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Weight: 203.5 lbs.
God I feel bloated and porky today! I feel sorry for the poor folks who are scheduled to see me for counseling today. If I were them, I’d run for cover. YOU may want to do the same!
Tom is lucky that I work long hours and won’t be home til late. I, on the other hand, am beat, and wish for the weekend in the worst way. My appetite is screwy too, and I go from famished to stuffed in minutes, and feel uncomfortable both ways. The cramps don’t help any either. Or the headache, backache and general misery that I feel in every pore of my body.
Sigh. The joys of womanhood!
I have also gone up a little in weight, but am trying not to get too messed up about this and see this as a trend again, but rather as a reflection on everything I just said. I hope!
Although yesterday I didn’t eat so hot again, including eggs and cheese for breakfast, a cheese stick and some desk cashews for “lunch” through the work day, and 8 baby weenies with mustard for dinner. You know, those dinky little weiners (cocktail, I believe) that have 170 calories for 8, and 8 grams of protein. I also had a little pea soup with them, and because I was short on protein (I think), I “forced” myself to eat a few tablespoons of that hot peanut butter, to try and get a little more protein in. I probably just should have had a shake or something, instead.
Not the best diet in the world, but I am still making a conscious effort to stay away from true carbs., including fruit and any breads, even whole wheat. I am now frankly afraid of reintroducing these, as I don’t want to jeopardize my strides or the fact that I continue to mostly lose, and my hovering problem seems better. I am so afraid of going back to such dismal weigh-ins, as I now have learned and remembered how good it feels to actually see and even expect the scale to go down. Which I certainly hope to see it do again sometime soon!
Gee, what a concept!
Weight: 203.1 lbs.
…makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
But not a woman, apparently! I seem to be going to bed earlier and earlier every day, and now am pretty much on Tom’s bus driving schedule. I don’t really want to be, I just find myself exhausted emotionally and physically by about 9:00 every night, and then, because I guess that I’ve slept enough hours already, I pop up at about 5:00 every morning. This is usually a little after Tom’s alarm, but well before I otherwise need to be up for my job.
The good news, is that I then can blog, work out, do breakfast and ready myself for work, more leisurely. Except that I did the same thing on both days of the weekend, and had no reson or need to. But, I suppose it gets me started on the right foot, and I seem to be most efficient in the early morning hours. I believe that I am nearing that time of the month (wink, wink), when my sleep patterns also tend to get even more messed up, as do my emotions, back, tummy and perspective. If this blog starts deteriorating into tearful, sentimental babble, at least you’ll have a heads up.
As to my weight, I am glad to have registered another loss, and this reminds me once again that things are still able to work as they should if I continue my part of things. I stuck with “the program” yesterday, although I do admit that I reintroduced peanuts into my diet, as I had been missing my daily nut time, and just had to have some. I noticed that I felt full on them much quicker than before, and was satisfied with far fewer than I used to nibble. In addition to nuts, I ate tuna, a cheese stick, my eggy breakfast, and a strawberry shake made of protein powder and crystal light. I also had a few teaspoons of this wierd, natural peanut butter, that is made with cayenne and other hot spices, so as to have earned it the title of fiery butter. For some reason, I had a hankering for this, and every once in a while just love to eat a little with a spoon. Maybe this wasn’t the smartest choice on a day that I already had nuts, but I did have just a wee bit, and it satisfied me all night.
So, today is back to the grind and I feel sorely unprepared emotionally…but am at least off to an early start.
And although I may have the “healthy” part in better control, I am still waiting for the wealthy and wise part, though!
Weight: 210.4 lbs.
I am so happy that it is the weekend that I could puke!
