Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 183.7 lbs.

How is it that my vacation is nearly over already?! I had so many lofty ideas and plans for what I would accomplish in this week, and only got a miniscule amount of things accomplished. We did manage to have a few minutes of decent weather yesterday that allowed Tom and I to clean out the shed and put away the snowblower. And set up some chairs and such in the yard. This was probably our greatest feat this week. Otherwise, we did play some, ate out more than usual (including yesterday when we stopped at “Jim’s” after attempting to participate in a Cheektowage storage locker sale). And I think that may be about it, other than perhaps a little pricing of some garage sale stuff.

Here’s what I had hoped to do:

1)Catch up on reading, including some books I have bought and have been dying to dig into. For like years now.

2)Clean, organize, rearrange the house. Maybe I did a wee bit of this, but nothing to write home about. Besides, even if I had, it would need it again by now anyway.

3)Plan out and begin to tackle some of our many summer plans. Other than dabbling a tiny bit in the garage sale stuff, I hardly did any of this. We still have not gotten our heads fully around the May 28th memorial for Tom’s mother in which upwards of 50 people are coming over after mass. Nor have we yet ordered our airline tix for our August trip to Iowa. Etc, etc. I have begun the process of making lists and checking them twice, but haven’t DONE a darn thing on any of them.

4)Develop and think forward about a diet and exercise plan. Not. This may as well read: “Create world peace.” or “Solve global warming.”

5)Take more and better pics for the send off of this site, and begin to think of what I must yet say before I bid “adieu”. Instead, I have barely managed to find time or wherewithall to write my usual drivel.

6)Visit Kris at the psychiatric center. We opted not to even do this today and this will be probably the first major holiday that we have skipped. I did call and inquire as to how she is doing, but combined with the staff’s bleak response and the last visit in which she was mute and didn’t engage one iota with us, we have decided to leave her be. It is hard to know what is the best thing to do in a situation like this, as any benefit that our visits might have on her are no longer apparent, and we now even worry that they are contraindicated.

What we will do today is join my cousins Kenny, Karen and Jimmy for Easter dinner. We are bringing the “free” ham we got from the casino, and our friend Rose (not necessarily in that order!) It promises to be a good time with plenty of warm feelings and EATS. So what else is new!?

And then tomorrow, I head back to the dreaded work for what promises to be a marathon of catching up. I had so hoped to come back much more ready and refreshed than I fear I won’t be…but then again, how realistic is this?

But hey, at least I no longer believe that time off will change my life and the course of my mental and weight issues. Ha!! And I am stymied as to whether this is a good or a bad realization!

Weight: 183.9 lbs.

I wish the title referred to my weight and not the fact that I am soon to sign off for good here. Although, my weight did creep down a little despite the half sub I ate last night along with a few chips and some red licorice sticks and a few pieces of dark chocolate that Janet brought. I figure that I peed the excess off as I did manage to have mostly just protein shakes until the evening meal with friends. I may try this again today, as surprisingly I also feel less swollen and achey despite the fact that it is rainy and dreary out again (still?) today. Plus, I am obviously still higher than I want to be now or ever, or especially if I am hoping to end this blog on a high note (and a low(er) weight).

I have been thinking a lot about the imminent demise of this site, and have very mixed feelings. I strongly feel that it is time and I am ready, as I have little left to say or few new revelations. Frankly, I am also weary of the time and work that it entails. And of trying to be creative, fresh, interesting or upbeat. Not that I WAS any of these things, of course….but at least I was TRYING to be!

What has been most difficult is staying true to my mission to honestly report everything, even when it is repetitive drivel about gaining, struggling, fighting with myself, or moaning about the journey. I realize by reading my own entries that I can be a master of excuses, “lazy” and hedonistic, impulsive and addicted, and overly tuned into the dark side of myself and of life. I also clearly suffer from anxiety and OCD like symptoms, am prone to dysphoria, and can have maddening mood swings that even I can’t explain and maybe only partially are caused by my truly funky hormones. Sadly, I can see the contrast between me and those who successfully push themselves without excuses, and with those who embrace new lifestyles in ways that my skepticism and sabotage haven’t allowed.

The question is one of whether I have what it takes to be successful in the long haul, and whether I am just a late bloomer. On one hand I will be sad not to have this venue to report how things are coming along, but on the other, I am honestly relieved to be free of my own boring diatribe, especially if I continue to spin my wheels as I have been. In short, I am sick of even listening to myself!! And seeing my own failures in print.

I am hoping that new energy may come of new thoughts once free of what has become a rather mundane blogging process. Not to mention the extra hour or so that I will have each day.

Behind the scenes here are track and pingbacks to edit, messages that come in around the edges, photos to manage and other things that add to the job list of maintaining such a site. I do feel bad that I still get a lot of people connecting via twitter, and in fact, for some reason, got several more this last week alone. And a lot seem like newbies. In the past I would have signed into them as they have me, and embraced their connection. Unfortunately, now I am doing nothing except to quietly wonder about who they are and why the interest in this site.

