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Weight: 193.0 lbs.
In yesterday’s paper was a nice little article about friendship that made me appreciate mine that much more. It spoke to the fact that the best friends don’t “just feed us brownie”, but tell us it like it is when we need to be kicked in the pants.
Which is what both Debbie and Janet did with me while over for brunch yesterday. Both read my blog, and felt that my posts of recent days sounded as if I was selling myself short and giving up, and even worse, that I might have insulted Debra with my comments. Honestly I had worried that it was hard to capture the essence of what I really meant to say, and that things may in fact have come out sounding much worse than I meant. And if I offended or sounded morbidly depressed or as if I am giving up on myself, I didn’t mean this at all! But if I had to explain this to those who know me best, then I probably must explain and apologize to relative strangers as well. Sorry!! Really!!
I am still ME and as such, doing ME things that aren’t always great, but still pretty ok by comparison. In fact, I didn’t eat a single bagel despite being surrounded by them yesterday. I stuck with eggs and bacon (proteins) for breakfast, and chicken for dinner. I am still trying to be decent and make smart(er) choices…. I also worked out harder yesterday in preparation for being “off” the next day or two while away and lazy.
I have also been thinking about the concept of struggle and guilt as it pertains to the post bariatric journey, and am thinking that for good or bad, while others may have enjoyed a hiatus from both and a honeymoon period of losing fast and little hunger, I never did, really. If I look at my old posts, including those very soon after surgery, I was plagued with guilt and concerns even then, and don’t know what its like to have felt even a moment of significant hunger suppression or predictable weight loss. And I am thinking that the good news about this is that I am therefore not having to face this for the first time as the bariatric advantage wears off, nor am I shocked today by how hard everything is. I have known this all along and although a little harder now weight loss wise, the issues are still the same for me and I wasn’t lulled into believing otherwise first and then being caught off guard by a gradual increase in appetite, weight gain or struggles.
I have also been thinking a lot lately about the value of good friends in my life and journey, and my gratitude to those especially who have been there for and with me through thick and thin. And fat and less fat. And I am wondering if I may have faltered even more if I didn’t have the support and perspective of so many others.
In addition, I have recently been warmed by many kindnesses generated by others, including Zoe’s invitation for dinner on my birthday, Nancy “stealing” the bariatric magazine out of a waiting room as “I knew you would be interested”, and Rose’s recent visit in which she brought Callie kitty treats as “I knew she hadn’t been feeling well lately.” (And I now know why Tom and I spent years trying to find such an dear old friend who is as generous and kind as this!)
Also, Debbie wrote a heartwarming thank you for our support when her mother passed and of the value of our friendship to her, and Dennis has offered to help Tom with his upcoming brake work. Also, Janet’s sister Carol was kind enough to set aside gobs of stuff from her recent garage sale as she knew of my interest in donating such items, and saved enough (that she could have sold instead) to keep a small program busy for months! And Janet added items to this, and now that she is well, has made keeping up with us a priority.
I am touched by and and greatly appreciate friendships of depth and mutual fulfillment, where milestones are honored and remembered, and most importantly, where someone cares enough to be generous with their time or themselves when the chips are down. Especially given the sobering realities around how short life can be, I have chosen to value and treasure my truest friends, as they do me, and no matter how hard things may then get, at least there is a feeling that you are not alone and that we are all in this together.
And, that if need be, they can slap some sense into me (or I them!), and we can keep each other honest and motivated and focused on what we are capable of and not what isn’t. And that even when things seem too hard to conquer, that giving up altogether is not an option.
And for those who I haven”t met but who are friends here nonetheless, I am equally as grateful!!
Weight: 192.7 lbs.
I CAN do this! I must do this! I am doing this!
I had a good day yesterday, and did my very best to hold tight to the kind words of others and follow proper bariatric and lifestyle philosophies. I started by working out extra hard, which set the right tone for a day of empowerment and vigor to follow.