Yesterday I left for work at 7:15 am and got home after 5:00. And ate only a small handful of desk cashews in the time in between. I had actually brought a tuna sandwich and an apple with me, but forgot all about having them and due to the crazy pace of my day, left them sit on my desk, neglected and rotting, before I discovered them again after 5:00. Interestingly, although I was aware of feeling weak and messed up during the mid afternoon, I don’t recall feeling typical hunger. I did comment to my supervisor who I was working side by side with much of the afternoon, that I had “better take a minute to eat something” and offered her some nuts too (which skinny her, declined). I had just minutes to stuff them in my face while writing notes, before resuming the ever growing and overwhelming amount of census type work that has been asked of me.
While enroute home however, I did tear in to the sandwich, eating a good half while driving. This is very unusual for me as I hate when people do such things, and plus it was somewhat slippery out and I was trying to be extra cautious. Just the same, I knew that I had better eat, and couldn’t wait to get home for dinner.
Then, when I got home, I spewed about my day to poor Tom which held up any thoughts of dinner for both of us. When we did finally get to it, we grabbed what was easy - some chicken cutlets and some frozen peas. Whoopie! I had 2 cutlets listed at 140 calotries each (yes, they were breaded!), a slice of high fiber whole wheat bread, and a serving of peas.
No comment of the balance or health of choices lately. Calorie wise, I’ve got to be running in the decent range.
I am looking forward to a clean slate next week, and hope to find time on Sunday to plan out my pouch test strategy. Today is a wash as we are heading out early (4:00) with friends for Bingo, dinner, and slots, and up til then, we have many errands etc. to run. I feel some degree of pressure to keep the pace, and as I need some “head” time and time to wade thru things like the weeks mail, our taxes that still need mailing out, and other everyday crap, I am rather looking forward to post brunch time tomorrow so I can think straight. Does anyone else get confused and fuzzy headed in the face of physical and emotional clutter, and just need a good day or so to reset the balance? Between my many tasks at work and at home, I am feeling way confused, disorganized, stressed and attention deficit disorder like. I really don’t know how anyone manages daily life in this century, work AND kids. Thank god I only have cats…mostly for their sakes!
So, tending to ME and my dietary needs is nearly more than I can process at the moment - but hope to be ready and “armed” by Monday. I’d like to say that this is all second nature, and perhaps it should be by now, but clearly it is not, and it still requires forethought and planning on my part. Any advice or ideas to support this are welcome here!
Weight: 211.1 lbs.
It is 5:30 in the morning, and , I am stressed and completely fed up with my weight. And now I am looking forward to shaking things up with the five day pouch test next week. Drastic times do call for drastic measures, and I am sick of hovering, or worse yet, gaining on cheese and chicken!
I got home at around 7:30 last night, famished and weak from an exhausting and long work day, and the fact that I had only a diet yogurt, cheese stick and banana through the 10 or so hours that I worked. I nibbled on these things here and there as the day wore on, but still grew so weary before the day was over that I yawned throughout our evening staff meeting. For breakfast, I simply had 2 diet cheese slices on a slice of high protein, whole wheat bread.
So, by dinner, I was overly hungry and spent. I devoured the remainder of the night befores broiled chicken (despite my recognition of its likely sodium content), some peanuts, and a few grapes. Unfortuntely, I was still eating at 8:30 pm due to my late start, and had to go to bed at around 9:30 because I have to be off so early today. It did snow, but not as badly as they predicted last night, but is still doing so now, and as I am squeamish about winter driving, I am off very soon, with no time to work out or chill first. I have a million things to do at work today, and it seems lately that the more I do, the more behind I fall. I am feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed, and am sad that my superisor and friend, Kevin, is leaving us soon. I can finally say this out loud as he has now officially informed all of us, and we discussed it further at the meeting yesterday. As he is quite irreplaceable on many levels, this is a huge loss, and very anxiety provoking for all, but perhaps especially me as I have been asked to pick up a lot of his slack, and I have always relied on him more than others due to my middle management type responsibilities.
Given all this, I have been feeling anxious enough to have developed some troubles sleeping lately, and this isn’t helping either my mood, or my metabolism, I bet. I suspect that I will feel better when I find my way with all the changes, but for now, I am rather a mess.
