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Weight: 183.5 lbs.
I got home from work after 8:00 last night. Depleted, hungry, tired and wired. I have been a social worker for over 25 years now and think that I have become rather inurred to tragic stories, trauma, unspeakable sadness or the effects of hardship on people’s lives. But last night, after such a sad and hard day of hearing nearly unimaginable things and witnessing the undoing of good people, I came home with such a heavy heart that I just sat in silence for over an hour before I could come to bed. I ate my leftover salad for dinner, watched some mindless tv with Tom before he went to bed, and then just sat there. I can’t remember when I last did nothing in such a way. I feared that my mind would keep me up once I went to bed, but mercifully, I must have been so tired that I drifted off anyway. Although once again, I have woken too early, and still feel troubled this morning.
But, as I am struggling with various aspects of the work I do and my job itself, my friend has landed one of her own, and is slated to start next week. This makes two friends who have finally found new jobs in the last week or so, and is cause for great celebration in our circle! Both deserve to have fresh, new jobs that they enjoy and will thrive in, and hopefully it will be a long time, or never, before they get as burnt out or toasty as I have become.
And speaking of which, although I feel as if I just left, its time to head back for more today. My revised goal is to just make it through another day at this point, and I am sad to say that because typically I have much more passion and creativity when it comes to what I do. But a series of events there have led me to a darker place, and I just can’t seem to feel the love right now. This, plus feeling overwhelmed with a difficult client base and much drama with so many, has taken a toll and I can’t remember when I have felt this soured on my job. I hope this is just a phase that will pass with time, some R & R, a sit down with my supervisor this Friday, or something. Because if it doesn’t, I fear that I too may end up like my friends…on a long and frustrating quest for something that won’t crush me and instead will bring new light and energy into my soul, instead of darkness and hurt.
Sigh…. A mortuary job sounds shinier and lighter to me, right about now!
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Weight: 183.4 lbs.
I am lucky to not have gained much weight, considering that I ate out twice yesterday. I enjoyed breakfast with Sarah, and we sat for more than two hours catching up and telling tales. I ordered a Spanish Omelet, home fries and wheat toast…ate the omelet and a little bit o’ potatoes and a few bites of bread. Was delish, but not the best of my choices. Sarah is on weight watchers and was probably more careful than me, as she got her stuff “dry” and was mindful of points and such.
Afterwards I did hours of shopping, including grocery and two thrift stores. I found many thrift bargains, including some size 16 work pants and a few pairs of sweats that fit and make me happy! I stopped home for a minute before heading back out, and Tom had gotten me both flowers and candy and a sweet card for Valentine’s day, even though I tell him not to fuss and I don’t want candy and flowers make me sad. It was all a loving gesture though, and made me feel bad for only having gotten him a card with lottery tix in it, and a pair of thrift store jogging pants. Aren’t I romantic!? Although I must say that the $12 of lottery tickets made $15 in profits, and he was thrilled with the pants. And then went ahead and ate my chocolate heart! (Better him than me!)
Then I headed back out for more errands. When I finished with all this, it was nearly time for Tom to come home from work, and we had a date with Applebees. Except that once we got there I saw that the certificate we had said it was invalid on Valentine’s day…causing us to leave for Max’s instead. There we had $32 of free food, and ate it all. We shared a chili, and I got a salad that had chicken, apples, nuts, cranberries and the like in it. I was pretty full from the chili though, and took most of the salad home. I am contemplating bringing the leftovers to work, but fear that they may be too messy and unrefridgeratable, and a bad idea. I may settle on cheese sticks, yogurt and/or Atkins bars instead. I work until probably 7:30 or 8:00 pm tonight, so I also need to be sure that I have enough stuff to last this many hours. Last night after Max’s I felt my blood sugar dropping at home, but caught it before it got too serious. We were watching tv and my vision got all wierd and my tongue and lips went numb, and I started to get hugely thirsty and hungry, even though I had eaten only an hour or two earlier. I now recognize these as hypoglycemic symptoms, and was able to grab for some peanut butter and a few pretzels before I tanked. I am puzzled as to why this even happened though, as my dinner seemed perfectly reasonable and a good combo of protein and decent carbs. I am not aware of eating too much sugar or anything. Nor am I PMSing, which is what I though might be acting as a trigger.
