that sent me to bed shortly after her early morning vet visit. I was so nauseous and in pain, dizzy and blinded by it, that I could barely function. And I still don’t feel well today. I think that it is at least partly due to anxiety and stress, and the revisiting of trauma over such a sick kitty. Watching Spice drool so profusely that she is perpetually sopping wet reminds me of Callie’s final weeks, and I can’t stand to feel this impotent again so soon after what we just went through. I am also very worried about infecting Gingerbread, and must have changed my clothes and washed myself a hundred times yesterday in hopes of keeping the highly contagious virus contained. But I am certain that this is virtually impossible, as there is sneeze and drool residue everywhere in her quarantine room, including on the carpet where we surely must be tracking it all over from walking on it.
Now, this has become our lifestyle once again, and the constant worry and vigilance leaves little room for much else, including any other plans we hoped for our anniversary weekend. Although on one hand this really doesn’t matter, on the other, it does, in the sense that it is very hard to know when things may improve and we can hope to sigh a sigh of relief that she is out of the woods and we can resume a somewhat normal lifestyle. And “normal” at best will mean constant vet follow up culminating in her being well enough to finally be spayed, thorough cleaning of her room and introduction only when she is well past communicable to our other cat, and constant vigilance through all of this.
IF she (and we) get through this acute stage, at all.
Somehow this hasn’t brought the joy and laughter and healing back into our world as we had hoped…. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers!
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
After work yesterday, Tom and I ran several errands, including a trip to the grocery store where we bought our pre-cooked dinners of roasted chicken.
Before I settled in to eat, I dressed for an evening in, and weighed myself. I was 191.5 before dinner. I felt that this might be shooting distance to get back near 190, where I then could focus on getting lower than ever and into my 180’s finally.
I ate some of the chicken and some spring mix cooked veggies that come in a bag. I drank several glasses of no-calorie “kool-aid” later, and went to bed pretty early because I have a long day today.
And weigh 192.3 this morning.
I was thinking that I might be on my way back down, given that I thought that I did well diet wise, and ate only moderately. Before dinner, I had my usual egg/cheese breakfast, and desk cashews and 2 cheese sticks and a pear for snacks at work.
Why did I go up? I seriously get confused about such things at times, as I seem to go up when I think I should go down, and vice versa. Almost as if there is no rhyme or reason…or I am very sensitive to sodium and fluid. But if so, wouldn’t a few good pees get me back down? Or maybe they are.
I know that I must be diligent and can’t hang my hat in any direction on just one days worth of weigh-ins, but I do admit that it is puzzling and it would help if I understood what worked best so I could aim better in that direction.
Although I am sure that many of you are screaming the answer to this right now…something about sticking to it, exercise, moderation and low carb. you say. Hmmm….
What a novel concept!!!
Weight: 192.4 lbs.
Yesterday Tom and I forced ourselves to live as normally as possible, and tried to enjoy the beautiful summer day, time with his visiting family, some shopping and dinner at Duffs.
We headed out early to some garage sales, and I must say that this did afford some degree of escape from the oppressive feeling of grief. Until we went to one with numerous cat items, and another with a puppy eager for attention. I managed, but it doesn’t take much to have such sadness creep in that it feels as if my heart will break.
Later, we got some household things done, and I fell asleep into a drooling puddle of emotional and physical exhaustion in front of the tv. When I awoke, we called my brother for some computer advice, to catch up, and to tell him about Callie. I am never sure if he even reads my posts here despite being the administrator, and discovered that he had not, and was unaware of her passing and even her failing health before this. I am getting good at telling people to “read what I wrote” as a way of informing and updating them on this, however so annoying this must be. But for me, it allows me to not have to rehash all the painful details.
After this, it was nearly time to meet Kay and Paul at the Duff’s restaurant where President Obama visited earlier this year. To kill time, we stopped at a thrift store next door, and I bought a pair of size 16 pants that fit nicely and I am pleased on two accounts. Although I have obviously not lost weight, these represent a new size down for me, and my marriage size.
I also bought a little cloisoinne kitty that makes me feel both sad and happy, and gave her a place of honor on our coffee table at home.
