29 April 2011 «Necessary Mutilation

The Little Bit Less Fat Lady Sings

Final Weight: 183.9 lbs.

OK, so I just finished writing my weight at exactly 2 years post bariatric surgery. Even with some weight gain in the home stretch, I have lost lbs. since I had my stomach rearranged exactly 24 months ago. I can’t believe that it has been this long, as it still feels as if I just did it. I can rememebr every detail of both my decision and the process itself as if it just occurred…although possibly writing about it all in intimate detail here may have something to do with how acute my recall is! I may even reread some old posts and look back on some old pics as I get melancholy about ending my blog. It may also do me good to revisit where I came from, why I did this in the first place, and what I needed to achieve. I tend to take it all for granted, and this is the last thing I should ever do. In fact, I may not even be here now if I didn’t take such a radical step to save my own life. And the fact that I no longer suffer from so many conditions I had just 2 years ago, should never be forgotten. I NEED to remain humbled by all that gastric bypass has afforded me, and stop taking it and myself so lightly.

I have tended to write in a tongue and cheek manner here that appears as if I am ungrateful and stupid about what I have been given. I realize this both on my own, and from occassional feedback I had gotten in the past along the edges of this blog. I truly don’t blame people for feeling as they may have towards me for how I sound, and truth be told, I can agree that one of my hardest things has been to get with the program and stop being so cynical and skeptical both of myself and of everything and everyone. And this trait is not isolated to me as a post bariatric patient, because I can be equally as radical in the face of most things. Sometimes I am not just my own worst enemy, but so “anti” tradition of all sorts, that I may appear to be public enemy number one as well. For instance, I am a huge fan of Michael Moore, I question religion, embrace somewhat controversial beliefs about society, animal rights, government and convention, and I am skeptical about concepts of altruism and human nature. As a social worker I deal with the dark and troubled side of human nature as well as the triumph of the spirit and the ability of people to heal and have compassion. I embrace concepts of ying and yang, and am comfortable with mixed feelings and gray areas. Which my blog repeatedly refers to, like when I swing from good intention to a place of self sabotage or resignation. Then back again.

Such that the only way that I could do things was my way. Flawed and imperfect and halting and ambivalent and searching and unsure. With fits and starts, questioning, struggles and angst. And triumph and gratitude and joy. For all to see every day, no holds barred. And not just the pretty parts, the weight losses and the successes. Like some other blogs. Even the title represents that I was not intending to sugar coat any aspect of things. (And I still chuckle when I think of how the board of Celebrate vitamins deicded not to advertise here based on the controversial nature of this title).

And now, two years and quite a journey out, I feel so much better in my skin, walk with ease, embrace life more fully, and no longer dread certain chores or events becasue they would be too taxing physically. Every day I am grateful for the fluidity this affords me, and I tend to focus and do best when I silence the negatives and “can’ts” and concentrate on such possibilities and outcomes. It does feel so amazing to no longer be held back or feel so self conscious, and to move with ease. I must make this my mantra….

And for whatever journey my readers are on in their attempts to lose or to find their way with whatever the struggle, I truly hope that being as candid as I have with my own demons may support and empower you in some small way. Through time here, I have gotten wonderful feedback about this very aspect of my writing that has helped others to feel less alone and ashamed, and that there is inspiration to be had from even my struggles. I can’t say how much I appreciate knowing this, and wish everyone else well with whatever they are up against. I understand that character is defined not by the fact that we fall down, but by how quickly we get back up and how well we brush ourselves off in the process. Something I know that I strive for, however flawed I am in doing so. I have no doubt that despite my moaning here, that I will keep plugging at everything, partly because I can’t not, and partly because the alternative is unthinkable.

And for a final testimonty to my success thus far, here are some pictures that say way more than any further blather on my part. Thank you all for having joined me here, commenting, helping with administrative tasks and maintence on this site behind the scenes (Roy and Jeanne!), feedback along the way, and even critisisms as these have kept me humble and aware of other choices.

2 days before surgery and 304 lbs. Gulp! Now. 184ish lbs.