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Weight: 185.1 lbs.
Its Friday and compared to Tuesday I guess that this is a good thing. However, I still have an onerous workday to get through today, and rather dread it. I have meetings, supervision and clients scheduled, and I am feeling very weary and burnt out before I have even had my breakfast yet.
Speaking of which, I am continuing with attempts to eat somewhat better, although admittedly New Year’s rsolutions seem to have been made more to ameliorate anxiety BEFORE it became 2011, rather than a testiment to how I am actually living in this new year. Unfortunately.
I have still not even begun exercising again, and continue to take some liberties with my diet that I didn’t used to in the beginning. I am lucky that I have not gained more, although at this rate, I am unlikely to lose anymore either. Including back down to my previous low of about 182. I need to find things to motivate me more, as occassionally imagining myself in the 170’s or 160’s or so, with a wistful grin, just isn’t apparently enough for me.
In other news, the dinnertime gathering we had scheduled with friends Barb and Rick tonight was moved up to Sunday afternoon, due to technical difficulties. I imagine that I will eat my leftover chicken livers in front of the boob tube instead tonight, and given how exhuasted I feel, this may not be a bad thing. Hopefully I will be fresh aa a lily for Sunday’s visit! And tomorrow’s visits with Debbie and Janet who are coming over to “hang” and catch up. Making a total of two social/eating events that I have to find my way with and try and be “good” on all fronts. Barb and I talked on the phone last night and decided that using our basement exercise equipment together while she is over might be actually both fun and fulfill both of our goals and hopes to fit at least ten minutes of this in a day. It will be interesting to see if for the first time ever I actually exercise with a guest!
And speaking of such matters, Tom has a slew of doctor appointments and tests today as he has been complaining for some time about swelling and pain in his left ankle. The one he injured in a motorcycle accident years ago, but is toed out and somewhat deformed as a result.
Yesterday he saw his primary about it, and he has been sent for doppler testing and X-rays today, along with bloodwork to rule out gout. There is some concern that it might be a blood clot or even a fracture…and hopefully he will get the results soon as these sound more serious than the arthiritis we had both been speculating it was.
Also yesterday he had to go to the dentist on an emergency basis as his face swelled up and his teeth were hurting. It turned out that he had an infection (that I don’t quite understand) related to a cap or something, and this was fixed after x-rays there revealed the problem. He is also now on antibiotics for this.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that in addition to being worried about Tom, that I could hear “caching, caching” in my head as he was rattling off all of these procedures. Just as I am as I face my own starting Monday and going through eternity. Major kudos to our sweet dentist who recognized that just a week ago we lost all dental coverage, and he charged Tom a cash amount of just “$15 to cover the X-ray.”
As to everything else, especially given that we are in a new year and neither has met any of our deductibles yet, we’ll see. I can hear the sound of water pouring down the drain as I write this!
But, more importantly, our issues are being addressed, and for Tom especially, hopefully resolved without further concern. He should know soon what the verdict is, and although I am a little apprehensive, I am trying to be optimistic that it is something minor and will benefit from typical actions.
And, on this note, and with a somewhat artificial smile plastered on my skeptical face, I am off to greet the day and try and make the best of it all before I collapse when it is all finally over.
Weight: 184.9 lbs.
Although I worked until 7 pm last night, I have found myself further behind on everything already than I even was before I went in. As a result, I dread today and have twice as much work to do to be able to leave in better shape this afternoon. Ack - and it’s only Wednesday!
The better news is that I was so busy from start to finish, that I didn’t have time to eat too much, and when I did, it was a relatively healthy meal or snack. I stuck to eggs, cheese sticks, some nuts, an orange and turkey hotdogs on whole wheat. Not all at once, of course! I now see that I actually lost a little weight, perhaps as a result. Will wonders never cease!
But, I think that I am PMSing and feel hungrier and grouchier and more stressed than usual, and will have to work harder today to not gnaw through whatever crosses my path out of hunger and nervousness.
Next Monday I have to go for bloodwork to test the usual panel of things, as well as my iron and vitamin “D” levels. Although I dread the whole ordeal, I am eager to see how I am holding up internally. We know that I haven’t been too hot externally, having eaten more poorly over the last several weeks, and falling off the wagon with my exercise regimen. Which by the way, I still have not resumed despite my every intention to do so starting Monday.
Anyway, I have lined up my off work friend, Rose, to accompany me in Tom’s place to give him a break from the torment I typically put him through when either loopy on valium, or during the actual draw itself when I squeeze his nuts off if he stands too closely during it. I have already forwarned Rose, but she has chosen to take Tom’s place nonetheless. I have promised a breakfast out afterwards, and then if I’m not still out of my mind from the valium, we may treat ourselves with a movie later. This is also my way of rewarding myself after such a traumatic ordeal.
