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Weight: 192.3 lbs.
After work yesterday, Tom and I ran several errands, including a trip to the grocery store where we bought our pre-cooked dinners of roasted chicken.
Before I settled in to eat, I dressed for an evening in, and weighed myself. I was 191.5 before dinner. I felt that this might be shooting distance to get back near 190, where I then could focus on getting lower than ever and into my 180’s finally.
I ate some of the chicken and some spring mix cooked veggies that come in a bag. I drank several glasses of no-calorie “kool-aid” later, and went to bed pretty early because I have a long day today.
And weigh 192.3 this morning.
I was thinking that I might be on my way back down, given that I thought that I did well diet wise, and ate only moderately. Before dinner, I had my usual egg/cheese breakfast, and desk cashews and 2 cheese sticks and a pear for snacks at work.
Why did I go up? I seriously get confused about such things at times, as I seem to go up when I think I should go down, and vice versa. Almost as if there is no rhyme or reason…or I am very sensitive to sodium and fluid. But if so, wouldn’t a few good pees get me back down? Or maybe they are.
I know that I must be diligent and can’t hang my hat in any direction on just one days worth of weigh-ins, but I do admit that it is puzzling and it would help if I understood what worked best so I could aim better in that direction.
Although I am sure that many of you are screaming the answer to this right now…something about sticking to it, exercise, moderation and low carb. you say. Hmmm….
What a novel concept!!!
Weight: 192.4 lbs.
Yesterday Tom and I forced ourselves to live as normally as possible, and tried to enjoy the beautiful summer day, time with his visiting family, some shopping and dinner at Duffs.
We headed out early to some garage sales, and I must say that this did afford some degree of escape from the oppressive feeling of grief. Until we went to one with numerous cat items, and another with a puppy eager for attention. I managed, but it doesn’t take much to have such sadness creep in that it feels as if my heart will break.
Later, we got some household things done, and I fell asleep into a drooling puddle of emotional and physical exhaustion in front of the tv. When I awoke, we called my brother for some computer advice, to catch up, and to tell him about Callie. I am never sure if he even reads my posts here despite being the administrator, and discovered that he had not, and was unaware of her passing and even her failing health before this. I am getting good at telling people to “read what I wrote” as a way of informing and updating them on this, however so annoying this must be. But for me, it allows me to not have to rehash all the painful details.
After this, it was nearly time to meet Kay and Paul at the Duff’s restaurant where President Obama visited earlier this year. To kill time, we stopped at a thrift store next door, and I bought a pair of size 16 pants that fit nicely and I am pleased on two accounts. Although I have obviously not lost weight, these represent a new size down for me, and my marriage size.
I also bought a little cloisoinne kitty that makes me feel both sad and happy, and gave her a place of honor on our coffee table at home.
We then went on to have a very nice dinner and time with Kay and Paul, although admittedly a dinner of hot chicken wings and even some fries, is tatamount to chewing on fried gristle, downing two shakers of salt, and washing it all off with a pitcher of grease. But, this is a must choice for them when they visit from Florida, and as long as I don’t eat like this except for when they are up, I suppose that I will live. However, as can be seen, not surprisingly, I also gained. I do attribute this to the grease and salt and then gobs of fluids I had later to try and quench my ravenous thirst.
Afterwards, we went together to Sam’s Club, and stretched out enjoying their company and the evening, a little longer. Thank you Kay for humoring me with your Sam’s membership, even if you had just gone and didn’t buy a thing!
I must say that although I was a little apprehensive about my emotional and physical energy level going into the day, I guess that I fared well, and never became the blubbering mess I feared that I might. Even when we talked some of Callie’s passing at dinner, and they remembered her so kindly and fondly. I hope, as so many nice commenters have said, that sometime soon I too can simply feel good about the great times we had with Callie and the many ways that she enhanced our lives, devoid of such crushing grief and even guilt. I can feel it being a little easier already, and thank good friends and family for their part in helping me to restore some sense of normalcy, meaning and perspective to this process.
And on this note, I hope to continue on this same path today, and call it a wrap!
