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Weight: 209.3 lbs.
I’ve never written about such a matter here before, but feel obliged to report something meaningful and serious here. Quite noteworthy and important, and of an ilk that I rarely speak to.
My face is shrinking! Really! I’ve been having the odd sensation in the shower and such, where I go to shampoo my head, and there is so much less of it that I find myself startled and needing to feel and grope my own face to be sure that it’s really me. Especially as it would be scary and wierd if it was someone else in my bath!
Seriously though, I feel like I have just returned from Africa or somewhere, and have undergone a head shrinking ceremony. I think I have lost the majority of my 90 plus lbs from my face and chin and neck, or so it feels. Who knew that bone structure was lurking underneath!
Next month I meet back with the sleep apnea people, and I would love to think that the wads of fat that have melted from my neck might translate to another reduction in my apnea machine’s number. Of all the medical issues I’ve licked since surgery, this is the most persistant and stubborn and difficult to measure, and I’ve heard may persist unless one loses ALL the excess weight, and even then, maybe not. So I don’t expect to outgrow the machine altogether, yet I’d be lying if I didn’t say I secretly hope and wonder, especially as my face losses seem the most dramatic.
I’d love to say that I am melting elsewhere, but I did measure at least my waist this morning, and I seem to be holding steady. On the other hand, I did not work out both while we were away last weekend, or during my time of great female discomfort. I am still in catch-up mode.
Today promises to be a relatively lazy day and I hope to accomplish things, although at 3:00 we must head off to our metal detecting club’’s annual installation dinner/auction/festivities. I do enjoy the cameraderie and we have befriended some members, and of course, I love the chinese auction component, and well, the dinner. I’m not sure what’s on the menu, but expect that it can’t be “good.” For some reason though, I haven’t been feeling as compulsive or hungry lately, and find myself satisfied with less and not as focused on eating as I feel that I had been. If you asked me what I even ate yesterday, I’m not sure that I remember. Leftovers mostly, I believe. I think this is a good thing and I hope to go with this flow and not force myself to think more about food than I need or want to, so you may notice a decline in emphasis of this kind. Trust me though, that if something stands out in this way, I will make note of it for all of our sakes.
Well, I’m off to do Sunday things, and enjoy the rare Buffalo sunshine! Happy weekend to you too!
Weight: 210.2 lbs.
Well, I am holding steady at 210 ish lbs. I tried to lower my carb intake and up my protein yesterday, and here’s what I throughout the day: 2 turkey dogs (leftover), a cheese slice on them, one slice whole wheat bread, 2 cheese sticks, a pear, an orange, some unsalted peanuts in the shell, and a stir fry chicken dish with over 20 grams of protein. Still not food of champions, but a little better, I am thinking. We still haven’t shopped, and until I get better foods in the house, we are stuck with susviving on leftovers and frozen products, mostly.
Last night I had a marathon phone conversation with a friend, meaning that I neither snacked or MOVED in like 3 hours. This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it!
Today we are awaiting news on whether Tom’s friend “B” will return his call and ask that we join him at his father’s memorial this evening. It is a touchy subject in many regards, and due to “issues”, we remain uncertain what the correct protocol is in such a situation and need him to let us know what he finds suitable.
In other news, I recently reordered my supply of Celebrate vitamins, and continue to find this company and especially its president, so helpful and informative. I feel liberated from the doubt and concerns I had regarding lesser known products, or exactly what I should be taking in the first place. Not only that, but I like the taste and texture, and have developed a reasonable and workable routine, even when away, that ensures I am taking everything I need to and in the proper amounts and with the proper spacing. If you are post surgery, you know how complicated and difficult this can be, especially with “rules” like iron not being able to be taken within 2 hours of calcium, calcium having to be of the citrate type, multi’s and calcium tablets having to be spaced several hours apart for maximum absorbtion etc. etc. I am grateful that Celebrate products spell this out on their labels, and seem to have boosted my energy level and overall feelings of well being, since I switched over to them entirely. I love that there is no more guesswork, and if I have any questions or concerns, ever friendly and helpful “Vic” is very accessible and kind.
