Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 183.2 lbs.

…and if this is true, womankind everywhere is screwed!

Through the history of this blog I have been either touted as the kind of everyday post bariatric woman that others can relate to, or villified as the bariatric antichrist. I believe that those who struggle, admit their foibles and are aware of their undertow, are most inclined to accept and understand me and what I write. I have gotten praise for my honesty, and admissions of how hard everything can be, and have been told that it is just this degree of genuiness and poignancy that speaks to them in ways that other blogs do not.

But, of course, I have also gotten flack for not working the program, my “tool”, and myself harder, having a controversial title that some have found insulting and horrifying, and for being too open or opinionated about certain things. Although I don’t take all this dislike lightly, I just don’t know what to do with it or how to please everyone. And the bottom line is that I can’t not be true to myself and who I am, including where and when I am “stuck” or struggling or awash with inner conflict. In fact, I have never been able to understand or relate to those who make this journey sound easy by dropping weight like rocks, never seeming to look back, or referring to what they have lost as “forever”. And those who run marathons and embrace lifestyles as skinny and fit people in ways that seem effortless…or at least congruent with their new selves, stymie me even more. Its not that I don’t wish for what others seem to have found or have, its just that I can’t find any resemblence to me now or ever in all this, despite some efforts to be all that. Perhaps the bottom line is that I am a weight loss fraud, lazy and too messed up to reach any real goals….

But at least I am authentic in saying so, and don’t hide or minimize the ways in which I am my own worst enemy. And if I make excuses for myself, they are usually tongue in cheek, and I am well aware that I am really just a bum who easily finds complacency with a job half done, and doesn’t mind resting on my laurels way before the “finish line”. In fact, truth be told, if I were to be skinny now, I fear that I’d have to work harder to maintain it and truly give up aspects of a more liberal lifestyle, that I am just not willing to do. Basically, I want my cake and to eat it too, and am not ready to embrace a cake free lifestyle to be thin, as it is just not worth that much to me. I see the trade off, and have made my decision.

At least for now. At 300 lbs., the trade off was NOT worth it, as my life was being compromised in too many ways. But at 183, I CAN have my cake and eat it too. Not as a voluptous slender woman with maximum health and vitality and confidence. But as the frumpy, plump, middle aged (yikes!) me that I know and recognize, who draws outside the lines, finds my way only in fits and starts if at all, and is relatively content with myself, my lifestyle and choices most of the time.

And thems the facts for all those who write me behind the scenes or question me about what I say or are silent observers of my diatribe. And, with my 2 year surgical anniversary looming, its also time that I sum up where I’ve been in this journey, and why I’ve allowed myself to stall in my 180’s.

 Etc.

And for those I horrify or offend or upset along the way…sorry that my truths shake up yours, but if you stay true to your own goals and journeys, and more power to you to do so with me in your rear view mirror, you shouldn’t mind so much that we aren’t all the same.

Weight: 183.0 lbs.

I feel better! I was able to sleep with my c-pap last night, AND made it through a whole night without waking at 3:00 am or a million times with troubled thoughts. I think that I may be turning a corner both physically and emotionally. I had a long talk with my supervisor at work yesterday, and believe that this helped to clear some more air, and to place us moreso on the same team. The reduction in some stress that came with this may have alleviated my mind some, aloowed me to sleep, and consequently help me to heal faster from my cold. Whatever the case, I feel better today and although still a little stuffy, this cold hasn’t metamorphasized into a hundred other secondary illnesses as is so often the case…or at least used to be when I was fatter and my lungs were more compromised as a result.

So now I have a nice weekend to look forward to without as dark a cloud hanging over me as seems that it had been lately. Tonight 3 friends are coming over to enjoy dinner out and a movie here afterwards - and as two of them are our newly (re)employed friends, we will be treating to celebrate this juncture in their lives. Debbie doesn’t know it yet, but Pete will be joining us, as as we haven’t gathered with him in some time, this should be nice and allow for a lot of great catching up on all accounts. And as this is our only social event this weekend, I look forward to both it, as well as to hopefully using the rest of my time wisely to continue my journey of emotional and physical recovery.

On Monday we get our taxes done and this may be cause for a relapse, but other than this, I can’t forsee that things will be as stressful as they had been in the last month or so anymore. Fingers tightly crossed on this one!

And all this means that once again I should be left in a better position to make lifestyle changes that are woefully overdue. You know…blah, blah. New Years resolutions never actuated; a lot of promises never kept; good intentions gone awry…that sort of thing. I have been watching some motivating shows, like “I Used To Be Fat” on cable, and clearly am able to see the value of hard work and diligence…for others. I have been watching slugs like me transform themselves, whereby they start resistive and unconvinced, and find their way part way through the process. Once they make it their own, their ability to lose weight and tone up can be amazing, and I am inspired by their stories and holding out hope that I too can do and be all of this if only I can get myself started and on track enough to internalize everything.

