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Weight: 192.1 lbs.
Yuck - I am miserable today! As if I weren’t feeling badly enough, now I’ve gone and gotten my period, making me feel even more maudlin, achey, crampy and crabby. I need a chromosomal transplant or to slap my mother for having made me a girl!
Tom and I had thought we might head out metal detecting today while he is still off and so am I today - but between this and the rain, I think I will hunker down and cry instead. Or nap or vegetate or moan.
This does at least explain why I was so hungry yesterday, as well as had wierd dreams all night, including several with Callie in them. One that made me happy however, was when I was carrying her little fluffy body everywhere with me like a purse, and she was alive and happy and purring her way all over town.
God I still miss her so much it can feel unbearable at times.
But, I continue to try and block such thoughts as they serve no purpose. Except for when Barb called after seeing here yesterday that Callie had passed, and calling to offer her condolences. I allowed myself to talk about her and her final days some, but was overcome with emotion and do better not to.
Before this, our friend Debbie spent the afternoon with us, and we caught up, ate dinner together, and watched a cool, scary movie. I could handle this as we kept it pretty light.
Dinner consisted of 3 $6 meals from Wegman’s carry out, and we were all very pleasantly surprised at how much tasty food you get for this amount. I ordered the Jamaican Jerk chicken dinner with my sides as mixed roasted veggies, and mac and cheese. I know the latter was not a good choice, but it was super good, and I have tons of everything left for another meal. I also steamed some cauliflower that we added to the mix, and I like to think that this was a nice, inexpensive, hearty and healthy dinner - better than had we eaten out at a restaurant or I had attempted to cook for us at home. We were all glad to have discovered this deal, and probably will use it more often. There are tons of meats and sides to choose from, so we can mix and match each time and not get bored.
Today my appetite has decreased as it does at such a time, and I will probably be less inclined to be as thrilled about my food as I was yesterday. Or eat as much, I imagine. I need to lose back down to at least the almost 190 that I had been at, and hope to be more diligent about paying heed.
This will be the first full week since we lost Callie, and other than bleeding to death, I expect it to otherwise be normal at work and at home. We are not awash with summer plans, tragedy does not appear to be looming any longer, no one is due in from out of town that we are aware of, work should be typical. At least we hope!
I do have to make a solid plan to have my bloodwork done however, and this is trauma enough for weeks for me, given my phobia of needles. I plan to write on obesityhelp.com about what levels they have ordered, as my list seems suspiciously small compared to what I think I have heard that others get ordered for at the year and a half mark. All they have asked for is: CBC, CMP, Vit. DOH25, Iron,TIBC,Ferritin,B12,Folate,Lipid Panel, and Thiamine. I had to call and have them add an A1C.
I just wonder about any other vitamin and mineral levels that I have seen others writing about having tested. But, I’m not sure if I remember what these are, let alone am correct in this assumption. What I do know is that I am only going to go ONCE, so it better be thorough and complete the first time!
Weight: 192.4 lbs.
Yesterday Tom and I forced ourselves to live as normally as possible, and tried to enjoy the beautiful summer day, time with his visiting family, some shopping and dinner at Duffs.
We headed out early to some garage sales, and I must say that this did afford some degree of escape from the oppressive feeling of grief. Until we went to one with numerous cat items, and another with a puppy eager for attention. I managed, but it doesn’t take much to have such sadness creep in that it feels as if my heart will break.
Later, we got some household things done, and I fell asleep into a drooling puddle of emotional and physical exhaustion in front of the tv. When I awoke, we called my brother for some computer advice, to catch up, and to tell him about Callie. I am never sure if he even reads my posts here despite being the administrator, and discovered that he had not, and was unaware of her passing and even her failing health before this. I am getting good at telling people to “read what I wrote” as a way of informing and updating them on this, however so annoying this must be. But for me, it allows me to not have to rehash all the painful details.
After this, it was nearly time to meet Kay and Paul at the Duff’s restaurant where President Obama visited earlier this year. To kill time, we stopped at a thrift store next door, and I bought a pair of size 16 pants that fit nicely and I am pleased on two accounts. Although I have obviously not lost weight, these represent a new size down for me, and my marriage size.
