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Weight: 184.4 lbs.
Yesterday I hit the road running, and ran a million early errands, rearranged our bedroom furniture, wrote and sent letters…and then crashed and burned. I took a juicy afternoon nap until my hair was standing straight up, then welcomed a weary Tom back from his afternoon shift. As I had dragged him with me everywhere earlier and he helped in the bedroom, he too was exhausted, and opted to take a nap before dinner. He had just gone down for the count, when the phone rang. It was his sister and brother-in-law visiting from Florida, inviting us to join them at a local Chinese restaurant. And they were on their way NOW!
I quickly roused Tom, showered my crunchy hair, and ran. We ended up meeting them at a place called Gin Gin that despite living here forever, we had never been to before. It sometimes takes out of towners to find the best spots! They had wonderful food, albeit the service was sorely lacking. But, since this isn’t a restaurant review but a bariatric blog, I will stick to what I ate.
Too much. Salt and fat and sugar, no doubt. In the form of szechuan chicken something or other. I suppose that I could have ordered from the section called “diet” that said the dishes had no sugar or oil or other bad stuff…but sounded as bland as could be, As I feared that they might have no taste either, I was a baaad girl and ate my yummy, spicy dish instead. And we ended up being given Kay and Paul’s leftovers too…like pounds of food to last the rest of the week. That’s how big the portions were.
Oh, and the company was wonderful too! We hope to have them fit another visit with us in before they drive back on the weekend, especially as Friday is Tom’s birthday and we are hoping we can celebrate with family. They have a lot of other people to visit and things to do, so nothing is set in stone yet.
What I do know is that I work late every night this week as I have so many clients to see and much to do to pave the way for next weeks vacation. I am a little stressed at the thought of adding anything else in, but I am hoping that if by Friday night I am not burnt to a crisp, that this would be a great time for another visit. And no doubt, more wanton eating. Not as in wontons, like tonight, but as in unbridled, unfettered, undisciplined and without limits.
And did I mention stupid…?
Urp!
Weight: fat and bloated and I don’t want to know today!
Can I take a pass on my weight today? Between the chiavetta’s chicken bbq and the snacks I ate yesterday, and the toll of “that time”, I can’t bear to weigh myself this morning. This is likely a throw back from olden days when I would feel so demoralized by even the slightest gain, that it could even lead me to eat MORE in self reproach and disgust. Plus I’d figure that I had nothing to lose anyway as I was already off track and FAT, so what the hey. I don’t feel quite this bad about it now, but just the same, why make me feel any worse than I already do. On the other hand, I do need to stay honest and accountable…so I’ll weigh in tomorrow after I may have peed off some of the bloat.
And, for visuals, I am finally getting around to some shots I took a few days ago, so you can see for yourself. I did get my hair cut and my Sadaam Hussein eyebrows trimmed for the occassion, and do feel a little less shaggy than in my most recent shots with my cousins. See what you think. I still look fat and Lebanese, but what can you do?!
I never know until I post if the pics came out ok, and when I put the ones up the other day, one came out the size of a postage stamp, and I still don’t know why. I went back in and edited it repeatedly using the wierd formula for posting pics, but for some reason, it never came out any bigger even though it was taken with the same camera and the same as all the rest. Go figure. Let’s hope these turn out. I am frankly always more worried about the process of posting pics here than I am how I look these days. I guess that I am a lot of funky things, but vain isn’t one of them!
Which is a good darn thing if you ask me!
Weight: 183.0 lbs.
There was a pot luck at work yesterday and I forgot all about it until I was on my way in. I stopped at Tops in a panic, called the secretary to make sure that my purchase wouldn’t be a duplicate, and got 2 quarts of strawberries and diet cool whip. I was happy to bring such a nice, healthy dish. It sat nicely besides the homeade pies, cupcakes, cheesecake, ambrosia salad and assorted other goodies. And on the main table, there was lazy pierogies, roast beef, “funeral” potatoes, assorted salads, sloppy joes and other goodies.
I tried everything and had one strawberry. But at least I BOUGHT something healthy!
To compensate, and also because of the whirlwind that our evening ended up being, I didn’t eat dinner. I was full all day from lunch, but also too weary and disheartened to eat again. This is wierdly not like me, but represents how I am spiraling back into a state of stress and exhaustion, I fear.
And as to how this all played out and what my meltdown looked like, don’t ask!
And how I went from “spring in my step” to unravelling in just one day is even beyond me!
