Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 184.8 lbs.

When I was typing in today’s weight, I accidentally inverted the numbers at first, and put 148. For a brief second before I noticed, I had such a good feeling. I can’t imagine a weight, although probably still chunky for my frame, so LOW! And I have given up all hope to get there. I don’t think I’ve weighed so little since I was like born, and can’t even imagine what it would feel like once again. I do wonder if the weights of today are a little higher due to excess skin, and that a weight such as 148 would be equivalent to maybe the 130’s if one was younger and didn’t look like a sharpei. Has anyone ever thought about this? If so, this would also explain why some people who seem to have high weight numbers after surgery, look thinner than I would think. I know a few people that this is true of, and I marvel when they tell me how high their actual weight is because they certainly appear to be lower than they say.

In any case, I digress. The point is that just about ANY weight less than what I now am, seems too elusive for me lately. In fact, I am moreso struggling to not regain.

I have also given up all hope for the weather to clear here, and although now the rain is warm instead of cold, it is still dreary and dark and rainy on a daily basis in good old Buffalo. I suppose that I shouldn’t complain becasue it could be tornadoing, but it is hard to feel energetic and spry with chronically blecchhh weather. Yesterday after work I wanted to run so many errands, including having my car washed and detailed, but I threw in the towel due to the weather. I can’t even get the stuff in the garage priced etc., as it is too yucky out to even feel excited about the upcoming sale. I fear that this summer will be a wash, and worry because we have so many trips and outdoor things planned. So what have I been doing about it…sitting in front of the tv, nibbling and stewing. Not such a productive way of coping! Plus I feel achey all the time, and Tom’s foot issues have flared up also likely due to the perpetual dampness.

Although part of me is trying to blame the weather for my (over)eating, I do know that there is really no excuse (or hundreds!) and that it still all comes down to ME. Which of course, is the problem in a nutshell. And even my references to cheating have food words in them! See how doomed I am?

Someone asked me recently what I now eat in a typical day, two years out. I laugh because I don’t think that I have ever had a typical day, and because hopefully what I do is not representative of what most do. If so, everyone would have a woebegone blog like mine!

But, just so you know, and in keeping actually with what I used to report on here, here was yesterday’s “menu”:

A protein shake for breakfast. The only reason I had this is because it was left over in the blender from the day before when I was trying to up my protein and liquefy my diet. I’m over it now.

A few cashews at my desk at work. Then 2 eggs, scrambled with some cheese and a little milk for the afternoon as I  got out of work early. And some leftover cheetos (the world’s worst invention and my biggest threat cause I LOVE ‘em) that I stupidly purchased a week ago thinking that our company would eat them when they came over for subs. (Which they didn’t, and explains why they are skinny and I am not!!)

Then, the last of the protein shake, my leftover burger patty and peas and a little mac and cheese from when Tom and I ate out at Jim’s earlier in the week.

Then, for later snack, I had some peanuts and an orange.

As you can see, there is no rhyme or reason to what I eat, and only some of it is hearty enough to fill me. The rest I tend to crunch and nibble, which is the worst thing I could be doing. But yet, what I crave the most. Especially as I sit drooling mindlessly in front of the tv. Which is equally as bad.

So clearly I know where and why I am falling short and what my triggers and temptations are. It’s just doing something about it that is lacking. With one hope being that if it ever gets nice out I may even choose to do things other than nibbling and sitting indoors!

Which we all know is a flawed theory really, or I would have lost more last summer, plus if I rely on such external factors to dictate my success (especially when it comes to weather in Buffalo!), I am screwed!!!

And the way I now see it, I suck at this regardless of the reason, and am screwed if I don’t make some significant changes.

Well, duh!!!