I also bought a little cloisoinne kitty that makes me feel both sad and happy, and gave her a place of honor on our coffee table at home.
We then went on to have a very nice dinner and time with Kay and Paul, although admittedly a dinner of hot chicken wings and even some fries, is tatamount to chewing on fried gristle, downing two shakers of salt, and washing it all off with a pitcher of grease. But, this is a must choice for them when they visit from Florida, and as long as I don’t eat like this except for when they are up, I suppose that I will live. However, as can be seen, not surprisingly, I also gained. I do attribute this to the grease and salt and then gobs of fluids I had later to try and quench my ravenous thirst.
Afterwards, we went together to Sam’s Club, and stretched out enjoying their company and the evening, a little longer. Thank you Kay for humoring me with your Sam’s membership, even if you had just gone and didn’t buy a thing!
I must say that although I was a little apprehensive about my emotional and physical energy level going into the day, I guess that I fared well, and never became the blubbering mess I feared that I might. Even when we talked some of Callie’s passing at dinner, and they remembered her so kindly and fondly. I hope, as so many nice commenters have said, that sometime soon I too can simply feel good about the great times we had with Callie and the many ways that she enhanced our lives, devoid of such crushing grief and even guilt. I can feel it being a little easier already, and thank good friends and family for their part in helping me to restore some sense of normalcy, meaning and perspective to this process.
And on this note, I hope to continue on this same path today, and call it a wrap!
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
I’m not sure whether to vote prednisone or the little greenie pill pockets that taste like salmon, as the greatest invention. It is such a delight to see Callie eat her pill without seeming to even know that it is buried in the greenie, and then to respond as well as she already has to the steroid. She has been exhibiting less “tics”, purrs and wants to be petted more, actually groomed herself from head to toe yesterday, and seemed to have slept less restlessly/more deeply. She doesn’t seem nearly as miserable, and there are glimpses of our old Callie back. And all this after just 3 doses!
A friend has told me the story about how her dog with cancer was given pred., and lived out the final month of her life almost like her old self again, before dying peacefully at home. Even if this is the best we can hope for, it is a lot. It is such a relief to see her responding, and I hope to go on to my long work day and not look back/call home repeatedly to check on her, as I have been feeling compelled to do.
Last night we were taken to dinner by friends Joe and Cathy, and enjoyed their company and the diversion this provided. They now have 13 cats of their own, and are big volunteers with a local cat charity. We felt supported and understood by them, and this was very helpful. They also told us about a big fundraiser for animals this Saturday, and we have put it on our calendar in hopes of supporting the causes and enjoying their company once more.
I did eat way too much and very late as a result of our dinner out together, however, hence the apparent weight gain. I was famished by the time we got to Athena’s, and ordered both the cream of mushroom soup, and a full souvlaki dinner. I brought the majority of the dinner home, but still managed to eat a lot. As I had all hungry day. I may be feeling sympathy pains for Callie or something, but I seem to be starved lately. Perhaps the insidious nature of stress is effecting me, but I am constantly hungry and can’t seem to feel satisfied. This is not a good thing or a way to drop out of my 190’s, and I even fear creeping back up if I can’t get a grip.
Today I work a very long day, and likely won’t get home until around 8:00 pm as we have an evening staff meeting to boot. I plan to bring lots of food to work with me so I don’t get tempted to nibble “crap” while there. I usually supply some food items to the meeting for others too, and am not yet sure what I can safely bring that I can also eat without regret. I still have leftover cookies and junk in my office, and I am torn between putting these out so they get eaten and gone, yet risking that I too will nibble on them, or buying something healthier for all on the way in.
This has been the nature of my thought process lately, and truth be told, I usually don’t end up making the best choice.
And, I MUST learn to juggle anxiety and stress and real life with a healthy weight loss mentality, because I suspect like is true for anyone and everyone’s life, s*** happens and life is rarely smooth sailing for long.
