|
|
Weight: 192.2 lbs.
I remain down and am trying to think of creative ways to feel better…alcohol and food aside. I did have a long phone conversation with my friend Rose last night, and I daresay that this helped some on two accounts. We did talk cat, and in sharing her own stories of grief and guilt, and attempting to give her support and comfort, I too somehow ended up feeling a little better. She had a situation where she feels guilty for having done too much when her cat had cancer, and now feels badly that she put her through so much and had to euthanize her anyway just a few weeks later due to both the trauma of the surgery and treatments, and the disease itself. In the scheme of things, although we may not have opted to do everything to heal Callie, at least we did not put her through possibly useless and invasive treatments, and cause even more suffering. I think the moral is that there is really no good or right or wrong options, and each one probably brings its own regret and questions and guilt in the face of such a ravaging illness.
In addition to having such talks like this with myself, I am trying hard to focus on other aspects of balance. The other good thing that came from talking with Rose, is that she wants to join Tom and I metal detecting in the park on Saturday, and now we have bumped this up to picnic status, and it is giving me a little something to look forward to. Something decently healthy, natural and good for the soul, that is.
Also, tomorrow night is the Compeer picnic, and Sunday we have friends due over for brunch. I think I need to keep such a recreational/social pace, and look forward to cheering myself up in such ways.
I do feel as if I am fighting underlying forces that want to bring me down, and this worries me some as historically I am prone to depression. I hope that with such efforts and conscious vigilance, I can head off a crash. I may need to be even more creative if this weekends events and the end of my period don’t do the trick, however.
The other thing I am starting to worry about and that is creating some havoc for my mood and functioning, is my blood sugar levels. I left work in a fog a little early yesterday because I was so “fuzzy” I couldn’t think and finish off. I drove home in a blur, feeling messed up and shaky, and was stupid to not recognize what was going on sooner. But, when I came in the house, terribly irritable and immediately intent on doing more computer research on bloodwork (to formulate my strategy to talk with the bariatric nurse today), I could hardly even see, let alone think. I was shaking badly, and felt nauseous and weak. I called Tom in to test my blood, as it dawned on me that this could explain everything. And it was “57″.
And, I had eaten just a few hours earlier at my desk - in fact, frantically as I was famished and could hardly shovel food in my mouth fast enough as I felt hypoglycemic even then. I had handfuls of nuts and raisins (gorp), thinking this was the perfect pick me up.
But instead I think it almost killed me! Now I am not sure what is the best quick desk snack for when I get this way, plus I need to be more mindful of my symptoms, as driving with levels so low could be very dangerous. And I do feel as if I run low a lot - more often than not, in fact. I plan to discuss this with my center on my upcoming visit, but am seeing that it can be a relatively common and persistant problem for post gastric bypassers. And, can worsen in time and wreak havoc. And that although there may be strategies (like limiting carbs even more) to help, many people find that nothing works 100%, and they must learn to compensate and deal.
I’m not happy at this prospect, especially as I already feel rather overwhelmed and “gruncy” about everything.
I think I have my work cut out for me…but do hope that more work isn’t assigned before I get this stuff “right”!
Weight: 191.3 lbs.
I may have inadvertently found the reason for my utter exhaustion lately. Other than stress and work and playing too hard, I mean.
Last night, Janet came over for an evening of “hanging” and we went to dinner and caught up. I had a bowl of split pea soup (my fave!) and half of a breast of chicken sandwich. And one french fry that I stole off of Tom’s plate.
Anyway, Janet had wanted to test her glucose meter against ours as she feared that hers might not be giving accurate readings, and she may be running a little high lately. It was almost like a party game the way that she and Tom tested using both meters with such gusto, and I was coaxed into letting myself be stuck in the interest of science. About two hours after a big dinner.
At first I was concerned for Janet’s number, which in fact did differ by about 14 points from meter to meter, making her already high a.m. numbers, even higher is she went by our meter’s outcome.
Then I was worried about Tom’s number, which was 147, and seemed high to me.
But then they stuck me, and I was 70! Which would have been 56 or so, on Janet’s meter. But either way, quite low, especially given the large dinner I had recently eaten. And which may explain the droooling mess I often become even after eating, including last night after bites of an indulgent dessert torte. During a movie and with company over. I literally passed out…although was awake enough to resist further finger sticks despite their insistence that we check again as it was likely that I had plummeted even lower.
