|
|
Weight: I rue the day….
I am determined to eat myself into oblivion right up until the new year starts (and possibly beyond). Apparently. Last night Janet came over and we headed to dinner out and then spent what should have been some quality time here afterwards. Except that I fell asleep on the couch, probably from all the carbs I ate at dinner and the pieces of chocolate afterwards. Clearly I can’t be trusted to break out the box ‘o gifted chocolates and simply offer these to guests. I just had to know what was inside of each one, and whether it was nougat or creme or nuts. Or all of the above as I think that I ate at least 3 pieces. Its all a sugary blur!
Today our friends Nancy and Charlie are due over, first for dinner at a local Thai restaurant, and then to visit here “over wine” as per Nancy’s instructions. It is New Year’s eve, after all. Except that this means that we’ll have booze AND chocolates, and I will probably sink into a coma this time. Doesn’t this make you just want to rush right out and visit with the likes of us?!
Tomorrow should be the biggest test of all, as we remain torn as to whether to bring in the new years “playing”, or whether to consider this the day of our new beginning and commitment to resolutions regarding diet and self discipline. There will be symbolism in whichever we choose, and I am apprehensive about the karma of starting the new year off on the wrong foot. On the other hand, part of me feels that new years day is still one for celebration and frivolity, and shouldn’t count.
The bottom line is that either way the need to crack down is encroaching, and clearly I have mixed emotions and am screwed up about it all. I have so many conflicting voices in my head that I may as well have multiple personality disorder. So much so that it should be an interesting study as to which one(s) I listen to and what I do with it all.
Because as of right this minute I honestly can’t say that even I know yet what the plan is and how it will all shake out. I think I know what I want and what I need to do to get there….I just don’t know if I will follow a course of action consistently, stringently and intelligently enough to achieve my goals. Given my track record and all. And my current apprehension and ambivalence.
Making this all a lot to embrace and soon. I have to laugh at Nancy who when recently asked about her resolutions, said that she hopes to remember to take a multi-vitamin daily from now on. Oh, and maybe try to be a little kinder and gentler in the new year.
That’s it.
Sigh….
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: Still fat
I am seeing the light way earlier than I want to. The one above our heads in bed that Spice has learned to turn on at 3:30 am when all other tactics for waking us don’t work for her.
She’s an ingenious little shit ball!
And we are perpetually exhausted from her nighttime antics and getting more depleted as time goes by and she gets better at it. The last few nights Tom led her into quarantine before 4:00 am after she had raised a ruckus for long enough that it was clear that we weren’t going to get any peace with her in our room. Fortunately, she didn’t raise a ruckus in her isolation room…but then again, she got her way and had an early breakfast and all.
How can two adults with so many degrees and years of wisdom be stupider than one 2 year old cat?
Don’t answer that!
And speaking of stupid, I continue to eat like a banshee, and last night Tom and I ate pizza out, then went for a buy one. get one free ice cream deal at Andersons. Because I didn’t want to see the coupon that expires at the end of this month after a year of non use, go to waste. How’s this for an excuse to eat ice cream?! And I might say the same about the buy 6, get 6 free bagels that we still have, tempting me daily.
Remind me not to get any more coupns either in the new year. Clearly I am a sucker for a bargain, whether it makes any sense for my health or not.
Clearly Spice IS the smartest creature in this house…!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: Don’t hold your breath
I can feel myself spinning in the wind as I speak. Now that I am back to work and my life is somewhat back to normal, I am beginning to think forward and am fretful that I need a whole life makeover and don’t have the chutzpah to accomplish this.
In short, I need to get my eating, spending, gambling, exercising and attitude under better control. I need also to rise to even more responsibilities at work, and manage to fit in and do justice by several new administrative tasks. I need to resume working full days on Friday…although this one is in the bag and already is scheduled to start back up next week.
I am apprehensive about all of the above, and although I know that I will feel better leading a more disciplined and effective lifestyle, I am loath to relinquish my slovenly and hedonistic ways. Self indulgent, sabotaging and fun loving brat that I am.
Ah, the ying and yang of life and the forces of “evil” at play.
Leaving the big question as to which me will win in the new year…and exactly how someone like me actually goes about such an extreme personal makeover. “Cause if I can do it, god only knows that YOU can too!!!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: Not THAT much reality! I am borrowing last weeks weight once again!