Weight: 190.5 lbs.
Unfortunately, I am not talking about my weight when I say that I have reached a new low. I think that I am referring to my current mood and morale.
Yesterday was a bone crunching, demoralizing, defeating and anxiety provoking day at work, and when I wasn’t up to my waist in doggie doo, I was getting chastised from first arrival, until 9:00 last night. Now I am not blaming anyone else except one staff memeber who was simply mean and rude and made little attempt to communicate effectively. The others (my colleagues, boss, bigger boss) who “corrected” me weren’t without cause, and I am properly humbled today for errors in my judgement that added to an already sticky work situation that really has nothing to fo with me.
But, regardless of how it played out and all that went poorly, I am very saddened and upset even today by it all, and in having to deal with this even through the evening yesterday, quite burnt out at every level. We are supposed to get together for a Lawn Fete with Rose today, and both tomorrow and Monday are long days out too. I am trying to think forward and get into weekend mode, but expect it will take time to wash the trauma off of myself. Having my period just magnifies everything.
It will be interesting to see if I eat more or less in response to this kind of stress, but for the moment, I feel mostly like crawling back into bed and sleeping for another year or two. This should allow for my weight to drop!
Yesterday, between traumatic phone calls and ongoing trickles from work, Tom and I did go out to dinner (which we rarely do anymore) and then briefly to the same Lawn Fete that we are due to go to today. I ate half of a chicken breast sandwich and some split pea soup, but was starving as I ate nothing but eggs for breakfast, and a banana for “lunch”. As part of the “trauma” at work, our coffee has been pulled and neither staff or consumers are allowed it in the counseling suite anymore. This will be especially hard for me, as I hydrate throughout the day on decaf and tea and rely on this in ready supply to function mentally and physically. I guess that I will have to plan my day out differently now, invest in a thermos and figure out (if) and how to manage this…assuming we can even have hot drinks at our desks at all.
So, I am not a happy camper today and off to a bumpy weekend start despite the nice plans we do have that ordinarily would cheer me.
Lets hope I can shake the work week off and get in the spirit…or, as is usually so, suck it up and march on regardless.
Sigh….
Weight: 203.3 lbs.
Today’s titile is a play on words. Its duel meaning should be apparent to those who follow my posts and especially my recent ones of frustration with my mysterious weight gains. I am trying to cheer myself up and spin things into an optimistic reframe, so work with me on this!
Seriously though, I almost forgot to post today, because when I signed on this morning I had so many wonderful and helpful commments to read and answer, I felt “done” and nearly signed off when I finished. I was headed for the shower when I remembered that I hadn’t written anything today! LOL! Yesterday’s comments include a new commenter I find especially intriguing as we share the same degree and profession, and are both nearly the same amount of time out, post surgery. And she too is struggling to lose as she had before. If you are a reader of this blog but don’t ever get to the comments section, you are missing out on a lot of great advice, ideas, repetoire and sidebars. My blog is starting to feel almost secondary to me!
But, I will try to be as interesting here just the same…so here goes!
I did measure my waist as was suggested by a loyal commenter, and guess what?! Despite having just done so quite recently and being certain that nothing had changed, it actually had! I am down 2 inches since I last checked, and my faith in things is restored as a result. Barb had said to me in last night’s phone call, that she’d rather lose inches than pounds, and I had agreed. So, now I feel as if I am getting my just rewards, despite the damn scale going pretty much no where but up! So there, stupid scale!!
And this despite that I now have not worked out in nearly a week (for rather obvious reasons, for those who follow here!) I do intend to get back on this tomorrow, and may kick up the routine to try and jump start things that much more.
I am also trying to reconcile the whole sodium thing, and remain hopeful that my gains have been a reflection of salt intake and water retention. Or, perhaps my metabolism has become sluggish as a result of my now more restricted diet, and I may need to at least consider some better balance here. I do find that I am actually eating very little, and yesterday, thought that I actually hadn’t eaten enough. What a bizarre concept for me!!
