Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 183.3 lbs

I heard this song on the way to work yesterday, and found the lyrics especially poignant and meaningful. It gave me a sense of purpose, peace and resolve for much of what I have been struggling to do all week. Some things I had already said, and the rest I said yesterday.

I am done now. And silenced. Like a child who says the unthinkable by telling that mom drinks too much, or grampa is creepy in the way that he snuggles. Only some people can tolerate such truths. Some may punish the child for their candor. Others may listen, but do nothing. Only if the child is lucky will someone listen intently, investigate, come to honest conclusions and do the right thing.

I wish that I lived in such a family. I never have.

And although I haven’t been sad about this in many years, I am now, as all over again I am learning that truth doesn’t always triumph over wrong doing, and even decent adults can get caught up in the act of deception and silencing.

And that this dynamic can be just as toxic and damaging to me as an adult as it was when I was little (and perhaps in part because I experienced it when I was little).

And that even food doesn’t diminish the pain or set things right. And once again, I will just have to learn to live in a world where my morals and observations aren’t valued, and I could be in “danger” if I insist that they are.

And the only “good” thing from this may be that the lump in my throat from feigning reconciliation may keep me from overeating for a while to come.