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Weight: 184.0 lbs.
…and pudding for brains.
I was reading some old magazine in a waiting room recently and found a great article written by a foodaholic who although she never gained to really fat, had a lot of the same issues that the rest of us who struggle with weight do. She eloquently described how when she is at a restaurant and there is a basket of bread between her and whoever she is with, she can’t concentrate on a word that is being said. She becomes completely obsessed with the bread, and either must eat it all, or is rendered deaf by its presence.
I laughed when I read this, but totally can relate. If there is food available to me nearly anywhere, and especially carby things like bread or snacks, I am vitually incapable of taking my mind off its availability. I either must be eating it, staring at it, or planning how to get at it. I can’t ignore it until it is either gone, or I am stuffed to the gills with either it or something else. It is like being possessed by food or being in a Peanuts cartoon where when people talk in too close a proximity to the desired item, they begin to sound like “whah whah whah whah” and are drowned out by the sound of carbohydrates going” EAT ME!!!!”. And this hasn’t changed no matter how much my anatomy got fiddled with and “mutilated”. My brain, unfortunately, remains the same, and has the same too large or active of a food center as it always has.
And I still have no idea what the “cure” or remedy is for this. Except perhaps a lobotomy and I don’t think this is either viable or legal. Darn it.
So, I am left with most of the same issues and struggles that existed before stomach tampering. Except that perhaps I can’t quite fit as much in. Even when I stupidly try.
Not yet, anyway.
Making a compelling case for the fact that I should have “worked the program” more from the get go, learned new techniques for dealing with the real issues, and addressed the underlying addictions through whatever means apparently were available to me.
But, I didn’t. And now I weigh about 120 less pounds, but continue to have a fat mind or “bread head.” And myself to blame, and clearly much more work to do if I hope to even stay where I am weight wise. While I am looking over my shoulder at those who purport to have done much better than I have with their cravings and their addcitions and their weight loss and their issues. Those who have now run marathons and embraced active and athletic lifestyles and who use words like “never again” and “so many pounds gone FOREVER” and who have never looked back. And who may think that I am a numnut and a failure and a bariatric antichrist and a bad influence to those who are trying to actually be successful and do the right thing.
And to all of this, I say that I never meant to represent the masses, to credit the field or stand behind the choice to have the surgery at all. I am simply one who has had it, and who has written from my own perspective and journey, where I am at with it each step of MY way. Which may or may not be YOUR way, or even remotely approximate the RIGHT way. And try as I might and despite amazing feedback and support here and elsewhere in the cyber world, I haven’t yet figured out either just what this “right” way is, or how to embrace it as I should. Mostly the latter, I think.
Largely because I continue to have bread and other goodies ringing in my ears.
And, with this having been said, tomorrow will remain my last blogging day, and it is with a mixture of resignation and sadness and relief and apprehension that I say this. I will post final pictures and try to sum up my journey, as well as say goodbye as best I can. For which I say: “ Sniff, yippee, sigh and hooray.”
Weight: 184.4 lbs.
I am not talking about this blog which is not only not gone too soon, but probably has gone on way past its expiration date.
I am referring to the unspeakably sad, tragic and sudden death of my co-workers son last night. Paul called me in the evening to ask if I would cancel his clients for today, as there was an “emergency” in his family. He and his wife apparently found their young son dead in his nearby home at dinnertime. Apparently from the pancreatitis he had had bouts of over the last few years and had been ravaged by. But was not expected to die of.
When you work in a small department like I do, you get very close with your colleagues. I have worked with Paul, our psychologist, for 17 years, and we were as “intimate” as two individuals can get who see each other on a weekly basis and share a small suite. He is a proud man of what was two sons, one of whom is to be married soon.
It was my duty to inform the others, and I spent all evening making sad, horrible calls to the rest of our colleagues as Paul asked me to. There is nothing that can be really said in the face of such tragedy. But clearly, it shows how life can change in a hearbeat, and that which we prioritize one minute seems trivial and ridiculous the next.
I couldn’t just blog about food today, and will add one extra day to this site, making Friday its last day instead. To try and still end on a bariatrically relevent note…even if it all seems so meaningless at the moment.
Weight: 184.8 lbs.
When I was typing in today’s weight, I accidentally inverted the numbers at first, and put 148. For a brief second before I noticed, I had such a good feeling. I can’t imagine a weight, although probably still chunky for my frame, so LOW! And I have given up all hope to get there. I don’t think I’ve weighed so little since I was like born, and can’t even imagine what it would feel like once again. I do wonder if the weights of today are a little higher due to excess skin, and that a weight such as 148 would be equivalent to maybe the 130’s if one was younger and didn’t look like a sharpei. Has anyone ever thought about this? If so, this would also explain why some people who seem to have high weight numbers after surgery, look thinner than I would think. I know a few people that this is true of, and I marvel when they tell me how high their actual weight is because they certainly appear to be lower than they say.