Tom worked an extra shift yesterday so was gone for all but an hour of the day, and as he had taken my car because his was in the shop, I was stuck home, alone, with a blessed degree of solitary time to ponder life, catch up on cerebral pursuits, and continue infusing myself with support and perspective via the internet. I read several people’s blogs, including ones I had never seen or heard of before. It is fascinating how many people write about their situations, and admittedly, I gravitated most to those who were candid about their struggles as I am. I don’t prefer those with recipes or “just the facts, maam” at this point, but find inspiration in heartfelt journaling from those in the trenches. I was able to see how others struggle with the carb monster, perhaps have gained or stalled, and what they feel and are trying to do to overcome such obstacles. One in particular wrote eloquently of her bouts of stress induced nibbling, with the consequence of a five pound weight gain that was difficult to stand. It helped me to feel less alone in how hard this all is, as well as to derive strentgh from her ultimate resolve to do better. Clearly, I am not the only one who waffles (no pun intended!), struggles, falters, gains, stalls, pulls hair out and loses sleep over the realities of this process. Sometimes it feels really good to know this, and it is interesting psychology as to how this actually serves to motivate and encourage me, rather than crush my spirit further.
Perhaps there truly is something to be said for the fact that misery loves company. And in my case, thrives on it.
In other “good” news, I forgot to mention that I did get the results back from my cpap titration study, and that I am down to a “5″ for my cpap setting! I believe that I started out at oxygen level 18, so this is a huge drop in the pressure necessary for me to breathe properly at night! However, the conservative doctor asked that she not put me all the way down this far from the 11 I tested at last time, as she feared that this might be too much for my system. So, she had us adjust the pressure down to “8″ for now, despite that I am actually lower. This is ok with me and I must trust her wisdom, although I still feel my cheeks puff out at times as air fills my face and has no where to go!
So, today I am actually writing a triumphant and optimistic post for a rare change, and feel the full glories of the moment. Plus, no one is dying or sick that I am aware of for the moment…and just for now, life is good and I am on track! And I’ll take it!!
Weight: 192.5 lbs.
I am so glad that I got up the nerve to post a query at obesityhelp.com yesterday, regarding my ongoing struggles with food, myself, my weight, my will. I got a ton of awesome responses that have helped bolster my confidence, put things back in perspective, and most importantly, empower me to continue to fight to be true to what I know I must do to succeed. I am now thinking that my problem doesn’t lie in not knowing what I must do, but in having the will, confidence, desire and chutzpah to do it. And that to succeed, I must “just do it!!” Like Nike. One response was something about pulling myself up by my big girl panties, and doing the right thing. I know that this actually feels so much better anyway than doing what I know is bad for me, proving once again that my problem is not in lack of knowlege about WHAT I should do, but in the earnest and consistent push to do it.
What was so awesome about the reponses I got, was that none were condescending or mean spirited, despite the fact that I left myself wide open for and practically invited people to chastise me. Instead, it was so helpful to have strangers on the same journey, share their own struggles, especially when full of carbs and the cravings that are fueled by these. It helps me to see that no ones course has been easy, although some have still lost quicker and with less fuss, than I. Most, in fact. But, nonetheless, no one described this process as effortless or as something they don’t have to remain forever vigilant about. And this reminds me that it is not a race to an imaginary finish line or a one time accomplishment, but rather a lifelong process for which there is no real beginning, middle or end. Rather, the journey is a daily or perhaps hourly one, with opportunies for both good or bad choices each minute, and most people and not just me, falter at times. But, it is more about frequency and degree, I believe, and although one may lose some battles at times, it is the larger war that we should all be concentrating on along with knowing what weapons are needed to win it.
This all having been said and absorbed, I do feel as if I can work once more to put on a better “head”….rather like growing through positive reinforcement, encouragement and example.
Or at least doing whatever I can to be true to myself and my mission and using the tools I do already possess. And the reality is that no one else is going to do any of this for me, and waiting for the perfect moment or opportunity to arise to start, is really just stalling for time.