So…it is with some sadness and mixed feelings that I am in the homestretch here. I hate to end on a busy week/work day, but I see that the 28th is a Thursday, so to be true to my plan to end on the exact anniversary of my surgery, I am sticking with this. Which leaves 5 more days until I say goodbye and am “on my own”. For the first time since I even thought about having surgery. And this can be a very sobering thought!! And part of me will miss you all more than you will ever know!!

Weight: 184.4 lbs.

Well, I am quite convinced now that any hopes that I may have had to end this blog by LOSING weight, have been dashed. In fact, I can now only hope to not gain even more. Perhaps this is a sign that I will be closing out in keeping with how I have been living the last several months…without great disclipline and on a slippery slope of possible regaining. I find that I am fighting with myself over everythng I eat and do, and that I am gaining easier than losing these days. I had every intention of staying away from carbs and moderating my intake yesterday, but found that even this was too hard for me to do as well as I had planned. Instead, I had popcorn in the evening, and a banana as a mid day snack. Not horrible, but certainly not devoid of carbs. Plus, I ate way more calories through the day than I had planned on, including those from a dinner of a cheese sandwich and frozen veggies. I also had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, and a 2 eggs with cheese breakfast. And Tom insisted that I try his veggie pasta with Prego sauce. And I mustn’t forget the red licorice stick I ate for good measure.

Not that I counted, but I am quite sure that I far exceeded both calorie wise and carb wise, what would be recommended for anyone, let alone a post bariatric surgery female who remains chunky.

And who had imagined doing “better” at least this one day so as to decarbify myself going into the holiday weekend.

And the fact that Debbie and Janet are due over tonight and we have a date with Subway. Ie: more carbs. Even if I order one of their “diet” subs.

Clearly I am just not on board with making good choices yet, even if it may jeopardize my chances to lose back to the 182 I had gotten down to.

Interestingly, one of the errands that Tom and I ran yesterday, was to the thrift store so I could try and find some sweat pants to bum around in. And to replace the ones of Tom’s that I stole from him.

I did manage to find several pairs of both sweats and everyday pants, and some were size Medium (mens) and a few were size 14 (womans). These are the smallest sizes I can remember having worn, and they fit quite well. So either they have been stretched out or represent larger sixes than they sound, or I am able to wear smaller sizes than one would think given my actual weight. Much of which is leftover flubber that hangs off of me and is in the form of excess skin. And can be tucked into the above clothes.

Such that I have the illusion of doing ok even when I really am spinning in the wind. And such that somehow I just don’t have enough motivation or incentive or will power or whatever to do anything radical for myself.

And such that I will no doubt be signing off here in about a week, weighing more than my lowest, and with as uncertain of a future weight wise as I have always had. With the only exception being that hereafter, only I will know my daily weight and whether I am a complete bariatric flunkee or not. And if it hasn’t been enough incentive for me to be telling the world about my struggles, I have to wonder just how I’ll fare when I am completely on my own.

Ack…!!

Weight: 184.4 lbs.

The old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be. God I am so weary from a day of supposed fun and frolic. Tom and I wrapped up our casino junket after cashing in on two free hams and about $50 of merchandise and food items, around 4:00. We ran into Tom’s sister and brother in law who were equally tired and according to Joan, achey and cold and swollen. Does gambling do this to us? It was starting to feel like it was either this or the overindulgences in buffet items, until I woke up this morning feeling even worse. Now I figure that its either another casino “hangover” or related to the perpetually rainy, damp, cold weather. So far this spring has been the bleakest I recall, and my bones feel perpetually chilled. I know that I need to be taking better care of them and of me and as I am not, they are left that much more to the elements. And I feel lousy all over as if I slept out in the rain last night.

And speaking of which, we may end up standing out in the rain for hours later today when we go stand in line for seats to see Temple Grandin tonight. I called the college about the set up yesterday, and found out that they do not allow you to save spots, and that they anticipate thousands showing up for a hall that only holds 500. They have added a live feed to an adjacent building to accomadate 500 more, but I really hope we get to see HER and not her image on a screen. So we have to leave hours in advance of even the doors opening, and it is still cruddy out and is expected to stay that way most of the day. Hopefully all this hassle will be worth it…. We’ll see if we made it in tomorrow, and whether any of my co-workers managed the same. As it looks like it will be each man for himself, so I also have to get back to them and tell them that they are on their own with this one.

After my morning oil change. In the car, that is, although perhaps if it were in me there would be hope that I would perk up some.

And this is supposed to be my freakin’ vacation! I sure hope it and I feel better tomorrow. We have a tentavive date with Tom’s friend Corky to go metal detecting, weather permitting, so at least I will be using my body for good things instead of running around a smoky casino and eating myself into a stupor.

Perhaps that’s when my vacation does begin. When I actually do something good and productive and healthy with myself and my time. What a revelation!!!

