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Weight: 192.0 lbs.
Yikes! I got up later than I should have this morning, and now have little time to blog. I have a long day scheduled at work, as it is “end of the month” Friday when all the stats and what-not are due.
Unfortunately, this will put a crimp in my garage saling! But alas, one must make money to have for such things down the line.
I woke up feeling sad and upset and off balance this morning, as I dreamt worrisome and upsetting things about Callie right up until I woke. There is no worse feeling than that of seeing someone you love suffer, and needing you, and feeling impotent to help or heal. This is the kind of stuff I dreamt.
I am actually glad to get out of the house and off to somewhere where maybe what I do does matter, and focus on things I am good at. I think that this will be especially therapeutic for me today.
Last night Janet was over until late, and we enjoyed a nice dinner and some tv and talk together. This was nice, but I think talk of Callie may have stirred the pot for me, and I went to bed a little bluer than I have been. Janet almost “made me” go get ice cream with her as she was craving it and hungry, but fortunately she relented, as we all know that I likely wouldn’t have had the will to say no to a nice dish or cone at this point in things. I am still way weaker willed than I wish to be, although find that by simply keeping “bad” foods out of reach, this minimizes the damage some. I am just not good enough at resisting things that are within my vicinity or awareness, and need to not have them at home or work or anywhere in my community!
I do hope to bump up my inner resolve so that ultimately this is less of a problem as it used to be.
But, for now, keeping busy with things like work and fruitful endeavors, is where I am at.
And given this, I’d better run!
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
After work yesterday, Tom and I ran several errands, including a trip to the grocery store where we bought our pre-cooked dinners of roasted chicken.
Before I settled in to eat, I dressed for an evening in, and weighed myself. I was 191.5 before dinner. I felt that this might be shooting distance to get back near 190, where I then could focus on getting lower than ever and into my 180’s finally.
I ate some of the chicken and some spring mix cooked veggies that come in a bag. I drank several glasses of no-calorie “kool-aid” later, and went to bed pretty early because I have a long day today.
And weigh 192.3 this morning.
I was thinking that I might be on my way back down, given that I thought that I did well diet wise, and ate only moderately. Before dinner, I had my usual egg/cheese breakfast, and desk cashews and 2 cheese sticks and a pear for snacks at work.
Why did I go up? I seriously get confused about such things at times, as I seem to go up when I think I should go down, and vice versa. Almost as if there is no rhyme or reason…or I am very sensitive to sodium and fluid. But if so, wouldn’t a few good pees get me back down? Or maybe they are.
I know that I must be diligent and can’t hang my hat in any direction on just one days worth of weigh-ins, but I do admit that it is puzzling and it would help if I understood what worked best so I could aim better in that direction.
Although I am sure that many of you are screaming the answer to this right now…something about sticking to it, exercise, moderation and low carb. you say. Hmmm….
What a novel concept!!!
Weight: 192.8 lbs.
Soon, Janet and Debbie and Pete are due over for a brunch that I partly make, and Debbie partly brings. We are having eggs and sausage and ham and home fries and bagels and spreads. It all would sound better if I weren’t still gaining and fat and struggling and HUNGRY all the time. And very bad at resisting temptation still.
Afterwards Tom and I are joining up with friends Kathy and Joe, and metal detecting together on my supervisor’s old farm. Hopefully this will burn a few calories off, especially as it is promising to be very warm today, and we will likely sweat buckets as detecting (digging) can be hard work.
On the other hand, I do know that this is not enough to constitute exercise or get me back on track. I am entertaining the idea of doing the pouch test again, after my dreaded bloodwork tomorrow or perhaps starting on Tuesday. If I can muster the will and the stamina and the chutpah to challenge myself in such a way.
But, I do know that something must be done…reworded, I MUST DO SOMETHING. Soon. Now? Sometime. Tomorrow?!
Some day on a Sunday.
Sigh.
Weight: 192.6 lbs.
I weighed myself before bed last night, and weighed one ounce LESS than what I do this morning! How is this possible?
We never did go to the Compeer picnic last night, sparing me the free for all with hot dogs, hamburgers, endless desserts and the like. Although this was a good thing (although this is not why we didn’t go!), we lazied around at home instead, and I ate about 20 shrimp with cocktail sauce for dinner. This was all - but I wonder if the sodium in the shrimp did me in? Or, the glass of wine I had a few hours later. Or the snack foods (chex mix, which I do know is a no no for carb sensitive me!) we had while out detecting earlier in the day.