It will be interesting to see how my iron and “D” levels are now compared to last bloodwork-up, as I have doubled up on my Celebrate iron supplemants and the “D”’s they gave me plus some “D” drops. All told I should be supplementing with enough of everything that I shouldn’t be deficient anymore. And at least I now am able to get a copy of my own blood results BEFORE I go to my primary (on 1/31), so I should know sooner rather than later, and not have to rely on my doctor to tell me. I remain grateful that I switched from the previous doctor who was militant and unreasonable about such matters, to such a more user friendly one. Plus, I am no longer anxious that I won’t have enough valium to adequately sedate me, and am already less anxious as a result.
Now I just have to get through the next few very busy and stressful work days and my period….so I can look forward to Monday. Yeesh…I need Christmas to return!
Weight: 186.2 lbs.
OK, so now I’m really depressed. Everything fun has ended, I must focus on doing the right things, I have finally weighed myself and although not as bad as I had thought, still up from my lowest, AND I am cramped up with PMS. Happy F***ing New Year! On the other hand, I practically hyperventilated before standing on the scale after so long this morning, and must say that I am actually surprised that it wasn’t worse. I am relieved that my gain represents an amount that I hope to lose back without too much angst (I hope!), and that I didn’t go into my 90’s as I feared that I may have. It is surprising to me even now however that I was willing to take the risks that I did…that eating is still this important to me. This remains a sobering reality that I hope to contend with this new year as well.
Plus, yesterday I worked for a few hours as I have much to do to get up to speed with all that is on my plate, and found even more to do than I thought. I then ran out to get my hair cut as I haven’t for ages and was starting to look like Marty Feldman on a bad hair day. Anyway, I decided to try out a local salon school (Salon Professional Academy) as I had a coupon and was curious as to how this all worked. I got a student who had only been there about 3 of her 8 month training period, and bless her cute little heart, she was sweet and dainty and about 12 by the looks of her. As were everyone who were interning there, it seemed.
Anyway, it took her like an hour to carefully trim like a centimeter of hair off of me, only to have her supervisor then tell her that she cut one side shorter than the other, and make her redo me. It was a rather wierd situation, and I felt sorry for the poor little thing who tried to make anything out of my thin and freaky hair. Unfortunately, she was conservative to a fault, and I think that I came home looking exactly like I did when she started. Plus I had to be traumatized by her having seated me in front of a full length mirror for the hour long procedure, and I had nothing to look at but my fat self the whole time. I think I may have preferred going to the dentist….
So, I am not off the the enlightened and optimistic start I hoped to be, plus just as I settled in to exercise in the basement after returning from my “do”, Rose called and we ended up gabbing for 2 hours. I swear that my friends are trying to kill me by plying me with food and sabotaging my attempts to get on track, one way or the other.
Or perhaps they are a welcome diversion from reality, and one of the best things I have going for me in any year. Even if they do make me fat(ter). Ha Ha!!
Weight: What’s it to you?!
So yesterday was slated to be another day of reflection. order and diligence. Except that it wasn’t. It went well until about breakfast time, when Tom was off to church and Corky called asking if we wanted to come over “for an early dinner” at his house. I let the machine take the call both as I was busy, and to buy Tom and I time to contemplate the offer.
Also, I had seen a free Epiphany concert advertised for a local church at 6:00, and wanted to ask Tom if he was interested in going.
When he returned from church I asked him about both, and he felt it was a grand idea to go to Corky and Phyllis’ for dinner, and invite them to join us at the concert afterwards. I hoped that this plan would motivate me to get that much more accomplished before we headed out at 3:30, but sadly it didn’t. Plus, they served spaghetti for dinner (some wheat and some regular). Phyllis is a great cook and hostess, and there was also shrimp and veggies with dip for appetizers, salad and homeade cherry pie and ice cream for dessert. Oh, and fabulous homeade meatballs.
And, because it still isn’t quite the new year in my head yet, I ate it all. And washed it down with flavored coffee.
And feel badly that I have already strayed, and still have not figured out how to handle dinner events any better. Even when its not really about Christmas or another major holiday anymore. Which means that I have been deluding myself that the temptation would subside in the new year. Obviously, as long as we have good friends who either cook for us or want to join us for meals out, I will be hard pressed to make good choices in the presence of plenty. And not necessarily that which others choose or can have.
I think that I just need a head start to get my “diet” mentality back, and apparently a day was not enough of a lead in to this dinner event.
