Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 185.8 lbs.

My weight went UP just when I though I was doing better and it might just drop for a rare change. I go through periods where my appetite drops and my focus shifts, and I don’t feel as food obsessed or hungry. I am not sure if it is because there is so much else on my plate (no pun intended) or if it is hormonal or what, but for the last few days, I have been feeling “quieter” about food.

Yet I have gained. All I ate yesterday was a chicken salad wrap, some cashews and an apple for work snack, and my cheesy egg concoction. Oh, and 2 slices of high fiber, whole wheat toast.

I though that this was a hunble diet and surely not one to gain on. And even the day before, I ate moderately, although I did have a can of soup for dinner, and although Healthy Choice, was packed with sodium. But I didn’t gain any then…go figure.

This is part of why I hate getting too wrapped up in daily weights. I am sick of caring about such things to this degree. There is a lot else going on in my life right now, including a very stressful and distasteful work issue, and I don’t care to waste too much energy or thought on every calorie I consume or whether I have gone up some ounces or not. I think I need to mobilize myself to work through what is on my other plates, and although I can’t speak of any of it here, there is a lot of stuff going on. Sometimes I have to remember that this is not my own personal diary and I need to censor certain things from this public venue, as people could get hurt, including me, if I write EVERYTHING here.

So I will shut up now…and eat my eggy breakfast and pet the cats and dry my hair and get on my way. Besides, that which I can write about is too boring for words right now and not worth my effort or your time! 

 Bye!

Weight: 185.2 lbs.

I am so glad that there are two days left to this “weekend” that I could puke with joy! Yesterday we ended up busier than I had planned or hoped that we would be, and now today I look forward to doing the “nothing” that I have been yearning to do for some time now. Tonight is our metal detecting meeting, but that is mercifully all for the day. I think. And hope.

Of course I said this yesterday too, but we ended up running around (well, hobbling, anyway) and then spent the evening with our friends Charlie and Nancy from my job. They had us over and we enjoyed an evening of talk and laughter and coffee. And some Italian dessert bread that I ate some of and fortunately didn’t end up in a coma as sweets lately have been prone to do to me.

And speaking of overdoing it, I think that Tom overdid it on his foot yesterday, and was in more pain last night and now again this morning, as a result. He is too restless to elevate it for long or to keep off of it altogether, and I am sure that doing what we did yesterday was against medical advice in every way. Now today the driveway is piled high with yesterday’s snow, and needs plowing out. Tom will likely insist on asking the neighbors again if we can borrow their snow blower…but if not, I will see if he’ll let me shovel. Regardless of his leg, he likes to do these things and probably won’t accept the help. I hope we snag a snowblower of our own soon, as clearly we need one and this is preferable to shoveling regardless of who is doing it! I did spend a lot of time on craigslist, on the phone, doing research and continuing the quest for a good used one, but so far they are selling like hotcakes and unless we are first in line for a good used one, they are gone before we can throw our money into the ring.

Whatever the case, we hope to do whatever we do at or close to home, and for me, this should afford vital refueling and balancing time once again. The key however, is to use this precious time wisely. And as always, the prognosis for this is mixed at best!

Weight: 185.1 lbs.

So Tom had his MRI yesterday and although we are awaiting the final results, so far things are coming up consistent with a fracture of some sort. The theory is that because his leg is somewhat deformed from an old motorcycle accident, that there is stress placed on it in ways that a “normal” leg would not experience. And that even simple exercises and movements could effect him worse as a result.

We are waiting word not just on the verdict, but the remedy. Tom especially is somewhat apprehensive that he may need to have it cast or booted, and that he would be unable to work if this was so. Even now he needs to keep off it as much as possible, and elevate it when sitting. Other than when my girlfriends are over, he rarely if ever ices it though, but I believe that he should be and try to encourage him to do this. Unfortunately life typically entails a lot of walking and movement, so it is hard for Tom to be as sedentary as he should, and even when he tries, he gets restless and says he feels ok and starts doing things. And although I am trying to do what I can to fill in the gaps, I am not home all the times he is, and even when I am, he “fusses” around and does his thing. Sometimes with Tom too it is a fine line between nurturing his dependency and reinforcing a latent tendency to become over reliant, and expecting too much or being unfair in the face of genuine need. I struggle to be sure, but as I’ve written here before, discussed with him and even others and agonized over this, and try to play the middle as best I can.  Tom even agrees that this is best. I don’t know if its an every guy thing, but Tom is aware that a part of him is prone to eating attention, sympathy and nurturing up with a spoon, and that he can sacrifice independence and pride at times to achieve this. And that this is not good for him (or us).