It turns out that I didn’t (need to) go to work after all, so Tom and I made the whole day up as we went along, including the evening as this turned out to be free too when his Compeer friend decided to bag on him/us at the last minute. So, we headed to the park to detect, got in a little exerciwe and sunshine, found a few coins, and ate salty, carby snacks.
I clearly have not learned or at least am not practicing good control or bariatric sense. I also clearly am not losing at all, and am at risk of regaining. I more clearly have still not embraced the crisp sense of mission and purpose that those like Debra (who used to comment here but probably ultimately ran screaming in the other direction out of futility over trying to deal with the likes of me!). I continue to live as if the concept of cause and effect did not exist, and in a way that is more about what I desire in the short term, than what I need to do for the rest of my life and my health. I clearly either don’t get this, or keep succumbing to underlying forces, beliefs and temptations that serve to sabotage and undermine. And justify.
So while I am posting about things like Callie’s passing, our hobbies, my job and other aspects of everyday life, however true and meaningful, I am not posting about or putting emphasis on my “failures” as a bariatric patient. I am quietly going nowhere, resigned to this to some degree, and silently at greater risk for complete failure than I probably know or care to admit.
And truly, I am still not even sure what to say or do about this despite all the best information at my disposal, a somewhat intelligent brain, support here and at obesityhelp.com, and opportunity like everyone else.
Instead, I continue epitomizing the concept of “insanity” as “doing the same things over and over again yet expecting different results.”
And it is excrutiatingly obvious that this remains where I am stuck and why I still weigh so much over my goal and eat crap at times and don’t really have a plan or live consistently by solemn standards.
Excrutiatingly obvious, yet as unclear and murky and confusing as can be.
Weight: 192.4 lbs.
I seem to be stuck at a new higher weight, and can’t even get back down to where I was at my lowest. Although admittedly I am not trying that hard where I was say that I am a bariatric wonder or anything. But, I am trying to eat sensibly, cut back where I can, and limit carbs. Yesterday I also ensured that I had more frequent snacks at work, including a cheese stick, a protein bar, and later a pear from our friends pear tree. I don’t think that my blood sugar dropped as low as it had the day before, although it is hard to tell at times when I am perpetually tired and stressed anyway.
I remain a little mopey, but am plugging away at finding things I enjoy to distract and entertain me. I am hoping for news soon about the possiblility of metal detecting some old farm land, and think if allowed, this could be just what the doctor ordered. It would allow us a nice, natural day outdoors with the prospect of buried treasure and the thrill of the hunt.
I AM glad today to have wrapped up some loose ends about my imminent blood draw, as I talked to the nurse at my center yesterday, and after some to do, was permitted to get another script that included the 6 extra values I was told should be included. I admitted that I only heard of these values from “research” and my bariatric “buddies”, and initially she was skeptical and a little rude, I thought. But, in all fairness, she said that she’d ask the doctor about adding them although they usually don’t test for such things, and got back to me to leave a message that a new script was waiting for me at the front desk. Tom went and picked it up for me, and it had all 6 things on it. These are vitamin A, K, E, zinc, selenium and TSH. She said that the magnesium level that I wanted checked, is already included in the standard panel.
Also, Tom scoped out a new Quest site for me, when the one I usually use was rude to him and said that the two phlebotomists I usually trust no longer worked there, and they could otherwise make no special concessions for me. He found another site where they were nice and accomodating, less busy, and said that they were great with “difficult draws”. Please leep your fingers crossed on this one! Monday at 8:30 am is the dreaded time for me, and I am so worried that they will fail, as this has happened many times before, and all I come home with is several punctures, a tear stained face, a valium low, and the misery of knowing I must do it all over again another day. I really don’t think I could handle it if this happened on Monday. I plan to drink mucho fluid, use hot compresses as Barb suggested, time the two valium I have just so, and exercise every anti-phobic strategy I have learned to the best of my ability. And pray!!
And for once, I can’t wait until Tuesday….
Weight: 192.1 lbs.
Yuck - I am miserable today! As if I weren’t feeling badly enough, now I’ve gone and gotten my period, making me feel even more maudlin, achey, crampy and crabby. I need a chromosomal transplant or to slap my mother for having made me a girl!