Hey, but the company and concert were great, and they are my favorite of Tom’s old friends and otherwise I appreciate the gesture and the comraderie. And I guess a distraction from all that fussing at home wasn’t necessarily a bad thing…although now today I have that much more to do.
Especially including eating right and exercising. Because I think that I have finally run out of all excuses and a new week has begun in earnest.
And I will weigh 300 lbs. again soon if I don’t. And this time I won’t survive if I do. Because 3oo BEFORE surgery is horrible, but 300 AFTER is downright heinous!
Weight: Not ready to face the truth yet
So the question for today is whether today is the final day to party hearty and enjoy the last of the holiday mentality, or whether it is now officially 2011 and the start of everything I resolved. We remain on the fence as to how to spend the day, but I am inclined towards staying in and getting some nice things accomplished. Including some R and R and rebooting of my mentality. I’d like to map out a diet and exercise plan, tally our resources so we know where we stand as the new year begins and in comparison to last, take down Christmas decorations and redesign some of our living space, and think forward. All of these activities should help to set me on the right course for where I hope to get this year, and are the start of a plan of action that isn’t left to chance.
Chance being my biggest downfall. When I don’t plan and things are left to happenstance, I tend to stray and make impulsive choices not just in what I grab to eat, but in how I spend my time. I often end up lazy and grazing, and don’t exercise because this hasn’t been built into my day. I really hope to get a grip on all of this this year, and need a few days like I now have to strategize. It is rare that we have days with no plans at all in them, but it just so happens that today and tomorrow the calendar is entirely open. This can be good or bad, and I am fighting with both myself and to some degree Tom, to ensure that this time be used for GOOD. Naturally, he wants to play…and this taps into the part of me that of course does too, so I have to try and stand that much stronger.
Last night we ended up going to bed well before the ball dropped, but Tom woke me after midnight to say that he got up and watched the ball drop alone, as I was sleeping. Since he woke me soon after anyway to tell me about it, he may as well have gotten me up to celebrate it with him! Men!
Anyway, before this and after our daytime friends left, we played board games in front of our fireplace. This was something we had never done before, and turned out to be quite enjoyable. Except that Tom “cheated” and ended up winning because he took so many strange liberties with the rules, and this made me crazy. Men!
Anyway, my hope is to find a balance of work and wholesome play again today, so that at the end of the day I feel proud and accomplished, and relaxed and tired from a day well spent. Just how I hope for all of 2011 and beyond to feel….meaning that there is much to do and much to crack down on.
Starting now, it seems!! Wish me/us luck!
Now if only I can get Tom to embrace the same. Men!
(Maybe I also need to become a lesbian in 2011!)
Weight: Don’t hold your breath
I can feel myself spinning in the wind as I speak. Now that I am back to work and my life is somewhat back to normal, I am beginning to think forward and am fretful that I need a whole life makeover and don’t have the chutzpah to accomplish this.
In short, I need to get my eating, spending, gambling, exercising and attitude under better control. I need also to rise to even more responsibilities at work, and manage to fit in and do justice by several new administrative tasks. I need to resume working full days on Friday…although this one is in the bag and already is scheduled to start back up next week.
I am apprehensive about all of the above, and although I know that I will feel better leading a more disciplined and effective lifestyle, I am loath to relinquish my slovenly and hedonistic ways. Self indulgent, sabotaging and fun loving brat that I am.
Ah, the ying and yang of life and the forces of “evil” at play.
Leaving the big question as to which me will win in the new year…and exactly how someone like me actually goes about such an extreme personal makeover. “Cause if I can do it, god only knows that YOU can too!!!
Weight: (Ack!) 188.4 lbs.
Going up! This has got to stop! I plan to just drink today to make up for my Halloween and pre-Halloween gastronomical gala. I can’t even post here what and how much I ate at Pete’s house last night as it would send any self respecting bariatric or dieting individual screaming from this site. I can hardly stand it myself! Suffice to say that candy and pizza and cookies and earlier, leftover Chinese food, were involved. I may as well have sucked on a salt lick and drank grease and munched on a bag of sugar!
Oh wait, I kind of did!
Now today is the day I have to repent for my sins, and start back on some semblence of better…whatever that is. I can hardly remember….
I do think that I will try to flush myself with lots of no calorie fluids, and limit my intake of everything today. I also need to kick it up physically, and taking my car in for $600 of work may burn emotional calories, but I don’t think it counts as esercise.