OK…I can only handle so much reality at one time today. It is jarring enough that the 5 days I had off flew by and left me exhausted, and now I must return to the old grind. Although I am very fortunate and have a great job that I do like and with co-workers I enjoy, it is still called work for a reason, and I feel mentally and physically unprepared for the likes of it just yet. I truly am very weary from a long weekend of fun and frolic, and need to shake off the fuzzy headedness and get cracking here.
Yesterday we left the house by 8:00 a.m. and went marathon shopping for everything from after Christmas bargains, to vitamins that Tom only informed me that he was running out of, at the last minute. We covered a lot of territory, and wound our way to Slots where we were indeed good and simply went in and got our free money. $56 to be exact, which reimbursed us for much of the shopping we did along the way. It amazes me how incredibly thrifty and smart I can sometimes be about money, while at other times (read, in the casino) I lose all perspective and control. I guess that just like with food, this is the nature of an addiction. Rather like expecting to go to a buffet and pick just one small item or two. Hell no…let me taste everything, or I will feel deprived. I suppose this is why alcoholics shouldn’t even walk in bars. Duh!
Anyway, given this, it did take quite some will to leave the casino as we did without dropping a single coin, and I am hoping for the ability to find this same will to get back on dietary track soon. Because it really is as much a matter of mentality as anything, and it certainly feels good to use it properly. I know that had we succumbed to playing yesterday, it would have worked against the good energy we had, and I would have felt defeated and disheartened by my over indulgence and lack of focus. Just as I do when I eat more than I mean to, and allow food to take center stage. I can recall how good it feels to be on track and keep food in perspective…and desperately need to find my way back there soon.
On the other hand, I am still in holiday mode to some degree, and have given myself a little leeway to finish off leftovers, adjust more gradually, make a plan and ease my way into it NEXT WEEK.
Because just getting back to work is more than enough reality for me in one day…!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: Ugh.
Well, we managed to resist temptation and two calls from Joan yesterday, stayed home and stayed “good”. Instead of losing money at the casino, I spent it in an early morning after Christmas shopping spree, and Tom went to church and gave some there. As it should be.
Then we stayed in the rest of the day, caught up on calls and on household chores, and ate leftovers.
Also as it should be.
Today is my last day before “normalcy” sets in, and we have plans with several stores. We also plan to run across the border and collect on the nearly $60 awaiting us at Fort Erie Slots…and do not plan to play this in but merely get it and run. Before it expires. And while the exchange rate favors us! There’s nothing like “free” money to almost make you forget that we are still running a deficit for the gambling year. And that this is another thing to try and grapple with in our New Years resolutions. Along with better eating and exercise habits, of course.
Starting soon. Really. Maybe. Hopefully.
But not until everything has died down….and there still is New Year’s eve to go, you know!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: You’ve gotta be kidding me!
I’ll never eat and I’ll never weigh myself again. Oh wait, if I never eat, then I can resume weighing myself. But only after I have gone at least a wekk of cleaning myself out from what I have already consumed.
It’ll take this long just to recover from yesterdays enormous food fest….
It started with a brunch here of scrambled cheesy eggs with bagels and spreads and turkey bacon and turkey sausage and fruit tart and applesauce and olive/peeperoni/cheese platter and pineapple and clementines. I ate everything but the clementines. I probably would have eaten them too, but forgot they were there.
Rose and Nancy and Debbie and Janet and Pete came, and all left after a few hours of food and festivities, except poor Rose who stayed with us until it all finally ended at about 9:30 pm. But first, we dragged her over to Tom’s sister’s house where we visited briefly and gave Joan a gift, while enroute to the psychiatric center to visit Kris. This was as tragic as usually since her major decompensation a few years ago, and we stayed only briefly as she “fired” us part way through our time there. She took her Christmas gifts and ran off, muttering something about how she didn’t care for the visit anymore and she was done with us.
So we headed over to Rose’s nearby apartment to visit her 5 cats and hang a little until it was time to head to Zoe’s for dinner. Where we then gabbed and ate plenty more until way past our typical dinner and even bed time. We had rotisserie chicken, pork loin, spinach casserole, dressing, mashed potatoes, yams, bean casserole, cranberry sauce and about 5 different desserts. And shrimp and pepperoni platters for appetizers. And I tried at least a bite of everything, drank sparkling cider and coffee, and felt like I was gonna blow before the night was out. And got hypoglycemic and screwy and had to eat more shrimp and crackers later so as not to crash and burn.