So…I guess that the mystery continues, and eventually I will need to keep better track and learn more about this. I am a little worried about it happening at work or when I am out, and do carry glucose tabs on me now, but really hope to not get all puddley in a public setting or during a counseling session with a family or something. It makes my toes curl just thinking about the possibilities!
But, I must head out soon and hope for a good, albeit long day…and do my best to eat the way I think makes sense all around. And keep on truckin’ towards even better habits, including exercise, hopefully soon. Really…?!?!
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Weight: 183.3 lbs.
I’m up! I’ve been up since 4:30…even though I have the day off. I just can’t seem to get good sleep after about 3:00 am most days anymore, and I’m not really sure why. It started when I was super stressed at work a few weeks ago, and although things have subsided some there, I seem to have developed a toxic pattern that I now can’t shake. Of course, going to bed at or by 9:00 every night probably doesn’t help any, but at least it assures me some quality hours before I wake.
I am headed off to the grocery store on my way to meet an old friend, Sarah, for breakfast. I am hoping to get in the major shopping trip I never did pull off yesterday, and then I will be able to relax and enjoy catching up with Sarah that much more. After this, I also plan to hit the thrift stores to stock up on some sweats, as I had sold or given away all my fat clothes, and now find that I have no kickaround clothes anymore and have to resort to jeans even when I have a bum around day, like yesterday. Or, I simply stay in my jammies!
And speaking of clothes, one neat thing that both Tom and I did yesterday was clean out our closets. I owe this to my agency who is collecting old tee shirts for an art project for our disabled consumers. Between Tom’s and my closets, I found many to donate, as well as many x-lg of Tom’s that he no longer wears, but that I actually like and have now coveted for myself. Including some of my own that I probably had outgrown in the past, gave to him, and now have taken back. It’s cool to be able to fit them (although x-lg is still bigger than I hoped for!!), and as they are just tees, they haven’t really gone out of style or anything.
I also did many other household things yesterday, including 5 loads of laundry, cleaning out the firdge and freezer, cooking and eating up of old leftovers, and organizing crap in the basement. I also managed to burn the carrots that went from fresh to black with my cooking prowess, and forget about an item I set to thaw until it had turned to mush. Clearly I am still lacking in all things culinary, including acheiving the right dietary balance. I think that on some days if I didn’t start out with my morning eggs, that I’d hardly get protein in at all, and that if it weren’t for Healthy Choice meals, I may do nothing but graze. I still struggle with self discipline and focus, but hope by really, truly, finally shopping today, that I will stock up on foods that at least allow for this in the future. Meaning tomorrow, forward. Tonight Tom and I are eating out to celebrate “V” day, and it is the least we can do as neither of us cares much for flowers or candy or even the commercialism of the holiday. Truth be told, Tom is way more of a romantic than I have ever been, and even he isn’t one for being all gooey today. Applebees should be a fitting tribute to us, and they have a good diet menu, so it should be a good choice for us both.
Seeing as it is a Monday once again, and another chance to start fresh and better with “resolutions”. “V” day, or not!
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Weight: 183.7 lbs.
Yesterday was the kind of day I’ve been hoping for for a long time. We had tentative plans with Nancy and Charlie that got cancelled, and ended up with nothing to do. I have been yearning for a day o’ nothing for a long time, and figured on relaxing, catching up on household matters, and basically being a bum. We also had the neighbors over to introduce them to our “new” cat, Spice, as they will be sitting the cats next weekend when we are away.