I had my usual egg dish for breakfast, then promptly forgot to bring anything to work for lunch. Fortunately I did have Atkins bars in my desk drawer, so when I had a rare moment to grab a quick bite, I had one of these. That was all I ate all day, until I got home at nearly 6:30, from work.
Then, I had shrimp cocktail (and must admit that the premade sauce, did have “sugar” in its ingredients), and some more of the split pea soup that I’ve been eating like all week. (There is only enough left for one more serving, and then I think I will lay off the salty soups for a while!)
That was the entirety of my intake yesterday, except for liberal amounts of herbals teas, decaf, half and half coffee, and Crystal Light.
I am unsure of what I will eat today, but can say that mercifully, my work day should be less taxing and long, and this may help with the concept of balance.
An added stress and focus in my life lately, has been the possible opportunity to take the supervisory position that is about to be vacated in our department. It is up for grabs, and I am torn about whether to put my hat in the ring. I am already doing a lot of the administrative work, often consult with and advise my colleagues anyway, and have been there long enough (over 15 years) that I know the job inside and out. However, it comes with a grave amount of responsibility, including the potential for call-ins, emergencies, overseeing distasteful things like audits, and the need to deal with upper level administrators and the likes. These are not my strengths, as I can be accused of not only being non-political and administrator minded, but of being too emotional and sensitive to handle the rigors of a business model. I am also quite good friends with all my immediate colleagues who I would then have to supervise, and I would fear that this could change the dynamics and nature of our relationships.
So, I am torn with whether to seriously consider this or not, but do plan to talk more with my 2nd supervisor about this tomorrow. As she and I would share the duty and have to work closely with one another, her feelings and feedback are critical to me, and what she says will make or break my desicion as to whether to even pursue this any further, or not.
In any case, the anxiety and stress associated with all of this, perhaps of my own doing, is taking a toll on my mood and sleep, and I am finding myself weary, yet too stressed to be restful at night. I do wonder if this isn’t helping my progress weight wise, as I know that stress hormones can kick in and wreak their own kind of havoc. I will be glad to get back on the treadmill and such tomorrow, as this may help take my anxiety down a notch!!
Well…I’m glad I remembered to post after all! What about you?!
Weight: 203.7 lbs.
I am chagrined to have gone up a little more in wieght, and continue to hope that it is a factor of “timing.” I got home from work after 7:30 last night, and ate a late dinner, and wonder too if the stress of this lately combined with odd hours and habits of eating as I try to fit things in both during and after long work days, is effecting me.
Yesterday I saw 9 clients, including a very “animated” family, took two crises phone calls including one that involved a suicidal young man, met with my boss in the evening regarding all my new responsibilities, and waded through weeks of paperwork. And I am more behind in everything today than when I began early yesterday morning. Needless to say, I merely had time to chew a cheesestick here, eat a diet yogurt and grab a handful of cashews, there. All told, I ate only these three things in an 11 hour workday, along with several cups of herbal tea, vitamin water type drinks, and decaf. Before I left, I sucked down two scrambled eggs mixed with some chesse.
When I got home after 7:30, spent and near ready for bed instead of dinner, I had Tom’s leftover bowl of tuna mixed with diet mayo. And a few sips of leftover pea soup. Just before bed (at 10:00, which is late for me these days, but if any earlier, I wouldn’t have had time enough to eat and take my vitamins in the required 2 hours of spacing between them), I drank two scoops of strawberry protein powder mixed in strawberry crystal light.
That’s it for the day. And I gained…?!
I sure hope it’s my miserable pre-”M” state of being wreaking further havoc! I am ready to move on with this, but I’ve noticed that as I’ve aged, this process has become more insufferable, elongated, taxing and horrible. At this point, I welcome the hot and cold flashes of menopause! (Alright, don’t make me eat these words if I am still blogging into my 50’s and complain of them at that time!)
In any event, I am off soon to do “it” all over again, although I hope to be home for a normal timed dinner, and have more options today as a result.
