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Weight: 184.2 lbs.
I’d like to think that despite my hiatus from any degree of sensible eating, that I wouldn’t have gained weight. And that it is easier going down than up since the surgery. I’d also like to believe that I am immune from weight gain, that pie has no calories, and that I am justified in taking breaks from good eating for reasons like the holidays.
Clearly this is misguided thinking based on denial. And I can admit it now that it is Tuesday, and I am past my weekend hiatus.
But KNOWING this doesn’t necessarily change feelings and even choices…and there remain a landmine of good “excuses” for bad eating ahead. And quite honestly, I can’t promise here or myself, that I will make any different choices next week or even tomorrow.
In the short term, what I can do, I think, is stay as true to core concepts as I can to lose back what I have gained, so as to at least catch myself before I go back up. I feel that if I can even just maintain through this bumpy spell, then I can work on the rest after the holidays without having done too much damage. Although like always, this reperesents a putting off of “getting it” and embracing the lifestyle for the long haul. At times I feel as if I haven’t really changed anything, or gotten anything that this journey is supposed to have taught me. I guess that I am a very bad student or suck at applying all that I do believe that at least my head knows.
In other matters of denial, I’d also like to think that the situation with the cats is getting better. Except that we found a long tear of Spice’s left ear that likely indicates that she got in a brawl with Gingerbread and was injured without us even knowing it. I want to think that this problem will just go away by itself, but it really isn’t (just as I am not miraculously losing weight despite doing nothing to promote this). And Spice’s well being is being jeopardized as a result.
But what to do? In all honesty, we have tried a lot of things and followed a lot of people’s advice…but remain at a loss.
Similarily, I’d like to think that our Compeer friend, Kris, is getting better and it will all be ok soon. But, on our Thanksgiving visit, she talked loudly to herself instead of us for most of the time, and then abruptly ended the visit while speaking delusionally of how her Compeer application had been torn up and this was the last time she’d see us. She bolted the room before we could even try and reason about this, or say goodbye.
So the moral of today’s post is on the differences between the la la world of protective denial, and the harsh and sobering realities that require action and decision making.
Something I clearly suck at, but must face….
( Heavy sigh.) One of these days.
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Weight: not til tomorrow!
Thank God it’s Monday. I am exhausted from everything weekend and holiday, and actually look forward to catching up on the laundry etc. in solitude today. There is much fussing that needs to get done here, but nothing extraverted, I hope. I may have to bind and gag extraverted Tom, though!
Yesterday was a blur from the get go, and included the brunch here, cat show, dinner out with Rose afterwards, and then she lingered here over pie and such, until late. And then, her sister called just after she left, compelling me to call Rose back to fill her in on the day we chose for our Christmas gathering. And ended up talking to Rose like another 3 hours on the phone! Who does that?! (Me, apparently!)
Anyway, I didn’t get to bed until 11:00 which is very late for now sleep deprived me, and this morning am exhausted as a result.
I have to grapple with my doctors office in a phone call when they open, and dread this. I hope that they don’t argue with me about the $42 more they added to my already paid $150 for my recent physical. I am gearing up for a fight about this and so hope that they just erred. Because who adds more money onto an already agreed upon price paid in cash during the visit? And, who charges $192 for a physical in the first place? I thought $150 was high…and they were clear that they offer no discounts for cash pay when one lacks insurance coverage as I do (for preventative care). I desperately hope to not have this contaminate my good feelings about this new doctor and her office, as if you follow me here, you know that I was otherwise pleased and glad to have even found a doctor at all after quite a search for one and bad past experiences.
And I am almost too weary to handle much of such stress well today.
But at least it’s not the weekend! (Try not to lynch me, please!) Ha Ha!
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Weight: I’m not ready yet!
Ugh! It continues to be a whirlwind of fun and food and frolic around here, and I feel bloated and tired. But happy, I guess.
Yesterday’s benefit was very nice, and we schmoozed with friends Joe and Kathy who volunteer for 10 Lives. And shopped at their crafts and junk tables, and gambled on their chinese auction.
And ate, of course. There was homeade chili and split pea soup (and I ended up having both!), and sandwich platters and baked goods and freshly popped kettle corn and….