Weight: 184.0

We are leaving soon, so Tom and I are up early and eager to get on the road. We will be joined by Debbie and Rose who we are meeting for breakfast, and then will stand in line for our 3:00 pm show tix for Fallsview’s Michael Jackson tribute, “The Man In The Mirror”.  After this, we will eat 4 free buffets, then probably play a little before they head home and Tom and I stay over. Because we can! Because WE are both off on Monday, and everyday this week, for that matter. Woo Hoo!!!

We have many other plans for the week as well, from the mundane (oil changes etc.) to fun (metal detecting etc.) Also, on Wednesday night we are planning to hear Temple Grandin speak at the local college, and I am slated to try and save seats for several of my interested co-workers (Temple has autism, PhD’s, and speaks on how her unique abilities has helped her to revolutionize the animal husbandry industry). It should be an interesting week.

Also, it will be the second to the last week of this blog, as it is going “down” on my two year surgiversary of April 28th. When not gone like tomorrow, I hope to throw together some final and possibly meaningful posts before I run. Maybe I’ll even have something relevent and interesting to say…although I doubt it. Whatever the case, we will all know how my 2 years ended. Likely not too different than how it has gone all along…unfortunately. But, as you can see, I am living and loving life and can’t say that I am held back by my weight anymore, and I enjoy a myriad of activities that even includes eating. For good or bad.

And, for now at least, this is just what I intend to continue doing….except that I won’t be telling YOU for much longer. I’m sure you are crushed and won’t know what to do with yourself if you don’t know my every move.

Ha Ha!

Weight: 184.3 lbs.

I told Kay and Paul when they were over last night that if I gained (more) weight today, that I was going to publically blame THEM for it. After all, they compelled me to eat chicken wings for dinner, and their presence at Tom’s birthday celebration led me to then buy and eat cake for dessert. Clearly none of this was MY fault or doing! Darn them.

And now I am not sure if I am bloated from all the grease and salt, or if I have packed on true pounds from the calories and frankly, days of (over) indulgences. And my vacation is just beginning!

Tomorrow Tom and I head to the casino with friends for a concert, but also for several meals there since we are enjoying an overnight and everything. This means breakfast and dinner out with our friends there, and then at least breakfast the next day (Monday) as we have a room overnight on Sunday.  I am so doomed.

And somehow I can’t continue to blame the relatives for this…so I’ll have to find someone or something else to come up with.

Hmmmm….perhaps the sun got in my eyes or the dog ate my homework. It works for me.

Weight: 183.4 lbs.

So far I have made $181 on the garage sale and we haven’t even had it yet! The antique dealer came yesterday morning and bought a cruddy old pedal car for $40, then a bundle of small stuff for $20 more. No doubt some of it was worth possibly quite a bit more, but since I am no expert and have little time or wherewithall to market it, he was welcome to it. Plus, it probably would have sole for less at the garage sale. There are many small antiques and china items left, and he also helped me have a rough idea how to price these. Oh, and he bought a used pair of Tom’s jeanf for another $1 on the way out!

If the weather would ever stay even remotely warm for more than two straight minutes, I might be motivated to get out in the garage and start pricing and organizing things better. I want everything of ours all set up so it is ready for others to bring their things over. And if I am successful in borrowing Pete’s extra card tables, there should be room under shelter for more. Plus we will have the tent….

In other fussing news, Tom took my car back to the dealer yesterday as they had screwed up on the alignment or balancing or something and it had been pulling and shaking. When he finally returned with it, I ran right out and went to what felt like a gazillion stores to stock up on everything from food to “stuff”. I was so glad for the time to do it all I could cry, and wanted to be sure that I didn’t waste it. Today is back to the grind, and I have much to accomplish in these two weeks before my mini vacation, so I must stay focused and disciplined.

Unfortunately, this just doesn’t apply to my eating. The last two days have been a Mexican fest…first at El Palenque with my cousins on Sunday, and yesterday I picked up some burritos at Mighty Taco with the gift certificates slated to expire on 4/6. I had won them last year at a chinese auction, and would have hated to see “freebies” go to waste. On the other hand…Mighty Taco?! I did eat half of a “Mighty” on whole wheat (at least I did something a little right!), and Tom had the rest. But, this was WITH my El Palenque leftovers. Making for quite a gastronimcal affair!

Gladly, we have no real plans to (over)indulge this week, until Sunday that is, when we are scheduled to go to a chiavetta’s chicken bbq 45 minutes away, with out of town company. Dorothy is coming in and we plan to spend all day at a church bazaar in Collins, or somewhere. Fortunately I am only somewhat the entertainment director, as I really don’t want one more thing to organize and orchestrate. On the other hand, it should be fun and a nice break after the long work week. Although I will have to make a decision about the “homeade desserts” the church lady told me they are also having….

And just face it…food and temptation is everywhere and there is just no avoiding it. Especially with the lifestyle of hedonism and socialization that we are fortunate enough to live.

Maybe I should become a hermit….  Shut in?

Or a monk(ess?).

 Cloistered nun?

Oh hell…pass the desserts!