Weight: 194.3 lbs.
I have managed to gain some real weight in these last few days of absolute hedonism, and now that it is time to hunker back down to reality, I have got to get more serious about my life. Today I am suffering from a bad case of eaters and gamblers remorse, and am coorespondingly fat and broke. We had a wonderful time of complete abandon while away, but the problem with living so largely, is that one must return to real life, work and sobering realities, soon after.
While in Allegany casino, we ate liberally and often, from both the buffet, and this lovely diner that makes huge and tasty dishes. I ate nearly a whole Cobb Salad there the first night, and an omelet with all the fixin’s, Monday morning. Then, I had chili and cheese and crackers and even some cookie in the lounge before we left, and then corn on the cob that we bought at a roadside stand, for dinner.
All told, I must have consumed a few pounds worth of excess calories while there, and this on top of the indulgent week that I had already been having. I am guessing that running around in a casino does not constitute the same amount of exercise that cottage week entailed, as this time, the weight is sticking and I clearly have not burned any off. Although we ate liberally and often while away at the cottage, I think I was in such constant motion there that it didn’t stick.
So, now I am faced with a weight and financial dilemna…and must focus on being better in both arenas. Callie is unfortunately not well (again), and Tom and I will likely need to seek further vet visits and tests for her…which no doubt will further tax our finances. Plus, my own bloodwork and an upcoming gynecological appointment promise to be expensive, as will be the brake work that Tom’s Mazda is scheduled for next week.
This is the time when I ask myself “what was I thinking?!”, and as usual, realize in hindsight how stupid I am. I hate to think how long it will likely take to lose back my weight and regain our money - and hope to remember the expectable hangover that comes when I’ve been baaaaddd.
And why exactly is it that I only seem to recall these things after the fact?!
I daresay that there’s a word for this…and I won’t say it if you don’t.
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
Oh Oh…my weight is crreping up a little and it might soon be time to take stock before I gain some real weight back. I have been doing a lot of eating lately, and these next few days promise to be no exception. Yesterday we went to not one, but two Lebanese Festivals, as it so happened that the one at my family’s church (in Lewiston) and the Maronite Lebanese Fest. in Cheektowaga, were scheduled for the same weekend this year. Unfortunately, the band that was to play at my cousin’s church, was “stolen” by the other fest, so once we ate and schmoozed at the Lewiston fest., we had to go to the other one if we hoped to hear authentic Arabic music.
But, this meant that we started the festivities all over again, including the eating part. I had a falafel sandwich at both, which allowed me to compare and contrast - and gain! Both were delicious, but the second one was a tad better, and we enjoyed it more as it was eaten while some hot Lebanese singer was crooning in the background. Rose got a kick out of the entertainment, which also included a free for all of dancers, and a guitarist that she thought was sexy. Personally, I liked the drummer!
And, the Arabic desserts! Which I had to try from both places, of course.
I may have laughed a few ounces off though when the last song we stayed for lasted over 30 consecutive minutes…beating American Pie’s record by a milestone. I had asked Rose if we could stay for one final song, and then she and I became hysterical when we realized that this was a world record setting song that never ended. Since it was sang in Arabic, we of course also had no idea what was being said, and no way to tell if or when it would ever end. We were sure that the drummers hands must be about to fall off, and the keyboardist looked as if he was going to pass out. Fortunately, the Turkish coffee I had drank allowed me to stay awake for the whole set, along with the invigorating rhythm of the Arabic drumming and the excitement of so many people dancing the dubque. On the other hand, both Rose and I had to pee and refused to use the outdoor toilets set up for this purpose. We had agreed that we would try to hold on til we got home…never expecting that this final song would last so long. This seemed so funny to us that we both nearly peed ourselves just laughing about it. Tom was clueless as to what we found so funny, especially as he is a guy and had no problem using the “facilities.”
And if I didn’t have to go so bad, I was almost whipped into a frenzy by the loud music and excitement that I too may have jumped into the fray. Perhaps if I had, I would have burnt off a falafel or two. And looked like the most ungraceful Arab of all.