Weight: 183.4 lbs.
So far I have made $181 on the garage sale and we haven’t even had it yet! The antique dealer came yesterday morning and bought a cruddy old pedal car for $40, then a bundle of small stuff for $20 more. No doubt some of it was worth possibly quite a bit more, but since I am no expert and have little time or wherewithall to market it, he was welcome to it. Plus, it probably would have sole for less at the garage sale. There are many small antiques and china items left, and he also helped me have a rough idea how to price these. Oh, and he bought a used pair of Tom’s jeanf for another $1 on the way out!
If the weather would ever stay even remotely warm for more than two straight minutes, I might be motivated to get out in the garage and start pricing and organizing things better. I want everything of ours all set up so it is ready for others to bring their things over. And if I am successful in borrowing Pete’s extra card tables, there should be room under shelter for more. Plus we will have the tent….
In other fussing news, Tom took my car back to the dealer yesterday as they had screwed up on the alignment or balancing or something and it had been pulling and shaking. When he finally returned with it, I ran right out and went to what felt like a gazillion stores to stock up on everything from food to “stuff”. I was so glad for the time to do it all I could cry, and wanted to be sure that I didn’t waste it. Today is back to the grind, and I have much to accomplish in these two weeks before my mini vacation, so I must stay focused and disciplined.
Unfortunately, this just doesn’t apply to my eating. The last two days have been a Mexican fest…first at El Palenque with my cousins on Sunday, and yesterday I picked up some burritos at Mighty Taco with the gift certificates slated to expire on 4/6. I had won them last year at a chinese auction, and would have hated to see “freebies” go to waste. On the other hand…Mighty Taco?! I did eat half of a “Mighty” on whole wheat (at least I did something a little right!), and Tom had the rest. But, this was WITH my El Palenque leftovers. Making for quite a gastronimcal affair!
Gladly, we have no real plans to (over)indulge this week, until Sunday that is, when we are scheduled to go to a chiavetta’s chicken bbq 45 minutes away, with out of town company. Dorothy is coming in and we plan to spend all day at a church bazaar in Collins, or somewhere. Fortunately I am only somewhat the entertainment director, as I really don’t want one more thing to organize and orchestrate. On the other hand, it should be fun and a nice break after the long work week. Although I will have to make a decision about the “homeade desserts” the church lady told me they are also having….
And just face it…food and temptation is everywhere and there is just no avoiding it. Especially with the lifestyle of hedonism and socialization that we are fortunate enough to live.
Maybe I should become a hermit…. Shut in?
Or a monk(ess?).
Cloistered nun?
Oh hell…pass the desserts!
Weight: 183.5 lbs.
In an attempt to relax and wash myself of my evil brain’s doings, Tom and I thought that going to the casino would be just what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately, somehow it felt as stressful as everything else right now, and I ended up approaching it like work or a chore to be accomplished. We went very early because it gets too crowded and smoky late on a Saturday. We were out of there by 2:00 by mutual agreement, as even at that time it started to get unpleasant. In the four or so hours in between, I tackled the machines like they needed to be crossed off my list. Fortunately, most cooperated, and I was up a significant amount before our lunch buffet. I split the proceeds with Tom, worked off lunch, and between us we lost back down to even. Which for us, is still like registering a win. We also racked up enough points on our cards for many future freebies, and have kept a lot of our current points to treat the girls who are coming back with us here in two weekends, when we are oming for a show. Tom and I will be doing an overnight then, as it is also his birthday, and we both have the week following off. Halleliujiah!!!! Maybe then I will feel the relaxation I am so desperately trying way too hard to create!
As to the buffet, neither Tom or I even looked at the desserts, and skipped that station all together. I was semi “good” and stuck mostly to protein foods, and found that I got full quickly. Once again, I am simply glad to have not gained much the next day. I’ve given up on any loftier weight loss or fitness goals at this time as clearly I have bigger fish to fry. Or at least I feel that I do, and I can’t be bothered with focusing too hard on anything else right now.
Today, my cousin Kenny and his wife Ann are coming over at 2:00 and we are going to a local Mexican restaurant for a late lunch. If you think I am going to skip or count how many tortilla chips I eat, you’re wrong! This may be anarchy from a post bariatric person and especially one who is still fat, but I find my checks and balances other ways right now, and I am ok with this. Besides, when I cut my own head off in a fit of stress induced hysteria some day soon, I’ll lose many pounds of useless weight real quickly!!