So, I am feeling more ready to take myself on once again, and do intend to find it in myself to get off carbs and back on track. I agree that the two are inextricably interwoven, and to make this work, I must stop eating carby crap. The reality is that until some months ago, I was much better at avoiding them, but once I allowed myself that first really crunchy, carby treat, I have not gotten out of this bad habit since….despite brief attempts and even a pouch test in an effort to try. I do feel that they are that addictive and alluring to me, and I must find my way to accept that I just can’t allow such indulgences and hope to do well. And yes, I guess that I have known this all along at some level.
Gee…now all that’s left is the panty trick….or something about bootstraps. And possibly a sponsor or twenty to keep me straight when the carbs come calling!
No doubt I will be using obesityhelp a whole lot more in weeks to come!
Weight: 203.8 lbs.
I am surprisingly chagrined and depressed that I didn’t lose again today, and wish it didn’t effect how I feel about things so much. But, it does. I think it is because I am so worried that I will go back into endless hover mode or whatever, and once again, will fall back in every way as a result. I know that I ate pretty well by my new standards yesterday, and resisted a lot of what surrounded me. We went to an afternoon long raffle thing at Tom’s church, where for the price of admission, you got pizza, nachos, and pretzels and chips that sat on every table. Tom ate all 4 slices of pizza (this included mine two), and both containers of munchies. I ate 2 diet cheese sticks that I had brought to tide me over. And drank the decaf we picked up along the way. He had pop, beer, and a taste of wine (all included).
Then in the evening, we went to see the movie “Avatar” (in 3d), and everyone sitting near us seemed to be eating gallons of movie popcorn, such that my cells could taste it by osmosis. I never wanted it so badly in my life! I think that just becasue I know I “can’t”, that this is starting to play on me emotionally, and once again, I am feeling a little snarkly about food, and a tad deprived and sorry for myself. I hate, hate, hate this, and even admitting to this, but alas, it is true and real and I can’t just ignore it.
I did have the leftover chicken teriyaki dish from Saturday’s dinner, but ate as little of the rice except for the pieces stuck to the meat and veggies, that I could. I also had 2 small scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast, and 5 slices of lean turkey cold cuts for dinner. That is all, all day. I am hoping that the sodium from the cold cuts (Hormel) or something is what has stalled me, or perhaps after having a banner week, it is too much to expect to keep losing every day.
Well, there is no choice but to move forward anyway, and combat the regret and cravings monsters. Because quite frankly I have lots, because I surely could be farther along and doing better mentally and physically right now, if I had started off on this better track right off. I realize that it is not too late, but must be honest that I am sad that I wasn’t indoctrinated well from the beginning, and do wonder if it is just me with a blind spot, or if the supposed center of excellence that I used, just doesn’t invest enough in the guidance process. I mean, other than the one mandatory “nutrition” class that you attend with everyone else due to have surgery momentarily like yourself, there is no teaching or emphasis on this aspect of things. There is supposedly a nutritionalist in the wings, but when I tried to use her, although very nice, she is largely free only by phone, and for brief questions and the like. I believe that she simply consults to their program and it not housed there. So, other than by becoming a devotee of their support group, which in all fairness does meet bi-weekly, little is said about eating itself. Perhaps they expect everyone to attend the support meetings, embrace the recipes shared there, and learn from one another and whatever the topic is that week. But I do know that for me and my thick skull, such a group process is not my venue of choice, nor does it provide me the comprehensive, more personalized attention and understanding that I need. I have to wonder if others are struggling similarily, as a result. Or again, if I am just denser than most. Or in more denial. Or whatever.
Well, it is what it is, I am what I am, and I have choices and opportunities yet, every day forward. So, with this in mind, I must continue on and use what I NOW know, and choose to make tomorrow better. Right??!!
Weight: 241.5 lbs.
Today I don’t even care what I weigh, as I have bigger fish to fry (mmm…fish fry! Yum!).
