Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 184.2 lbs.

I’d like to think that despite my hiatus from any degree of sensible eating, that I wouldn’t have gained weight. And that it is easier going down than up since the surgery. I’d also like to believe that I am immune from weight gain, that pie has no calories, and that I am justified in taking breaks from good eating for reasons like the holidays.

Clearly this is misguided thinking based on denial. And I can admit it now that it is Tuesday, and I am past my weekend hiatus.

But KNOWING this doesn’t necessarily change feelings and even choices…and there remain a landmine of good “excuses” for bad eating ahead. And quite honestly, I can’t promise here or myself, that I will make any different choices next week or even tomorrow.

In the short term, what I can do, I think, is stay as true to core concepts as I can to lose back what I have gained, so as to at least catch myself before I go back up. I feel that if I can even just maintain through this bumpy spell, then I can work on the rest after the holidays without having done too much damage. Although like always, this reperesents a putting off of “getting it” and embracing the lifestyle for the long haul. At times I feel as if I haven’t really changed anything, or gotten anything that this journey is supposed to have taught me. I guess that I am a very bad student or suck at applying all that I do believe that at least my head knows.

In other matters of denial, I’d also like to think that the situation with the cats is getting better. Except that we found a long tear of Spice’s left ear that likely indicates that she got in a brawl with Gingerbread and was injured without us even knowing it. I want to think that this problem will just go away by itself, but it really isn’t (just as I am not miraculously losing weight despite doing nothing to promote this). And Spice’s well being is being jeopardized as a result.

But what to do? In all honesty, we have tried a lot of things and followed a lot of people’s advice…but remain at a loss.

Similarily, I’d like to think that our Compeer friend, Kris, is getting better and it will all be ok soon. But, on our Thanksgiving visit, she talked loudly to herself instead of us for most of the time, and then abruptly ended the visit while speaking delusionally of how her Compeer application had been torn up and this was the last time she’d see us. She bolted the room before we could even try and reason about this, or say goodbye.

So the moral of today’s post is on the differences between the la la world of protective denial, and the harsh and sobering realities that require action and decision making.

Something I clearly suck at, but must face….

( Heavy sigh.)  One of these days.