And now there is question whether this will end anytime soon, as we all but commited to join Tom’s sister and brother in law for dinner at the casino tonight, against my better eating and gambling judgement. I am contemplating a fancy excuse to get out of it, or perhaps the truth. Something like “If I eat anymore like I did yesterday and the whole last month, I am gonna explode or at least get fat(ter)” and ” if we spend anymore like we have all month, I am gonna go bankrupt, or at least get broke(r).”
Or, maybe we can just go for the benefit of celebrating the holidays with them, but bypass the slot machines and just eat a few carefully chosen items at the buffet.
Yeah, right.
Pass the leftovers….
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: a dirty little secret
Well, here it is. Almost Christmas. And I am already full and fat and jolly. Last night Tom and I went out to eat at a rarely frequented but favorite Chinese buffet in Lancaster. We were celebrating the holidays and the fact that we are now both officially off. Except that he has ALL of next week off, so I am still a little jealous.
Anyway, it was a nice meal and time, and as usual, I overindulged and still feel full from it all.
Today we are headed to the casino, although part of me really wants to put this off until after Christmas both because we are having a lot of company tomorrow and I’d like to settle in and fuss for this, and because it just makes more sense to me to go after Christmas, than before. Plus Tom’s sister and brother in law are going Sunday instead of today, and we could join them at dinner then rather than eating alone tonight.
So the verdict isn’t out on this yet, but I think Tom is really looking forward to today, and may be a hard sell if I try to change things.
Tomorrow we hit the road running with a 7 person brunch here, then a visit to Kris at the psych. center with Rose in tow. She will be joining us for brunch as well as accompanying us to Zoe and Dennis’ for dinner, so she is somewhat compelled to come along. Although she sounds pleased at the prospect of meeting our special friend, and even has asked what she can gift her with for the holiday.
Anyway, we also hope to quickly stop at Tom’s sister’s house while enroute, and drop off a little Christmas gift and such. Hopefully Rose won’t mind being held captive for this as well.
Then, we end the day with our friends, and they are having Dennis’ parents and another friend, so there will be 8 of us there. I am bringing appetizers and Rose is bringing a dessert. Should be yummy and fun, as always.
But, on a more somber note, I am aware that this is a time when many are celebrating their first Christmas since suffering the loss of a significant loved one. In fact, that is why Rose is joining us this year. Her mother passed this summer, and her father last year, so other than her sister, she now has no other family to spend such occassions with. And Nancy is coming here for our brunch too, although at least has a partner to spend the rest of the day with.
So many others of our gathering friends have also had major losses recently, including Tom whose mother died this spring. I am sad for the rest of his siblings and relatives who may even be feeling her loss more acutely at this time, as she lived nearer them and spent holidays and special occassions gracing them with her presence.
So for everyone who is grieving or mindful of someone missing this year, I wish you healing in the new year, and hopes that your holidays may be meaningful and full of others and memories that bring you peace and comfort at this time.
Merry Christmas to all the family and local and long distance and cyber only friends who lurk here, and I will return the day AFTER Christmas to check in on you all!!!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: Danger, danger Mr. Robinson….
So, here I am, off for 5 days. Whoopie! If only the darn cat would let Tom and I get a moments sleep, I might get some R & R in. But NOOOO…she’s a perpetual nighttime lunatic who decides to play and wreak havoc the minute the lights go out. The last two nights she has knocked over every knick knack in our bedroom, managed to pull necklaces off of my jewelry hanger and tangle them up before depositing them on the floor, and walked through, on and over every item we own. Throughout the wee hours and noisely. And Tom repeatedly getting up to pull her off and out of things, yell at her or check on her, isn’t helping any. He says that he can’t sleep with all the ruckus she is making, but I tell him that I can’t sleep with all the ruckus HE is making. Then he threatens to banish her to the computer room, and I protest. But, by 4 a.m. I too had been exhausted into submission and was ready to throw her out the window, and agreed that it was best for all of us that she be banished from the bedroom. Only to have HIM protest, and say that he’d decided to give her another chance.