Tom and I had thought we might head out metal detecting today while he is still off and so am I today - but between this and the rain, I think I will hunker down and cry instead. Or nap or vegetate or moan.
This does at least explain why I was so hungry yesterday, as well as had wierd dreams all night, including several with Callie in them. One that made me happy however, was when I was carrying her little fluffy body everywhere with me like a purse, and she was alive and happy and purring her way all over town.
God I still miss her so much it can feel unbearable at times.
But, I continue to try and block such thoughts as they serve no purpose. Except for when Barb called after seeing here yesterday that Callie had passed, and calling to offer her condolences. I allowed myself to talk about her and her final days some, but was overcome with emotion and do better not to.
Before this, our friend Debbie spent the afternoon with us, and we caught up, ate dinner together, and watched a cool, scary movie. I could handle this as we kept it pretty light.
Dinner consisted of 3 $6 meals from Wegman’s carry out, and we were all very pleasantly surprised at how much tasty food you get for this amount. I ordered the Jamaican Jerk chicken dinner with my sides as mixed roasted veggies, and mac and cheese. I know the latter was not a good choice, but it was super good, and I have tons of everything left for another meal. I also steamed some cauliflower that we added to the mix, and I like to think that this was a nice, inexpensive, hearty and healthy dinner - better than had we eaten out at a restaurant or I had attempted to cook for us at home. We were all glad to have discovered this deal, and probably will use it more often. There are tons of meats and sides to choose from, so we can mix and match each time and not get bored.
Today my appetite has decreased as it does at such a time, and I will probably be less inclined to be as thrilled about my food as I was yesterday. Or eat as much, I imagine. I need to lose back down to at least the almost 190 that I had been at, and hope to be more diligent about paying heed.
This will be the first full week since we lost Callie, and other than bleeding to death, I expect it to otherwise be normal at work and at home. We are not awash with summer plans, tragedy does not appear to be looming any longer, no one is due in from out of town that we are aware of, work should be typical. At least we hope!
I do have to make a solid plan to have my bloodwork done however, and this is trauma enough for weeks for me, given my phobia of needles. I plan to write on obesityhelp.com about what levels they have ordered, as my list seems suspiciously small compared to what I think I have heard that others get ordered for at the year and a half mark. All they have asked for is: CBC, CMP, Vit. DOH25, Iron,TIBC,Ferritin,B12,Folate,Lipid Panel, and Thiamine. I had to call and have them add an A1C.
I just wonder about any other vitamin and mineral levels that I have seen others writing about having tested. But, I’m not sure if I remember what these are, let alone am correct in this assumption. What I do know is that I am only going to go ONCE, so it better be thorough and complete the first time!
Weight: 192.4 lbs.
Yesterday Tom and I forced ourselves to live as normally as possible, and tried to enjoy the beautiful summer day, time with his visiting family, some shopping and dinner at Duffs.
We headed out early to some garage sales, and I must say that this did afford some degree of escape from the oppressive feeling of grief. Until we went to one with numerous cat items, and another with a puppy eager for attention. I managed, but it doesn’t take much to have such sadness creep in that it feels as if my heart will break.
Later, we got some household things done, and I fell asleep into a drooling puddle of emotional and physical exhaustion in front of the tv. When I awoke, we called my brother for some computer advice, to catch up, and to tell him about Callie. I am never sure if he even reads my posts here despite being the administrator, and discovered that he had not, and was unaware of her passing and even her failing health before this. I am getting good at telling people to “read what I wrote” as a way of informing and updating them on this, however so annoying this must be. But for me, it allows me to not have to rehash all the painful details.
After this, it was nearly time to meet Kay and Paul at the Duff’s restaurant where President Obama visited earlier this year. To kill time, we stopped at a thrift store next door, and I bought a pair of size 16 pants that fit nicely and I am pleased on two accounts. Although I have obviously not lost weight, these represent a new size down for me, and my marriage size.
I also bought a little cloisoinne kitty that makes me feel both sad and happy, and gave her a place of honor on our coffee table at home.