If I weren’t so needle phobic, I might actually be looking forward to my blood work-up! I can’t help but believe that both given my great supplementation and my decent diet, that I should fare well. It certainly will be interesting when the time comes!
But, for today, there are more emergent matters to tend to…like dragging my lazy butt to the basement to give the machines a whirl! Then, off to work for the usual ya ya.
I’d rather stay and write endless blather here….. Aren’t you glad I have a job!!?
Weight: 209.6 lbs.
I am very, very tired, but can’t seem to sleep. I talked on the phone last night with the out of town girlfriend we will be meeting on Sunday morning, and she was telling me about how her boss is very ill and will be off for a while for surgery etc., and how the stressers at her job are so much for her that she can’t seem to sleep anymore. I shared similar feelings and we comiserated for a while, culminating in laughter about how we will probably both end up falling asleep on each other instead of talking, this weekend. But, it is a sad affair that so many people I currently know are all struggling either with jobs that rob them of dignity and a sense of fulfillment or value, or who are being pushed to the brink by overwork and/or difficult and toxic dynamics. Or all of the above.
In a counseling session, one of my favorite staff who accompanies a client who is very attached to him, sadly announced his inability to trudge on anymore, and he has given notice despite having no where else to go to. He will be joining the ranks of others I know, including a good friend who have become so depleted and chewed up that even the prospect of having no where yet to go, is better than the everyday grind of what is. I remain grateful that I love my job, WHAT I do, the clients I serve. I still have passion for this and them. My issues are hopefully temporary and reactionary to changes that are looming (and that only some of us know about), and shifts in structure and duties that are stressful. And moreso, to painful interactions with individuals in authority.
After an extraordinarily difficult day recently made worse by my personal demons, I’d like to think that I have found some balance and perspective and successfully trudged on yesterday, relatively unscathed by any new occurences. I need to remember that I am more resilient than I sometimes think, and that I need not allow myself to play or feel the victim. Thank god for the help and support that I did “eat up with a spoon” from Tom and others, as still without this, I would likely be more of a basket case today. Instead, I am only a little basket case, probably moreso due now to the cumilative toll that sleepless nights has taken, and a day long migraine type headache yesterday that took even more out of me (and may fore tell that my period is due, which could also explain SOME of my heightened sensitivity).
In any event, I am struggling my way back, and when I’m done writing here, will resume my working out, which I’ve skipped twice this week including yesterday. The interesting thing is how I have crept down some in weight, proving, I suppose, that eating LESS is probably the reason. Needless to say, I have been busy and distracted to the point that food has become more of an afterthought, and I have had to remind myself to eat. As you all know, this is not my typical m.o.!! It almost feels like how others descibe feeling - not food obsessed or focused, unaware of hunger, able to eat just a little at a time. Wierd how this shifted, but especially as this is so, it may speak volumns about the concept of psychological hunger. If I’ve theoretically been too busy, distracted and upset to eat, and hardly am as a result, I must usually be the opposite (obsessed, bored, overly food focused?) on ordinary days, perhaps fueling a false sense of hunger and causing me to over eat. No pun intended, but definitely “food for thought.”
Fortunately or unfortunately, this weekend will bring food back into full focus, as there will be lots of it to reckon with! I am in desperate need for the mentality associated with this, but not the food itself. I hope to eat up every bit of the play, cameraderie, abandon and leisure that the weekend will offer, while NOT eating the reception goodies, buffet delicacies or Valentines offerings. It’ll be interesting to see how I fare, especially on the heels of some new awareness.
Here goes nothing, and we’ll “see” you again in the new week!
May EVERYONE have a restful, sane, peaceful, fulfilling and LONG weekend too!!
Weight: 212.9 lbs.
Well, rather than going back down at least part of what I went up, I seem to have gone up some more! I am stymied about this, and if it keeps up, even my averages will be washed up. I thought that I got back on track, so this is discouraging - but I’ve got too much else to focus on and worry about right now to spend too much time or energy on such a matter.