I did test this morning (ouch!), and was a respectable 80 before breakfast. I think I may be dropping too low in response to carbs/sweets, and realize that the remedy for both high and low blood sugar is the same. A low carb/high protein diet. Duh - does this sound familiar?!
I am wondering though if a lot of the problems that I have been experiencing, especially lately as my diet has been more lax, do relate to low blood sugar. The tiredness is indescribable at times, but especially after meals at times. I feel powerless to stay awake, and my brain turns to mush. Even more than usual!
I do also wonder if my large appetitie, cravings, and even weight stalls are all tied in with the glycemic process…that hunger, eat carbs, more hunger, weight gain cycle that is driven by insulin resistance. That I have always had trouble with, given my pcos.
Nothing new, really, but startling all over again as to how low my sugar seems to be running. I will make more of an effort to test, especially when pooped, and see for myself if in fact this is the most likely factor for my tiredness. Along with the “real” bloodwork that I will be having soon. The script for this is due any time, and I do hope that they will ask for my A1C on it, as well.
Well, I’d better go eat a hearty, protein rich breakfast now and give myself the best hope for a productive day! Eggs, anyone?
Weight: 212.9 lbs.
Well, rather than going back down at least part of what I went up, I seem to have gone up some more! I am stymied about this, and if it keeps up, even my averages will be washed up. I thought that I got back on track, so this is discouraging - but I’ve got too much else to focus on and worry about right now to spend too much time or energy on such a matter.
Yesterday was a long day at work, culminating in a meeting with Kevin, my boss, who finally shared the reason behind piling me with so much extra work. I won’t reveal it here as he has asked that we not say until he has informed everyone, but suffice to say that it is adding to my overall sense of anxiety and stress. In fact, I left work weary and shook up, and trudged to my car in the far, back parking lot. I started shaking violently from the cold, and by the time I got in, I could hardly drive I was shaking so much. I shook all the way home and wondered if my coat was inadequate, my car heater was inefficient, or if my fat is melting away and leaving me vulnerable to such cold. I nearly crashed into an idiot driver a block from my house, and came home freezing, yawning so hard my body shook, and as tired as could be.
Immediately, I asked Tom to check my blood sugar due to yesterday’s high number, and because I’m not entirely stupid and wondered if it might actually be low this time due to how wierd I felt.
It was 61. And I HAD eaten a late afternoon snack some hours earlier.
It took me a long time to eat enough to feel human and stop shaking - now I realized from low sugar rather than the cold. Or, since this is Buffalo, perhaps in addition to the cold.
Then, after I ate, I promptly fell into a drooling sleep in front of the tv. Only after snacking some more later (on peanuts), did I actually feel human, and it was almost like suddenly I became infused with heat as this warming sensation overtook me and I could actually feel it sweeping upwards through my body and providing me relief from the chills. By the time I went to bed, I had renewed energy and could actually have gotten things done or something, if it weren’t bedtime instead.
So, now I wonder if my blood glucose levels are either swinging all over, or if the lip thing was just an invalid read and I usually run low, as I have been suspecting for some time. And, I can’t help but wonder if this has anything to do with the wierd fluctuations in my weight. Does this make any sense, or am I grasping for straws?
It does perhaps explain my chronic hunger, and my carb issues. I had a banana at work in the mid afternoon, and I wonder if this started it all. It is hard for me to eat in any semblence of a normal way at work, as I don’t get a dedicated lunch hour, and when I have back to back clients as I did yesterday (and will again today), this only leaves a moment here or there to stuff something quick into my face. Bananas tend to be my work staple for this reason, and I also have a stash of Atkins and granola type bars in my drawer. When I get a little more time, I may munch on drawer nuts instead. At times, I bring a low fat cheese stick or two, but since I don’t have refrgeration, I have to time these right so they don’t rot instead.
Anyway, today is gearing up to be similarily frustrating and stressful, and as I have to be in even earlier, I may not even have time to work out first. So, I’d best go now to see if there are some moments left to at least try to fit this in, although a break today doesn’t sound so bad either!
Weight: 234 lbs.
