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Weight: 183.6 lbs.
I am teetering on the edge of insanity. Or so it feels. My head is so full of so much at home and at work, it has been keeping me up at night and stressing me in the day. I think that I have “signed” up for too many spring and summer events and projects, and I will need to be on my best game to pull them all off. I rather wish that they all came now, as at least I could mobilize today and get going. Instead, they are spread out and I can now only fuss and worry and lay groundwork, rather than do, and this is killing my mind.
I am referring to things like our big May garage sale, the cat clubs June garage sale, Tom’s mother’s memorial for which over 40 people are due back to our house for brunch afterwards, Pete’s annual show that a lot of friends want to come to this year and said they’d get back to me about, Tom’s sisters visit from Florida for a week in less than 2 weeks, our summer cottage rental, and later, trip to Iowa. Each activity takes organizing and planning for, including things like borrowing and setting up a large tent that a friend has offered us for the garage sale and memorial, keeping an accurate head count for all the activities, and doing tons of spring cleaning and prep work to make sure the place, and we, and our possessions (in the case of the sales) are ready. Plus on Monday I am having an antique dealer over to peruse our stuff, and need to dig more things out between now and then. And if he does buy a lot of it, this will leave more space in the garage for me to find ordinary things to sell on May 14th. So far, a half dozen friends are joining in, and I expect to hear back from more as well. If you are around, stop by as there will be lots of crap for the asking!!! And I need it all gone so there will be room in the garage for PEOPLE on the 27th (memorial day)!!!
But, the moral of the story is that between persistent job stress and all my home fussing, I am not handling everything as well as I’d like. I wish that I was one of those cool, collected people who could juggle a million responsibilities without anyone even knowing because I had such an outward calm about me. But, I am not. Truth be told, I become an anxious, fretting mess, and although I can accomplish a lot and usually keep everything striaght, engendering compliments from everyone about how organized I am and how well I pulled whatever off, my perfectionism tends to kill me on the inside, AND I can become ornery. Which is really a way of saying that although I am good at multi-tasking, I prefer to not be hit up with it and I do better with less on my plate.
It will be interesting to see how issues of eating and diet play out, especially as I get into even fuller swing. I am probably doomed unless I learn new ways quickly, of dealing with stress. And, so far, so bad!
My only hope is that March madness will somehow evolve into April sanity. I guess we’ll know tomorrow. And that May meltdown isn’t what follows!
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Weight: 183.8 lbs.
What a day yesterday! I got stuck at work until nearly 7:30 dealing with an incident involving one of my clients. The worst part about it is that it unfolded after 5:00, which both stranded me there, and left me without anyone to help me think it through or guide me as to how to note and/or report it. Even the people who we are told to call under such circumstances were unavailable, and never returned my calls. Now today I can only hope that worse things did not come of what occured when I finally decided to leave, and that I did the right things. There will be much more to do to follow up, and I am so weary I dread all of it. Plus I had to eat dinner (leftover chicken) so late that it sat in my gut at night, AND I had to bunch up my vitamins even though you are supposed to leave at least two hours between the calcium ones and the iron. I just didn’t have a full two hours unless I stayed up on purpose just to take my pills right.
Then, Tom managed to keep me up most of the night by being restless himself. Several times he got up to do this or that, with the worst example being a 3:00 am decision to check on Spice in the next room, as he thought he heard her scratching or something. When he opened her door, she ran out and under our bed, and then he spent time trying to get her back out, while I was stewing in the background from lack of sleep and the trauma he seemed to unnecessarily be causing her (and me!) I convinced him to feed her her breakfast in an attempt to entice her out through psychology, and this finally worked. But by then, I was wide awake and had a stomach and a headache, and was too keyed up to sleep. Of course I did finally fall back asleep probably around 4:30, dreamt that I was abandoned by a carload of friends while in Toronto and had to try and walk home all uphill, and then was awoken 15 minutes later by Tom’s alarm. Which he proceeded to hit the snooze button on, prompting me to say that I was going to smack him if he did it one more time. I feel as if I got several MOMENTS of sleep all broken up between Tom’s antics, and today am running on fumes. With major crap to contend with at work.