And I tried some of much of it. Mercifully, not too much though, as I was full from the soup. Thank god for a smaller tummy as I may have had way more if I could have. Not a vote of confidence here for my ability to do well in the long haul. But I’ll leave that blog for another day.
I did win 3 baskets, all of which are pet themed. Now Spice will have a new kitty bed and toys, and I will have some new trinkets to donate to the bingo prize basket that I hope to finally bring to Barb next weekend.
Now today, we are having several friends over for brunch, and this means way more food. We have purchased many things for this “event” and our frinds bring things too. You’d think we are having a 10 course dinner instead of a 9:30 am breakfast!
Afterwards, we are then heading with one friend, Rose, to the cat show. She too is a big cat lover and owner and it should be fun. Although admittedly, half of me is looking forward to tomorrow when such social events die down and I can renew my resolve to try and be more focused and diligent food and weight wise, and when I can relax a little. I tend to get stressed by too much of anything, and even such wonderful company and social events can feel burdensome when there are too many in a row, and especially if there is much I need to do at home. And with the holidays approaching, this is certainly so…and it shoud be an interesting ride. If I keep going with the flow I am likely to be burnt out and 300 lbs. again…so I must learn to practice saying “no” to others and mostly myself.
And we all know how “good” I am at this…!
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Weight: Ugh!
Although today’s post could be about my probably ongoing weight gain and hiatus from sensibilities and the toll this is taking, it really isn’t. It could also be about how after a grand start at the casino again yesterday, we stayed over 12 hours and ended up losing, and were reminded that casinos are designed to TAKE your money, not line your pockets.
It could also be referring to our early morning (5:00 a.m.) trip to Target where we stupidly and naively thought we could run in and out with the one sale item we coveted. And how the line snaked a few miles through the store, and we gave up and went to Big Lots instead. And then threw in the whole shopping towel and ended up at the casino at 6:30 in the morning.
But, no, rude awakenings actually refers to the bumpy, sleep deprived night we just had. Starting with Tom’s yelling at 1:35 a.m., thinking that the cats were fighting (again). He said that he heard a high pitched whine and a screech, and assumed the cats were going at it and started screaming “no!”
But, he realized that instead it was someone who had crashed into a tree just across the street from our house at the church. This is a relatively busy road, and apparently the guy was drunk. Tom looked out the blinds in time to see the crunched van trying to extricate itself from the church lawn and facing directly into our house (so that if he had, he likely would have run right into our bedroom!) He then saw the man who couldn’t get out of his crushed driver’s door, work his way out the passenger side, and run due east.
Tom yelled to call the police, then did so himself, and they arrived in force in minutes. I started yelling for Tom to put some clothes on as he was naked and didn’t seem to notice…and he ended up going out and talking to them. And apparently was such a valuiable witness that when they then found the drunk a half hour later, they decided to come over and interview Tom some more. At like 2:00 a.m. And the funny thing is that I heard the cop ask Tom: “Are you gonna stay up, because we may need to ask you some more questions a little later?”
What do you think?
Sadly, this pretty much turned out to be so, but not by choice. Because now as the cats got all agitated by the yelling and company and change in routine, they DID start fighting and hissing, and we both had to be vigilant lest they kill each other in the night.
And then, when finally falling off in the wee hours, I got one of the worst charlie horses ever, and threw in the towel!
Its too bad that once again we have a long day scheduled (the annual fund raiser for the cat charity we support, amongst other things)…as we are pooped from all the excitement and upheaval and drama and eating and gambling and playing and holidays! And I thought work was exhausting!
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Weight: I can’t bear to know
It’s a slippery slope of weight gain that I know that I am on, and now I don’t even dare weigh myself as I am not emotionally prepared to see proof of the damage I am sure that all this eating is doing to me. Not yet, anyway. I am on hiatus from reality until after the weekend is over. Unfortunately although Thanksgiving is over, my hedonism isn’t done yet. Today we are heading (back) to the casino, and hope to last the day, which will mean eating their buffet and adding to my week’s overindulgences some more.
Yesterday we enjoyed fine company and a wonderful and seemingly endless meal at our friend’s house. There was a Russain couple (from Canada, currently), a Hispanic couple and a lesbian couple, making us the most boring and typical people there. Most of us laughed until we cried, got along great and covered every subject imaginable while together. There was also desserts brought by every one of them, and these included Russian chocolates, two different pumpkin pies, a homeade Russian pastry, pecan pie, apple crisp and a carrot cake. I had to try a little of most everything, and then wondered why the room began to spin a little while later.