Yesterday was a long day at work, culminating in a meeting with Kevin, my boss, who finally shared the reason behind piling me with so much extra work. I won’t reveal it here as he has asked that we not say until he has informed everyone, but suffice to say that it is adding to my overall sense of anxiety and stress. In fact, I left work weary and shook up, and trudged to my car in the far, back parking lot. I started shaking violently from the cold, and by the time I got in, I could hardly drive I was shaking so much. I shook all the way home and wondered if my coat was inadequate, my car heater was inefficient, or if my fat is melting away and leaving me vulnerable to such cold. I nearly crashed into an idiot driver a block from my house, and came home freezing, yawning so hard my body shook, and as tired as could be.
Immediately, I asked Tom to check my blood sugar due to yesterday’s high number, and because I’m not entirely stupid and wondered if it might actually be low this time due to how wierd I felt.
It was 61. And I HAD eaten a late afternoon snack some hours earlier.
It took me a long time to eat enough to feel human and stop shaking - now I realized from low sugar rather than the cold. Or, since this is Buffalo, perhaps in addition to the cold.
Then, after I ate, I promptly fell into a drooling sleep in front of the tv. Only after snacking some more later (on peanuts), did I actually feel human, and it was almost like suddenly I became infused with heat as this warming sensation overtook me and I could actually feel it sweeping upwards through my body and providing me relief from the chills. By the time I went to bed, I had renewed energy and could actually have gotten things done or something, if it weren’t bedtime instead.
So, now I wonder if my blood glucose levels are either swinging all over, or if the lip thing was just an invalid read and I usually run low, as I have been suspecting for some time. And, I can’t help but wonder if this has anything to do with the wierd fluctuations in my weight. Does this make any sense, or am I grasping for straws?
It does perhaps explain my chronic hunger, and my carb issues. I had a banana at work in the mid afternoon, and I wonder if this started it all. It is hard for me to eat in any semblence of a normal way at work, as I don’t get a dedicated lunch hour, and when I have back to back clients as I did yesterday (and will again today), this only leaves a moment here or there to stuff something quick into my face. Bananas tend to be my work staple for this reason, and I also have a stash of Atkins and granola type bars in my drawer. When I get a little more time, I may munch on drawer nuts instead. At times, I bring a low fat cheese stick or two, but since I don’t have refrgeration, I have to time these right so they don’t rot instead.
Anyway, today is gearing up to be similarily frustrating and stressful, and as I have to be in even earlier, I may not even have time to work out first. So, I’d best go now to see if there are some moments left to at least try to fit this in, although a break today doesn’t sound so bad either!
Weight: 210.7 lbs.
I couldn’t get enough sleep last night, and now have awoke feeling groggy and woozy. And for some reason, as soon as I hunker down into bed every night, my hips and lower back and legs start throbbing and hurting so much sometimes, that it keeps me up. It then takes a long time in the morning to walk the pain off, and for some reason, this problem is getting progressively worse. Much less often I hurt in similar ways during the day - although occassionally my hips and lower back do hurt so bad that I must sit down or they feel as if they will snap from the pressure. I’m not sure what this is all about, but some years ago I had seen a chiropractor and had an X-ray of my lower back, and was shockingly told that I had an old fracture in my lower spine that I was previously completely unaware of but that may have explained the cause of the pain I was having that sent me to the chiropractor in the first place. I’m not sure if this is a back thing, a hip thing, both, or perhaps a saggy mattress, as Tom is speculating. Next weekend we will be out of town and staying in a hotel to attend Tom’s nephew’s wedding, so I will get a chance to see if I feel any better sleeping on a hopefully firmer, newer mattress!
OK - now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let me get to what I know that you all have been waiting for. Actually, I am already thrilled that I have listened to you and decided to do the measurement thing, because in measuring my waist, I discovered already that I have gone down about 3 inches from where I was just a week or two ago when I playfully measured this with my friends over. At that time I was down 10.5 inches from what I had recorded as my starting waist measurement - so now I am down 13 inches. I guess. Debra’s theory about losing inches despite the scale hardly budging is so true, and I am so pleased!! Now I even feel somewhat vindicated over all my diligence with seemingly little results, and surely this will help me maintain perspective better if once again the scale is sluggish. (”IF” - Ha! I should say “WHEN!”)