We then went on to have a very nice dinner and time with Kay and Paul, although admittedly a dinner of hot chicken wings and even some fries, is tatamount to chewing on fried gristle, downing two shakers of salt, and washing it all off with a pitcher of grease. But, this is a must choice for them when they visit from Florida, and as long as I don’t eat like this except for when they are up, I suppose that I will live. However, as can be seen, not surprisingly, I also gained. I do attribute this to the grease and salt and then gobs of fluids I had later to try and quench my ravenous thirst.
Afterwards, we went together to Sam’s Club, and stretched out enjoying their company and the evening, a little longer. Thank you Kay for humoring me with your Sam’s membership, even if you had just gone and didn’t buy a thing!
I must say that although I was a little apprehensive about my emotional and physical energy level going into the day, I guess that I fared well, and never became the blubbering mess I feared that I might. Even when we talked some of Callie’s passing at dinner, and they remembered her so kindly and fondly. I hope, as so many nice commenters have said, that sometime soon I too can simply feel good about the great times we had with Callie and the many ways that she enhanced our lives, devoid of such crushing grief and even guilt. I can feel it being a little easier already, and thank good friends and family for their part in helping me to restore some sense of normalcy, meaning and perspective to this process.
And on this note, I hope to continue on this same path today, and call it a wrap!
Weight: 190.5 lbs.
Unfortunately, I am not talking about my weight when I say that I have reached a new low. I think that I am referring to my current mood and morale.
Yesterday was a bone crunching, demoralizing, defeating and anxiety provoking day at work, and when I wasn’t up to my waist in doggie doo, I was getting chastised from first arrival, until 9:00 last night. Now I am not blaming anyone else except one staff memeber who was simply mean and rude and made little attempt to communicate effectively. The others (my colleagues, boss, bigger boss) who “corrected” me weren’t without cause, and I am properly humbled today for errors in my judgement that added to an already sticky work situation that really has nothing to fo with me.
But, regardless of how it played out and all that went poorly, I am very saddened and upset even today by it all, and in having to deal with this even through the evening yesterday, quite burnt out at every level. We are supposed to get together for a Lawn Fete with Rose today, and both tomorrow and Monday are long days out too. I am trying to think forward and get into weekend mode, but expect it will take time to wash the trauma off of myself. Having my period just magnifies everything.
It will be interesting to see if I eat more or less in response to this kind of stress, but for the moment, I feel mostly like crawling back into bed and sleeping for another year or two. This should allow for my weight to drop!
Yesterday, between traumatic phone calls and ongoing trickles from work, Tom and I did go out to dinner (which we rarely do anymore) and then briefly to the same Lawn Fete that we are due to go to today. I ate half of a chicken breast sandwich and some split pea soup, but was starving as I ate nothing but eggs for breakfast, and a banana for “lunch”. As part of the “trauma” at work, our coffee has been pulled and neither staff or consumers are allowed it in the counseling suite anymore. This will be especially hard for me, as I hydrate throughout the day on decaf and tea and rely on this in ready supply to function mentally and physically. I guess that I will have to plan my day out differently now, invest in a thermos and figure out (if) and how to manage this…assuming we can even have hot drinks at our desks at all.
So, I am not a happy camper today and off to a bumpy weekend start despite the nice plans we do have that ordinarily would cheer me.
Lets hope I can shake the work week off and get in the spirit…or, as is usually so, suck it up and march on regardless.
Sigh….
Weight: 203.3 lbs.
Today’s titile is a play on words. Its duel meaning should be apparent to those who follow my posts and especially my recent ones of frustration with my mysterious weight gains. I am trying to cheer myself up and spin things into an optimistic reframe, so work with me on this!
Seriously though, I almost forgot to post today, because when I signed on this morning I had so many wonderful and helpful commments to read and answer, I felt “done” and nearly signed off when I finished. I was headed for the shower when I remembered that I hadn’t written anything today! LOL! Yesterday’s comments include a new commenter I find especially intriguing as we share the same degree and profession, and are both nearly the same amount of time out, post surgery. And she too is struggling to lose as she had before. If you are a reader of this blog but don’t ever get to the comments section, you are missing out on a lot of great advice, ideas, repetoire and sidebars. My blog is starting to feel almost secondary to me!