And now today, we are awaiting Barb and Rick’s arrival as we are headed to Allegany casino with them, where we will stay until tomorrow. I doubt that I will be back in time to blog, and even if I am, will probably take the day off. Besides, I will probably have gained even more weight, and won’t be ready to face this until Tuesday…when I might have hope to resume a more “normal” lifestyle and eating habits that will allow my weight to at least get back down to pre-weekend/festival/casino poundage.
And I have got to stop having so much fun as it really is killing me! Maybe this week I’ll be grateful to get back to the work week and the regimentation that the “grind” affords. Clearly I have little ability to set limits on myself otherwise!
And to that I say one of the only arabic words I know because my father used to say it with such emphasisi that it stuck out. I think it means “damn your house!” or something. But it just sounds right for the occasion somehow.
“YUCHATEBETA!!” (With an emphasis on the Yuch….)
Weight: 191.3 lbs.
I may have inadvertently found the reason for my utter exhaustion lately. Other than stress and work and playing too hard, I mean.
Last night, Janet came over for an evening of “hanging” and we went to dinner and caught up. I had a bowl of split pea soup (my fave!) and half of a breast of chicken sandwich. And one french fry that I stole off of Tom’s plate.
Anyway, Janet had wanted to test her glucose meter against ours as she feared that hers might not be giving accurate readings, and she may be running a little high lately. It was almost like a party game the way that she and Tom tested using both meters with such gusto, and I was coaxed into letting myself be stuck in the interest of science. About two hours after a big dinner.
At first I was concerned for Janet’s number, which in fact did differ by about 14 points from meter to meter, making her already high a.m. numbers, even higher is she went by our meter’s outcome.
Then I was worried about Tom’s number, which was 147, and seemed high to me.
But then they stuck me, and I was 70! Which would have been 56 or so, on Janet’s meter. But either way, quite low, especially given the large dinner I had recently eaten. And which may explain the droooling mess I often become even after eating, including last night after bites of an indulgent dessert torte. During a movie and with company over. I literally passed out…although was awake enough to resist further finger sticks despite their insistence that we check again as it was likely that I had plummeted even lower.
I did test this morning (ouch!), and was a respectable 80 before breakfast. I think I may be dropping too low in response to carbs/sweets, and realize that the remedy for both high and low blood sugar is the same. A low carb/high protein diet. Duh - does this sound familiar?!
I am wondering though if a lot of the problems that I have been experiencing, especially lately as my diet has been more lax, do relate to low blood sugar. The tiredness is indescribable at times, but especially after meals at times. I feel powerless to stay awake, and my brain turns to mush. Even more than usual!
I do also wonder if my large appetitie, cravings, and even weight stalls are all tied in with the glycemic process…that hunger, eat carbs, more hunger, weight gain cycle that is driven by insulin resistance. That I have always had trouble with, given my pcos.
Nothing new, really, but startling all over again as to how low my sugar seems to be running. I will make more of an effort to test, especially when pooped, and see for myself if in fact this is the most likely factor for my tiredness. Along with the “real” bloodwork that I will be having soon. The script for this is due any time, and I do hope that they will ask for my A1C on it, as well.
Well, I’d better go eat a hearty, protein rich breakfast now and give myself the best hope for a productive day! Eggs, anyone?
Weight: 190.2 lbs.
I seem so close yet so far from the 180’s. It seems like years that I have been in the 190’s, and it would be nice to experience a new category of weight - especially as the 180’s are fraught with meaning for me (where I was my adult lowest at 182, my marriage weight of 188). On the other hand, I am still doing nothing extraordinary to achieve this or any other goal, and technically don’t deserve to even be losing at all. I am just going through the motions and biding my time until (or unless) I experience some sort of epiphany or revelation or something. I just don’t feel capable of more, emotionally or physically, at this time.
I do remain weary and lackluster…and although we have what should be a day of fun scheduled, frankly I would prefer to stay home and drool. In fact, we have to get on the road soon as we are due to Orchard Park at 9:00 for our annual metal detecting picnic. I could care less. There will be hunts and prizes and FOOD and company…and I’d rather stay home. It doesn’t help any that the weather forecast sucks, and it will likely be raining on us as we beep our way through hill and dale.