It sure is hard to be as good or focused with this new schedule and stressors, but I will keep trying to find my balance, and hope to do better in all ways anyway, perhaps next week without the added “fun” of raging hormones. In the mean time, I’ll try to watch my weight resume its hoveriness with as much of a grain of salt as I can muster….
Sigh.
Weight: 213.8 lbs. !!
I had a very taxing day yesterday that included unbridled anxiety, hypoglycemia (?), relentless eating and stress. All were probably related and left me feeling miserable and off track. And look how much I gained in just a day! I am soooo depressed about all this today…!
I ate what I thought was a hearty breakfast of left over chicken stew/soup (I know, its a wierd breakfast!), and then ran off for a long day at work. Around mid morning I found myself weak, dizzy, starving and so shaky that I could barely function. Fortunately, a client had cancelled and I was alone at the time. I could barely grab and eat everything in sight fast enough, and this included a banana that I had brought, and some left over crap foods from last weeks staff meeting. I struggled to use the key to unlock our storage room where I knew the food was kept, as my hands were shaking so badly and the banana alone did not suffice. I ate a handful of pretzels, a leftover Chips Ahoy cookie, some chocolate nonpareils and a few candy corn. Complete sugary crap that had been there for some time and that I have passed over with no interest, until now. But yesterday, I couldn’t inhale them fast enough, and ate them with no regard to health or weight. And, I felt better within minutes…except for the guilt and remorse that followed.
What also followed was a long day of terrible “munchies” in which food from the bottom of my drawer was found and inhaled, including a granola bar, some nuts and later, more storage room pretzels. Plus, several cups of coffee, tea, and some crystal light. And I still came home starving - or perhaps because of this, I came home starving. What a friggin’ carb and sugar fest! And I didn’t see it coming or really even knew what hit me!
For dinner I had a large salad that had eggs, meat and cheese in it, and I hope for this to have detoxified me some, although I appreciate that the damage that I did to my self trust, sugar cravings and blood glucose levels will probably take longer to “heal.”
My question is whether true hypoglycemia started it all, or whether stress/work anxieties mimiced this and simply made me feel messed up and hungry. What compels me to believe that truly low blood sugar starting the ball rolling is not only the sudden symptoms I experienced, but the fact that my day had pretty much just started and I was operating on a relatively clean slate at the time and not yet stressed. The stress and anxiety seemed to come secondary to the supposed hypoglycemia and binge eating, and by late afternoon, I was all f***ed up. Supervision with Kevin in which he shared that “changes are on their way but I can’t elaborate now” and “can you come in Friday afternoon for a meeting with me and the other boss so we can assign you more administrative duties?”, didn’t help my state of being any! Now I am anxious, shook up both emotionally AND physically, regretful, guilt ridden, and FAT!
The only good news is that it will be hard to feel and do much worse today…AND, I am packing my own anti-hypoglycemia foods with some redeeming value (more fruit, an Atkins bar etc.) so I needn’t raid the storage rooms leftovers!
Weight: 213.6 lbs.
I am chagrined to be up so early (5:30 am), restless and agitated on my sort of day off (I brought lots of work home), and to have gone up in weight despite being so good lately. I also know that I drank way too much caffeinated coffee yesterday and not enought other liquids to counteract this, and think that I may be a little dehydrated. I have a headache, and my pee has been quite dark. I will make an effort to drink up today, and have a crystal light by my side already this morning to get myself off on a better foot, hydration wise. I am somewaht apprehensive about tonight’s free spaghetti dinner that we are sharing with Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend, but at least as this is take out, I can prepare something different for myself without being as conspicious as if we were compelled to eat in the restaurant. On the other hand, they have never been over and I am bad at entertaining here and there is a lot to do to ready the house and such…so I am anxious about both the food, the company and the flow.