But, I will try to be as interesting here just the same…so here goes!
I did measure my waist as was suggested by a loyal commenter, and guess what?! Despite having just done so quite recently and being certain that nothing had changed, it actually had! I am down 2 inches since I last checked, and my faith in things is restored as a result. Barb had said to me in last night’s phone call, that she’d rather lose inches than pounds, and I had agreed. So, now I feel as if I am getting my just rewards, despite the damn scale going pretty much no where but up! So there, stupid scale!!
And this despite that I now have not worked out in nearly a week (for rather obvious reasons, for those who follow here!) I do intend to get back on this tomorrow, and may kick up the routine to try and jump start things that much more.
I am also trying to reconcile the whole sodium thing, and remain hopeful that my gains have been a reflection of salt intake and water retention. Or, perhaps my metabolism has become sluggish as a result of my now more restricted diet, and I may need to at least consider some better balance here. I do find that I am actually eating very little, and yesterday, thought that I actually hadn’t eaten enough. What a bizarre concept for me!!
I had my usual egg dish for breakfast, then promptly forgot to bring anything to work for lunch. Fortunately I did have Atkins bars in my desk drawer, so when I had a rare moment to grab a quick bite, I had one of these. That was all I ate all day, until I got home at nearly 6:30, from work.
Then, I had shrimp cocktail (and must admit that the premade sauce, did have “sugar” in its ingredients), and some more of the split pea soup that I’ve been eating like all week. (There is only enough left for one more serving, and then I think I will lay off the salty soups for a while!)
That was the entirety of my intake yesterday, except for liberal amounts of herbals teas, decaf, half and half coffee, and Crystal Light.
I am unsure of what I will eat today, but can say that mercifully, my work day should be less taxing and long, and this may help with the concept of balance.
An added stress and focus in my life lately, has been the possible opportunity to take the supervisory position that is about to be vacated in our department. It is up for grabs, and I am torn about whether to put my hat in the ring. I am already doing a lot of the administrative work, often consult with and advise my colleagues anyway, and have been there long enough (over 15 years) that I know the job inside and out. However, it comes with a grave amount of responsibility, including the potential for call-ins, emergencies, overseeing distasteful things like audits, and the need to deal with upper level administrators and the likes. These are not my strengths, as I can be accused of not only being non-political and administrator minded, but of being too emotional and sensitive to handle the rigors of a business model. I am also quite good friends with all my immediate colleagues who I would then have to supervise, and I would fear that this could change the dynamics and nature of our relationships.
So, I am torn with whether to seriously consider this or not, but do plan to talk more with my 2nd supervisor about this tomorrow. As she and I would share the duty and have to work closely with one another, her feelings and feedback are critical to me, and what she says will make or break my desicion as to whether to even pursue this any further, or not.
In any case, the anxiety and stress associated with all of this, perhaps of my own doing, is taking a toll on my mood and sleep, and I am finding myself weary, yet too stressed to be restful at night. I do wonder if this isn’t helping my progress weight wise, as I know that stress hormones can kick in and wreak their own kind of havoc. I will be glad to get back on the treadmill and such tomorrow, as this may help take my anxiety down a notch!!
Well…I’m glad I remembered to post after all! What about you?!
Weight: 203.7 lbs.
I am chagrined to have gone up a little more in wieght, and continue to hope that it is a factor of “timing.” I got home from work after 7:30 last night, and ate a late dinner, and wonder too if the stress of this lately combined with odd hours and habits of eating as I try to fit things in both during and after long work days, is effecting me.
Yesterday I saw 9 clients, including a very “animated” family, took two crises phone calls including one that involved a suicidal young man, met with my boss in the evening regarding all my new responsibilities, and waded through weeks of paperwork. And I am more behind in everything today than when I began early yesterday morning. Needless to say, I merely had time to chew a cheesestick here, eat a diet yogurt and grab a handful of cashews, there. All told, I ate only these three things in an 11 hour workday, along with several cups of herbal tea, vitamin water type drinks, and decaf. Before I left, I sucked down two scrambled eggs mixed with some chesse.