So, here goes:
Waist: 41 inches (still huge and heart attack wide, but way better!)
Upper Arm: (including bat wings…15 inches)
Upper Leg: (God I’m getting hangy…26 inches)
Wrist: So you can see how small boned I am - 5 3/4 inches
Ankle: 8.5 inches
Bust: Bigger than my waist and I’m not sure if this is good or bad! 45 inches
Where am I forgetting?? What else should I be measuring? I hope I am holding the tape correctly and measuring where I should be. The waist one is spanning my belly button and where my fat indents around the middle. The boobs was harder and wierder and considering sag and all, I’m not sure that I got it right. Any advice would be welcome!
Well, there you have it, I guess. Can anyone speak to how they think I am doing, comparitively speaking. Is about 13 waist inches an ok or expectable loss to correlate to about 93 lbs. Why do some people seem to lose so many more clothes sizes and I feel as if I can still fit into my 3x’s - albeit very baggy. I now wear everything from x-larges to 2x at times, depending on the cut, my mood, and how worn the item is. I’m guessing that 22’s are my best fit at this time, although I haven’t really tested this out and gone out to try on real clothes from a real store yet, or anything. I’m not sure if my old grandma clothes count as an accurate measure or not.
Well, speaking of, I was bad and skipped my work out yesterday and don’t want to repeat this today. So, off I go to sweat off a few more millimeters, and I’ll check back in later!
Weight: 211.8 lbs.
Ouch! I woke up today aching from head to toe and am not sure whether I slept funny or whether I am coming down with something. I am so stiff and hurty! Also, yesterday I got stuck at work until after 6:00 and had a wearisome, somewhat demoralizing day that left me having bad and anxiety related dreams all night, and the residual, icky feeling that comes from unfinished business, stress, and uncertainty.
I am also a little anxious as I am awaiting word from my supervisor as to whether today’s meeting, rescheduled from last Friday, is on or not. If it is, he told me yesterday that he can’t make it before 5:00! Who meets at 5:00 on a Friday?! The sad thing is that if it does get scrapped, I will not be allowed to go in this afternoon for the other things I had hoped to cover at work, as they are not reimbursable services and can’t be justified as stand alone events. Meaning that if I were there anyway or there for a meeting, then I could slip them in, but not if I am going in special for them.
So, I am hurting AND in limbo. Not my favorite states of being!
In more mundane news, I am at least hovering a little lower in my fatness! I do wonder if limiting how many nuts I inhale on a daily basis is helping, or if it is the natural progression of things. Or if I will gain back up again tomorrow as I often do, and all this wondering will be moot!
Yesterday I ate backwards, having a sliced turkey sandwich (on wrap) for breakfast and the leftover half for lunch, and scrambled eggs for dinner. I’m not sure why really, except that it felt right at the time. I also ate a banana, some peanuts in the shell, and a low cal yogurt for snacks etc. All told, I didn’t eat a whole lot yesterday or the day before, so you would think that the scale might start to budge.
I also was recently asked about eating out by a friend, and realized in talking to her about this that Tom and I rarely do this anymore. For the first time in our marriage we eat out way less than in, and we just naturally and comfortably settle in at home for food prep each evening. Only when I think about it now, do I recall how unheard of this was before. Now, I actually find myself enjoying the prep. of simple dishes, and the time, money and energy saved overall by not going out nearly every day. You’d think that we’d now have way more disposable income by saving like $20 a day or something, but for some reason we feel none the richer, and can’t account for where all this savings might be going. To the grocery store, I suppose.
Well, I’d best sign off and face the basement beasts despite my achey, breaky body… and maybe this will get some kinks out and loosen me up. On the other hand, even exercise can’t heal my aching brain that’s still reeling from overload at work yesterday, and the possibility of more to come today. Although exercise may act as a stress relief in this way, for what ails my brain otherwise, I suspect there is no cure!
