Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 184.4 lbs.

Well, I am quite convinced now that any hopes that I may have had to end this blog by LOSING weight, have been dashed. In fact, I can now only hope to not gain even more. Perhaps this is a sign that I will be closing out in keeping with how I have been living the last several months…without great disclipline and on a slippery slope of possible regaining. I find that I am fighting with myself over everythng I eat and do, and that I am gaining easier than losing these days. I had every intention of staying away from carbs and moderating my intake yesterday, but found that even this was too hard for me to do as well as I had planned. Instead, I had popcorn in the evening, and a banana as a mid day snack. Not horrible, but certainly not devoid of carbs. Plus, I ate way more calories through the day than I had planned on, including those from a dinner of a cheese sandwich and frozen veggies. I also had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, and a 2 eggs with cheese breakfast. And Tom insisted that I try his veggie pasta with Prego sauce. And I mustn’t forget the red licorice stick I ate for good measure.

Not that I counted, but I am quite sure that I far exceeded both calorie wise and carb wise, what would be recommended for anyone, let alone a post bariatric surgery female who remains chunky.

And who had imagined doing “better” at least this one day so as to decarbify myself going into the holiday weekend.

And the fact that Debbie and Janet are due over tonight and we have a date with Subway. Ie: more carbs. Even if I order one of their “diet” subs.

Clearly I am just not on board with making good choices yet, even if it may jeopardize my chances to lose back to the 182 I had gotten down to.

Interestingly, one of the errands that Tom and I ran yesterday, was to the thrift store so I could try and find some sweat pants to bum around in. And to replace the ones of Tom’s that I stole from him.

I did manage to find several pairs of both sweats and everyday pants, and some were size Medium (mens) and a few were size 14 (womans). These are the smallest sizes I can remember having worn, and they fit quite well. So either they have been stretched out or represent larger sixes than they sound, or I am able to wear smaller sizes than one would think given my actual weight. Much of which is leftover flubber that hangs off of me and is in the form of excess skin. And can be tucked into the above clothes.

Such that I have the illusion of doing ok even when I really am spinning in the wind. And such that somehow I just don’t have enough motivation or incentive or will power or whatever to do anything radical for myself.

And such that I will no doubt be signing off here in about a week, weighing more than my lowest, and with as uncertain of a future weight wise as I have always had. With the only exception being that hereafter, only I will know my daily weight and whether I am a complete bariatric flunkee or not. And if it hasn’t been enough incentive for me to be telling the world about my struggles, I have to wonder just how I’ll fare when I am completely on my own.

Ack…!!