Eating and exercise wise yesterday, I worked out hard, and ate moderately and well. I am trying to concentrate more on leaner cuts of meat and cheese, and to have as many servings of veggies and fruits as I can. Yesterday was a little funky as far as when I managed to eat, given the demands of my job, but through the day I had tuna on wheat, cashews, a banana, some low fat cheese, split pea soup, salad and chicken and beef souvlaki meat. The latter dish I had when an old friend, Marlene, called unexpectedly just after I crawled home in a depressed, sad and demoralized state from work. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to come over for coffee (hence the several cups I also had!). At first I balked given the state of my mood and energy, but long story short, she came and we all ended up talking for hours and going out late for a fine Greek dinner at Athenas. Actually, she turned out to be just what the doctor ordered (she said the same about us!), and her company may have helped stave off what was beginning to feel like a very dark mood coming on. I am so grateful for good friends and the inherent support, perspective, distraction and energy that flows from them!
Just before her call, I had come home in a state of sadness after leaving the home where “Nancy” had died, as I wrote about yesterday. In many ways things went “well”, but in many others, it was all just as I “feared” - deeply distrubing, sooo sad, wearisome, and humbling. I was introduced as someone who could help staff (no clients ended up being present as they had opted to go to their programs and what not instead) with their trauma and grief, when in reality, and I said so, I had nothing really to offer but my facilitation of their process. I encouraged and supported dialogue, and tears flowed, guilt and angst were apparent, and everyone was eloquent about the huge void in her absence. Clearly she was a very well loved individual who has left a hole in many hearts, and that the circumstances of her sudden death, possibly due to aspiration, have made this loss that much more difficult. I found myself tearing up as each person told stories about her and about the day of her death and their grief and shock in its aftermath, and one of my biggest fears of looking like a complete idiot, may have come to fruition. Hopefully they perceived me as supportive and understanding, and not the numnut that I felt like at times!
Sigh…onward, ho in every way again today, I guess.
I am also feeling the need to check in on some long lost souls both here and with phone calls if I have time later. There is my Compeer, Kris, who I haven’t had the chutzpah to follow up on given the painful nature of every encounter about her of late. But, I must today, as I have been worrying about her daily, and need to know if she might once again be able to tolerate visitors such that we could provide even a small modicum of support. I also need to follow up with some long, lost friends who I haven’t heard from in ages and am starting to wonder and worry about. I am guilty too of letting life lead me by the balls and having time get away from me, and only then later realizing that someone has fallen by the wayside or a call is long overdue.
This includes a friend from here who seems to have disappeared, made more worrisome by her latest blog entries about physical and emotional struggles just prior to her absence. Chris, if you are out there, please let us know how you are, if you don’t mind me asking. I certainly know how hard life alone can be, let alone without the added challenges associated with the changes that stem from bariatric surgery and a lifestyle makeover. Especially if food no longer provides any degree of comfort and everything we know becomes different faster than we can acclimate to it emotionally.
Also on my list, is my brother, the administrator of this site. Unfortunately, although initially I had hoped that doing this site together and combining his passion for all things computer, and mine for writing and “connecting”, that this joint endeavor may finally provide us both a platform with which to relate and nurture a somewhat fragile relationship. This seemed to be true at first, but now I am wondering if it was more a figment of my desire and in my enthusiasm, I had forgotten that our lifelong differences are so great that this connection may have been only artificial, at best. This has left me feeling rather abandoned, as well as pessimistic about getting any degree of support as the need arises here. Although much less frequent than when we first put this site up, there still remains occassional technical things to do and address, or this site could be in danger of “breaking.” I have not learned many aspects of upkeep necessary for its smooth operation, or to prevent disaster should something need tending to. And now, as Roy has made both overt and covert overtures that he is disengaging from his role, I am concerned for the integrity of this site that is over my non-technical head, and for the fragile connection I had hoped that he and I had finally forged as siblings. It is even possible that Roy is reading this now if his wife has called attention to this (as he had also made it clear that he otherwise does not read my entries), and that writing about it here is only going to make any possible rift, worse. On the other hand, I feel compelled to tell everyone what is real here, especially in that this may ultimately jeopardize my ability to continue this site. I will keep people posted.
In final and unrelated news, the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that was filmed here in Buffalo, is really, truly and finally going to be on this Sunday. I have heard that it is two hours long, and I certainly plan to watch! Whew, finally something nice to look forward to!
Weight: 217.9 lbs.