Weight: 212.4 lbs.
Tom remains quite sick, and I feel like crap of an undetermined kind. I slept poorly as my hips and lower back and tummy ached so, and I am full of restless, annoyed energy and just feel yucky. Tom has gone back to bed after getting up and eating a lttle. It is not even yet 9:30 am.
I can tell already that we are gearing up for another exciting day in the “B” household!
I did manage to force myself to work out this morning, but must say that it was strictly out of a sense of guilt and obligation. If I had my druthers, I’d be back under the covers myself now too. Last night Janet came over and we spent a low key evening eating Greek food out, and then vegetating in front of the tv together. I am guessing that today will be more of the same, sans Janet.
Tom’s nephew and his soon to be wife also stopped in on their way to take Tom to see their son wrestle, and I must say that they were a pleasant diversion from the blahs. They are young and brought energy and enthusiasm to our currently blah lives. Tom probably shouldn’t have gone out anywhere yesterday, but he too got caught up in the frenzy, and besides, isn’t one to sit much, even when sick. Today though, he is throwing in the towel on church, and we likely won’t run the errands we should either, as neither of us feels up to heading out in the 10 degree weather.
As to my weight and diet, I remain somewhat stymied and discouraged, but must divest and focus on just the simplicity of eating well overall and keeping on top of my exercise. This mentality helps, especially as I am weary and not up to thinking too deeply at the moment. Yesterday I chose souvlaki (chicken and beef mixed) for dinner, but cheated on some snack items of a tray of dried fruits, nuts and assorted other crunchies that we had laying around. I also drank probably way too much coffee throughout the day. I had half a wrap of cheese and turkey for brakfast, and pistachios in between. I think I did better on protein yesterday, but was lax on veggies. It is hard to get all the right things in every day. But, you gbers already know that!
Well, I am off to go feel sorry for myself now…and throw another load in the washing machine and such. Hopefully I can find the right balance between discomfort, misery, and productivity, on this lovely, freezing, blah, achey late January day in lovely Buffalo! Wish me luck!
Weight: 213.6 lbs.
I am chagrined to be up so early (5:30 am), restless and agitated on my sort of day off (I brought lots of work home), and to have gone up in weight despite being so good lately. I also know that I drank way too much caffeinated coffee yesterday and not enought other liquids to counteract this, and think that I may be a little dehydrated. I have a headache, and my pee has been quite dark. I will make an effort to drink up today, and have a crystal light by my side already this morning to get myself off on a better foot, hydration wise. I am somewaht apprehensive about tonight’s free spaghetti dinner that we are sharing with Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend, but at least as this is take out, I can prepare something different for myself without being as conspicious as if we were compelled to eat in the restaurant. On the other hand, they have never been over and I am bad at entertaining here and there is a lot to do to ready the house and such…so I am anxious about both the food, the company and the flow.
Eating and exercise wise yesterday, I worked out hard, and ate moderately and well. I am trying to concentrate more on leaner cuts of meat and cheese, and to have as many servings of veggies and fruits as I can. Yesterday was a little funky as far as when I managed to eat, given the demands of my job, but through the day I had tuna on wheat, cashews, a banana, some low fat cheese, split pea soup, salad and chicken and beef souvlaki meat. The latter dish I had when an old friend, Marlene, called unexpectedly just after I crawled home in a depressed, sad and demoralized state from work. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to come over for coffee (hence the several cups I also had!). At first I balked given the state of my mood and energy, but long story short, she came and we all ended up talking for hours and going out late for a fine Greek dinner at Athenas. Actually, she turned out to be just what the doctor ordered (she said the same about us!), and her company may have helped stave off what was beginning to feel like a very dark mood coming on. I am so grateful for good friends and the inherent support, perspective, distraction and energy that flows from them!
