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Weight: 183.6 lbs.
The pendulum has now swung and I have become a full fledged maniac. Although I got a million things done yesterday, none of it felt like enough and I am irritable about how my list has only grown. I even called an old colleague/friend and he came right over to help me price the antiques in our garage sale….but determined that some were of possibly too high value to “give away” and that I should consult with three different antiquers that he uses and is aquainted with. One for stuff, one for old books and one for militaria. Somehow we have all three categories of things, and they may be worth a decent amount.
So, amongst other things, I am having to add this to the list. It will likely require running the items from here to there for estimates. Plus, at our metal detecting meeting last night, I learned that the Ten Lives Cat Club’s big garage sale is June 4th, and last year I spent a zillion hours helping set them up. I offered again, and although I do want to support the cause, feel like it may be one more huge thing on my plate…especially if I am trying to have my own sale around the same time. Plus, I actually came home and cancelled (well, moved up a week) our dinner plans with my cousins for next Sunday, because I was also told that next Sunday is Ten Live’s annual fund raiser, and we go every year. I just forgot in all the commotion.
Ack…so much to do and so little time. I seem to have heard this somewhere before….
Today I take my car in for lots of maintenence, and then Tom whisks me off for my sleep study follow up appointment. Then we have numerous errands and phone calls. Thank god I am off today, but I can already see the day whizzing by.
What hasn’t sped up along with my mind, is my metabolism. Apparently. I have gained and not lost back down, and still can’t seem to discipline myself to eat any better or to exercise yet.I watched the premiere episode for season 4 of Ruby (on-line as I don’t get Style network) yesterday and she gained many pounds back, and this scared me. I see that it is so easy to do even with surgery, and can totally sympathize with her struggles. Just the same, I am stupid enough to bank on my mental expenditure and running around to suffice for now. And can only hope then that I don’t pay the price in both a blown gasket AND blubber!
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Weight: 183.4 lbs.
OK, so I got on much better track as far as getting things done goes. But not eating just yet. In fact, I ate more than usual yesterday in my new found zest for life. I’ll get to that in a minute.
I am off to a banner start again today, although I also slept in very late. But, my head is in the right place and I will tackle numerous tasks before the day is out.And tonight is our metal detecting meeting, which I actually am looking forward to as they have what sounds like a cool speaker lined up. Yesterday I even got more done than I thought, including making a billion trips from the basement to the garage to put the crap I’ve collected and have decided to sell into the garage for another summer sale. During the work week three people approached me and asked if we were having our apparently annual garage sale this year, as they wanted to participate with us. Although every year I have sworn that I would rather hang naked from a high ledge than go through this again, I manage to find that my possessions have been having sex and multiplying behind my back, and need to be sold off every summer. So…I guess I’m committed (or should be!) now, and set up a dozen tables in the garage and they are already full! We also have some furniture, and many antiques this year. I am at a loss as to how to price these items though, so will need to do some homework or find someone to help.
In addition to getting all this work done, I accomplished many in home tasks, AND Tom and I still had time to run to two casinos and use our freebie coupons and such. We ate the free buffet at Fallsview, redeemed our cash coupons, played and I won (Tom lost), scooted over to Seneca across the crowded border, and used $90 of free money that would have expired at the end of the month if we didn’t. This allowed us free purchases at the deli and gift shops, and we loaded up on stuff to take home. AND, we played $60 in free gambling money, some of what I won at Fallsview, and came home $500 ahead! Which I will now gladly use for the car work that I have scheduled tomorrow, and the sleep study doctor. All told, it was a great day!!
I did eat and drink way too much though, as one can imagine happens at a buffet. We got there at 10:45 when it was still breakfast foods, and then it turned over to lunch/dinner at 11:00. This allowed me to eat two meals in one sitting, as I had everything from eggs to shrimp to tastes of desserts. I’m not proud of how much I ate, but do admit that it was quite good. I guess that I am not ready to crack down on everything all at once or just yet.
But, at least I feel my energy returning and I am chewing down the many tasks that up until recently were only serving to make me feel overwhelmed and stressed. And with my skin no longer crawling and my energy better, perhaps there is hope that the rest will follow!
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Weight: 183.1 lbs.