Calories in must be less than expenditure. Don’t eat in the evening. Drink plenty of fluids. Get enough sleep. Exercise.
Only some of which I am even reomotely didligent about. I’m sure that I have flunked the “Success Habits of Weight loss Surgery Patients” (book fror sale here by clicking to the right). Laast night I actually may have gotten in enough sleep, as I was exhausted and went to bed before 9:30, and have only recently gotten up. It is 7:00 am…so I’ve managed to sleep pretty soundly for upwards of 8 hours. Lately, for me, this is an extraordinary amount of time, and I do wonder if the scale having crept down some reflects my need for this.
I have also gotten in an abbreviated version of my workout already this morning - 2 laps on 2.5 speed on the treadmill, and 100 reps on the cardio glide. Nothing to write home about, but SOMETHING, just the same. I am pleased that even when I must be to work early like today, I at least usually manage to get a little movement in. But, I have done little to ramp up my program or to investigate new and exciting ways to use the many machines we have or to ensure that I am getting a good mix of both cardio and everything else. I am hoping that some day I will be naturally inspired to learn and do more, but perhaps shouldn’t rely on this to come of its own accord, and should “just do it.” Tomorrow….
Hydration wise, I amaze even myself that I am not peeing liquid gold every time I go. I feel as if I rarely remember to drink enough, and when I do drink, it is often decaf or half and half coffee. Not great, I know, but what I grab for on the way in and out each day. Surprisingly, my pee is usually light or clear, and if the doctor was accurate in saying that this is an acceptable guage of hydration, then perhaps I needn’t be worried. Although I can’t argue with the overall benefits of nice, pure water and lots of it. I must also make a better effort to DRINK! We even installed a nice water cooler and have a good case of bottled water in the fridge to inspire me. Sigh….
As far as calories in (and out) goes, well, if you read here or know me at all, I needn’t say more. My appetite and ability to eat more than I likely should, ebbs and flows, and some days I feel “normal” (pre-bypass) as to what and how much I can consume, and others, I feel like I think most others do - as if I will puke on a simple bite. Mostly, unfortunately for me, its the former. And, I do test limits somewhat, and have consciously and unconsciously rebellious attitudes about eliminating certain foods altogether or sacrificing as if on another dreaded diet. I just can’t and won’t go there again! For good or for bad. I guess the long term results and my overall ability to be successful and to maintain will tell if I am ok with this mentality, or not. I reserve the option to tweak at any time should I need to.
So, there you have “weight loss according to Broad in Buffalo.” Where I am, how I got here, and my current level of commitment. I could do better, but then again, I could be doing worse. I seem to be on a decent roll just as I am, and I am not complaining. This is a doable lifestyle for me at this time, and I don’t feel deprived, alientated or taxed beyond my tolerance or comfort zone. I am content with the balance of my life at the moment (which is actually rare for me), and for the most part, I am not immobilized by self doubt, anxiety or remorse, as I am usually so prone to. At 7 months out, I feel as if I have found my way, at least for now, and the angst, soul searching, upheaval and worry of the earlier days post surgery, has dissipated. I hope that others who have embarked on this journey also find such peace as time progresses. I remember one wise poster at one of the on-line support groups I have relyed heavily on for guidance, telling me early out that the first several months were the hardest, but that it does get easier in time. I couldn’t quite understand this back then, but I now believe that this is exactly what I am referring to throughout today’s post. Although I realize that there is a fine line between complacency and contentment - and I hope not to sound or be actually stuck in the former, and not know it. Challenges, feedback, thoughts about this are welcome here!
Well, I am done being profound and reflective here, and need to run off to work where I can bestow my wisdom (ha ha!) on others, and get paid for it!
Weight: 220 lbs.