I am so full from dinner right now that I’m not sure whether to go hurl, or to finish this post first. Unfortunately, I had to start back on Prilosec yesterday, as I noticed the burning, hurty sensation and nausea that I had before that seemed indicative of a possible ulcer. I hate to take Prilosec, as each time that I have had to go back on it, although I feel better in all the above ways, it tends to deaden my ability to sense things like satiety, and I more easily can eat too much and not notice how full I am as readily. Without it, my “pouch” kicks up much sooner, and whether it is an ulcer or fullness, I am given a clearer signal that “ouch”, it’s time to stop eating.
Continue reading “Full and Full of Crap”
Weight: 238 lbs.
Ack — I hate when I gain weight the day my weekly weight posts! However, considering what I have eaten lately, I can’t blame the scale!
Well, I am off to another productive, energetic morning, bordering on mania. Again I got up early for no real reason and begin a million projects before the light of day. I must say that I took special pleasure in programming the $5 TV/VCR purchased at this weekend’s garage sales, and found it one of the most intuitive systems to use (which is good, since it didn’t come with a manual!). Normally I can’t even remember how (or why!) to use a VCR, given these days of DVRs, but I am recording tomorrow morning’s episode of Good Morning America for work, as the heads-up is that an all-developmentally-disabled band called “Flame,” also from NY, and who rivals the Aspire band I recently saw, are guests. I am always so inspired when individuals with disabilities triumph and excel in such talented ways, and look forward to watching them!
Continue reading “Mania Can Be Fun!”
Weight: 238 lbs.
My head feels full of fuzz, electricity, and murderous rage. There is way more in it of every kind (including racing thoughts, at times), except hair.
This is a pleasant intro to today’s entry, isn’t it?!
I am quite miserable and exhausted, and just awoke after several tries on Tom’s part to get me up sooner. I got out of work a little early and could think of nothing more suitable to do than to collapse in a fetal position in bed. What sleep I did get, however, just like at night, was restless, anxious, and fitful, and now I feel zombie like as I am trying to recoup some evening before going to bed for real in just a little while.
Continue reading “Everything But Hair”
Weight: 239 lbs. (!!)
I would be much more excited about the fact that not only did I lose weight rather than gain, but I’ve finally entered my “30s”, if only I weren’t so mad right now.
I have had a long and difficult day and only recently got home from work, scarfed down dinner, and set about trying to get in this post before getting to bed so I can probably do it all over again tomorrow. Then, I go to “call up” my site from the computer’s history, only to find that my beloved husband randomly decided to eliminate cookies in my absence, erasing all the computer’s history that I relay on for ready access to this and many other sites that I frequent daily.
Continue reading “Cookies of Every Kind”
Weight: 240 lbs. (!)
Today I arose happy that it was Saturday, and happier still that I had finally lost some weight. I was unhappy, however, that it was raining on my garage sale day!
Nonetheless, I figured that a few sprinkles never hurt anyone, and Tom and I were out the door a little later than usual but ready for whatever hearty souls might be set up on such a crummy day. The good news was that those who were had few customers and were eager to bargain. The bad news was, we spent a lot of time driving to nonexistent sales and following signs to nowhere.
Continue reading “I Thought I Was Gonna Die!”
Weight: 242 lbs.
Despite the fact that I barely ate yesterday, I remain at a dead stall weight-wise. I realize that I also must not have gotten in either enough protein or water, and basically didn’t feel well enough either emotionally or physically to care about any of it.
Fortunately, today is a new day and, despite a throbbing and lingering headache, I am mostly feeling and doing better. Tom and I talked out our “issues” last night and readily moved on. I had wierd, funky, stress-related dreams all night that lingered as if real, all day, and could barely peel myself out of bed in the morning, but otherwise I am moving on in a better way.
Continue reading “I’m Off to See the Surgeon”
Weight: 242.5 lbs.
Today was a Groundhog Day repeat of a recent Saturday, maybe even last, in which I was stupid enough to get so hungry and thirsty while marathon garage-sale-ing, that I then overate and drank at a pizza buffet soon after.
Once again, I had mistakenly believed that the 24-ounce decaf I brought along would sustain me for what turned out to be five hours of schlubbing through town and buying people’s castoffs. Unfortunately, the coffee lasted only about three hours, leaving me dehydrated and starving yet too dumb and determined to fit in more sales to stop anywhere for a drink or a bite. Plus, Tom and I were on a great roll, and I hated to break the momentum.
Continue reading “Déjà Vu All Over Again”
|
|
August 26th, 2010 | 
Categories: 
Recent Comments