I have been up since 4:12 am, although I didn’t go to bed until after 11:00. I didn’t mean to get up so early, but my racing mind wouldn’t let me sleep. Either I have entered into the world of the manic, or I am having my first bout of good energy and motivation in a long while. Either way, I am happy for it!
Yesterday I stifled my building energy with food and tv. I could feel my restlessness and anxiety growing, and worked to stuff it rather than using it to be creative and get things down. I am not sure why, but I do this sometimes, and it is always to my huge detriment. It only makes me more anxious and fat, and I end up with what I call “anti-energy”. It is a terrible feeling and this morning I realized that it has proabaly been the source of a lot of my stress and exhaustion lately. I have been fighting my body and my mind under the mistaken assumption that I need to CONSERVE energy, when in fact, I think I have been needing to EXPEND it. As in moving my butt and myself and getting things done, rather than sitting and dwelling and stewing and conserving.
It all dawned on me in the wee hours when I couldn’t sleep due to pondering all that it growing on my list of things to do. Mostly I have been fretting about it all and feeling impotent and overwhelmed, rather than just tackling the stuff. Just as our bodies are inherently meant to move and we are wired to accomplish things, so am I wired to deal with what is on my plate, rather than just endlessly shuffle it around, as I have been. I now feel so reinvigorated at such a simple concept as “just do it!” that I KNOW that this is just what the doctor ordered. And, I have already tackled a few things, including planning of a few major spring and summer events, and shooting off some long overdue e mails.
Yesterday I saw a brilliant and observant young man (client) who is legally blind and in a wheelchair due to severe cerebral palsy. He suffers from a virulent anxiety disorder, asnd when we talk, he often refers to underlying feelings of impotence as the source. Unable to use his body, he is left to observe the world around him from the sidelines, and rely on systems and bureaucracies and his parents and such to provide him care and meet his needs. Imagine how it must feel to have to count on others for so much, and what a design flaw it is for individualtion and the likes, to be a young and bright adult, yet need your parents to tend to so much for you. How could someone NOT be anxious when the mind is so capable and connected to everything local and global, yet the body (and eyes) cannot perform even the most basic of tasks.
I mention this as I feel that I have not been using the resources I am so fortunate to have to allay my own anxiety and master my own world more effectively. I have been indulging the wrong parts of my being, and letting my energy be siphoned off through laziness and hedonism. Not because I can’t move and am unable to tackle my affairs more effectively, but because I had unconsciously chosen not to. And now that I recognize this and the toxicity of it, I have awoken truly motivated and energetic for the first time in ages. And have much to do. And already I feel in better balance, less tired and less anxious than I can remember. And I am ready to show my profound gratitude to the cosmos that my body and mind CAN do what I ask of them and that in this way I am more fortunate than many!
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Weight: 182.4 lbs.
Eeek! I got up late, couldn’t move, and now am off to such a late start that I’ve got to cut this short. Not that I have anything to say anyway, mind you.
I was on the phone for hours last night with my sister-in-law in Iowa and had a delightful talk…but think I am paying the price in getting off to bed too late, and then having even wierder dreams than usual all night. Paulette, you’d get a kick out of one of them, because it found a way to incorporate everything we talked about into a bizarre plot..and now has me thinking that the whole family, including mom, are stuck on the cliff of a volcano such that arrangements for mom’s belated mass no longer matter. We’re about to ride our styrofoam boat out to sea on a wave of lava and will be just fine.
God I need some “real” sleep!! I can’t wait to see what the sleep study doctor says on Monday….I now think my machine is blowing me full of delusions and hot air. Or come to think of it, maybe its me unraveling….
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Weight: 182.7 lbs.
(I wish my title was referring to my weight. At least the “go” part, anyway!)
I had Tom wake me this morning at 5:45 am and although I went to bed at 9:00, could hardly even mutter to him when he said it was time. He went off to take his shower, and I fell back asleep.
Isn’t nearly 9 hours enough?! And I keep having vivid dreams that I am in the middle of when wake up time comes. And they are usually much more interesting than my real life, and then I yearn to be in them until they finally wear off.
Sigh. I am either going crazy or I just need to sleep a few straight days in a row and get it over with.