…or, 218.8 lbs. if you go by our “new” scale! A few years ago we had gotten a Weight Watchers body fat scale that is expensive and measures more than just your weight. However, we couldn’t figure out things like how to program it for different users, and how to get an accurate body fat reading. I am not sure if these functions do now work or what, but Tom informed me yesterday that he has been using it simply as a scale, and it is in perfect alignment weight wise, with the professional one in our basement. He offered to bring it up fom me, and this morning I gave it a whirl and am thrilled to see that I might weigh even less than I think I do! It is also nice to have it measure to the tenth of a pound, and starting Wednesday, I will use this exclusively for my daily weights. The only reason I’m not starting today as it may skew my weight loss for this weight (albeit in my favor!), and it doesn’t seem fair to do this until just one day after my Tuesday weigh-in.
In other news, I finally did sleep long and hard last night, as I had been getting a little worried about my insomnia/hyperactivity/mania. In fact, I was hard pressed to get up this morning, and am still fantasizing about going back down for the count. This is unusual for me, as I have become quite an early morning person, and typically am a whirlwind in these wee hours. I think I am now groggy from too much sleep, or perhaps still tired from nights of too little.
In any case, yesterday was just the lovely day I had anticipated it would be, although “nothing” turned out to include everything from laundry to wrapping Christmas gifts! I am thrilled that these are mostly done already, and thank Tom for begrudgingly pitching in with his talents in this regard. I am a very impatient wrapper with little domestic ability, and were the girts left up to me, they would probably all be either in gift bags, or would be bumpy, clumpy, tapey messes wrapped in mismatched paper. Instead, there are nice looking packages for those we still exchange with - namely Pete, Barb (and Rick), Zoe (and Dennis) and some things for the secret santa at our metal detecting party etc. We also have some nice things for my Compeer friend Kris, but due to her fragile mental health status this year, we are unsure whether we will even be allowed to visit with her at the psychiatric center, where she now lives. This is very sad for us as for more than a decade, she and I and then she and Tom and I after we married, have celebrated the holidays together in special ways, and worked hard to ensure that she didn’t feel left out or alone at this time. Poor Kris has no family and if we are unable to connect with her this year, it is hard to imagine how she will interpret this or reconcile our absence, IF she is able to even recognize the holiday and is able to be aware of her surroundings or the circumstances. This is so sad and tragic of a reality for us, and it is hard to even imagine her suffering and alienation in this state of decompensation that she has spiraled into.
Sigh…. So, we didn’t know whether to even bother wrapping anything for her this year, and I will call the center (again) today, with admittedly heavy heart, to see if there is any “hope” or change in her status that might afford us the chance to even say “hi”.
Tom is now relatively newly matched with a male friend of his own, and we mustn’t forget to include him this season, and I have already made some suggestions to Tom for a good gift for “B”. This said, I believe that we are way ahead of the Christmas curve, and other than the big task of writing out a million cards, we can kick back and enjoy the season rather than fussing our way through it like the masses! This is how I like things!
Also today, I will make one final call to “Frank” to formally and regrettably decline the job, and will officially leave this chapter behind me for now. I feel relieved to be able to move forward with my current job while no longer wondering or worrying about my commitment to endeavors there, and to my personal life, including the Mondays off that I have come to covet!
I will also resume my work out regime, having stopped yesterday lest I bleed to death, and perhaps again today for additional time to recover. Tonight is the casino for our final night of double freebies this month, and rather than eat at the buffet, we are planning to use the “free” lounge in order to save our food points for our return on Friday when we go to simply enjoy the whole day. We may also try to sneak in a Black Friday sale or two, and are contemplating getting me a new computer as I now hog this one up on Tom all the time, AND it is very old and glitchy and cumbersome.
Yesterday, in dietary news, I didn’t prepare a great feast as I had hoped to while luxiouriating in free time, but did eat leftover souvlaki from the meal out with the girls the night before. Then, I forgot all about lunch (yes, the souvlaki was for breakfast!), and didn’t eat dinner until late. Tom and I both had soup out of a can - Chunky sirloin burger, to be precise. Not too bad on calories or even sodium, surprisingly, and quite filling and tasty. I then nibbled on some peanuts and an apple, for good measure. This wasn’t necessarily a balanced or protein rich diet day, but acceptable, I think. I also do believe that I have been eating less lately, although I am not sure why. My better weight loss may reflect this. I do still struggle to get in enough fluids, but at least am on top of the vitamin game, as my Celebrate vitamins recently arrived by mail, and I am now enjoying their grapey and berry goodness that ensures enough calcium and iron, at least.