Last time I remember the enormous amount of pot luck goodies available for the taking, and am a little apprehensive that given my mood, I could be of inclination to skip the hunts and just sit in the shelter and nibble my way through the day. Certainly, at higher weights, this is often what I would do, as bending and stooping and digging to retreive buried coins was often beyond my physical endurance.
Then tomorrow, a friend (Marlene) is due over at 8:00 am and we are travelling together to the Rochester, NY area to Conesus Lake where we are joining Pete and his brother in their cottage rental. Once again, we must inflate our rafts and pack our suits, and if it doesn’t rain, this promises to be another fine lake experience. And, there will be FOOD. Although I haven’t joined in the Conesus festivities in some years now, I do recall past rental years, and there is always much company and barbequing and swimming and boating and eating. I hope to do less of the latter and more of the lake stuff, this time around. But, I guess this is all up to me and the choices I make at any given moment. Which I have been lax on lately.
Well, I guess this likely answers my question as to whether I’ll be seeing the 180’s soon or not.
Double sigh….
Weight: 190.5 lbs.
Unfortunately, I am not talking about my weight when I say that I have reached a new low. I think that I am referring to my current mood and morale.
Yesterday was a bone crunching, demoralizing, defeating and anxiety provoking day at work, and when I wasn’t up to my waist in doggie doo, I was getting chastised from first arrival, until 9:00 last night. Now I am not blaming anyone else except one staff memeber who was simply mean and rude and made little attempt to communicate effectively. The others (my colleagues, boss, bigger boss) who “corrected” me weren’t without cause, and I am properly humbled today for errors in my judgement that added to an already sticky work situation that really has nothing to fo with me.
But, regardless of how it played out and all that went poorly, I am very saddened and upset even today by it all, and in having to deal with this even through the evening yesterday, quite burnt out at every level. We are supposed to get together for a Lawn Fete with Rose today, and both tomorrow and Monday are long days out too. I am trying to think forward and get into weekend mode, but expect it will take time to wash the trauma off of myself. Having my period just magnifies everything.
It will be interesting to see if I eat more or less in response to this kind of stress, but for the moment, I feel mostly like crawling back into bed and sleeping for another year or two. This should allow for my weight to drop!
Yesterday, between traumatic phone calls and ongoing trickles from work, Tom and I did go out to dinner (which we rarely do anymore) and then briefly to the same Lawn Fete that we are due to go to today. I ate half of a chicken breast sandwich and some split pea soup, but was starving as I ate nothing but eggs for breakfast, and a banana for “lunch”. As part of the “trauma” at work, our coffee has been pulled and neither staff or consumers are allowed it in the counseling suite anymore. This will be especially hard for me, as I hydrate throughout the day on decaf and tea and rely on this in ready supply to function mentally and physically. I guess that I will have to plan my day out differently now, invest in a thermos and figure out (if) and how to manage this…assuming we can even have hot drinks at our desks at all.
So, I am not a happy camper today and off to a bumpy weekend start despite the nice plans we do have that ordinarily would cheer me.
Lets hope I can shake the work week off and get in the spirit…or, as is usually so, suck it up and march on regardless.
Sigh….
Weight: 192.1 lbs.
After working a long day and then taking numerous phone calls related to guests for our cottage week, Tom and I settled into mindless tv watching late last night. I landed on “Man V. Food” after hearing that the star was in town (Grand Island, NY) recently and filmed an episode at a local eatery that offers 42 oz. steaks, or something. I was hoping to catch that episode, but instead saw some of him eating first a 6 lb. omelet, and then one of him trying to eat a bucket of 50 chicken wings.