Today is supposed to be sunny and in the 50’s and I have mixed feelings about this. I have like 10 clients in a row and work early to late…so will only be able to enjoy it all out my window. Which is lovely, but not quite the same as feeling the sun on my face. Which I desperately feel that I need. Or something.
I do take solace in hearing everyone else sound just like I do, so at least as far as Buffalonians go, I know that I am not the only one suffering from the doldrums. For good or bad.
The other thing making me weary and grumpy is a long, disparaging issue with the IRS. We have had our state tax returned of (drum roll here!) $48 garnisheed, and accompanied by a letter saying that we owed $102 more. Not a ton of money, but confusing and upsetting because they are apparently referring to a tax error from 2008 that they say we never corrected. Even though in June of last year we already sent them another 2 checks equalling $150 when we first discovered then that we were supposedly remiss. And thought that this fixed it.
So now it remains unclear just what we are getting socked over, and penalized for. I have had to leave Tom to try and clear this up while he is home during the day, and unfortunately, his calls to the state and our tax advisor seem to have only made the issue more confusing. In my opinion, anyway. Basically we are being beaten into submission and have sent the money, but I still have no real clarity over why, nor any reassurance that this won’t continue to go on forever. The worst part is is that they don’t ever tell you that you owe them in the first place, and then add penalties and fees way after the fact and you only know this when you get out a cryptic letter that is far from clear about why you owe what you do. In this way the state may as well be an armed bandit saying to hand over your cash “because I said so”…and gets away with it. I mean I know that New York is broke and all, but geez!!
And speaking of which, I had better move my weary buns and get off to make some money to pay for such things…. We also have mega medical bills coming in an average of 3 a week, the bill for the 4 tires I needed, and what will be a large amount for all the car work I need done on Monday. As well as my follow up sleep study office visit, which is not a covered service at all.
I guess in this way we are also no different than New Yorkers or Americans either. Sigh….
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Weight: 182.3 lbs.
I am hovering weight wise, and don’t really mind for now, as long as I don’t gain much. Tom and I ate out at Applebees last night and I ate a way too big roasted chicken and salad dish, so am lucky to not have bloated up a pound or twenty. I remain complacent at too high of a weight, but can’t seem to muster up the wherewithall or energy or concern or whatever to do much about it. Someone I ran into recently who had the surgery around the time I did, said that she is feeling similarily. She is down 10 lbs. lighter than me, albeit a little shorter and having started in the mid 200’s…but looks skinny and good and also spoke of feeling content for now. Perhaps it is a manifestation of the times. As in about two years out from surgery. Of course, I started feeling this way some time ago, so maybe it kicks in earlier for some. I’ll have to troll the boards some day when I have time and see if this is a topic. Hmmmm….
In any event, I remain more weary than I would like and am finding it increasingly hard to get up in the morning…but otherwise remain in decent spirits once I am up and about. I notice that I am dreaming more lately too, and am not sure what this is about. Then when I do get up, I have that fuzzy feeling of still being in the dream and where reality blurs with la la land and it is hard to be sure what is real until it all wears off. For instance, this morning, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not on a plane with my friend Sue, and I DO have to get ready for work because I am not on vacation after all! Damn!
And speaking of which, I have put in to take a week off in April that will be in concert with Tom’s birthday and the week he gets off automatically for spring break. I nearly never take time off in chunks like this except to travel, and even then am relatively conservative about this because I am per diem, and lose a weeks pay just thinking about being off! Plus, it is always a nightmare getting back to work after a decent amount of time away, and this tends to negate any benefits of being off.
But, I really need something to look forward to and some time to get many things accomplished, and now can’t wait. Tom and I have already partly filled the calendar, so I am sure that I won’t be bored. On the other hand, I desperately hope for some major R & R, so will try hard not to swing too far into doing mode that I don’t get time to ponder life.
But, whatever way you slice it, its better than my current pace, and I am thrilled that I thought of it. And treading water until then….
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Weight: 182.4 lbs.
I am so lucky to keep having more chances to get on track. Not that I always grab the life preserver or ring thrown to me…but at least I keep having this option. And one day, will do right by it.