On this happy note, I’d better “run” so I can crawl to work in one piece, and pull off one more day of overload, before I hunker down for a mercifully relaxing weekend. I am looking forward to a play date with Barb and Rick on Saturday night, and a brunch here on Sunday, for friends Debbie, Janet and Pete.
Before I head back for another stressful work week, AND the resumption of phase one of post bariatric surgery eating to get my stomach and mind on track again. It should be interesting as to how I handle this while dealing with high stress and anxiety, and whether it helps me feel and do better, afterwards. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that right now it is another thing to feel slightly apprehensive about, although also somewhat excited for the renewed hope it may afford me.
Kind of a parallel process to how I feel about my job, I guess. Stressed and anxious, yet excited about new challenges and my ability to rise to new occassions.
I just pray for the fortitude and strength to do both justice….
Weight: 210.4 lbs.
I didn’t sleep well last night, probably as I am anxious about today for a lot of reasons. I have a very long day scheduled at work, full of clients and culminating in a 5:00 pm staff meeting. If the weather doesn’t trash half of it. A big winter storm is due and for those who live in the northeast, you are already getting it and know what I mean. Anyway, I HATE driving in it ever since last years car accident and the fact that I now drive a non 4 wheel drive car and one that I find horrible in the snow, despite having even put snow tires on. I won’t get out til probably 7:00 pm., and that’s when the storm should really be dumping on us.
Plus, tomorrow morning I have to be in extra early, and it is supposed to snow lots more overnight and into the morning commute. Does anyone live somewhere tropical or even in the South or West, and have a spare room for me?!
In addition to my work and weather related angst, I am chagrined again about my weight. I had moderate meals yesterday, including broiled chicken for dinner along with peas and an orange. On this morning’s radio news, I heard that chicken is injected with a salt solution that raises the sodium content very high, and that most consumers are unaware of this and are having their health jeopardized by it such that the government is pushing for label disclosure. So, now I am wondering, if despite my better intent and efforts to eat well, if once again, I may as well have nibbled on a salt lick for dinner. No wonder I was SO thirsty all night!
Debra has suggested I try the 5 day pouch test, and I am thinking of doing this starting Monday. Weekends are harder as we play and eat with friends and such a lot, and especially this one, as we have plans to entertain here on Sunday morning for a brunch, and we are eating out with other friends on Saturday night.
So, let’s see if I have the fortitude to do the pouch thing, and hopefully address my flagging metabolism or whatever else has led to sluggish weight loss. Plus, and perhaps more importantly, doing this may help me restart better habits and remember the point of all this, I hope. And if I don’t end up imbedded in a tree or buried in a snowbank before Monday even comes!
Weight: 210 lbs.
I so bad.
I ate too much and poorly at the casino yesterday. I arrived there shaky and starving, after having stupidly deprived myself of much for lunch in anticipation of a buffet feast. I simply had a little pea soup for lunch at home, which left me in sad shape for dinner. I shook my way through the first several food items, including shrimp, two hushpuppies (!), some pepper steak, and some chili. I followed this up with 2 small pieces of sugar free cake, and some ice cream that I’m sure was not dietetic. I’ll probably get shaky again later at this rate, and don’t need anyone else to tell me about my poor choices. And why does this always have to be on a Monday, just before my week’s weight tally?! Unbfortunately, as can be seen by my gain, this now negates what may have registered as a decent loss for the week. Fortunately, we won’t be lured to the casino next Monday, as our freebies have trickled off to near nothing. Today we won only $41 combined with the points they gave us, so even at the higher level of February, it has hardly been worth it.
So, I didn’t dodge the eating out bullet, but we didn’t fare too horribly on our taxes, We are getting a little back from the State, but owe nearly the equivalent amount on Federal. Between this and the $95 we paid to have them filed, we basically have come out nearly even. A juicy return would have been nice, but we usually aren’t so “lucky” this way.