Seriously though, I got all shaky and disoriented and drunk feeling, and was stupid enough to think that it may have been the (non-alcoholic, as I was later told!) sparkling beverage we all got to toast with. Only after I almost passed out and could barely walk, did I realize that my blood sugar level had probably plummeted from all the sugar I had consumed, and took measures to stay alive a little longer. It was embarassing, but I ended up tearing into the nut platter and appetizers that I had brought. How wierd this must have looked to so many stuffed people.
I ate these all the way home and seriously continued to feel as if I was going to die if I didn’t get my levels up FAST. I hardly remember feeling so “drunk”.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I will live to eat stupidly again, and now am off to probably do just that. Oh, and shop some black Friday deals like any self respecting American who is whipped into a frenzy this time of year. Let’s hope that at least this will burn off not just a few dollars, but some excess calories as well.
Geez…am I forgetting any other possibl;e ways of living a life of excess?! A quote about “too much of a good thing…” keeps running through my head. It’s too bad that I’m just not ready to listen….
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Weight: Takin’ a break!
I deserve a day of denial every now and again. And if ever there was a day that I can’t bear to know what I weigh, it is today. Besides, I expect that it will climb even higher before the day is out. We are due to our friend’s house for a traditional feast at 3:30, and if their dinner is anywhere near the amount of calories that the appetizers I am bringing are, I may as well just throw in the towel right now. There are 6 couples due, and everyone is bringing something to go with the probably 100 main dishes that Zoe and Dennis prepare.
I don’t plan to eat again until 2011 after today….
Before we head to their house, we are due to visit Kris at the psychiatric center, if she remains well enough emotionally to tolerate it. We have not been allowed to see her for several months now as she has been so unstable, but the psychiatrist felt that she may be doing a little better on some new meds., and may be able to handle seeing us. We are somewhat apprehensive as she can get aggressive and/or delusional very quickly, and it is also hard to gauge whether she is actually made more sad by seeing us, as somewhere deep within her it reminds her of better times when she was well enough that we could take her places and such. Sometimes she cries bitterly and repeatedly and inconsolably asks why we don’t see her or take her out like we used to - and no matter what our answer is, she is hurt and angry about it and then “fires” us as her volunteer friends.
Let’s hope today goes better….
And, as to the “bad idea turned good” - Tom and I ate at a chinese buffet last night to celebrate finishing our work week and the upcoming holiday. We felt full and happy afterwards, and spontaneously decided to head to the casino for some pre-holiday fun and a chance to walk off the food. And I may as well have been the original Golden Child for how well I did! I couldn’t lose, and in fact won a hand pay ($1250) jackpot soon after arriving. And it was uphill from there!
I won and won and won on everything form penny to two cent to quarter to fifty cent and then to dollar machines…and we ended up coming home with $2450 to the good!! This amount includes the money that Tom lost, and a long and exhausting night of play on both of our parts. In fact, we didn’t get home until after 1:00, which is way past our typical bedtime by my math. And now we are rather pooped as we head into this holiday weekend.
But…richer (and fatter) and happier…and off to a pretty darn good holiday celebration, if you ask me!! Hope yours is as grand!!!!
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Weight: 183.4 lbs.
I sure am! I’m eating like it, too. Or perhaps I should say that I WILL be dying if I keep eating like this. Semantics….
Yesterday I had eggs for breakfast, 2 cheese sticks, a yogurt and an apple for various snack “moments” at work, a Reese’s peanut butter cup left from Halloween and stored in my desk drawer, and then a liverwurst sandwich and a bite of Tom’s tuna sandwich and later some animal crackers and peanut butter for snack. Wierd eating, too much carbs and probably too little protein. No veggies and too much sugar. But, typical for lately. Thank God someone is going to feed me on Thanksgiving, so at least there is hope for some balance, a veggie or two, and a sit down, wholesome dinner. Albeit too much food, I am sure.
And here I thought that I had skipped the 183’s altogether. I guess I am now glad to be back DOWN to 183. For now.
That’s really all for now, folks, as I am off to another marathon work day, and I am sure that you have better things to do on the day before Thanksgiving, than to read about how much I am eating.