Weight: 183.4 lbs.
I had such a long and frustrating day at work yesterday that I only got a few moments to grab a handful of nuts and then chow down an apple. I had back to back clients as well as a few ad hoc meetings with my supervisor and our psychologist. I got so hungry by the end of the long day that I called Tom before I left and asked if he’s like to go to dinner. We rarely if ever eat out without company anymore, so he was happy and jumped at the opportunity.
And I wanted to go to the new Chinese buffet that was opened around the corner. Old habits die hard!
I weighed myself when I got home, fully clothed, and weighed exactly 185.0. I fugure that if my clothes weighed 2 lbs. and I could have slept off maybe 2 more, I might have registered into a new low weight and loss today. But noooo…. I ate my fill of oriental goodies, then drank a few gallons of fluid from all the sodium into the evening. But, I guess that I am fortunate that I didn’t do more damage, and that I can still maintain despite such hedonism at times. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing for me to know!
The other lesson that I learned is to not kiss the medium haired cat when my lips are sticky. During shedding season.
What a sight, and I am still brushing off my upper lip…! Ha Ha!!
Weight: 183.6 lbs.
I am teetering on the edge of insanity. Or so it feels. My head is so full of so much at home and at work, it has been keeping me up at night and stressing me in the day. I think that I have “signed” up for too many spring and summer events and projects, and I will need to be on my best game to pull them all off. I rather wish that they all came now, as at least I could mobilize today and get going. Instead, they are spread out and I can now only fuss and worry and lay groundwork, rather than do, and this is killing my mind.
I am referring to things like our big May garage sale, the cat clubs June garage sale, Tom’s mother’s memorial for which over 40 people are due back to our house for brunch afterwards, Pete’s annual show that a lot of friends want to come to this year and said they’d get back to me about, Tom’s sisters visit from Florida for a week in less than 2 weeks, our summer cottage rental, and later, trip to Iowa. Each activity takes organizing and planning for, including things like borrowing and setting up a large tent that a friend has offered us for the garage sale and memorial, keeping an accurate head count for all the activities, and doing tons of spring cleaning and prep work to make sure the place, and we, and our possessions (in the case of the sales) are ready. Plus on Monday I am having an antique dealer over to peruse our stuff, and need to dig more things out between now and then. And if he does buy a lot of it, this will leave more space in the garage for me to find ordinary things to sell on May 14th. So far, a half dozen friends are joining in, and I expect to hear back from more as well. If you are around, stop by as there will be lots of crap for the asking!!! And I need it all gone so there will be room in the garage for PEOPLE on the 27th (memorial day)!!!
But, the moral of the story is that between persistent job stress and all my home fussing, I am not handling everything as well as I’d like. I wish that I was one of those cool, collected people who could juggle a million responsibilities without anyone even knowing because I had such an outward calm about me. But, I am not. Truth be told, I become an anxious, fretting mess, and although I can accomplish a lot and usually keep everything striaght, engendering compliments from everyone about how organized I am and how well I pulled whatever off, my perfectionism tends to kill me on the inside, AND I can become ornery. Which is really a way of saying that although I am good at multi-tasking, I prefer to not be hit up with it and I do better with less on my plate.
It will be interesting to see how issues of eating and diet play out, especially as I get into even fuller swing. I am probably doomed unless I learn new ways quickly, of dealing with stress. And, so far, so bad!
My only hope is that March madness will somehow evolve into April sanity. I guess we’ll know tomorrow. And that May meltdown isn’t what follows!
Weight: 183.8 lbs.
What a day yesterday! I got stuck at work until nearly 7:30 dealing with an incident involving one of my clients. The worst part about it is that it unfolded after 5:00, which both stranded me there, and left me without anyone to help me think it through or guide me as to how to note and/or report it. Even the people who we are told to call under such circumstances were unavailable, and never returned my calls. Now today I can only hope that worse things did not come of what occured when I finally decided to leave, and that I did the right things. There will be much more to do to follow up, and I am so weary I dread all of it. Plus I had to eat dinner (leftover chicken) so late that it sat in my gut at night, AND I had to bunch up my vitamins even though you are supposed to leave at least two hours between the calcium ones and the iron. I just didn’t have a full two hours unless I stayed up on purpose just to take my pills right.