With the getting started part the hard part…and one I am currently just pondering rather than actually doing. But at least I am THINKING about it more, and trying to clear a good path for this eventuality.

AND, running out of excuses…!!

Weight: 183.9 lbs.

I am actually surprised that I haven’t lost at least a little weight given that I am eating less because I feel crummy and can’t taste a darn thing. Yesterday I had my egg breakfast, leftover pea soup for lunch, and salad with tuna in it for dinner. And a few pretzels for snack. For no real reason other than I felt the need to crunch. And hopefully not why my weight has stabalized when it seems that it should be dropping. Although perhaps this is also due to the fact that my metabolism has probably shut down from inactivity, and that lack of sleep is likely screwing my biology up even more.

Perhaps making my theory of losing when sick, a flawed one. Darn! I need some kind of silver lining to feeling this cruddy!

So basically I coughed, dripped and snorkeled my way through work yesterday, and plan to do the same today. There is a winter weather warning out for today, which no doubt will add to my misery, but maybe serve to take the focus off my nose and put it on survival, at least while I am heading in and out. Lovely.

I am happy that my good old celebrate vitamin shipment came in yesterday, and I at least take comfort in knowing that I am doing something right by supplementing properly. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I do with consistency and diligence.Or even remotely “right”.  Unfortunately. But, at least its something while I remain in a holding pattern and keep thinking that I will step it (back) up some day. When I am less sick…and less complacent. With complacency being the most important component, of course.

Damn, I get more honest when my head is stuffed up…! Achoooo!!

Weight: 183.9 lbs.

In my case, sleeping like a baby means waking up a million times a night. I would be crying and asking to be fed too, but figure this is futile.

I went to bed at 7:45, exhausted and miserable. Fell deeply asleep under the influence of Nyquil, but woke thinking it was 6:00 am, at 12:20 am. I struggled with whether to get up or not, took my c-pap off as I couldn’t breathe, and went back to bed. Only to wake a bazillion more times after both bad dreams and toxic restlessness and snorkiness. At one point I started screaming after a bad dream in which a recently ex-coworker came to kill me in my sleep, and I woke just in time to see his shadowy image about to bludgeon me to death.  Although Tom didn’t save me, he did yell at me for startling him by screaming. I’m doomed.

So now I am up early, facing another day with many clients who expect my attention and wisdom, and feeling messed up and weary. I am a biological mess and this sleep stuff is getting wierder as time goes by. I am hoping that the addition of my cold is the problem, and that perhaps when I can breathe again, I will be able to sleep like a normal human once again. Albeit from like 9:00 pm to 5:00 am. But, then again, you know what they say about early to bed….

And if only this were true. I am feeling nothing remotely akin to healthy or wise, and certainly wealthy is even farther from reality.

And if we add “thin” or “disciplined” or “on track” or “purposeful” to the mix, I am even more screwed!!!

Weight: 183.8 lbs.

Yesterday I took R & R to a whole new level. If I burned off 4 calories all day I’d be surprised. I barely moved a muscle, either sitting in a puddle of drool in front of the tv, napping, or reading the newspaper. That’s it! For someone usually as wired and anxious as me, this was anti-energy. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel one morsel of anxiety, guilt or conflicted emotion about my slug fest. There was no undertow regarding what I should be doing instead. This was exactly what I needed to do, and it was ok. I even went to bed early when I was done relaxing, just to be sure I didn’t skimp on the process of resting my weary mind and soul and spirit and psyche.

And I awoke today at 4:15, chipper and refreshed. As it nears the time to head to work, I can feel some apprehension creeping back in…but mostly, I am good. I won’t underestimate the toll that emotional work like what I do for a living, takes anymore. Especially when morale is low and there are added issues at hand that serve to demoralize and toxify. I may need to find a better way to build up my reserves or develop better resiliency however, as hedonism or crashing and burning is probably not a good lifestyle method. If only I were already a more physical person or had learned to embrace the concept of exercise, I expect that this would do as well and be less slovenly a way to cleanse myself. Maybe one of these days….

In the mean time, I am prepped to take on the work week in a better way than I have in some time now, and actually feel optimistic that I can handle all that is on my plate for the first time in a while.

And speaking of work, today is Janet’s first day at her new job, which as far as anxiety provoking goes, surely trumps anything that I am going through! And next week Debbie joins these ranks, making it hard for me to complain of my work issues! I guess that by comparison I’d rather be weary in an old job, than face the anxiety of a new one. Maybe….

And that having been said, its time to face mine, wish Janet luck on her new day and career, and get on with the business of trying to be “good” all over again.