In any case, I digress. The point is that just about ANY weight less than what I now am, seems too elusive for me lately. In fact, I am moreso struggling to not regain.
I have also given up all hope for the weather to clear here, and although now the rain is warm instead of cold, it is still dreary and dark and rainy on a daily basis in good old Buffalo. I suppose that I shouldn’t complain becasue it could be tornadoing, but it is hard to feel energetic and spry with chronically blecchhh weather. Yesterday after work I wanted to run so many errands, including having my car washed and detailed, but I threw in the towel due to the weather. I can’t even get the stuff in the garage priced etc., as it is too yucky out to even feel excited about the upcoming sale. I fear that this summer will be a wash, and worry because we have so many trips and outdoor things planned. So what have I been doing about it…sitting in front of the tv, nibbling and stewing. Not such a productive way of coping! Plus I feel achey all the time, and Tom’s foot issues have flared up also likely due to the perpetual dampness.
Although part of me is trying to blame the weather for my (over)eating, I do know that there is really no excuse (or hundreds!) and that it still all comes down to ME. Which of course, is the problem in a nutshell. And even my references to cheating have food words in them! See how doomed I am?
Someone asked me recently what I now eat in a typical day, two years out. I laugh because I don’t think that I have ever had a typical day, and because hopefully what I do is not representative of what most do. If so, everyone would have a woebegone blog like mine!
But, just so you know, and in keeping actually with what I used to report on here, here was yesterday’s “menu”:
A protein shake for breakfast. The only reason I had this is because it was left over in the blender from the day before when I was trying to up my protein and liquefy my diet. I’m over it now.
A few cashews at my desk at work. Then 2 eggs, scrambled with some cheese and a little milk for the afternoon as I got out of work early. And some leftover cheetos (the world’s worst invention and my biggest threat cause I LOVE ‘em) that I stupidly purchased a week ago thinking that our company would eat them when they came over for subs. (Which they didn’t, and explains why they are skinny and I am not!!)
Then, the last of the protein shake, my leftover burger patty and peas and a little mac and cheese from when Tom and I ate out at Jim’s earlier in the week.
Then, for later snack, I had some peanuts and an orange.
As you can see, there is no rhyme or reason to what I eat, and only some of it is hearty enough to fill me. The rest I tend to crunch and nibble, which is the worst thing I could be doing. But yet, what I crave the most. Especially as I sit drooling mindlessly in front of the tv. Which is equally as bad.
So clearly I know where and why I am falling short and what my triggers and temptations are. It’s just doing something about it that is lacking. With one hope being that if it ever gets nice out I may even choose to do things other than nibbling and sitting indoors!
Which we all know is a flawed theory really, or I would have lost more last summer, plus if I rely on such external factors to dictate my success (especially when it comes to weather in Buffalo!), I am screwed!!!
And the way I now see it, I suck at this regardless of the reason, and am screwed if I don’t make some significant changes.
Well, duh!!!
Weight: 183.7 lbs.
How is it that my vacation is nearly over already?! I had so many lofty ideas and plans for what I would accomplish in this week, and only got a miniscule amount of things accomplished. We did manage to have a few minutes of decent weather yesterday that allowed Tom and I to clean out the shed and put away the snowblower. And set up some chairs and such in the yard. This was probably our greatest feat this week. Otherwise, we did play some, ate out more than usual (including yesterday when we stopped at “Jim’s” after attempting to participate in a Cheektowage storage locker sale). And I think that may be about it, other than perhaps a little pricing of some garage sale stuff.
Here’s what I had hoped to do:
1)Catch up on reading, including some books I have bought and have been dying to dig into. For like years now.
2)Clean, organize, rearrange the house. Maybe I did a wee bit of this, but nothing to write home about. Besides, even if I had, it would need it again by now anyway.
3)Plan out and begin to tackle some of our many summer plans. Other than dabbling a tiny bit in the garage sale stuff, I hardly did any of this. We still have not gotten our heads fully around the May 28th memorial for Tom’s mother in which upwards of 50 people are coming over after mass. Nor have we yet ordered our airline tix for our August trip to Iowa. Etc, etc. I have begun the process of making lists and checking them twice, but haven’t DONE a darn thing on any of them.
4)Develop and think forward about a diet and exercise plan. Not. This may as well read: “Create world peace.” or “Solve global warming.”