Just before her call, I had come home in a state of sadness after leaving the home where “Nancy” had died, as I wrote about yesterday. In many ways things went “well”, but in many others, it was all just as I “feared” - deeply distrubing, sooo sad, wearisome, and humbling. I was introduced as someone who could help staff (no clients ended up being present as they had opted to go to their programs and what not instead) with their trauma and grief, when in reality, and I said so, I had nothing really to offer but my facilitation of their process. I encouraged and supported dialogue, and tears flowed, guilt and angst were apparent, and everyone was eloquent about the huge void in her absence. Clearly she was a very well loved individual who has left a hole in many hearts, and that the circumstances of her sudden death, possibly due to aspiration, have made this loss that much more difficult. I found myself tearing up as each person told stories about her and about the day of her death and their grief and shock in its aftermath, and one of my biggest fears of looking like a complete idiot, may have come to fruition. Hopefully they perceived me as supportive and understanding, and not the numnut that I felt like at times!
Sigh…onward, ho in every way again today, I guess.
I am also feeling the need to check in on some long lost souls both here and with phone calls if I have time later. There is my Compeer, Kris, who I haven’t had the chutzpah to follow up on given the painful nature of every encounter about her of late. But, I must today, as I have been worrying about her daily, and need to know if she might once again be able to tolerate visitors such that we could provide even a small modicum of support. I also need to follow up with some long, lost friends who I haven’t heard from in ages and am starting to wonder and worry about. I am guilty too of letting life lead me by the balls and having time get away from me, and only then later realizing that someone has fallen by the wayside or a call is long overdue.
This includes a friend from here who seems to have disappeared, made more worrisome by her latest blog entries about physical and emotional struggles just prior to her absence. Chris, if you are out there, please let us know how you are, if you don’t mind me asking. I certainly know how hard life alone can be, let alone without the added challenges associated with the changes that stem from bariatric surgery and a lifestyle makeover. Especially if food no longer provides any degree of comfort and everything we know becomes different faster than we can acclimate to it emotionally.
Also on my list, is my brother, the administrator of this site. Unfortunately, although initially I had hoped that doing this site together and combining his passion for all things computer, and mine for writing and “connecting”, that this joint endeavor may finally provide us both a platform with which to relate and nurture a somewhat fragile relationship. This seemed to be true at first, but now I am wondering if it was more a figment of my desire and in my enthusiasm, I had forgotten that our lifelong differences are so great that this connection may have been only artificial, at best. This has left me feeling rather abandoned, as well as pessimistic about getting any degree of support as the need arises here. Although much less frequent than when we first put this site up, there still remains occassional technical things to do and address, or this site could be in danger of “breaking.” I have not learned many aspects of upkeep necessary for its smooth operation, or to prevent disaster should something need tending to. And now, as Roy has made both overt and covert overtures that he is disengaging from his role, I am concerned for the integrity of this site that is over my non-technical head, and for the fragile connection I had hoped that he and I had finally forged as siblings. It is even possible that Roy is reading this now if his wife has called attention to this (as he had also made it clear that he otherwise does not read my entries), and that writing about it here is only going to make any possible rift, worse. On the other hand, I feel compelled to tell everyone what is real here, especially in that this may ultimately jeopardize my ability to continue this site. I will keep people posted.
In final and unrelated news, the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that was filmed here in Buffalo, is really, truly and finally going to be on this Sunday. I have heard that it is two hours long, and I certainly plan to watch! Whew, finally something nice to look forward to!
Weight: 213.4 lbs.
There’s good news, and there’s bad news. I’ll start with my personal “good.”
I am in a better frame of mind as far as getting myself back on track goes, and I attribute some of this to hearing myself talk here (egads!), and to watching Dr.Mehmet Oz in an hour long documentary on health. He makes concepts of eating well and exercising so understandable and user friendly, and it motivates me to want to do the right things. I have his books and have peeked at them, but I have now made mental note to reread them in earnest. I had taped his show some time ago off of Discovery Health, and just got around to checking it out yesterday morning, shortly after I posted and while fussing for work. No pun intended, but I think that it was just what the doctor ordered. It got me in a better frame for the day ahead, and I did make better food choices and manage myself more successfully, as a result. In fact, I had good things like tuna on wheat, a pear, a diet cheese stick, a low fat turkey patty, steamed spinach, mixed cooked veggies, raw baby carrot sticks with a little dip, and pistachio nuts. Not all at once, of course, but for meals and snacks for the day. Oh, and a banana.