I was morbidly fascinated by how much he managed to pack away, and alternately how hungry yet nauseous watching him, made me feel. I can’t imagine that this guy hasn’t harderned every artery and organ already, and it amazes me that anyone can eat as much and as richly as he does, and not just die on the spot. On the other hand, I recall some major pork fests I indulged in without even for the benefit of getting on a wall of fame or winning a tee shirt or anything. And, without the noteriety and mega salary I am sure that he is making while clogging himself so publically.
If this wasn’t a sobering experience, I don’t know what is. Now when I see such massive indulgence, I think of how a small country(or eight bariatric patients) could be fed for weeks on the likes of what this one person consumed for show. Gak!
So, although I am no temple of nutritious, healthy and moderate eating myself, at least THAT beast has been tamed, and I can no longer eat endless quantities of food with abandon. In fact, Tom and I went out to dinner last night as I had some gift cards for Sean Patrick’s that were about to expire. I ordered chicken with spinach that came with soup and a potato. I did eat the whole cup of mushroom soup, a few bites of potato, and about a third of the chicken. But, then hit a wall, and was so stuffed I thought I would upchuck. I clearly could have stopped even sooner had I listened more carefully to my body. I was pleased to take the leftovers home, and know that in the past I would have consumed every bite plus a few baskets of bread for good measure.
My biggest problem is still related to the nibbling I do between meals or in the evenings. I do quite well typically with the meals themselves, but do tend to go overboard and make poor choices with snacking and restless eating not related to main meals. And its rarely related to true hunger even.
I am glad that I am learning to recognize my areas of weakness and vulnerability better, although admittedly don’t feel ready to make significant changes just yet.
But, it is a start, and at least I am no longer a contender for the (Wo)Man V. Food host position in the mean time!
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
Yesterday was a sparkingly clear and beautiful summer day, and a wonderful experience all around. After a morning of garage sales and some packing for our trip, we headed out to my supervisors house as planned. We took Rose with us, and she too enjoyed a fine time in nature, eating and socializing.
My favorite thing was after walking the trails to a huge pond, we walked along the edges of it, and saw hundreds of tadpoles, frogs of every size and color, a snapping turtle, and something that looked and swam rather like a little eel. I think Rose called it a loach…which is a creature I have never heard of before, but might just have nightmares about as it slithered so eelishly and was rather gross. But cool!
We also took in the beauty of MaryEllen’s hundred plus acres, petted and fed the horses, said “hi” to the goats, played with a feral barn cat who was super friendly, listened to her cocks crowing, and saw hummingbirds in her amazingly huge trumpet plant. And petted a bazillion dogs that either she or her friends and company owned and saw fit to bring for the occassion. There were so many breeds represented that I joked that this could be an AKC event instead.
Oh, and we ate. A lot, unfortunately. With probably a hundred guests and everyone bringing a dish to pass, there was every food item known to man there, and I felt compelled to taste at least a bite of most of it! From burgers and dogs to beans and potatoes to fruits and salads to unusual dishes to desserts. Including these darling cupcakes made up to look like little horses.
I know that I ate way too much and chose not to set limits on either what I chose, or how much I fit in. Fortunately my stomach set some limits for me, but not as well as it could have or I should have. But god, it was a real treat to eat in the great outdoors and try so many different dishes…. And my own fault that I am clearly paying for it, weight wise.
I was actually hoping that the metal detecting and walking that I did there might offset some of the calories, but clearly not enough to count. But, I did find some cool buried junk, including some pieces of crock (pottery) that her Native American neighbor said were likely very old.
But mostly, it was a day to detoxify from everyday life, and find the beauty in the world around us. I don’t think that I would want to live there, but it sure was a nice place to visit….
Called Chestnut Rose Adventures, Mary Ellen uses all this wonder to run a not for profit nature program on her property and her rescue horses are the stars.One emphasis is on buiding compassion and an appreciation for nature through guided nature walks and teaching. Also, this program is designed to build confidence and esteem in troubled or disenfranchised young people, and in this way, her property and spirit serves as a healing place not just for those of us who visit once a year for her 4th of July type party, but for hundreds of kids year round, who are similarily encouraged and refreshed by what is offered.
And all I can say today, is “ahhhhh….”
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August 23rd, 2010 | 
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