And do feel as if I truly walked uphill all night and still never reached my destination.
Sigh…
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Weight: 184.2 lbs.
It sucks to have my weekly weight comparison be on a Tuesday. Especially when I often blow it out on Mondays, as I did yesterday. Tom and I ate a pre-cooked chicken from Tops, and it was so salty I chased it with several glasses of crystal light. Without even waiting the requisite amount of time to drink. I was so thirsty I couldn’t stand it! Which tells you how salty the food was. I am therefore hoping that at least a few ounces of my weight gain is fluid…but still my own damn fault for eating stupidly, once again. And, truth be told, there is probably NO good day to weight me anymore.
On that happy note, I am off to a long day of work, with an interesting errand to run on my way in. It has to do with the weekend of sorting through Kris’ papers and photos and such. Mixed in with them all were tons of personal papers, including hand typed “manuscripts” from a mystery woman, whose name was on everything. She made liberal mention of her son and other personal things, and I know that if it were me, I would be heart broken to have “lost” so many things.
It reminds me all over again how mad I was at Kris’ facility for packing up her stuff so poorly. How another resident’s things got all mixed in is even beyond me, however. Anyway, the stuff sat, unsorted, in Pete’s attic until this weekend. But now that I have gone through it all, I have both e mailed Kris’ sister in Japan (who we had lost touch with years earlier) and contacted the head of the facility where Kris was, to see about reuniting people or their families with such mementos.
The facility manager said that he has been there for over a dozen years, so would remember Kris who moved out in 2004. “Anna” too. Although he couldn’t really tell me anything due to hipaa, he did acknowledge that “Anna” has a local son (who I read about) and that he could locate him and see if he’d like her things. It is unclear whether “Anna” herself is still alive or not. But the manager was intrigued, helpful and nice, and clearly sentimental enough himself that he was grateful (and apologetic!) that we held onto the items and that I would drop them off this morning.
I hope that that it turns out well….
But, either way, I couldn’t just discard someone’s personal things, and I feel better for knowing that I tried.
Now if only I could be as dedicated to my own affairs!!
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Weight: 183.9 lbs.
Eek..I am hovering near 184 lbs.! I have held onto the weight I gained from my low, and have little current hope to get back down. Although I don’t care so much about these few lbs., I have a sickening feeling that this may be the tip of the iceberg or what I will continue to face, if I don’t get my thinking in line with my eating. I continue to make excuses for poor choices, and eat pretty much whatever I want. At yesterday’s fund raiser I tried several different foods, including their homeade desserts. Why I didn’t also go into “shock” is beyond me, and proves how one day I can get away with eating loads of carbs and sugar and be fine, and another I can sniff something “white” and become a drooling mess.
Anyway, I feel yucky this morning likely due to how badly I ate, and am very grateful for the day off. I still have more laundry to do and calls to make and fussing, but not the whirlwind of activity that the weekend was. Its pretty bad when you have to wait for a WEEKDAY for a break! Ha Ha!
After today the week will gear up, especially at work, for me. I need to be sure to clear my head in time. Whatever that means.
And, as I am approaching the last month of blogging here, I must make time to post photos and the like so that I end with a bang.
Betcha can’t wait…. Ha Ha again. And now my short term goal is that when I do take shots of myself next month, they are the lowest weight me that I can be, and not the one who seems to be going back up in weight an ounce or two at a time. Because a pictuere of a 300 lb. (or even 200 lb!) me on April 28th would not only really suck, but nullify all that I have hoped to achieve both in my life, and in those who read here!!!
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Weight: 183.7 lbs.
Which if I were eating right, I shouldn’t be doing… But, since I’m not talking about eating, I guess that its ok!
I am talking about how wired I am. It is just after 5:30 am on a Sunday and I have been up for a half hour and well into the laundry. I put a load of Kristine’s clothes in, as we plan to visit her at the psych center today and the items I choose for her out of Pete’s attic last night, smelled like yuk. When she decompensated about 5 years ago and had to move from her apartment and into the psych center, the place where she lived packed up all of her worldly possessions into large hefty bags, and left them for us, the only people in her life, to take away. They threw food in with papers and photos and her precious stuffed animals and her clothes. By the time we picked her stuff up, it was a rotty drippy mess, and we had to throw a lot out. That which we didn’t, we stored in Pete’s attic, and haven’t gotten back to until now. We figure that she might like to be reunited with a few of her things, so chose some clothes, a stuffed animal and a fanny pack to give her. But, they do smell icky still, so I feel compelled to launder everything as we can’t be sure that the center will do this or how it all works over there. Hopefully they will even allow her her stuff. On the phone they said just a few things, and I may have already broken that rule!