Last night, Tom and I also watched some specials that I had DVR’d, including the Big Medicine Special where they revisit some patients who had been their largest ever, and some had lost massive amounts since their gastric bypasses. It was both sad and heartening…and seeing this helps me focus that much more on the fact that I have been graced with an amazing gift, and I must not waste it. I am also so grateful on repeated occassions to no longer have to diet in the strict sense, and have read and heard, including in the Dr. Oz weight loss special we also watched, things that remind me how demoralizing, tedious and difficult dieting can be. Lately, I am SO glad for having had the surgery and feel a new sense of appreciation and respect for its value. I’m not sure why this has come over me just in the last few weeks or so, but it is a good feeling of power, accomplishment and balance, and I am glad to have it!
With that, I am off to use my more nimble self to do my usual householdy things before Tom returns from his early run. It is gearing up to be a nice day out, so I also think I will run some errands….
And, just being able to talk like this, both because I still have Monday’s off, and because I have the stamina and ability to move like this now, is quite a thrill and I am content!!
Weight: 221.5 lbs (!)
I woke up at 5 am after a night of dreaming about bathrooms and an urgent need to use one, and had to pee like a racehorse. For that matter, I peed a record number of times yesterday, and although I was sure to go again just before my 10 pm bedtime, this didn’t stop my nocturnal need for more. Now I know that I had a large cup of decaf before bed, but this isn’t that unusual for me, and I haven’t had THIS reaction before!
I have suspected that I am not getting enough fluids for some time, although my urine is typically decently light colored, and in the early days, the doctor had told me that this is an acceptable gauge of hydration. But, if I counted, and I should but don’t, I probably fall short of the “required” ounces recommended after bariatric surgery. Yesterday I do believe that I drank more than usual, and given my weight loss on the heels of this, do wonder if this may be critical information for me. I will make more of an effort to drink more often, and see how this goes.
Also yesterday, we were back to better habits, including eating home for a change. I had broiled chicken with steamed cauliflower and broccoli, and Tom chose to eat the leftover pizza. He also had donuts and bagels at work, and other assorted crap everywhere and every chance he gets. AND, he announced that he has LOST weight, as he is now down to an even 200 lbs. from the nearly 210 that he had been. Aghhh! There’s no justice!
In other news, I am back to drinking liquid iron for my mineral needs, as my order of Celebrate vitamins has not yet arrived and I am now out of the yummy chewables (I take both chewable iron and calcium citrate). Yechhh - what a kick in the gut! Even disguised in Crystal Light it tastes like a metal fence post. But hey, come to think of it, I also drank 2 large glasses of “juice” before bed in order to disguise the taste, and this too may have caused my bladder overflow and better hydration. Hmmmm…..
Well, it remains god awful early and I still have to make time to work out before breakfast and a full day of work. Tonight Tom and I and maybe our friend Nancy are going to the library up our street to listen to the author of a new book about our Bike Path Rapist and Murderer, talk about it. He will be selling autographed copies, and as True Crime is one of my favorite type of reads, I am likely to buy one and add it to my collection of now hundreds of good books I haven’t had time to read yet. In fact, I can’t remember when I’ve last read, which is a shame, because I read my way through childhood and college, and just LOVE to snuggle up with something interesting and be taken away by the experience. I tend to blame this on Tom as he isn’t much of a reader, plus he is such an extravert AND we have such an active life together, that there is little emotional of physical space to think, let alone concentrate for long periods of time. As an introvert who refuels through solitary activity, concentration and solitude, this can make my nerves and skin crawl, which come to think of it, is a near constant state for me these days. Might be good for burning calories though….
Well, once again I’ve blogged before sunrise, and I’m not sure what this says about either the state of my life or me, but at least it’s one thing I’ve accomplished today! I’ll catch you again tomorrow!
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September 2nd, 2010 | 
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