So all was going perfectly, and Tom and I had settled into the lounge chairs and watched “The Blind Side” that I had taped off of our free three month trial of HBO. Ahhhhhh….
Except that this all got old and boring by about 1:00. And suddenly I could think of NOTHING to do, and the things I previously couldn’t wait to accomplish, including vegging, didn’t feel so cool anymore.
Yes, I was bored! I rarely get bored as I typically am wired for sound and am happy just being a fuss budget. But, yesterday was nice out, and the casino juices got flowing once Tom and I looked at each other and acknowledged that staying in the house all day wasn’t going to cut it after all. (And of course we couldn’t think of anywhere else to go to!)
Anyway, we headed out at about 1:30, and were back by 7:30. Quite a bit richer, I might add. Thanks to Tom and the hand pay jackpot he won…on the very machine that had kicked my behind earlier in the day. Apparently there is casino justice somewhere!
So now TODAY, I really do plan to focus and get things done and be good…including dietarily. All of our bad leftovers have been inhaled and are gone, and I have a long shopping list of healthy foods to stock up on today.
And lots of money in my pocket to shop with…! I guess that the moral of the story is that sometimes being bad can be good! Shhhhh….!!
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Weight: 183.7 lbs.
So one of our friends is still apparently in the home stretch as far as getting her job goes, but isn’t quite “soup” yet. As such, we all decided to stay in and save the big celebration dinner out for when both have confirmed jobs. Everyone voted to order pizza, which none of us have done (together) in ages. I must admit that it tasted heavenly, possibly becasue I haven’t had pizza in so long, and as we ordered from one of the best local joints around. I ate nearly two slices, got so stuffed it hurt, and went into a pizza coma for the rest of the night. This consisted of me struggling to stay awake, drifting off, and having everyone ask me if I was still alive every now and again. Not exactly great dinner company! Sorry everyone! I told you that I shouldn’t be allowed pizza, especailly in mixed company! I also think it isn’t helping that I have been having trouble sleeping lately, and find myself awake as early as 3:00 am every morning, just waiting for the ararm to ring. And last night was no exeption.
And this morning, I still have a pizza hangover. My tummy hurts and I feel like I ate an elephant instead. When will I ever learn…?!
In other health related news, Tom picked up my heart test results and I have now had a little time to look them over. For the most part, everything sounds normal and I am pleased to have passed my stress test with flying colors. However, under the “conclusion” section, after where it says things like: there is no evidence of ischemia and “normal EF of 66%, it does say: “trace mitral insufficiency and mild tricuspid insufficiency”. I took a minute to try and look this up on-line, and now am more confused and a little worried as to what this all may mean. I guess that this is the potential danger of holding one’s own test results that may have well be written in pig latin for all I understand.
If there is a doctor in the house who can explain this, I would appreciate it. I don’t think it is worth my seeing my doc over, especially as she has been casual about this all along, and referred to the results as “normal” on the phone. Mostly I am just curious though, and want to be sure that IF there is something I should know or be mindful of, that I am. Because we all know that as soon as I am told anything serious or important, I get right on it.
Har Har!
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Weight: 183.5 lbs.
Things seem to be looking up. Even my weight. No wait, that’s just GOING up. My bad, my lazy, my fault, and a blog for another day. Today’s is supposed to be uplifting.
I spoke with two good friends last night, and it seems that after a long dry spell and months, perhaps years of searching, they may have both found good jobs! One got called yesterday and starts in two weeks, and the other is having her references checked as we speak and appears to be in the home stretch. If they both succeed, it appears that they will have managed to find work that suits their ethics, interests, personalities and wishes. And that both may finally have a chance to be happy professionally, and live more fulfilling lives. This is heartening to us all, as we are all close and have suffered for and with one another through all of the difficulties inherent with working dead end jobs, being stressed past one’s tolerance, grappling to find the right job, and all of the ups and downs inherent to the search. How wonderful if all of this was over for both of them!