Anyway, the point is that there is much to do today and since it took first many hours in Pete’s attic to repack stuff, and then all night here to sort some I brought back to go through (papers and photos and such), I ran out of time for anything else. And this includes that I had to cancel my later plans with friend Nancy as I got so waylaid by this project that by the time I reconnected with her, it was too late and we decided to throw in the towel.
And now today, we want to add visiting Kris to our list, but it is right on our way to pick up our friend Rose on the west side, as we head to the all day fundraiser in Hamburg with her. Corky and Phyllis are meeting us there, as are Joe and Kathy. I look forward to it, but feel a little boxed in by all there is to accomplish.
Plus, yesterday I walked Hertel ave. with a few antiques and old books, and was thrilled that shop owners liked the stuff, and pockeeted $120 from it! Even better, one antique store owner gave me his business card and seems very excited about coming over to see all the rest. He bought everything I brought, so he seems into the funky stuff that we own and would probably otherwise undersell at our garage sale. I need now to find time to contact and get him over, and think of what else he may be interested in.
Also, Tom and I may have made some headway finding a kitty sitter as Corky’s daughter said she might, so we need to get her over here to meet little Spice and see if she feels the love and really means it. And, we made great progress with planning Tom’s mother’s memorial service for May, and the numbers keep growing. We seem to now be up past 40 for the amount of people who will attend the brunch afterwards, and due to this, have had to rethink its location. To his sister’s relief now, we have gone back to figuring on having it here, and this makes sense as we are closer to the church and the cemetary and have more space in and out doors to accomodate people. I hope!
But…as you can see, my mind is on overdrive and I have so many projects and plans going on all at once, that I am about to combust. Certainly I am having trouble feeling very loungy or leisurely these days, but I suppose this is a good thing given my slug fest of winter. I seem also to have way more energy since I stopped sleeping with the c-pap, and do have to wonder what this is all about. Especially since now that I can hear Tom at night, I realize with chagrin what a snorer HE is, and this can keep me up if I am restless.
Lucky for us both we get up so bloody early, I suppose, although if this weren’t so I could be trying to get in more beauty rest now that he is out of bed. Except that the tv he now has on is even worse than any snoring…!
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Weight: 183.8 lbs.
My weight remains higher than my low of near 182…and I can’t seem to get back down to this let alone lose lower. Although given my attitude, appetite and choices this shouldn’t be a surprise. Plus last night Tom and I ate out with friends and went to Bob Evans where I ate part of a cheeseburger. I did at least order the veggies and a salad with it…but admit that there were still better choices than this. Then, I ate the remainder, minus the bun, for this morning’s breakfast. Not only do I eat poorly, but I am wierd!
Tom and I are out the door soon, as despite the frigid weather and weeks snow, there is a garage sale slated for down the road, and then we have some errands to run. Then, I am off to meet Pete at noon to help clear out his attic where some items are still left behind of our Compeer Kris’ that need tending to. Apparently Pete has bats in his attic as well as his belfry, and he needs to clean and clear in order to seal the space up more effectively. After this, I plan to pick up my friend Nancy who lives nearby, and we are headed to a downtown bookstore that I have hopes may buy the “antique” books that I fear underselling at our garage sale. I am leaving Tom at home as he would probably hate most of what we do and he has other things he needs to tend to….
Then tomorrow is the big fundraiser for the cat charity that we support, and I hope to schmooze around and perhaps find some leads as to who might watch Spice in home while we are away this summer. So far we have had no viable offers and we are getting worried about what we will do with her when gone. Gingerbread can still be watched by our neighbors in our own home, but Spice is too needy and vulnerable for this.