I am sad and upset with myself after a long talk with my supervisor at work, and I am appreciating in a new and exciting way just how f***ed up I am to have (over-) reacted to recent issues there — and the position that this has left others and myself in as a result. I amaze even myself how passionately I may react to certain things without regard to rules or boundaries at times, and how these tend to be thematic to issues of territoriality, trust, and feelings of responsibility. I learned that I am not good at trusting or believing in others to step up to the plate on issues of importance, and that anxiety and stress especially trigger me into a “fight” pattern in which I assume I must attempt to protect or solve, as I don’t believe than anyone else can or will.
Continue reading “Is There a Psychiatrist in the House?!”
Weight: 247 lbs.
Today was another “hit the road running” type of day, where everything got rushed and nothing felt as if it was done well. I didn’t get my exercise in as hoped and planned, as I ended up prioritizing it second after phone calls I had to make before work. Unfortunately everything took longer than expected, and I didn’t even get to work as early as I had hoped; I consequently felt rushed there all day as well. And tomorrow I’ll have to do that much more to make up for today. I feel all out of kilter both at home and at work now. Plus, I am taking Friday off to attend Sally’s funeral and the brunch afterwards, and then to pick up Tom from the airport around 3:30.
Continue reading “‘As My World Turns’ or ‘Days of My Lives’”
Weight: 254 lbs.
I seem to be stuck, weightwise. (Maturationally too, some may argue!) I believe that I have been eating within reasonable guidelines lately, although I haven’t posted my daily intake as I used to and could be consuming entire mammals for all anyone would know.
Today I had my usual husband-made oatmeal with peanut butter, skim milk, a banana, and flax seeds. I only can eat a few bites, and will likely eat the rest of the bowl over the next two breakfasts. For “lunch” I had a cheese stick at work and then, later, half a wrap sandwich with chicken, mayo, tomato, and lettuce in it.
For dinner, I had a bowl of Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle Soup, minus the noodles which I ditched. Then I had the remainder of a yogurt parfait with strawberries and granola in it that came from the Casino on Monday and has been nibbled down to nothing throughout the week.
Continue reading “The Strain in My Brain Causes Me Pain (and to Gain!)”
Weight: 254 lbs.
It is pouring out here in good old Buffalo, NY. It is also cold, and overall, it has been a pretty crummy summer. People are driving home as I just did, in rush hour, with no lights on. At times, people don’t signal for turns either. One numbnuts in front of me merely stopped, lightless and without signaling his intent. Does he have any idea what a dork-brain he is?! Eww — I have such a pet peeve about stupid drivers, made worse by hormones! God, to be a man just for this week…if you are a man and reading this, you don’t know how lucky you are not to have to deal with the likes of periods and menopause or peri-menopause or whatever. Although I suppose that you do have to deal with spouses and sisters and mothers and daughters and girlfriends who want to rip your face off for no apparent reason every month around the same time. OK…perhaps that isn’t so much fun either.
But I digress. Did I mention that I am miserable? Did I have to?
Continue reading “Ragingly Grateful?”
Weight: 259.5 lbs.
I came home a little early from work today, as I feel somewhat weary and my stomach has been hurting. It is a gnawing feeling, perhaps like an ulcer may cause, and it may or may not be relieved some when I eat. In any event, I hoped that a nap and some pampering might help now that our out-of-town company has left and I can kick back … but it really didn’t. TGIF, as the weekend is probably the best remedy right now.
I did get a call from the Buffalo News today verifying that I was the author of the Letter to the Editor they received, and stating that they were going to publish it within the week. One small step for (wo)man….
Continue reading “Square Pegs”
Weight: 259.5 lbs.
Yippee, I am finally out of the ’60s! I think that all this stress has increased my metabolism like a ten-mile run – hey, I may be onto something! Ha ha.
Yesterday I posted super late, and today I am posting super early while Tom and Paulette are off munching on forbidden foods and I am off early from work. I did grab myself a tiny bit of deli-style turkey meat to eat while they are gone, and surprisingly had to urp it back up soon thereafter. This is not like me, so I kinda wonder why. We’ll have to see if it happens again on this same product another time and, if so, maybe it is just too tough or I’m not chewing it well enough or something. Strange!
Continue reading “The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword!”
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June 27th, 2010 | 
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