5)Take more and better pics for the send off of this site, and begin to think of what I must yet say before I bid “adieu”. Instead, I have barely managed to find time or wherewithall to write my usual drivel.
6)Visit Kris at the psychiatric center. We opted not to even do this today and this will be probably the first major holiday that we have skipped. I did call and inquire as to how she is doing, but combined with the staff’s bleak response and the last visit in which she was mute and didn’t engage one iota with us, we have decided to leave her be. It is hard to know what is the best thing to do in a situation like this, as any benefit that our visits might have on her are no longer apparent, and we now even worry that they are contraindicated.
What we will do today is join my cousins Kenny, Karen and Jimmy for Easter dinner. We are bringing the “free” ham we got from the casino, and our friend Rose (not necessarily in that order!) It promises to be a good time with plenty of warm feelings and EATS. So what else is new!?
And then tomorrow, I head back to the dreaded work for what promises to be a marathon of catching up. I had so hoped to come back much more ready and refreshed than I fear I won’t be…but then again, how realistic is this?
But hey, at least I no longer believe that time off will change my life and the course of my mental and weight issues. Ha!! And I am stymied as to whether this is a good or a bad realization!
Weight: 183.9 lbs.
I wish the title referred to my weight and not the fact that I am soon to sign off for good here. Although, my weight did creep down a little despite the half sub I ate last night along with a few chips and some red licorice sticks and a few pieces of dark chocolate that Janet brought. I figure that I peed the excess off as I did manage to have mostly just protein shakes until the evening meal with friends. I may try this again today, as surprisingly I also feel less swollen and achey despite the fact that it is rainy and dreary out again (still?) today. Plus, I am obviously still higher than I want to be now or ever, or especially if I am hoping to end this blog on a high note (and a low(er) weight).
I have been thinking a lot about the imminent demise of this site, and have very mixed feelings. I strongly feel that it is time and I am ready, as I have little left to say or few new revelations. Frankly, I am also weary of the time and work that it entails. And of trying to be creative, fresh, interesting or upbeat. Not that I WAS any of these things, of course….but at least I was TRYING to be!
What has been most difficult is staying true to my mission to honestly report everything, even when it is repetitive drivel about gaining, struggling, fighting with myself, or moaning about the journey. I realize by reading my own entries that I can be a master of excuses, “lazy” and hedonistic, impulsive and addicted, and overly tuned into the dark side of myself and of life. I also clearly suffer from anxiety and OCD like symptoms, am prone to dysphoria, and can have maddening mood swings that even I can’t explain and maybe only partially are caused by my truly funky hormones. Sadly, I can see the contrast between me and those who successfully push themselves without excuses, and with those who embrace new lifestyles in ways that my skepticism and sabotage haven’t allowed.
The question is one of whether I have what it takes to be successful in the long haul, and whether I am just a late bloomer. On one hand I will be sad not to have this venue to report how things are coming along, but on the other, I am honestly relieved to be free of my own boring diatribe, especially if I continue to spin my wheels as I have been. In short, I am sick of even listening to myself!! And seeing my own failures in print.
I am hoping that new energy may come of new thoughts once free of what has become a rather mundane blogging process. Not to mention the extra hour or so that I will have each day.
Behind the scenes here are track and pingbacks to edit, messages that come in around the edges, photos to manage and other things that add to the job list of maintaining such a site. I do feel bad that I still get a lot of people connecting via twitter, and in fact, for some reason, got several more this last week alone. And a lot seem like newbies. In the past I would have signed into them as they have me, and embraced their connection. Unfortunately, now I am doing nothing except to quietly wonder about who they are and why the interest in this site.
So…it is with some sadness and mixed feelings that I am in the homestretch here. I hate to end on a busy week/work day, but I see that the 28th is a Thursday, so to be true to my plan to end on the exact anniversary of my surgery, I am sticking with this. Which leaves 5 more days until I say goodbye and am “on my own”. For the first time since I even thought about having surgery. And this can be a very sobering thought!! And part of me will miss you all more than you will ever know!!
Weight: 184.4 lbs.
Well, I am quite convinced now that any hopes that I may have had to end this blog by LOSING weight, have been dashed. In fact, I can now only hope to not gain even more. Perhaps this is a sign that I will be closing out in keeping with how I have been living the last several months…without great disclipline and on a slippery slope of possible regaining. I find that I am fighting with myself over everythng I eat and do, and that I am gaining easier than losing these days. I had every intention of staying away from carbs and moderating my intake yesterday, but found that even this was too hard for me to do as well as I had planned. Instead, I had popcorn in the evening, and a banana as a mid day snack. Not horrible, but certainly not devoid of carbs. Plus, I ate way more calories through the day than I had planned on, including those from a dinner of a cheese sandwich and frozen veggies. I also had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, and a 2 eggs with cheese breakfast. And Tom insisted that I try his veggie pasta with Prego sauce. And I mustn’t forget the red licorice stick I ate for good measure.
