Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 182.1 lbs.

I am up early to head off to work today. And hope to remain under the radar. I have a lot to do and need to be clear headed and uninterrupted in order to catch up.

Then, I am headed to the doctor. I wish the appointment weren’t smack dab in the middle of the day as I will need to time stuff at work just so to fit everything in. But, it is an important visit and if I use it wisely, I should leave with directions as to further tests that will likely be prescribed for my “idiosyncracies.”

I am dreading both.

I hear the we are due for  a major winter storm (you too, perhaps, as it sounds like half of the country is up for it!), and feel that much more pressured to get things squared away at work just in case there isn’t any come mid week. I am not sure what to wish for….

In any case, I am thinking and heading forward now and should have lots to write here as the week progresses. But, for the moment, I am in those remaining few moments between glorious weekend and the onslaught of every kind, and am ok for right now.

Let’s hope it stays this way…!

Weight: 182.3 lbs.

After a day of errands and relaxation, Tom and I went to dinner and then a concert with Debbie and Rose. It was nice to do something that fed the soul and spirit, and to share a lot of laughs. The show was a production of broadway show tunes, and held in a newly renovated theater that actually until recently, was a local church. For only a $10 ticket price, we were treated to an evening of beautiful voices and song choices. And even this morning I still can’t get the haunting “Lily’s Eyes” out of my head!

When we first went to sit down in the front row that I had chosen for us, an incident with an older, rude lady with a cane, almost broke out. She literally pushed her way to take the seats I was holding for my friends and Tom who were just steps behind me, claiming that because of her bad leg she had to have these seats in particular. When I pointed out that there were many other seats up front, and held my ground, she harumphed and I feared that she was about to slug me or something. What a relief and “right back at ya’” it was when Tom finally clomped his way over with his foot planted in his support boot, not only taking his rightful seat, but showing that she was not the only gimp in the house!

Today I am looking forward to a day of catching up on newspapers, shows and laundry. Basically, staying home and continuing to heal from the traumatic week. I’d like to say that I am back to sleeping like a baby, but I continue to wake in the wee hours, and then find myself rehashing and obsessing about every detail of this week’s events. It then takes hours to drift back off, and I am developing cumulative sleep deprivation from this. I had hoped that some resolution would cleanse me of everything enough that I could find peace again, and for the most part I am able to be ok during the day. However, I continue to struggle with dark thoughts during the night, and suspect that it might take some time before this is healed too. But, at least I have another day or two before I must return to the place of my trauma….

Now tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment where I will have the opportunity to discuss my strangely high potassium value, intermittent chest pains, and whatever else ails me. I expect that she will want to run further tests, and dread the whole ordeal. I wonder if this new doc has figured out yet that I am a difficult patient, and as squeamish and phobic as one can be. I don’t know if I’d rather be her or me!

Well, at least I also have another day before this, and I guess that I’d better use it wisely. I hope to take the act of soul cleansing and relaxation to a whole new level, and store up enough good energy and karmic blessings such that even if this weeks sucks as bad as the last few, I can survive them once again.

Weight: 182.1 lbs.

I have reached a new low!! And this time, I mean this in a good way. Who knew that if I exposed myself to toxic stress, demoralization, profound hurt and moral angst, that I could lose weight. Maybe I am on to something!

Rarely am I ever too upset to eat, or find myself speechless with incredulity at the way things are being handled. This is how my week has felt, and eating actually felt secondary to misery, rather than an accompaniment to misery.

But, the good news, although this may mean that I will have to resort to more traditional methods for weight loss, is that yesterday brought the kind of change that I had been driving for.

Vindication. Validation. Relief. People who have finally appreciated and realized the real concerns, and are choosing to do the right thing. Who have stopped blaming me for being the messenger, and have started to develop a plan to address the real issue. Who have stepped up.

Sadly, there still is no real good solution, and the remedy is costly in and of itself. But at least not to me personally any longer. To my integrity, my character or my psyche. I finally have hope that I am also no longer “fighting” alone.

And that the only thing “going down” besides my weight, is no longer me, but the source of the problem in the first place.

Weight: 183.3 lbs

I heard this song on the way to work yesterday, and found the lyrics especially poignant and meaningful. It gave me a sense of purpose, peace and resolve for much of what I have been struggling to do all week. Some things I had already said, and the rest I said yesterday.

I am done now. And silenced. Like a child who says the unthinkable by telling that mom drinks too much, or grampa is creepy in the way that he snuggles. Only some people can tolerate such truths. Some may punish the child for their candor. Others may listen, but do nothing. Only if the child is lucky will someone listen intently, investigate, come to honest conclusions and do the right thing.

I wish that I lived in such a family. I never have.

And although I haven’t been sad about this in many years, I am now, as all over again I am learning that truth doesn’t always triumph over wrong doing, and even decent adults can get caught up in the act of deception and silencing.

And that this dynamic can be just as toxic and damaging to me as an adult as it was when I was little (and perhaps in part because I experienced it when I was little).

And that even food doesn’t diminish the pain or set things right. And once again, I will just have to learn to live in a world where my morals and observations aren’t valued, and I could be in “danger” if I insist that they are.

And the only “good” thing from this may be that the lump in my throat from feigning reconciliation may keep me from overeating for a while to come.

Weight: 184.5 lbs.

Tom has his follow up visit with the orthopedist today, where he should get the results of his recent MRI. And discover the source of his ongoing pain and mobility problems.

 Two friends have job interviews, and both desperately need a chance for change.

I, well, can’t say here….

Will the outcomes bring relief, or grief? Hope for resolution and new beginnings, or ongoing angst?

Will we even learn our fates, or will limbo continue? Until when, and with what final outcomes?

In what ways will the news be life altering? Create new dilemnas perhaps, or further decisions? Keep the pot stirred for longer until everything is fully settled, and solidified?

Can we accept the decisions that others make in our behalf, and move on gracefully with whatever is suggested? What impact might this have on us, and how much work will it entail to acheive our desired results?

Big questions for a big day!

Please wish us ALL good luck!!!!