Yesterday the only redeeming thing I did was some metal detecting at first Tom’s sister’s house (where we found an old token and some mysterious metal items of unknown origin or age), and then at Pete’s house before the trick or treaters arrived. There we found a quarter, two pennies, an old toy car, and some misc. crap. I’m sure that there is much more buried things as the detector was going off like mad, but we ran out of time and warmth. The high was only in the mid 40’s, so it was almost too cold to stand it and Tom wimped out before he even began. I stuck to it until I couldn’t any more, and hope to have burned off a snickers or two. (Leaving many more to go!)
Anyway, it is clear that the season for good detecting is nearly over if not already completely done, so I can’t even rely on this to try and count as exercise anymore. I am also running out of all other excuses, and may need to revisit the basement gym real soon. Like today, perhaps! Clearly I am long overdue for discipline and self care, and can’t keep indulging without at least something to offset. And I don’t think blogging counts as exertion…unfortunately.
Geez, it’s going to be a long road and difficult winter, isn’t it?
And it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet…!
Weight: 185.1 lbs.
Well, Spice was sprung yesterday after she was deemed well by our vet. Well, actually he suggested that we wait until the results of her fecal exam came back likely today to ensure that she doesn’t have any parasite that she could transmit to Gingerbread. But, this likelihood is small, and we wanted to introduce them on my day off so I could spend the day supervising. So we decided not to wait the extra day as it has already been torturously long enough anyway.
And what a job this was! Gingerbread seems to hate her, and spent much of the time growling and stalking and hissing at her. I give Spice credit for not seeming to get intimidated by this and going about the business of exploring with little regard to the evil eye and swats that were clearly meant to put her in her place.
In any event, I grew weary of having to watch Gingerbread’s every move and work so hard to keep Spice from harm, and ended up putting Spice back into isolation a few hours later. I hoped that if I slowed the process down that the next time I let her out, it would also go better. But, poor Spice cried and scratched behind her closed door, and eventually I relented. It did go a little better the 2nd time around, but she was put back in “jail” for the night as we couldn’t risk them being together all night without oversight. Not is we expect to sleep and wake up to two ok cats again in the morning.
So. today we’ll have to do this all over again in doses as we have time…well, Tom mostly, as I work a long day.
Sigh. We had so hoped that Gingerbread would like Spice more than this, or at least tolerate her a little better. But, then again, this is probably a lot to ask of an 11 year old Diva who is used to being queen kitty and was probably secretly happy that Callie had passed and gotten out of her hair as well. Plus, Spice is young and spry and can be a blur of racing, hyper furriness, and for an old fart like Gingerbread, this is probably highly annoying at minimum, and overstimulating and provocative at maximum. I mean, I even feel agitated and like chasing her when she flies around the room like she does! We haven’t had this much energy in our house in years!
And perhaps some day this WILL inspire me to be more active and join in the fray and move my body the ways that I should be! Because there is nothing like a good role model for sleekness and enthusiasm to motivate…even if it is a cat!
Weight: 187.0 lbs.
What a wonderful fall day we had yesterday, and all my moving around not only helped me lose back down, but has helped me find a sense of tranquility and peace from myself. I tend to be an overly anxious and cerebral person, and need a break from my own thoughts and “fussiness” every now and again in order to find my way back to “sane’.
We got there early and scoped out the area beforehand looking for a flea market, (but the season had already ended), and then spent about 4 hours detecting at the camp. I got hugely separated from others and at one point was sure that I’d never be heard from again, but eventually managed to find myway back out of the deep woods and into civilization. I was never so happy to see others in my life, as for a bit, I was sure that I was a goner! But, at the same time, I was so enjoying the miles I must have trekked and the art of locating lost treasure, that I didn’t mind that I had lost all sense of direction.
And between Tom and I, we did find not only a handful of lost coins, but an old boyscout kerchief slider and a camoflauge flashlight. Nothing worthy of writing home about, but fun nonetheless. One member found a silver mercury dime, and another purportedly found a barber coin (old). Some others found civil war items, including a bullet casing. Terry, one of the members, found a live bullet!
Now my detecting juices are flowing once again, and I hope to get one or two last hunts in before the snow flies. It is probably rather like what men say about hunting - it is really just the getting out in the woods and spending a day in nature, with an excuse to do it, that holds the appeal.
And, after we did this, we stopped by the beach where we had spent a week this summer, and combed it with both the detector and our eyes, for more finds. I got lots of multi colored beach glass, and arms so sore I can hardly use them today! But, it is the best kind of achiness, as it represnts that I not only moved my body for a change, but that I was so involved in a favorite hobby, that this came before everything else, including eating, for a change!
