Going Down

Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

Weight: 183.9 lbs.

I wish the title referred to my weight and not the fact that I am soon to sign off for good here. Although, my weight did creep down a little despite the half sub I ate last night along with a few chips and some red licorice sticks and a few pieces of dark chocolate that Janet brought. I figure that I peed the excess off as I did manage to have mostly just protein shakes until the evening meal with friends. I may try this again today, as surprisingly I also feel less swollen and achey despite the fact that it is rainy and dreary out again (still?) today. Plus, I am obviously still higher than I want to be now or ever, or especially if I am hoping to end this blog on a high note (and a low(er) weight).

I have been thinking a lot about the imminent demise of this site, and have very mixed feelings. I strongly feel that it is time and I am ready, as I have little left to say or few new revelations. Frankly, I am also weary of the time and work that it entails. And of trying to be creative, fresh, interesting or upbeat. Not that I WAS any of these things, of course….but at least I was TRYING to be!

What has been most difficult is staying true to my mission to honestly report everything, even when it is repetitive drivel about gaining, struggling, fighting with myself, or moaning about the journey. I realize by reading my own entries that I can be a master of excuses, “lazy” and hedonistic, impulsive and addicted, and overly tuned into the dark side of myself and of life. I also clearly suffer from anxiety and OCD like symptoms, am prone to dysphoria, and can have maddening mood swings that even I can’t explain and maybe only partially are caused by my truly funky hormones. Sadly, I can see the contrast between me and those who successfully push themselves without excuses, and with those who embrace new lifestyles in ways that my skepticism and sabotage haven’t allowed.

The question is one of whether I have what it takes to be successful in the long haul, and whether I am just a late bloomer. On one hand I will be sad not to have this venue to report how things are coming along, but on the other, I am honestly relieved to be free of my own boring diatribe, especially if I continue to spin my wheels as I have been. In short, I am sick of even listening to myself!! And seeing my own failures in print.

I am hoping that new energy may come of new thoughts once free of what has become a rather mundane blogging process. Not to mention the extra hour or so that I will have each day.

Behind the scenes here are track and pingbacks to edit, messages that come in around the edges, photos to manage and other things that add to the job list of maintaining such a site. I do feel bad that I still get a lot of people connecting via twitter, and in fact, for some reason, got several more this last week alone. And a lot seem like newbies. In the past I would have signed into them as they have me, and embraced their connection. Unfortunately, now I am doing nothing except to quietly wonder about who they are and why the interest in this site.

So…it is with some sadness and mixed feelings that I am in the homestretch here. I hate to end on a busy week/work day, but I see that the 28th is a Thursday, so to be true to my plan to end on the exact anniversary of my surgery, I am sticking with this. Which leaves 5 more days until I say goodbye and am “on my own”. For the first time since I even thought about having surgery. And this can be a very sobering thought!! And part of me will miss you all more than you will ever know!!

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