What I don’t have scheduled this weekend is anything dietary or exercise focused, as I continue to just live my life like a “normal” busy person and get caught up in the hectic pace of trying to keep it all together. When I look ahead at our spring and summer calendar I can’t believe how already booked up it is either. I am grateful every day for my better energy and newfound mobility such that I can accomplish as much as I do, and hope not to forget from where I came. So far in the bariatric process this is where I am at and ok with it as I live pretty fully every day, and without major emphasis on the requirements for staying at this lower weight. This is a gamble on my part and one that I may lose, but one that at least for now that I have chosen despite the potential for it to backfire. I’d like to think that if I saw myself progressing back down a slippery slope that I would then address what I need to, and hope that this is true. I do wonder if a few pound weight regain, especailly while still technically obese should warrant such attention…but guess that I am just not alarmed enough now to see it this way or react accordingly.
Which may make many cringe and sign off, and others nod their heads knowingly. Which one are you…?
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Weight: 184.0 lbs.
I’m still gaining and feel out of control with my habits. I didn’t think that I ate that bad or that much yesterday, but apparently and according to my weight, I did. I may be on a slippery slope to gaining and have probably lost all bariatric advantage at nearly two years out.
And speaking of which, the anniversary of my surgery is almost an exact month away. And I plan to celebrate the occassion (April 28th) by writing my final entry here! Yup…I am winding down my site. I have been thinking about this and have consulted friends and others for a while, and have decided that I am no longer fresh (or perhaps never was!) and have run out of relevent material for the likes of a bariatric blog. Other than my weight and mood swings, reactive hypoglycemia and struggles with diet and exercise, I am clearly doing basically ok and not really very focused in my life and in this blog on bariatric concerns any more. I think that I am in a holding pattern and resting on my laurels, and content to do so for the most part. Sure I’d like to lose (much) more and embrace a new relationship with food and exercise, but unless I clearly make a conscious effort to do so, it just isn’t going to happen right now. Making this site that much more useless for anyone who comes here for motivation or encouragement. In fact, I have referrred to myself as the “antichrist” of bariatrics, and my blog as the same. I certainly think that some who have critisized me and here, harshly, believe so. Others have been more supportive and understanding, and even more have found comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their journeys with personal demons. Mostly I have been complimented on my candor and willingness to discuss the “taboo” subjects regarding motivation and complacency.
What most don’t probably know, is the amount of work and time that a blog takes. In fact, I often forgo other morning things to make this a priority and be sure to fit it in before I have to run to work. Even more difficult at times, is being somewhat fluent or creative at 6:00 am when my head is fuzzy and my eyes are still glued shut. And the cat is walking all over me and the keyboard, vying for attention.
In this sense, I will be greatly relieved to have more morning time for other things, and perhaps even exercise! I mean, it will free up to an hour of prime time, and regardless of whether I use it constructively or not, I can tell that I will feel less rushed and pressured. And with the wierd requirement following surgery in which you shouldn’t eat and drink at the same time, I am often hard pressed to fit my morning coffee in and my breakfast, whiile still leaving an hour between the two. I do drink while I blog, but if I have to be in early or get up even a little late, I am forced to eat breakfast only moments after, and with a gut full of coffee.
The final “reason” I will be glad to wind down, is that less people comment here, and I have seen many loyal readers drop off through time. I have to assume that some are “voting” with their feet, and have decided that this site or myself, are not what they hoped and have moved on. Although I understand that not everyone has time or patience to be a lifetime and loyal reader and commenter, I do often feel lately that I am writing to air, and wonder what the point is. The reality is that through the invention of a program called google analytics, I have been able to see who and from where my readers are, and there are actually many scattered throughout the world. I enjoy seeing that people from far away places have at least found this site and checked it out, and some seem to be regulars. NM actually has a relative following, has been noted in a book in the “Idiots” series, and has the following of many of my close friends who never have to ask me what I am up to anymore, as they can read all about it here. When we do talk, they often reflect on what they read that Tom and I did, and I never have to question how they knew! These may sound like the good things about having a forum to blather, but sometimes not really. As this also can create dilemnas in which people know too much, or where I at times have the odd sensation that I may be offending one friend by gathering with another, where my life can feel like too much of an open book, where I know that even my co-workers (some of whom read here) know my daily weight, and where my candor may be taken wrong. Also, when going through major works issues recently, I wrote about them because they effected my mood and sleep and eating and journey, but I had to be cryptic because of the sensitive nature of the problem. I often feel torn about how to word things, and worry that the wrong person may check in and take offense or not appreciate the tongue and cheek nature of my writing style. And from some comments I’ve gotten and deleted before posting here, this clearly has occurred, moreso in the past then recently. Also, hundreds of spam messages find their way to my comment board, and require diligence on my part to ferret out and delete on a daily basis. How penis enlargement has anything to do with gastric bypass is beyond me as far as why someone thinks that I would approve of and post it here! I guess that it is all automated, but makes the problem even bigger due to the high volumn of spam that comes in on a regular basis.