We have already planned to gather to celebrate the one’s certain job tonight, and all of our fingers are tightly crossed that the other one will hear back today and will make it a double celebration. It would be wonderful to eat out with a light heart and an eye on a brighter future for all!
And for me, I have an important day scheduled that includes a long overdue meeting at work, and a chance to set some meaningful matters to rest. I too am hoping this all goes well, and that I have something of my own to “celebrate”. But suffice to say, how things go will have a lot to do with how I conduct myself and how apt I am at the art of communication and advocacy. Things I teach my clients all the time, but struggle with myself sometimes.
So, all told, this week seems as if it has been and continues to be an important week that may determine future professional destiny and satisfaction, and tests the mettle of those of us both already working and hoping to. So please wish us all luck and fortitude in these ways!!
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Weight: 183.5 lbs.
I got the results from my stress test and it seems that my heart is normal! (That makes at least one part of me that’s normal!) Tom is picking up the written report from my doctor’s office today, and I will be interested to read more about it. I continue to love my new doctor’s manner of actually allowing me access to my own medical information…imagine that. And what a relief, after all these years of intermittent chest pain and some worry, that my ticker is actually functioning just as it appearently should be. Somehow I haven’t managed to ruin it by my years of overindulgence, either.
Yet.
And speaking of, I have entered into a period of ravenous hunger lately. I don’t know if its the persistently cold weather or my work stress or hectic schedule or just my head making me think its so…but I have had terrible cravings and hunger lately, and can’t seem to get enough food to satisfy myself at times. And of course what I seem to want most is crunchies and carbs. Last night Tom and I did have bowls of air popped popcorn, and I used spray butter and even some parmesan cheese on mine. It hit the spot, but seemed to actually make me more rather than less hungry, afterwards. I guess that this is the nature of carbs and one of the reasons to stay away.
I am also aware that I still have not wrapped my head around all the great hopes and plans I had to apply better self discipline in the new year. I remain a slug who feels as if I am caught on some huge treadmill…basically work, work, working and then trying to cleanse myself from work in whatever hours remain. I constantly feel rushed and “behind”, and rarely schedule anything extra anymore out of concern that I may feel too depleted and weary when the time comes, and prefer to stay home and veg instead. I am hoping that this is a factor of it being cold and dark out, which acts as a deterent to creativity and a desire to do much more than huddle in front of the boob tube. Rather like hibernating, I suppose. It will be interesting to see if my energy and desire to do things picks up as the weather breaks and hopefully my juices start flowing once again. I realize that I shouldn’t wait for the seasons to change to motivate myself into action (and even if I do, I’m sure that I will find some new reason in the Spring, like now being TOO busy!)….but….
And as I even write this I am loathe to think of working my way out to the car in 7 degree weather, to drive anywhere, let alone to work. And on the other hand, thank goodness that I HAVE a job. Because if I didn’t, surely I’d have atrophied completely by now, and may not have even risen at all to write here or do anything important whatsoever.
If you can call this important….
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Weight” 183.6 lbs.
…no news. But, I am assuming that if I was about to defib. my way into arrest or something, that my doctor would have contacted me somehow by now. I don’t think that I’ll have time to follow up and be proactive and check on my own results at least until tomorrow, as I remain so busy at work it is making my head spin.
Last night I got home around 8:00 pm and ate a very late dinner of soup and a sandwich. I was too hungry and tired to function, and was in bed by 9:00 with food still in my gut. I didn’t even take my bariatric vitamins correctly as I ran out of the necessary 2 hours between doses of calcium and iron, but hopefully just this once won’t hurt much. Usually I have two hours of an evening to play with and stretch such things out in. I was bad as far as eating and drinking together goes too, as I needed to do both and didn’t have the benefit of time to stretch this out either. Although admittedly I struggle with this rule under the best of circumstances.
Now tonight I get home somewhat late again, and I have so many clients in a row that I can only hope to fit a snack in as/when/if need be. This is gearing up to be a crazy week, and still disheartening, if things discussed in last night’s staff meeting are added in. If I don’t have heart disease yet, I can feel it creeping in….