Not that I counted, but I am quite sure that I far exceeded both calorie wise and carb wise, what would be recommended for anyone, let alone a post bariatric surgery female who remains chunky.
And who had imagined doing “better” at least this one day so as to decarbify myself going into the holiday weekend.
And the fact that Debbie and Janet are due over tonight and we have a date with Subway. Ie: more carbs. Even if I order one of their “diet” subs.
Clearly I am just not on board with making good choices yet, even if it may jeopardize my chances to lose back to the 182 I had gotten down to.
Interestingly, one of the errands that Tom and I ran yesterday, was to the thrift store so I could try and find some sweat pants to bum around in. And to replace the ones of Tom’s that I stole from him.
I did manage to find several pairs of both sweats and everyday pants, and some were size Medium (mens) and a few were size 14 (womans). These are the smallest sizes I can remember having worn, and they fit quite well. So either they have been stretched out or represent larger sixes than they sound, or I am able to wear smaller sizes than one would think given my actual weight. Much of which is leftover flubber that hangs off of me and is in the form of excess skin. And can be tucked into the above clothes.
Such that I have the illusion of doing ok even when I really am spinning in the wind. And such that somehow I just don’t have enough motivation or incentive or will power or whatever to do anything radical for myself.
And such that I will no doubt be signing off here in about a week, weighing more than my lowest, and with as uncertain of a future weight wise as I have always had. With the only exception being that hereafter, only I will know my daily weight and whether I am a complete bariatric flunkee or not. And if it hasn’t been enough incentive for me to be telling the world about my struggles, I have to wonder just how I’ll fare when I am completely on my own.
Ack…!!
Weight: 184.7 lbs.
I was hoping that having stood in line in the freezing and gusty weather last night for over 2 hours (before the doors even opened at 7:00 pm), may have helped me shiver off some ounces at least. But, all I accomplished was 2nd row seats to see Temple Grandin speak, which I guess was really the point. We never did see my co-workers, other than my supervisor who showed up at 6:00 for the 8:00 lecture, and ended up in the far back. But at least she wasn’t as much of a popsicle as we were by the time that we finally got in. And then Temple only spoke for like 45 minutes, which was just barely enough time for us to thaw out and settle in before it was all over. I am now torn as to whether it was worth all the planning and fretting and fussing and waiting to get in that made this the focus of our whole day. Oh well, I guess that this is the kind of thing that vacations are for.
And today, we are still awaiting word as to whether we will be able to metal detect with Tom’s friend or not. He has not yet gotten back to us, the weather is now finally sunny but cold and the ground is mush from days of rain, and I still ache so much that I am not even sure that I want to. We do plan to accomodate our friend Marlene when she visits this a.m. with items for our impending garage sale, and then later, the future pet sitter who is coming with her small children to see how compatible they will be with Spice. If we do detect, it will be after all this, and possibly into the evening.
Then tomorrow and Saturday, other than errands/shopping, are finally the days for “nothing” that I have been looking forward to. We likely will have “the girls” over and hang out, but other than that, the days are mercifully not scheduled up. Weather permitting, I may even tackle some pricing of garage sale items and other outdoors type stuff that I will soon run out of time to tend to.
What is noticeably missing from my immediate agenda is anything diet related. Although I do need to rein in my eating enough to lose back what now appears to have become a “permanent” weight gain of a few pounds. As I fear that this may be the beginning of a slippery slope back up, I must catch it before I become demoralized by chronic weight gain and lose more perspective as a result. I am also starting to think that any bariatric advantage I may have had that has kept me from gaining as quickly as I used to, is likely over. I feel as if I have the ability to gain quickly once again, and nned to be that much more vigilant as a result. Interestingly I haven’t minded as much as perhaps I should that I haven’t lost to “goal”, but I do mind terribly if I were to go back up…even a little. This is where I hope I will have the chutzpah to draw the line, as I can’t afford to go beyond the mid 180’s before I would start to feel freaked out and fear that all is about to be lost. On the other hand, since I am just about there now, this means that I have to do something sooner rather than later…even with Easter a few days away. We are planning to go to my cousin’s for Easter, and they are planning a huge spread…so moderation in the face of this will be difficult. But, perhaps if I use the next few days to get back down and suppress the worst of my appetite by minimizing carbs, I should do ok on Easter day too. Fingers, toes and tongue crossed.