In any case, today he is already up and “running” in the background while I am writing this. He seems better than yesterday, and reports that he feels ok now and may even want to go out later. I am unsure if this is a good idea, especially as it is finally the weekend and we don’t really have to. Mercifully we have no plans nor is there any doctor appointments. Although a friend from work had mentioned during the week that she’d like us over if we were free, she hasn’t yet called to solidify this. And if she does, I will leave this up to Tom.

And as to me also being somewhat of a mess, I did compel him to hobble my way yesterday to test my blood sugar, as I found myself shaky and sweaty and disoriented and struggling to see and think straight. This was after we returned from his MRI and I had eaten a snack of cashews and some baby carrots with dip.

What a sight hobbly Tom testing shaky me must have made….but Janet’s voice telling me that I should get numbers to go with what seem to be increasingly severe episodes of hypoglycemia, so I know what I am up against, made me decide to see what things really look like when I feel this bad.

And I was “55″.  And now glad to have a number for the feeling. I ate a banana, and later a healthy protein and better carb rich dinner. And it passed. But boy it sure feels terrible while occurring, and worries me that it can happen so quickly, and lately so frequently. I didn’t think that my snack would have triggered it either, so even when I think that I am eating ok, I guess that I’m not. So I guess that I have a lot more work to do on diet (duh!!!), and on caretaking Tom too.

Sigh…just when did we both get so old and sickly?!

Weight: 185.5 lbs.

Tom saw the orthopedist yesterday, and was told that a calcaneal spur probably doesn’t explain the degree of swelling and pain that he is having, and that he thinks that Tom has suffered a fracture instead. Now Tom is scheduled for an MRI today, and since I have taken off, I plan to go with him for this. If it is a break, it is possible that he will need to be in a cast or one of those bootie things, according to the doctor. This raises questions as to his ability to walk, and to work. Whatever the case, I am very glad that he is getting to the bottom of it, and hopefully we will soon both what it really wrong, and what to do about it. Wish him luck!

I am very glad that the day I arranged to take off due to my own degree of burnout and such, has coincided with Tom’s test. I have not had an opportunity to be an active participant in this process for him, and am glad for the chance to join him today. On the other hand, I have a million things to do, and feel torn, time wise. If we want to eat, that is. The cupboards are bare and other than Mayo, we barely have any fridge foods either. I have been a huge slug this last week or so, and neglected my wifely duties. Last night we ate cereal (I had  wheat based cereal like Maypo, that has decent protein and iron in it) for dinner, and ran out of the last of the milk in the process. And then,I assume because I had too many carbs, I felt my blood sugar levels drop precariously while on the phone with Debbie, and thought that I might quietly pass out on her. I was trying to be discreet about how I felt and figured on rummaging for a snack surreptitiously, but ended up going quite public about it as my symptoms increased. I ate a slice of wheat toast with some peanut butter (we never run out of this, at least!), and felt just fuzzy by the time I went to bed soon after. I have noticed that one of the most pronounced symptoms lately, is that my tongue goes numb, rather like it has been shot up with novacaine. I mentioned this to Barb recently and was shocked that she too experienced this same symptom when her levels drop. I had never heard of such a thing before and was sure that I was imagining it or something.

I really need to learn to pay better attention to myself, AND eat in a way less likely to trigger such occurences in the first place. I will try to stock up on healthy protein foods today, and now can see a little forward as to better menu planning and such. Thank god for the weekend!

Also today, I hope to have time to continue the search for a good used snowblower. We keep seeing ones we like on craigslist, but assume that they have sold quickly or something, because no one ever gets back to us when we leave a message. Janet said that this mirrors what she feels like on her job search. I can see how such mysterious silence can feel disparaging and lonely!

Hopefully tomorrow’s post will have good news about everything, including that if we succeed in actually getting a snowblower, that Tom is well enough one day to actually use it!