We then went on to have a very nice dinner and time with Kay and Paul, although admittedly a dinner of hot chicken wings and even some fries, is tatamount to chewing on fried gristle, downing two shakers of salt, and washing it all off with a pitcher of grease. But, this is a must choice for them when they visit from Florida, and as long as I don’t eat like this except for when they are up, I suppose that I will live. However, as can be seen, not surprisingly, I also gained. I do attribute this to the grease and salt and then gobs of fluids I had later to try and quench my ravenous thirst.
Afterwards, we went together to Sam’s Club, and stretched out enjoying their company and the evening, a little longer. Thank you Kay for humoring me with your Sam’s membership, even if you had just gone and didn’t buy a thing!
I must say that although I was a little apprehensive about my emotional and physical energy level going into the day, I guess that I fared well, and never became the blubbering mess I feared that I might. Even when we talked some of Callie’s passing at dinner, and they remembered her so kindly and fondly. I hope, as so many nice commenters have said, that sometime soon I too can simply feel good about the great times we had with Callie and the many ways that she enhanced our lives, devoid of such crushing grief and even guilt. I can feel it being a little easier already, and thank good friends and family for their part in helping me to restore some sense of normalcy, meaning and perspective to this process.
And on this note, I hope to continue on this same path today, and call it a wrap!
Weight: 192.3 lbs.
I’m not sure whether to vote prednisone or the little greenie pill pockets that taste like salmon, as the greatest invention. It is such a delight to see Callie eat her pill without seeming to even know that it is buried in the greenie, and then to respond as well as she already has to the steroid. She has been exhibiting less “tics”, purrs and wants to be petted more, actually groomed herself from head to toe yesterday, and seemed to have slept less restlessly/more deeply. She doesn’t seem nearly as miserable, and there are glimpses of our old Callie back. And all this after just 3 doses!
A friend has told me the story about how her dog with cancer was given pred., and lived out the final month of her life almost like her old self again, before dying peacefully at home. Even if this is the best we can hope for, it is a lot. It is such a relief to see her responding, and I hope to go on to my long work day and not look back/call home repeatedly to check on her, as I have been feeling compelled to do.
Last night we were taken to dinner by friends Joe and Cathy, and enjoyed their company and the diversion this provided. They now have 13 cats of their own, and are big volunteers with a local cat charity. We felt supported and understood by them, and this was very helpful. They also told us about a big fundraiser for animals this Saturday, and we have put it on our calendar in hopes of supporting the causes and enjoying their company once more.
I did eat way too much and very late as a result of our dinner out together, however, hence the apparent weight gain. I was famished by the time we got to Athena’s, and ordered both the cream of mushroom soup, and a full souvlaki dinner. I brought the majority of the dinner home, but still managed to eat a lot. As I had all hungry day. I may be feeling sympathy pains for Callie or something, but I seem to be starved lately. Perhaps the insidious nature of stress is effecting me, but I am constantly hungry and can’t seem to feel satisfied. This is not a good thing or a way to drop out of my 190’s, and I even fear creeping back up if I can’t get a grip.
Today I work a very long day, and likely won’t get home until around 8:00 pm as we have an evening staff meeting to boot. I plan to bring lots of food to work with me so I don’t get tempted to nibble “crap” while there. I usually supply some food items to the meeting for others too, and am not yet sure what I can safely bring that I can also eat without regret. I still have leftover cookies and junk in my office, and I am torn between putting these out so they get eaten and gone, yet risking that I too will nibble on them, or buying something healthier for all on the way in.
This has been the nature of my thought process lately, and truth be told, I usually don’t end up making the best choice.
And, I MUST learn to juggle anxiety and stress and real life with a healthy weight loss mentality, because I suspect like is true for anyone and everyone’s life, s*** happens and life is rarely smooth sailing for long.
Weight: 191.1 lbs.
Well, I seem to have lost much of what I had gained before taking a break from reality recently, so I guess that despite worry induced eating, I can’t be doing THAT bad. Yesterday I had to make up a veggie platter for a birthday party we are going to today, and had purchased like $25 of veggies for the occassion. I ended up making two huge platters containing broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, mushrooms, celery, peppers, cucumbers and dips. Whatever didn’t fit in the trays, I kept for us. We ended up with a huge bowl of cucumber, tomato, and onion vinigriatte, another huge bowl of assorted veggies for dipping and munching, and cauliflower for steaming. Needless to say, I ate my fair share of veggies yesterday, along with morning eggs, and dinner chicken. I guess you could say that this was one of my healthier days. And today, we will surely be eating more veggies while at the party, along with whatever other goodies Corky and Phyllis have. Plus, I have breakfast plans with my friend Zoe, beforehand. Her dog is not doing well, and I expect that we will spend much of our time comiserating about the sadness of having a sick pet.