In final and fun news, I had received a coupon for $20 off any clothing purchase of $20 or more at Catherine’s plus sizes, and had just this week to redeem it. So I dragged Tom with me after the casino, and was thrilled to find three shirts that qualified, and was told that I could buy all three and redeem the coupon on the total. Since they were all on clearance, the total for all was only $24, thereby costing me exactly $4.17 for 3 nice, new shirts listed at like $25 each full price!. I was also pleased that at sizes 18/20, they are a little too big, but prettily so, and entirely fashionable. One is lacey and black and short sleeved, and the others are similar design and 3/4 sleeved, only one is purple and one is teal. I am quite happy to have new clothes for a change, and so inexpensively at that. I have hesitated to buy anything new for obvious reasons, so this is like a treat! I’ll leave my basement “shopping” for another day! (God, I am so penny wise and pound foolish, I disgust even myself!)
Well, I am off to a long day at work today, and likely won’t be home til after 7:00. I need to pack some healthy sustenence items like cheese sticks so I don’t die from starvation and exhaustion, and find ways and time to nibble between clients and what not. Wish me luck…!
Weight: 209.6 lbs.
Tom and I may be so screwed today, and I am anxious as we await our morning appointment with the accountant to have our taxes done. For the first few years of our marriage, we ended up owing thousnads, and although we have managed to do better since then, I am still scared. If you don’t hear from me again, its because I may have needed to sell this laptop to finance our tax bill!
And, what better way to lose weight than to be too broke for groceries!? Seriously though, I am worried and will be happy when this is behind us. Tonight we are also heading to the casino to cash in on our freebies, and although we can’t lose if we play by the rules, I am always anxious as to just how much we may mange to sneak out of them.
At the dinner at our metal detecting club yesterday, I did win several auction calls, and in addition to the stuff I really like and will keep (like a rice/veggie steamer), I won some crap I will probably add to our spring garage sale. I am beginning to strategize the perfect date for this, and am inclined for the first weekend in May, as there are now events the next two weekends, and I really want this all behind me asap. And, I hate having them in the heat of summer when it becomes nearly unbearable to shlep the stuff around and bake with it in the driveway. Although this year I may not have as much trouble with the heat as I have in past, I expect.
Also at the dinner, I did take a few small liberties, although I wasn’t too bad. Mostly a little too much roast beef, a tiny dab of mashed potatoes, and a few bites of cookie. It could have been worse…much worse, as everything under the sun was there for the taking.
Well, there is little else to say today so I’m not even gonna fake it this time. And we can all get on with our day…!
Weight: 209.3 lbs.
I’ve never written about such a matter here before, but feel obliged to report something meaningful and serious here. Quite noteworthy and important, and of an ilk that I rarely speak to.
My face is shrinking! Really! I’ve been having the odd sensation in the shower and such, where I go to shampoo my head, and there is so much less of it that I find myself startled and needing to feel and grope my own face to be sure that it’s really me. Especially as it would be scary and wierd if it was someone else in my bath!
Seriously though, I feel like I have just returned from Africa or somewhere, and have undergone a head shrinking ceremony. I think I have lost the majority of my 90 plus lbs from my face and chin and neck, or so it feels. Who knew that bone structure was lurking underneath!
Next month I meet back with the sleep apnea people, and I would love to think that the wads of fat that have melted from my neck might translate to another reduction in my apnea machine’s number. Of all the medical issues I’ve licked since surgery, this is the most persistant and stubborn and difficult to measure, and I’ve heard may persist unless one loses ALL the excess weight, and even then, maybe not. So I don’t expect to outgrow the machine altogether, yet I’d be lying if I didn’t say I secretly hope and wonder, especially as my face losses seem the most dramatic.
I’d love to say that I am melting elsewhere, but I did measure at least my waist this morning, and I seem to be holding steady. On the other hand, I did not work out both while we were away last weekend, or during my time of great female discomfort. I am still in catch-up mode.