So…it will be with some sadness and melancholy but also relief, that there is about a month left here. I have told my “sponsors” and brother (administrator) so they won’t have to find out here, and Roy has said that the site can remain up and inactive, but soon after stopping, google won’t connect to it so no new people will have access unless they know its exact address. Whatever.
I know that in its last month, I will push to become more relevent and exciting here, and will post new pics of the “end” of my 2 year journey. I truly welcome thoughts and feedback especially in this last month, and hope some long lost readers or those who read but have never written, will speak up here. And, in the short term, I will be back tomorrow!
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Weight: 183.6 lbs.
My tummy hurts becasue I am stupid and ate 2 bowls of air popped popcorn before bed last night. I can still feel the kernels attacking me. I had it sprinkled with a little parmesan cheese, some spray butter and hot sauce. I know that I am wierd. It sure was tasty at the time, and rounded off my dinner of a Healthy Choice entree. Not such a healthy choice after all however!
Plus, during the day, I ate a strawberry and granola filled yogurt that had been left from our casino excursion and purchased with “free” casino money when we were last there. I had brought it to work and ate the whole thing on “lunch” break. I put “lunch” in italics because I don’t really get a lunch break, so lunch or snack or whatever is just whenever I may have a moment between clients. Anyway, as is typical of my hypoglycemia, I tanked about two hours later, or right during one of my afternoon sessions. My eyesight got all wierd and my tongue numb, and I started making even less sense than usual. It is a horrible feeling of being possessed and almost being able to view oneself from a distance. Luckily I was winding down the session, although I had another client waiting. Interestingly, the next client has a seizure disorder and comes to session with her helping dog who helps detect them and tends to her if she is having problems. I was worried that he might sense MY altered state and get all barky or something. I asked the staff and the client who brought her to wait a moment, and quickly downed whatever sweet items I could find. Unfortunately for my co-worker Nancy, she came to ask me a question in these brief moments, and I wasn’t hardly able to register the question, let alone answer it. She gave me her orange, but it is still sitting on my desk as by then I had plied myself with so much candy, that I feared a rebound if I ate anymore sugar. Which, once I recovered enough to go through the motions with this client, I did in fact suffer, and had to “rinse and repeat”. I am not sure if I am terminally stupid and bringing this on myself, or if I am sensitive at only certain times or to certain combinations or quantities of foods, such that one day I can be fine on a certain item, and the next it could seemingly kill me. I didn’t think that this same yogurt product that I’ve eaten so many times before would do this to me.
So, today I guess that I have to be that much more careful, whatever that means, and stick with just pure protein foods, I suppose. I will likely pack a cheese stick or two and my typical south beach bar. And I always have nuts in my drawers. No pun intended!
I do feel funky already today and even had a hard time sleeping, but I imagine that it is the gut full o’ popcorn that did it. And why I didn’t tank on it is beyond me, seeing as it is a pure starch and all.
But, I will try to ensure that today is a better day all around, including weather wise, I hope. Although obviously I have no control over nature, I certainly can hope that it doesn’t like “blizzard” as it seemed to yesterday, especially as the snowblower was boxed in by tables and items all ready set for our spring garage sale. Clearly indicating that WE have moved on from winter mode, and expect nature to do the same!
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Weight: 183.4 lbs.