Yesterday Tom and I did end up doing ok with our free time, and spent some of it gadding about town, including visits to old friend Nancee and her children, and Pete, Erin and Mike and their children. We actually hadn’t figured on seeing any of them, but both of their streets happened to be having block sales, and it was opportune to drop by.
Fortunately Callie is not sick to the degree that we worry about leaving her (yet?), and frankly it is good for our sanity to have distractions away from home. Otherwise Tom and I find ourselves staring sadly at her, panicking when we can’t find her, comparing notes constantly about every little move she makes and defining it as either pathetic, or “maybe she’s better.” She continues to shake her head, lick her lips, shake all of her paws and even drool quite constantly. Her eyes are squinty all the time, and she just looks sickly all around. However, she also seems to still enjoy both food and looking at the world through our front door. Although she doesn’t seem to derive much pleasure in being petted or snuggling with us anymore (except for continuing to sleep with us at night), it is hard to say that the quality of her life is compromised to the degree that she may need to be put down. certainly not yet, and not before we even know more about what she has and whether it is treatable or not. But, Pete did speak to this when we were discussing her condition yesterday, and naturally, it is in the back of our minds. Something I can’t even wrap my head around at this time, and certainly hope not to have to.
So, to remain sane and distracted, we are glad to have a busy day today, and to even end our day with our metal detecting meeting amongst friends, and a president of the club and his wife who are consumate cat lovers, having 11 of their own. Tomorrow night we are also doing dinner with them, and welcome the chance to talk “cat”, including the opportunity to see if they have ever heard of such symptoms as those that Callie displays.
Also tonight, we must take up all of the dry cat food that is left for both kitties to nibble on at will. This will be hard on both of them, we expect, but especially poor, perpetually hungry Callie. On the other hand, her early morning exam and bloodwork is contingent on having fasted. But I dread every bit of this, including how difficult and sad it always is to haul her off to the vet in the first place.
I think that I won’t blog until AFTER the 7:40 a.m. vet appointment AND my 10:30 am gynecology appt. Two massive YUCKS - but events that will give me something to talk about here, I suppose. I am hoping to see too how the gynecologist reacts to how much weight I have lost since last visit, and whether she will order additional bloodwork (ie: hormone levels) for me to supplement all the orders I already am sitting on from the bariatric doctor. I have waited so that I can combine these into one phobic appointemt - because we all know that I can barely stand to go once and certainly can’t be expected to do this two times in a row! I mean, how distasteful can things be at the moment, really!? Blecch to everything lurking around the corner at this time…so let’s not make it any worse than that which I already have on my plate, thank you!
And I only hope that the gods or goddesses of fate, health, sanity and mortality are all listening right now!
Weight: 192.2 lbs.
Of course what I wish for is that Callie recovers fully and has nothing wrong with her whatsoever.
What we are likely to hear today is that she has some significant condition that may ot may not be treatable…or, that the bloodwork showed nothing definitive at all. I am not sure which I would prefer, because clearly she is quite ill, has something wrong with her, and needs help. On the other hand, I think it would be grand if she was negative for the obvious conditions that blood work results might indicate.
She seems to be losing weight so fast despite her onging ravenous appetiite. If she allows us to pet her at all anymore, she feels all bony. Something has got to be speeding up her metabolism, pressing on her appetitie center, using up all of the food she eats, or interfering with her ability to absorb nutrients or calories.
This promises to be a stressful day at work that will be made more difficult as I await a call from Tom after he hears from the vet. I’m not sure if I’d rather know earlier or later in the day, and do worry that particularily bad news will render me incapable of concentrating and getting things done at Aspire.
Sorry that I’ve got nothing bariatric to say today…but in the scheme of things, what I eat or weigh just pales in comparison to this. Suffice to say that as my stress level rises, so typically does my bad eating habits. And an exercise routine is non existant at this time. I won’t even make promises to myself or say stupid and redundent things here about getting back on track later. All I know is that for now, I am focused on the moment and doing what I can to just keep it together.
And for now, that takes a lot!
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September 3rd, 2010 | 
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