And, while I’m on such a cheery note, I’d better sign off, as I need to leave by 7:30 this morning, and I am already stressing over all that is left to do to get out on time.
Where’s “Calgon” at a time like this?!
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Weight: 183.2 lbs.
What stress a stress test is! And quite interesting too, if watching images of your heart whooshing and vibrating in various colors is your cup of tea. I even got to hear the sounds of it while the tech was taking picture after picture and doing her thing. I now have new respect for the organ that has kept me alive so far, and hope to work harder to ensure that it stays that way too.
The hardest part about the procedure was the stress I felt about making it from the treadmill at “full speed” to the gurney next to it in “3 seconds or less” so that she could quickly assess my heart immediately following exertion. We had a dress rehearsal of how I was to quickly maneuver into the proper laying position, and I didn’t even do well in the practice. I practically rolled off the gurney that was clearly designed for someone half my size, and couldn’t position my arm properly over my head, especially with all the wires running from me to the machine. At one point my “left leg” fell off, or so she said with dismay as she hooked me back up.
Anyway, I did do well on the treadmill itself, and quickly got up to the 148 plus beats I was supposed to in order to reach my peak for testing. The tech and the attending doctor complimented me on my “form” even. I was never so proud!
But, when it came time to go from a jog to laying just so, I faced the wrong way, got yelled at by both of them, quickly turned to proper position, and practically tumbled right off the gurney again. I would have laughed if they weren’t so seriously yelling directives at me to “do it like we rehearsed!!” Clearly my brain cells didn’t expand with newfound oxygen flow from all the exertion.
The next most comical thing was her asking me to hold my breath for a minute, while winded both from the treadmill and the act of rushing to lay. She apparently needed images in which my breathing was in the way, and I couldn’t STOP breathing for the life of me. Honestly…you try to hold your breath for even a second or two after jogging to peak heart rate and having someone yelling at you!
But, someone we all managed to survive the ordeal, and the results should be to my doctor today, I was told. I will assume that if I don’t get a frantic call from her office, that I should expect to live at least a little longer. I do work very late tonight as it is our staff meeting, and god only knows that with the work events of late, I won’t probably get home until Wednesday anyway!
And lets hope that after the meeting I don’t wish for a good excuse, cardiac or otherwise, to keep me from work thereafter. Or, that work itself doesn’t erode away my otherwise healthy heart or compromise further any pre-existing issues!
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Weight: 183.2 lbs.
I am off to my cardiology appointment soon, and worried about wierder things than whether I actually have a heart problem or not. Mostly I am concerned that I am so out of shape that when they ask me to run on the treadmill, I will embarass myself and end up sucked under the machine like George Jetson or something.
I am also worried that as I am like bleeding to death here, that this will create its own difficulties. Use your imagination.
Or that, just in general, it will be an awkward and embarassing scenario with me splayed on the table after they have had me run and I am all winded and everything, and they trying frantically to hook up the sticky things and electrodes and whatever before my heart rate drops back down and we have to start all over again.
Blechhh…I hate medical anything!
The other worry I am having is more legit., I guess. The instructions say not to eat 3 hours before the procedure. So, I have gotten up early (what else is new!?) so I can eat a light breakfast before 7:00, as the appointment is at 10:00. But, it is also a 2 hour procedure, or so it says. And then I have some shopping to do along the route back home. So now I am worried that I may get too depleted and “crash” (ie: have a hypoglycemic episode) going too long between meals, especially if I am only eating a tad this morning. I am not sure whether I need to be worried about this or not, but may as well add it to the list. I think that I will take an Atkins bar with me just in case. But I doubt that they’d allow me to munch on it while on the treadmill…LOL!
Whatever….
Gee, at this rate I’d rather WORK Mondays!
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February 16th, 2011 | 
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