Today promises to be a relatively lazy day and I hope to accomplish things, although at 3:00 we must head off to our metal detecting club’’s annual installation dinner/auction/festivities. I do enjoy the cameraderie and we have befriended some members, and of course, I love the chinese auction component, and well, the dinner. I’m not sure what’s on the menu, but expect that it can’t be “good.” For some reason though, I haven’t been feeling as compulsive or hungry lately, and find myself satisfied with less and not as focused on eating as I feel that I had been. If you asked me what I even ate yesterday, I’m not sure that I remember. Leftovers mostly, I believe. I think this is a good thing and I hope to go with this flow and not force myself to think more about food than I need or want to, so you may notice a decline in emphasis of this kind. Trust me though, that if something stands out in this way, I will make note of it for all of our sakes.
Well, I’m off to do Sunday things, and enjoy the rare Buffalo sunshine! Happy weekend to you too!
Weight: 209.8 lbs.
I know why I went up in weight and I jokingly blame it all on Barb F., my friend and fequent commenter on this site. She and her husband showed up to watch Universal Minds with us at Wegman’s last night, and although I had purposely eaten dinner beforehand so as not to be tempted by food there, we ended up going out afterwards instead to what amounted to a very late and delish dinner at the Flying Turtles restaurant. Pete, my old friend who similarily came to watch the show, also joined in the ad hoc fray. Of course, I could have oprdered everything from nothing to perhaps a small salad or something. But, noooo. I got tempted by a chicken stir fry dish, and ate way too much of it before calling it a night. A quite late night!
And I had been “good” all day. Oh well - the company and evening turned out to be fun and inspirational, as always. Although only a few of my co-workers ended up making it to the performance, several friends did, as did the director of our agency and many other long time staff, AND, the news media who interviewed and filmed the “stars.” We dvr’d the late news, but haven’t yet watched to see if the clip of all this was on. Hey, maybe we’re even in the audience shot!
In unrelated news, I’ve been thinking alot about where this blog fits into the scheme of all things bariatric, and have decided upon what it is, and what it isn’t. I welcome feedback to the contrary, or otherwise!
I have been feeling somewhat humbled by the many who seem to get it all and do it all “right” and carve new and great lifestyles for themselves when given this opportunity from surgery. There seem to be those that adhere to rules they learn to understand, appreciate and embrace right off, and who develop healthy and balanced patterns of eating and living, as a result. There are blogs about this, and the peace that some have made with food, permeates what is written in them. The emphasis is often on will, grit, triumph, regimentation. These writers often quote data, share information and facts gleaned from statistics, news, medical journals and the like. Sometimes, hard core diet recipes are shared, as is exercise tips and strategic methods for staying on track. I love these writers and am inspired by such important and helpful information, yet can’t fully relate. I am not a very fact based or cognitive person by inate nature anyway, so in any realm, I tend to drool in the face of too strict of a informational orientation. I relate best to feelings, undertones, innuendo, poignant life stories, drama, example. Facts and data tend to bore and lose me, and recipes and the like make me seek another site to peruse. I was this way before surgery, and I’m no different now, despite that I may NEED and SHOULD develop a greater repetoire of skills, knowledge and ideas for staying on track. Or, getting on track!
My nature, and therefore my blog, emphasizes the emotional journey, issues of human fraility, the balance of ying and yang, imperfection and strivings to do better. While always keeping an eye on the “beasts” within that are not only real, but that make their presence known in many ways that can serve to sabotage and overwhelm. I write like I work - as a social working, anaylzing, imperfect human. Who tries to be mindful of not just my, but others fragilities and lifestyle factors that influence choices and outcomes. Sometimes I feel like the Suzi Ormen of bariatrics - you know, someone who notes and tends to the whole person, while also focusing on the bariatric or dietary issues. The only difference is that she actually dispenses wise and factual information at the end - LOL!
So, in acknowleding what this is and is not, I appreciate that some may find what I write lacking in data, exasperatingly devoid of “facts” and successful outcomes, or worse yet, psychological drivel. Or, that I often seem endlessly preoccupied with the inner workings and difficulties of life and diet, and never quite seem to get either “it” or to the punchline.