There is a winter storm warning today and it has already snowed enough to be all white out! Somehow I am sure that I am to blame because I had my snow tires taken off on Monday. Kind of like washing your car and making it rain!
Blechhh! I wonder where I put my snow brush…. I think I left it in the garage from when Tom hand washed the cars on Sunday. A study in contrasts!
And speaking of garage, it is getting full with garage sale stuff, and no longer fits the cars. Or just about anything. I got an e mail this morning from old friends wanting to join in our sale this year, making it 5 families already that have expressed such an interest. I have chosen the date of May 14th…early because I want to donate the leftovers to the Ten Lives Cat Club sale on June 4th, and because Tom’s mother’s long overdue memorial is set for May 28th, and I’d love the garage to be clear by then. And my head.
But, having it so early means a lot of work soon, including the appraisal of a lot of antiques. I have three stores chosen to run the stuff around to and get prices on, but very little time to do this in. My friend Nancy has said that she’d like to join me, but jiving our time may make this even more impossible of a task.
Ack…part of me wants the lazy days of winter back. Bite my tongue…and by looking out the window today, I may have gotten my wish. And clearly don’t really want it at all!!
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Weight: 183.6 lbs.
I’m borderline and proud of it! The kind that means that I no longer need to wear my c-pap!
I had my sleep study follow up appointment yesterday and was given a copy of the results. We reviewed these in detail, and I learned that I had 5.1 episodes of hyponeas and apneas while on my side, and 12.3 episodes while sleeping on my back. She said that 5.1 is the average for everyday people, as to some degree, everyone has some episodes. The 12.3 is a little high and puts me in the very mild range of apnea, but not necessarily enough to warrant the use of a machine. She suggested that I simply attempt to sleep on my side and practice overall good sleep hygiene (ie: going to bed and awakening about the same times each night), and trying not to gain weight. The first may be an easier task than the latter these days, although now I have that much more incentive. How cool to have now outgrown the last of my obesity induced medical problems!! I told her that through my blog networks and research I had heard that not many people and even those who have gotten to goal weight, seem to outgrow apnea. She said that she has seen it several times, but only in those whose condition is not genetic or caused by factors other than obesity, of course. Apparently this was the sole cause of my condition. And my breathing would improve even further should I (ever!) succeed in getting even more weight off. And deteriorate should I regain.
A sobering thought. And especially scary lately as I have been eating like a lunatic. Yesterday I also had not one, but two hypoglycemic episodes. The first I tested at 65 and caught myself relatively early on the way down. I ate an orange to bring my levels back up, and then later tanked on the orange plus dinner (a turkey dog on whole wheat and some baked beans). I fell asleep in a puddle of drool and couldn’t be aroused until my levels rose. I was then hungry all over again, and it seems that this vicious cycle continued through both the day and evening. Clearly I am not eating well enough to sustain good and even levels, and putting myself in jeopardy health and weight wise. And MUST stop…!
Last night I did sleep without the c-pap as the first of what I hope will be forever nights. And I do feel very well rested and balanced this morning, which is the head start I hope for to try and get things more right for taking better self care. I do plan to think through my choices more carefully, and although I have a long day at work, I can pack decent snacks as I did shop recently, and we have ok stuff to choose from. And lots of nuts, which seem to be my biggest staple at work.
As to sleep, it will be interesting to see how I feel as time goes by. The doctor confirmed that it can be bad for you to sleep with a machine if you no longer need it, as it can cause another type of apnea triggered by the brain trying to make up for having too much oxygen. So although she said that it is up to me whether I use it on occasion, I am not taking chances, and have retired my good old c-pap for now. It is wierd how unused to Tom and household noises I have become, as I have become accustomed to only the gentle whooshing of my air flow. Last night, and especially this morning, I was acutely aware of Tom’s breathing, snoring, murmurs, cat doings, his alarm, household creaking, traffic outside and every other sound in the planet. Although I slept decently overall, I had forgotten how loud the world is!
So it is with a little melancholy that I put away my trusty machine and sleep again as the natives do. But, if I don’t get my eating in check, I am well aware that the gift of unencumbered sleep and the sounds that go with it, will be taken from me once again. My choice and my angst….And I must get it right!!!
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March 31st, 2011 | 
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