I feel healthier already! Mentally, anyway!
But, I do really feel more motivated. Plus, Tom has been kicking up his exercise and trying to do better the last few days, and it feels good that we can try to be better together. Dr. Oz had a quote on his show that also spoke to me, and I will share it. He was speaking to to one individual who like myself, was struggling to get back on track and was grappling with self discipline. He said: “We look for motivation to act, but really, we must act to motivate.”
I like this one and will try to “wear it” for a while.
As to my more depressing news, I am the one elected to go do on-site grief counseling today, and I am apprehensive and sad in the face of this. I had to clear my afternoon counseling schedule so that I can travel to this group home where I am told that both staff and consumers are traumatized and bereaved by the sudden death of a woman who resided there. I did not know her, but heard that she was well loved, and that she died while at home and in front of a staff. As a counselor, I am being asked to offer support, guidance, wisdom (like there is any in the face of such tragedy!), and probably most importantly, an ear. I have been called to such duty before, including last year when another consumer passed away quite suddenly, and some time back when a van carrying several disabled consumers was hit on the thruway, and all plus the driver perished, leaving one of Aspire’s group homes suddenly absent many of its individuals. What a horrificly sad situation this was!
Anyway, I am not eager to repeat this experience, and no matter the topic, am never thrilled in front of “crowds” or groups of people. I plan to work out extra hard when I am done with writing this, for both stress relief (better than eating!), and to get some extra blood flow to my brain so I can maybe find something of comfort or help to say while there.
So, this is a snapshot of my life and coping skills….and I know that I must continue to work hard on the idea that its not what life gives you, but what you do with it, that counts most. Wish me luck!
Weight: 214.1 lbs.
I can’t be trusted anywhere around food of any kind anymore. After a long and frustrating day at work yesterday, Tom picked me up so that we could head together to more stores in search of that damn shelf we’d like. We ended up weary and hungry, and went back to the buffet we just ate at over the weekend. As if I didn’t learn my lesson about overindulgence just days ago. On the other, better hand, I did make decent choices, including the discovery that they have shrimp cocktail and a mongolian bbq component in which you pick your own meats and veggies and they cook them fresh for you. At least I am sure to have gotten my protein and veggie requirements in for the day!
In other yesterday news, I have only been to work one day out of the last 5, and I am already toasty. Ack- what a taxing and awful day! Especially given that I am still “under the weather”, which is girl speak for “that time of the month.” Whatever you call it, I felt ill prepared for the demands of the day, and had a hard time sleeping last night given the stress and unfinished business of such a yucko day. One of the most stressful and sad aspects was hearing of the sudden death of a beloved resident of one of Aspire’s group homes, and the staff’s request for someone from our counseling department to provide on-site counseling to her friends and staff who are acutely grief stricken by her tragic death. I am trying hard to not have the elected person be me, as I have done this a few times before, and find it the most difficult, sad and painful experience that I am also not very good at. I hate counseling large groups of total strangers, and especially under such circumstances. Let’s all hope together that my colleague is able and willing to go there Thursday so I don’t have to. Shhh…fingers crossed!
And, as you can see, I have understandably gained weight and am creating even more misery for myself. My resolutions, mantras and meditations about making this a better year, weight wise, seem to have fallen to the wayside and I mindlessly am continuing in poor choices and patterns - especially under stress. Plus, given the state of myself these last few days, I haven’t worked out and fear getting rusty if I don’t get back into the swing soon. Since it is now too late to do so this morning, tomorrow will have to do.
My new found fear and question is unfortunately becoming: ”will tomorrow ever come?”
I’m not so optimistic at the moment….
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February 21st, 2010 | 
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