Like many, I have gotten caught up in watching tragedies unfolding all over the globe, and especially in Japan, of course. It is so sobering and unspeakably sad, and certainly puts my paltry issues and problems into perspective.
I am especially taken by the grace and composure and decency of the Japanese people under duress, and how this contrasts (sadly) to the uncivilized, antisocial and entitled behaviors of many Americans when faced with similar tragedy and unrest.
So today I am feeling in no position to ramble about my stupid concerns, struggles to lose a pound or two, weariness or challenges. I can always do better and work with all that I have to make things more right.
I’d rather take a moment to wish the same for those less fortunate who are facing far greater challenges….with perhaps fewer opportunities to succeed. And sadly, this is so many, from near and far, that it will take many wishes to cover them all!
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Weight: 182.3 lbs.
Aghhh..I am exhausted! When I got home at 5:18 am this morning sporting a gooey mohawk, rumpled and practically in a coma, I immediately greeted Tom like a zombie, and then headed straight for bed. I’ve managed to get a “nap” in, but had to get up to do this and prepare for work. I feel weary and fuzzy headed and as if I spent the night at a concentration camp instead of a sleep study.
Although I had done it before, I did forget what a jarring experience it is. The lady I was assigned to was nice and all, and in fact we talked bariatrics and weight, but I still felt a little like she was my executioner. I was wired and hooked up every conceivable place, then asked to shuffle to and into bed. It is funny how they say that you can sleep in any position, even when doing so requires great finesse to not pull wires out and cause her overly loud voice to suddenly appear in the “box” by your bedside. As it did many other times, such as when I had to pee at 1:30 am and followed my directions to merely sit up if I needed anything. It is so wierd to think that someone is watching you closely enough to immediately speak: “I’ll be right there!” at you from another room and into that box. I felt self conscious and silly, and worried that I was waking the two others having their studies in nearby rooms. As they had awoken me so many times themselves due to very poor soundproofing for a sleep center.
All told, I think that I didn’t fall asleep until after I peed (about 2:00 am), and even then only drifted in and out at best. I do think that I had a bried wierd dream at one point, but mostly kept hearing noises from the other rooms and in the hall that woke me any time I even approached unconsciousness.
What a design flaw! On the other hand, years ago when I had my first study (at a different center), I had such yet untreated apnea that I could have slept through anything (and in fact was, which was the point of the study in the first place!) I do believe that at that time I slept solidly the whole time, except like last night, for the times when THEY awoke me to reattach wires and the like. Last time they also fitted me with a c-pap halfway through, but last night they did not. I am hoping that this may mean that in fact I have outgrown the whole thing, as she and I had discussed before the test. My sleep number is now down to a “5″, and she told me that this is the lowest it can go so if the few pounds I lost since it was recalibrated to a “5″ matters, than I may in fact no longer need it.
I will have to wait until next Monday when I meet with the doctor to see. I plan to ask for a copy of the test itself too, as I have my last one and would like to compare them.
The best part of last night was talking to the woman who wired me. She readily told me that she weighs 260 lbs, having lost 22 lbs. recently after going on the first diet of her life. She is very young, but also has type I diabetes and numerous other health problems. She told me that she had a consultation with our local bariatric center and my surgeon, and although would likely be approved for surgery, has decided to try and lose on her own instead. She acknowledged that she has never really put an effort into doing so, and besides this being a supposed requirement for surgery, she believes that she isn’t worthy of getting the operation until she can prove that she is even capable of following some kind of program and putting in some kind of effort. She even admitted that up until recently she was drinking only sugared pop, despite being a diabetic. The poor thing obviously has a ways to go, and I felt somewhat motherly with her, and encouraged healthy habits with the back up of future surgery should typical steps fail in the long haul like when she is older.
With the funny irony of course being that I am no exemplary case of compliance myself…although she made me look like Jack LaLane by the time we were done chatting!
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Weight: 182.5 lbs.
Note to self: Don’t attend the Home Show with more than one other individual in the future. Although we got on the road early for it, the fact that we went with 2 very different woman (sisters) meant that between the tastes of the 4 of us, someone or another was interested in just about every stand, and we ended up being there for way more time than I had imagined. Count in time for getting to and from, parking, getting snookered out of money by a seemingly destitute man, and then eating out afterwards, and our daytime plans blended right into our evening plans, actually made us an hour late. But, it was all a good time, and mercifully, I DID have the stamina to remain extraverted and social throughout. The girls didn’t leave until late and until we had talked and laughed ourselves to exhausted.