Something about “one day at a time” and “rah, rah, shickaboom”. And “please god (or whoever), give me the strength….”
“Cause right now, this is about what it all comes down to as clearly I have little else in my bag of tricks for times like this.
Which btw, I have finally figured out and will now admit, is always!
Weight: 184.4 lbs.
The old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be. God I am so weary from a day of supposed fun and frolic. Tom and I wrapped up our casino junket after cashing in on two free hams and about $50 of merchandise and food items, around 4:00. We ran into Tom’s sister and brother in law who were equally tired and according to Joan, achey and cold and swollen. Does gambling do this to us? It was starting to feel like it was either this or the overindulgences in buffet items, until I woke up this morning feeling even worse. Now I figure that its either another casino “hangover” or related to the perpetually rainy, damp, cold weather. So far this spring has been the bleakest I recall, and my bones feel perpetually chilled. I know that I need to be taking better care of them and of me and as I am not, they are left that much more to the elements. And I feel lousy all over as if I slept out in the rain last night.
And speaking of which, we may end up standing out in the rain for hours later today when we go stand in line for seats to see Temple Grandin tonight. I called the college about the set up yesterday, and found out that they do not allow you to save spots, and that they anticipate thousands showing up for a hall that only holds 500. They have added a live feed to an adjacent building to accomadate 500 more, but I really hope we get to see HER and not her image on a screen. So we have to leave hours in advance of even the doors opening, and it is still cruddy out and is expected to stay that way most of the day. Hopefully all this hassle will be worth it…. We’ll see if we made it in tomorrow, and whether any of my co-workers managed the same. As it looks like it will be each man for himself, so I also have to get back to them and tell them that they are on their own with this one.
After my morning oil change. In the car, that is, although perhaps if it were in me there would be hope that I would perk up some.
And this is supposed to be my freakin’ vacation! I sure hope it and I feel better tomorrow. We have a tentavive date with Tom’s friend Corky to go metal detecting, weather permitting, so at least I will be using my body for good things instead of running around a smoky casino and eating myself into a stupor.
Perhaps that’s when my vacation does begin. When I actually do something good and productive and healthy with myself and my time. What a revelation!!!
Weight: 184.0
We are leaving soon, so Tom and I are up early and eager to get on the road. We will be joined by Debbie and Rose who we are meeting for breakfast, and then will stand in line for our 3:00 pm show tix for Fallsview’s Michael Jackson tribute, “The Man In The Mirror”. After this, we will eat 4 free buffets, then probably play a little before they head home and Tom and I stay over. Because we can! Because WE are both off on Monday, and everyday this week, for that matter. Woo Hoo!!!
We have many other plans for the week as well, from the mundane (oil changes etc.) to fun (metal detecting etc.) Also, on Wednesday night we are planning to hear Temple Grandin speak at the local college, and I am slated to try and save seats for several of my interested co-workers (Temple has autism, PhD’s, and speaks on how her unique abilities has helped her to revolutionize the animal husbandry industry). It should be an interesting week.
Also, it will be the second to the last week of this blog, as it is going “down” on my two year surgiversary of April 28th. When not gone like tomorrow, I hope to throw together some final and possibly meaningful posts before I run. Maybe I’ll even have something relevent and interesting to say…although I doubt it. Whatever the case, we will all know how my 2 years ended. Likely not too different than how it has gone all along…unfortunately. But, as you can see, I am living and loving life and can’t say that I am held back by my weight anymore, and I enjoy a myriad of activities that even includes eating. For good or bad.
And, for now at least, this is just what I intend to continue doing….except that I won’t be telling YOU for much longer. I’m sure you are crushed and won’t know what to do with yourself if you don’t know my every move.
Ha Ha!
Weight: 184.3 lbs.
I told Kay and Paul when they were over last night that if I gained (more) weight today, that I was going to publically blame THEM for it. After all, they compelled me to eat chicken wings for dinner, and their presence at Tom’s birthday celebration led me to then buy and eat cake for dessert. Clearly none of this was MY fault or doing! Darn them.
And now I am not sure if I am bloated from all the grease and salt, or if I have packed on true pounds from the calories and frankly, days of (over) indulgences. And my vacation is just beginning!
Tomorrow Tom and I head to the casino with friends for a concert, but also for several meals there since we are enjoying an overnight and everything. This means breakfast and dinner out with our friends there, and then at least breakfast the next day (Monday) as we have a room overnight on Sunday. I am so doomed.
And somehow I can’t continue to blame the relatives for this…so I’ll have to find someone or something else to come up with.
Hmmmm….perhaps the sun got in my eyes or the dog ate my homework. It works for me.
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April 28th, 2011 | 
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