Weight: 182.5 lbs.

Well, I’ve lost a little weight just in time for our weekend junket, so I can probably gain it back. A sad statement on my mentality, isn’t it?!

Truth be told, I still don’t care enough to take action. I am riding the waves of where I have gotten to date, and the rest is just not in my scopes at this time. I feel that I have enough, and sometimes too much, to tend to already. Not that I will ever live a stress free existence or anything, but right now is especially funky, and I am somewhat in survival mode, and have little extra energy or attention for much else besides hard work and occassional cleansing play. Or drooling in front of the boob tube.

 It could also be a February thing….

Today I awoke at 4:15 am, heard Tom stirring too, and moved to get up. Tom startled me when he said:”You’re up too, huh?” He said that he just wasn’t tired anymore, and I said that I was laying there stewing in my own juices, and had to get up to distract myself from all my troubled thoughts. Plus, I have to get to work asap today, as I have training, meetings, clients and much else going on, and major apprehension about much of it. My anxiety level is on a permanent high these days, and there is alot unfolding daily at my job that keeps it there. I desperately hope to successfully address some of it today, or at least divest enough that I can truly relax and enjoy a well deserved play weekend.

Speaking of which, since we leave so early tomorrow and I need a total break from everything, this site will go blogless both tomorrow and Sunday. This will likely leave lots for me to write about on Monday! We are gone from tomorrow early until Sunday afternoon, when we have to run home so that we can then attend our metal detecting installation party/dinner at 5:00. Although all of it is fun, our plans are a little too tight for my liking, including that we have two different casinos to cover as the Saturday night concert is in the Canadian one, and our rooms are on this side of the border. We are all very excited about the show (called “Band from TV” and featuring Rose and my favorite actor, Hugh Laurie from House, amongst other famous stars). We also have both dinner and breakfast plans, shopping in the Falls casino, and of course, gambling, scheduled. There will be lots to do and enjoy, including the company itself, and I am so glad to get away for a bit that I could cry!!

The only thing upsetting to me about this however, is leaving the poor cat “alone”. We do have the neighbors sitting the cats and they should be over frequently, but she remains so loving and attention seeking and needy, that I worry that she will miss us and be all lonely. Plus, she remains in danger from Gingerbread’s attacks, and the situation still requires some oversight at times. Mostly she remains at the back of our house confined to the computer room and bedroom, but as this is isolated and lonely for her, occassionally she ventures out into Gingerbread territory, only to get creamed if caught. Its so sad, but we try to do the best by both of them, and Spice has so many toys and so much attention that she’s more like a spoiled child than a cat. This morning I heard a series of beeps when I went to do this blog, and found her standing on the printer, which is up high on a shelf, and pushing the buttons enough to change the function from “print” to “fax”. She is so curious and mischievious, I also worry that she will wreak havoc in our absence, and burn the house down or something! Maybe this is a little catastrophic of a belief, but I’ve already admitted to feeling super anxious these days!

And on that note, I’d better drag my skin crawly, agitated self to one last day of work, survive it, and use my long weekend well to detoxify and rebalance!! Let’s see if my strategy works!

Weight: 183.2 lbs.

Last night I went to bed around 8:30, and slept solidly until 6:15 this morning when Tom woke me up. I’d like to think that this has helped me catch up on lost sleep and rebalanced me emotionally, but the verdict isn’t out yet. I do feel a little sharper and less fuzzy headed as I have been lately, so I have some hope that all this sleep was restorative in some way.

Nonetheless, I still dread work, and haven’t found my way to reconciling what is bothering me there yet. I have a glimmer of hope that this will come tomorrow, but only if I reach for it and make something of it. We are going away this weekend and I desperately hope for a wonderful time with good friends Debbie and Rose, so even more I want to have stuff resolved beforehand so that this doesn’t play on me when I am trying to have fun.

As far as eating and taking care of myself goes, sadly this still is not a top priority, as I allow everything else to come first and excuse me from focusing more on what I eat and what I do with my body. As my stress level raises, my diet becomes more happenstance. I realize that if I had this under better control and if I worked off my stress through exercise, that I would be in better balance and focus, and probably even more resilient in the face of stress. But, unfortunately, realizing this and doing something about it remain miles apart, and I tend to seek refuge in mindless activities like tv, and sometimes food, instead. And a good junket to the casino, as is planned this weekend. Where on top of whatever else we do there (this weekend, a concert and some shopping), we also eat too much and at grand buffets where I tend to lose even more perspective.

So…I guess the moral of the story is that I am spinning in the wind here, and can’t seem to catch myself. And that lately the gusts have been stronger and I am that much more tousled. And I can’t seem to either find or figure out how to consistently use the hairspray, even though I know its sitting nearby on the shelf where its always been!