And ate way too much. We went to Panos for lunch, and I was so starving from the long day and nibbling free samples of crap at the Home Show, that I ordered both the chili and a falafel sandwich. I didn’t plan to, but I ate all of both! Plus bites of Tom’s rice pudding which is the best anywhere there.
Then, thankfully, Debbie offered to bring a salad and some hummus and chips and such to the evenings gathering rather than us eating or ordering out. Rose and Tom and I had already figured that we’d just order soup or something if compelled to do so, so it was especially great for us to have stuff here to pick and choose at. I still ate more than made sense given how much I had for lunch, but everything Debbie brought was so good, plus the muffins Janet brought, that I stuffed myself anyway. Not smart, but it all sure was timely and tasty!
Now tonight is the sleep study and I am not allowed caffeine past 3:00. I will also eat lighter if for no other reason than to not sleep in front of strangers on a full stomach. If I had had the test last night I would have felt twice the size from bloat!
It was funny, as a sidebar, that right after the girls left, Tom and I noticed a cop car on the street out our door. He was standing in the road and seemed vigilant. While the girls were here, we talked about getting tickets and such, as Rose just had gotten one for not wearing her seatbelt, and someone else has an expired inspection sticker. How funny then for them to run right into a cop practically outside our door. Then, Janet called me as soon as she got home to say that there were three more cops hunkered down just down our block, and when everyone purposely drove the back route to avoid the one just out the door, they ran into these three instead. No one got pulled over or anything, but apparently the police were looking for an escaped somebody or another who jumped out of their car and ran away in our neighborhood. I slept with my clothes on just in case they were hiding in our yard or something, especially after Tom said that our back security light had gone and stayed on for no apparent reason!
But at least it seems thay weren’t here for any of us, including me for eating myself to death with suicide being a crime…so I guess its safe to say that we are out of the woods and all of us have second chances for eating better and getting inspected!
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Weight: 182.3 lbs.
What a joy to feel human again! A few days ago Janet and Debbie had both called and asked about getting together at some point over this weekend. I was feeling so depleted and horrible that I couldn’t imagine adding one more thing to my schedule, especially as I feared that I wouldn’t have the emotional or physical stamina to withstand even something fun.
Now, last night, I called both of them back plus Rose, and have invited the whole crowd over this evening, and after the daytime Home Show that Tom and I are scheduled to attend. I feel glad now for these plans, look forward to my friends, and have no qualms any longer about my energy level. I am back to “normal”, such as this is for the likes of me!
From this, I am learned to not underestimate the power of hormones, especially as I am getting older. In talks with friends about this, I am repeatedly hearing how they can wreak havoc, and how much worse things do tend to get as we near menopause. It is truly a Jeykll and Hyde thing for me, that is if Jekyll also got depressed while acting murderously, and I will have to remind myself that “this too shall pass” if I get this funky again.
Now I am not even dreading tomorrow night’s sleep study as much as I was, although I do have a healthy amount of apprehension about the whole affair. And of course, to make things more anxiety provoking, I am scheduled to work the first Monday in years this week, and I never would have scheduled a study overnight on a Sunday had I known that this would occur. On the other hand, I don’t have to report until Monday afternoon (for an evening staff meeting etc.), so I suppose that if I am grunchy from the experience, I may still have some time to nap here afterwards. They kick you at at 5:30 am, so its not like I will be spending the day there Monday anyway. And I will be released with goo in my hair from the electrode thingies and possibly leftover patches elsewhere…so I am also sure that I will be eager to shower and recover when I have returned. Fun, wow!
But, at least I am entering into what has geared up to be a typically busy weekend, with improved spirits. I may even catch my breath in time for the work week, and possibly consider looking past the small picture and short term, to bigger goals and needs.
Or not…. For right now, I think I’m satisfied taking small bites and focusing narrowly. There will be time to become expansive and all of that, later. And this plan makes me perfectly happy!
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March 21st, 2011 | 
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