I do hope however, that there are those that can relate to and perhaps find comfort in my honesty and analysis of my human condition, and who may, by virtue of struggling themselves, feel a kindred spirit in the acknowledgement of some of the dark and emotional sides of this journey. And find the daily anaysis of this different or refreshing. I know that these are the blogs that I gravitate to and that keep MY interest, and that validate and support me in ways I recognize and understand. And that I learn and grow and heal, in the presence of.
Now if this doesn’t all make me sound like a psychotherapist and INFJ (look it up under Myers Briggs on the internet) on the profile scale of archetypes, I don’t know what does! Do you know YOUR type??
Weight: 209.2 lbs.
I continue to wake stiff and achey most mornings, and oftentimes pain from my hips (?) keeps me up at night. I felt this while away too, so I no longer suspect our mattress. It is not constant or every night, but more times than not. I might be sleeping in odd positions that lead to this, or my body is arthritic and breaking down with age. I have been adding some cinnamon to my coffee each day as I have read that not only does it help regulate blood sugar, but that it has anti inflammatory properties. I figure that I can use all the help that I can get, so why not! I used to take cinnamon capsules like Tom still does for diabetes, but I’m not sure that I can digest or absorb these any more, so I just sprinkle a little ground cinnamon into my hot drink instead.
Unfortunately, even cinnamon can’t cure or address some of my other “ailments.” Things like misunderstandings and doubt. These are left to good old communication and working through, and trying hard to not be overcome with hurt or pride that can blur things more and mask truths. You know, the “hmph…I’m fine!” kind of response when you’re really not, but aren’t yet up to dealing with the emotions underneath this. I am fighting this tendency and trying hard to keep my emotions honest and clean, for everyone’s sake. Perhaps I’ll burn some calories in the process, as this uses a great deal of emotional energy!
As to weight, I did suspect that I had gone down, both as my peeing had gone up (a sign that I am burning calories, I believe), and my appatite had gone down. I just feel less frantic about food and am more easily able to make better choices when I am not raging and fretting about it. In fact though, we did take out some burritos from a local joint that was advertising “buy one, get one” on all their products yesterday. But, I ate only bites of mine (it was big!) for dinner, and it should make another few meals if I keep this up. Other than this, I ate less and decently yesterday, and won’t bore you with every bite. Suffice to say, I had many of the usual things, and frankly, hardly remember it all as it is that mundane and boring. I still don’t keep an actual food diary or anything, but think that I can guage amounts of this and that pretty good in my head, and generally KNOW when I am off or on track. I would rate yesterday a B+ or so. I did keep an excrutiatingly detailed daily diary for 14 months while on Atkins, and think of doing this again, but am not sure I have the time or wherewithall to be as regimented once again. But, we’ll see if I decide differently some day…. It certainly would help to ensure accuracy and honesty (with myself) if I did this, plus I could compute things with greater certainty and see patterns better. But for now the downside outweighs the positive.
And speaking of paperwork, I am facing lots at work today, and had better get my butt in gear and move on with my morning rituals so I get to work at all! Tonight many people that I work with both team and agency wide, as well as some friends, are heading to a local Wegman’s grocery store (Amherst Street location, in case YOU care to go!), to see Aspire’s band play in their cafe there. The local news is planning to film and profile them, as they are so unique and great and deserve the press. The band is made up of all developmentally disabled individuals, and is called Universal Mind. My social work friend and colleague, Al, helped get them started a few years ago and before he passed away last year. They however, live on, and consist of individuals who are mentally challenged, have cerebral palsy, are blind, autistic and have other assorted disabilities. And they are endearing and talented and poingantly awesome! I am looking forward to what will likely be a crowded, chaotic experience, but full of energy and life! And hopefully many will turn out to cheer them on and show the tv audience that they deserve all the noteriety that they can get! Maybe we’ll see you there!
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March 11th, 2010 | 
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