Like go eat up a storm yourselves…!
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Weight: 183.6 lbs.
I’m still fatter than I was last week on weigh-in day and at this time. Although I tried to cut back some yesterday, there were still too many tasty left overs to avoid all temptation, and I blew it, although a little more moderately than the days before.
And, the only exercise I got was helping Tom construct the cat “tree”. As you can see, Spice is loving it - although she did sleep in her little bed just two feet away through the whole building process. She seemed entirely disinterested in it until Gingerbread stealthily came to investigate, and then she couldn’t get enough of it. She is jumping from level to level as I write this, and seems to find safe haven from Gingerbread at the very top.
Alas I must leave both kitties and run off extra early today for a marathon work day. I am hoping that Tom will keep a little more of a watchful eye on things at home while I am gone, as Gingerbread wants to try the tree out too, and this is bound to put the cats in more direct contact with one another and could prove tragic. Yesterday after what seemed like days of a truce, Gingerbread did attack Spice while she was checking out the living room…and we still can’t take any chances. Let’s hope this tree is a godsend rather than a trap…we’ll hafta see as time goes by.
But, so far, so good. And for now, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
{Mmmm….fish!}
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Weight: 184.4 lbs.
I wish that I was referring to having some bricks in my pocket, as a handy excuse for why I have gone up in weight. But, I am referring to the speaker at last night’s metal detecting meeting. He actually brought like a hundred unique bricks from all over the world with him, and talked for like an hour about them. He owns the 2nd largest collection of bricks in the world ( 9,000, I believe) and has extensive knowledge about everything brickish. And the hoarder, collector and historian in me found it all quite fun and interesting.
But, no, I am not going to now run out and start collecting them either. Stones and beach glass and shells and eggs and globes and books and toys and games and….maybe, but not bricks. They’re too heavy!
And so am I! Today I already have my more moderate menu planned out, as I MUST lose back what I gained in time to gain it back again at Thanksgiving. And Christmas. We are going to our friend’s Zoe and Dennis house for Thanksgiving, and they always have a feast of massive amounts of cooked and brought foods. They are having 6 couples over, so no doubt there will be 6x the usual amount of goodies even. And Dennis’ mother, who is Polish, always makes the most extraordinary desserts.
Is it Thursday yet…?
Today the cat tree is supposed to come and I am excited and eager to build it for little, still exiled Spice. The poor thing runs from “safe” room to “safe” room in the back of the house, nervously eyeballing the hallway in between to be sure that Gingerbread isn’t stalking her. They haven’t actually fought in weeks, but clearly Spice remains traumatized, and I am concerned that she must feel bored and lonely with so little room to roam. So hopefully today we will be building her an expensive monstrosity to play and sleep on, and to remove another 6 feet of living space from our ever shrinking house.
Then tomorrow and Wednesday I have like 25 clients scheduled and very long days. Which I can’t complain about because this is just a two day work week for me, before I then have five, count ‘em, five days off in a row! I am excited about this even though this also means that I have 2 less days of paycheck. Tom and I have many things planned, and I am feeling as if we are already operating on holiday mode. Stores have begun with their pre-black Friday bargains, food and decorations are aplenty, and the air has that feel about it.
And I am already eating things normally not allowed EXCEPT when celebrating. It’s funny how even my stomach has been whipped into a holiday mindset
Now if only I could focus on things like bricks instead…!
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Weight: 184.3 lbs.
We spent 12 hours out yesterday…first at a local event, and then to Rochester. And ate probably 11 of those hours. Including baked goods from the a.m. Ukrainian event, a home cooked meal that Dorothy made us, more baked goods, and dinner out at a wonderful Rochester diner. Suffice to say, I have gained some more. And it still isn’t Christmas yet.
The 180’s are a funny weight for me, as 182 was a long time goal to beat, and represents another major effort in my life to lose to a respectable amount. It also represents failure, as I stayed in the 80’s for probably only minutes before gaining everything back.
You’d think I’d have more respect for myself and for the 80’s this time around.
I must get into the 70’s to bypass these emotion laden numbers, and to see some new ones that represent new opportunity and life.
But clearly I’m not going to do it like this!
And clearly I want my cake and to eat it too…literally AND figuratively.
And these IS some left over….
Lord, help me!!
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November 30th, 2010 | 
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