Then, Tom managed to keep me up most of the night by being restless himself. Several times he got up to do this or that, with the worst example being a 3:00 am decision to check on Spice in the next room, as he thought he heard her scratching or something. When he opened her door, she ran out and under our bed, and then he spent time trying to get her back out, while I was stewing in the background from lack of sleep and the trauma he seemed to unnecessarily be causing her (and me!) I convinced him to feed her her breakfast in an attempt to entice her out through psychology, and this finally worked. But by then, I was wide awake and had a stomach and a headache, and was too keyed up to sleep. Of course I did finally fall back asleep probably around 4:30, dreamt that I was abandoned by a carload of friends while in Toronto and had to try and walk home all uphill, and then was awoken 15 minutes later by Tom’s alarm. Which he proceeded to hit the snooze button on, prompting me to say that I was going to smack him if he did it one more time. I feel as if I got several MOMENTS of sleep all broken up between Tom’s antics, and today am running on fumes. With major crap to contend with at work.
And do feel as if I truly walked uphill all night and still never reached my destination.
Sigh…
Weight: 184.2 lbs.
It sucks to have my weekly weight comparison be on a Tuesday. Especially when I often blow it out on Mondays, as I did yesterday. Tom and I ate a pre-cooked chicken from Tops, and it was so salty I chased it with several glasses of crystal light. Without even waiting the requisite amount of time to drink. I was so thirsty I couldn’t stand it! Which tells you how salty the food was. I am therefore hoping that at least a few ounces of my weight gain is fluid…but still my own damn fault for eating stupidly, once again. And, truth be told, there is probably NO good day to weight me anymore.
On that happy note, I am off to a long day of work, with an interesting errand to run on my way in. It has to do with the weekend of sorting through Kris’ papers and photos and such. Mixed in with them all were tons of personal papers, including hand typed “manuscripts” from a mystery woman, whose name was on everything. She made liberal mention of her son and other personal things, and I know that if it were me, I would be heart broken to have “lost” so many things.
It reminds me all over again how mad I was at Kris’ facility for packing up her stuff so poorly. How another resident’s things got all mixed in is even beyond me, however. Anyway, the stuff sat, unsorted, in Pete’s attic until this weekend. But now that I have gone through it all, I have both e mailed Kris’ sister in Japan (who we had lost touch with years earlier) and contacted the head of the facility where Kris was, to see about reuniting people or their families with such mementos.
The facility manager said that he has been there for over a dozen years, so would remember Kris who moved out in 2004. “Anna” too. Although he couldn’t really tell me anything due to hipaa, he did acknowledge that “Anna” has a local son (who I read about) and that he could locate him and see if he’d like her things. It is unclear whether “Anna” herself is still alive or not. But the manager was intrigued, helpful and nice, and clearly sentimental enough himself that he was grateful (and apologetic!) that we held onto the items and that I would drop them off this morning.
I hope that that it turns out well….
But, either way, I couldn’t just discard someone’s personal things, and I feel better for knowing that I tried.
Now if only I could be as dedicated to my own affairs!!
Weight: 183.9 lbs.
Eek..I am hovering near 184 lbs.! I have held onto the weight I gained from my low, and have little current hope to get back down. Although I don’t care so much about these few lbs., I have a sickening feeling that this may be the tip of the iceberg or what I will continue to face, if I don’t get my thinking in line with my eating. I continue to make excuses for poor choices, and eat pretty much whatever I want. At yesterday’s fund raiser I tried several different foods, including their homeade desserts. Why I didn’t also go into “shock” is beyond me, and proves how one day I can get away with eating loads of carbs and sugar and be fine, and another I can sniff something “white” and become a drooling mess.
Anyway, I feel yucky this morning likely due to how badly I ate, and am very grateful for the day off. I still have more laundry to do and calls to make and fussing, but not the whirlwind of activity that the weekend was. Its pretty bad when you have to wait for a WEEKDAY for a break! Ha Ha!
After today the week will gear up, especially at work, for me. I need to be sure to clear my head in time. Whatever that means.
And, as I am approaching the last month of blogging here, I must make time to post photos and the like so that I end with a bang.
Betcha can’t wait…. Ha Ha again. And now my short term goal is that when I do take shots of myself next month, they are the lowest weight me that I can be, and not the one who seems to be going back up in weight an ounce or two at a time. Because a pictuere of a 300 lb. (or even 200 lb!) me on April 28th would not only really suck, but nullify all that I have hoped to achieve both in my life, and in those who read here!!!
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April 12th, 2011 | 
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