When I got home after 7:30, spent and near ready for bed instead of dinner, I had Tom’s leftover bowl of tuna mixed with diet mayo. And a few sips of leftover pea soup. Just before bed (at 10:00, which is late for me these days, but if any earlier, I wouldn’t have had time enough to eat and take my vitamins in the required 2 hours of spacing between them), I drank two scoops of strawberry protein powder mixed in strawberry crystal light.
That’s it for the day. And I gained…?!
I sure hope it’s my miserable pre-”M” state of being wreaking further havoc! I am ready to move on with this, but I’ve noticed that as I’ve aged, this process has become more insufferable, elongated, taxing and horrible. At this point, I welcome the hot and cold flashes of menopause! (Alright, don’t make me eat these words if I am still blogging into my 50’s and complain of them at that time!)
In any event, I am off soon to do “it” all over again, although I hope to be home for a normal timed dinner, and have more options today as a result.
It sure is hard to be as good or focused with this new schedule and stressors, but I will keep trying to find my balance, and hope to do better in all ways anyway, perhaps next week without the added “fun” of raging hormones. In the mean time, I’ll try to watch my weight resume its hoveriness with as much of a grain of salt as I can muster….
Sigh.
Weight: 213.8 lbs. !!
I had a very taxing day yesterday that included unbridled anxiety, hypoglycemia (?), relentless eating and stress. All were probably related and left me feeling miserable and off track. And look how much I gained in just a day! I am soooo depressed about all this today…!
I ate what I thought was a hearty breakfast of left over chicken stew/soup (I know, its a wierd breakfast!), and then ran off for a long day at work. Around mid morning I found myself weak, dizzy, starving and so shaky that I could barely function. Fortunately, a client had cancelled and I was alone at the time. I could barely grab and eat everything in sight fast enough, and this included a banana that I had brought, and some left over crap foods from last weeks staff meeting. I struggled to use the key to unlock our storage room where I knew the food was kept, as my hands were shaking so badly and the banana alone did not suffice. I ate a handful of pretzels, a leftover Chips Ahoy cookie, some chocolate nonpareils and a few candy corn. Complete sugary crap that had been there for some time and that I have passed over with no interest, until now. But yesterday, I couldn’t inhale them fast enough, and ate them with no regard to health or weight. And, I felt better within minutes…except for the guilt and remorse that followed.
What also followed was a long day of terrible “munchies” in which food from the bottom of my drawer was found and inhaled, including a granola bar, some nuts and later, more storage room pretzels. Plus, several cups of coffee, tea, and some crystal light. And I still came home starving - or perhaps because of this, I came home starving. What a friggin’ carb and sugar fest! And I didn’t see it coming or really even knew what hit me!
For dinner I had a large salad that had eggs, meat and cheese in it, and I hope for this to have detoxified me some, although I appreciate that the damage that I did to my self trust, sugar cravings and blood glucose levels will probably take longer to “heal.”
My question is whether true hypoglycemia started it all, or whether stress/work anxieties mimiced this and simply made me feel messed up and hungry. What compels me to believe that truly low blood sugar starting the ball rolling is not only the sudden symptoms I experienced, but the fact that my day had pretty much just started and I was operating on a relatively clean slate at the time and not yet stressed. The stress and anxiety seemed to come secondary to the supposed hypoglycemia and binge eating, and by late afternoon, I was all f***ed up. Supervision with Kevin in which he shared that “changes are on their way but I can’t elaborate now” and “can you come in Friday afternoon for a meeting with me and the other boss so we can assign you more administrative duties?”, didn’t help my state of being any! Now I am anxious, shook up both emotionally AND physically, regretful, guilt ridden, and FAT!
The only good news is that it will be hard to feel and do much worse today…AND, I am packing my own anti-hypoglycemia foods with some redeeming value (more fruit, an Atkins bar etc.) so I needn’t raid the storage rooms leftovers!
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March 29th, 2011 | 
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