And speaking of which, what we did have was decent and wholesome, and eaten while out like a picnic. I packed whole wheat and shaved meats and cheeses and nuts and apples and a protein bar, and we enjoyed this fuel when needed. I am hoping that this too has reset my appetite, and I can go back to looking at food as sustenance and nourishment, rather than as entertainment.
Lastly, today is Spice’s big day, as we are taking her to be spayed, assuming that she now passes her physical. I do dread this and it will deflate my current sense of euphoria left from yesterdays adventures. But, it is a necessary evil, and the poor little thing must go under the knife if we are to keep her. The plan is that we will pick her back up tomorrow, and that they actually don’t spay her until the morning. But today she will stay over at the SPCA, and they will deny her food and prep her as need be. I am sad and worried for her, but also looking somewhat forward to the opportunity to sterilize the room she has been confined to here, as we want to get any residual signs of her kitty crud out of it so Gingerbread is safe. I must ask how long the “flu” lasts on surfaces, and what is the best method for sterilizing, however, and hope they can answer.
Soooo…it is back to real life away from the peace of nature today, and it should be interesting to see how my appetite does under these circumstances. But, no matter what, I have been reminded of the importance of nature in my overall sense of well being and balance, and must remember this always as it may be one of my best tools for emotional and physical well being!!
Weight: 189.4 lbs.
The good news is that all the incredibly hard and exhausting work of detecting yesterday, seems to have tipped the scales in my favor weight wise. I am FINALLY below the 190’s for the first time! And, I refused the pizza and donut offerings that were plentiful yesterday, and chewed on the peanut butter on whole wheat sandwich, an apple, and a few cheese sticks that I brought in a cooler for myself instead. We even left before the catered bbq dinner so I wouldn’t be tempted by the offerings of pulled pork, cornbread and slaws that the rest of the group was having.
The other good news is that I was in non stop motion from sun-up to sun down, including several very long beach walks where I collected my favorite beach glasses and stones between the three formal hunts. The event is held at Wendt beach in Derby, NY, where we are nicely located near the water, but also on historic land with woods and fields. Many people detected the general grounds between hunts, and found some neat old things. I tried this, and found nothing.
The hunts themselves were far off from where the shelter itself was set up, so just getting to the woods and then fields where the coins had been planted, required lots of walking. Then, on a “ready, set, go!”, about a hundred detetionists ran around probably looking very stupid, frantically sweeping the cordoned off areas for coins and tokens. Well, Tom and I must suck royally at it, because while others were digging up stuff galore, and yelling things out like “I’m up to 33!”, we found like two. All told, in all three hunts combined, we found 16 silver dimes (some Mercury), and one token that was redeemable for a silver 50 cent piece. And a cotter pin that used up much of my precious time when I dug to China on this hit. Others found WAY more than us, but in all fairness, have better equipment, including pinpointing probes and other stuff that aids in targeting buried objects. We’ve got the cheapest of all store bought detectors, and 2 others found at garage sales!
Oh well, I guess you get what you pay for, plus, we don’t detect enough to be nearly as fast or as skilled as our contemporaries.
Plus, OMG, the mere act of running around and bending and digging has left me so beat up and in pain and exhausted today, I feel as if I was run over by a semi. I suppose that I was stupid to have used all the free time between hunts to beach comb as well, as all the walking on sand and rocks has also added to my pain. I am walking like a 90 year old today, and if I knew what pain killer I could safely take, I would be!
Then, to add more “pain” to the equation, Hamburg slots, which recently remodeled, was on our route home, and didn’t we decide to take our weary selves there for “a look see” and some dinner.
Yeah, right!
Now we have been beat up by slot machines too, with Tom losing the money he brought in such record time that I had barely even settled into my first machine when he came begging for more. I might add that usually this is ME…but this doesn’t excuse the fact that at this point it should have been obvious enough that it was all a losing proposition, and we should have ran (hobbled!) for the door. But, of course we did not, and because of how tired I otherwise was, I sat, brain dead, in front of just two different machines the whole time we were there, and didn’t really even care what was happening to MY money. All I wanted was a nice place to sit.
Does it get any more pathetic than this?!
And, then, when Tom finally came around again and shook me out of my delerium, we realized that at 8:00 we hadn’t eaten in forever, and had better grab some food. As we weren’t feeling the love there, we decided to go to an old favorite restaurant next door. And ended up having a very late dinner.
Although I was famished when I began mine, I filled up incredibly quickly (kind of like I’ve always heard that post bariatric surgery people should, but rarely feel myself!), and took most of my chicken dish home.
And, the rest, weight and “ouch” wise, is history!
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January 7th, 2011 | 
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