So now we are both exhauseted AND on the verge of divorcing…!
And thinking of replacing her with a herd of elephants. At this point, they’d likely be less noisy and intrusive than her at night. How one tiny kitty can be such a destructive maniac is beyond me, and why we haven’t figured out how to effectively handle this yet, is also beyond me. Maybe it’s because we are now too weary to think!
Fortunately, we don’t have to do too much of this the next few days, as we are in full holiday mode now. Starting tonight when we celebrate with dinner out. Then tomorrow we will go to the casino for Christmas eve, and are awaiting final word as to whether Tom’s sister and brother in law will be there as in past years, and join us for dinner there.
Then before we have fully digested Christmas eve dinner, it will be time to prepare Christmas brunch for several friends who are due over at 10:00 a.m., before heading over to Zoe and Dennis’ for Christmas dinner. Etc.
And I am full and exhausted just thinking of it all. But, then again, what are the holidays and kitties for if not to create fun and havoc and entertainment?! Although this is much more welcome during day hours, of course!
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: 112 lbs., blonde and a movie star
It should be free sailing from here out and into next week. I hope. I had very difficult days at work on Monday and Tuesday, but hope to coast through today, which is my final work day until next Tuesday. My case and work load seem to be exploding at the seams, and usually around this time things lighten up rather than getting so hectic as they have this year. Plus, I have a few very challenging clients, including some with terminal conditions, several who are non verbal, and a sociopath. Really! My job never ceases to fascinate and intrigue me, and it can be poignant, tragic, fulfilling, exhausting, energizing, depleting, grueling or exasperating work, depending on the day and the clients Most days, it is all of the above.
In any case, I am hoping to push myself to leave cleanly tonight, so that I can enjoy my time off because I wrapped everything up nicely. So that next Tuesday won’t be too traumatic. Especially since returning after a major holiday is hard anyway.
I am a little afraid of how I will also feel as the new year begins and not only is all the excitement over, but I must put my nose to the grindstone in so many ways. Part of me looks forward to such self discipline and commitment, and part of me is already worried that I will feel like the carpet has been pulled out from under me, and get depressed and resistive. Moreso, anyway. By rereading last year’s blogs around this time, I do see that I had a hard time transitioning from holiday and indulgent mode into a New Year’s mentality even then. I also see that around Christmas last year, I could only wish to weigh “what I did when I got married and was 188″ and “less than my husband who is 201.” I am at least excited now to weigh both less than him (although he apparently has lost since then too, as he is typically in the low 190’s now), and less than my marriage weight even. Or at least I was last I weighed!
But it is kind of fun rereading what amounts to my old diary, and seeing what I thought and felt and did a year ago. And basically how I haven’t changed at all really, except to be a skinnier version of the same neurotic, obsessive, fat headed mess that I was then.
Well, at least I am consistent….
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
Weight: 184.9 lbs.
I want everyone to know right off the bat that I have made today’s weight up. It is the exact amount that I weighed last Tuesday. Apparently, and according to my brother who I consulted and who runs this website, I must post a weight on Tuesdays or “it will screw everything up.” And god forbid that I screw not just myself up, but this site too!!
So, rather than actually weigh myself and pay the piper, I am guestimating my weight as exactly what it was a week ago. Hopefully this will satisfy the computer gods and keep me on a holding pattern until I can actually bear to look at real numbers on a real scale. Like next millenium.
Or when my eating has slowed down and I am not in Christmas auto pilot.
Next year, anyway.
So…the moral of the story is that I may be fat, but at least I am honest. Well, with my readers, anyway.
Although underneath even the greatest armor of denial and avoidance is an inkling of recognition of one’s pathology, and a glimmer of awareness of what needs to be done.
Or at least I hold out this belief for my clients even if it isn’t always as apparent for me.
And if you ask me, part of what makes for such an understanding and compasssionate counselor is a certain amount of pathology of one’s own. As long as it isn’t even more than who you are treating. Which sometimes mine probably is.
I think that I had better stop writing now…. And get to work seeing clients.
Maybe I should have been an accountant.
Send / Share / Tweet / Print This:
|
|
December 31st, 2010 | 
Categories: 
Recent Comments