Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 185.3 lbs.

I am dangerously tired this morning after staying up until way too late for me again last night, talking on the phone to Rose.But it was well worth it!

 She called with the premise of checking up on Spice, and ended up telling me that she quit her job! For someone who was overworked, underpaid and in a terrible, dead end position where she was treated horribly, this is GOOD news!

We discussed how she went about doing this somewhat on the spur early Monday morning, and how she feels now about it. She is in the process of healing from yesrs of difficulties, and is exhilirated at the prospect of reinventing herself. On the other hand, it is scary and dangerous to quit without another job lined up, and so not like her to do this. She knows that she will need to hustle to be ok, but it was worth the risk given how she was compromising herself emotionally and physically under the stress of this last position.

And it is funny that this speaks to what I had just blogged about, and how invigorated even I am by her bold actions.

We probably all have secret fantasies about “sticking it to the man”, and I certainly enjoyed hearing hers and hope to be able to celebrate a revewed life with her.

I am very fortunate to not be in such a situation myself and appreciate my job at many levels. Just the same, I am aware that many of my friends are struggling in various stages of job related stressors, and that this takes a toll on every aspect of their being. As I am sure that many of you reading this are faced with similar situations if not for yourself, your loved ones.

It is a wonder that anyone can find peace and fulfillment and balance these days and with so many different sorts of pressure, but I guess that we have to work that much harder and be that much more creative to do so. Which sometimes I am good at, and sometimes I fail at miserably.

But for today, I am going to be emboldened by Rose’s actions, revel in her bravery, and live my own life as if I too was the keeper of my own destiny and can create any lifestyle for myself that allows for health and balance.

And to this I say: “touche’!”

Weight: 185.7 lbs.

I had a wonderful dream last night that has left me feeling good this morning. Despite my cramps and the late night that I had last night. I didn’t even get home from work until after 7:30, ate at like 8:00, and then couldn’t just go to bed. So I stayed up til (gasp!) 10:30!!

Anyway, I dreamt that I was losing weight left and right, it was warm and sunny and full of promise out, and I was living somewhere safe and happy and amongst friends and caretakers. No one distinctly jumps out at me, and the whole dream has faded into surrealism, but I recall the feeling of complete peace and contentment. The recognition that I was on track and safe and ensconced in beauty and security.

I figure that I didn’t work, and seemed to have lots of time to simply explore and to live. I don’t remember any specific details, but can still feel the warmth of the sun.

This has got me thinking about the concepts of time and stress. In our staff meeting last night, one of my colleagues who is a psychologist for the State as well, was talking about how he plans to retire from there within the next few months. He was telling us how he plans to reinvent himself anf live a much less stressful life, complete with the security of his great State pension and part time job with us. I guess this concept played on me, and I got a feeling of wanderlust from just the idea. I feel as if my life so often swirls out of control due to the hectic pace we live, and I don’t even work as many hours as most people that I know.

I also have noticed that all of my friends are caught up in the same cycle of stress and time constraints, and that the good times we used to leisurely share without a sense of hurriedness, don’t seem to ever occur anymore. Everyone I know seems to be pushed to the limit, and if we can make social plans at all, these are squished into our jammed lifestyles, and may even provoke feelings of guilt because there is so much else to do instead that it is hard to relax fully. My friend Zoe was saying before the meeting that she has to take two week long vacations from work, for instance, because the first week is simply spent decompressing from her job and she can’t fully appreciate or enjoy her trip until she has shaken this off first.

And I know that when our friends visit or join in some activity with us, they grouse about so many other things they must neglect for the time spent enjoying themselves, making our time together usually more about processing stress rather than truly letting our hair down. I do remember times many years ago when this didn’t seem so, and when we seemed to have endless time to invent fun things to do and to live in the moment. I’m not sure what has happened, as I am not talking about newly married friends or friends with children who demand their time. I do think that it is a function of job stress and the hectic pace of trying to keep it all together in this day and age.

And I resent it and wish for simplier times and the freedom to live more fully. I wish this for all my friends and yearn for my dream to be true…but even as I write this, I am aware that doing so is making me late to get off to work on time, and I can’t even indulge my thoughts as I’d like.

Does one really have to retire to feel differently, or do even retirees feel the pressure of everyday minutae that interferes with life’s pleasures? And why haven’t I even read a book in years now, when I used to manage to read several a month, even while holding down as many as three jobs at a time at one point in my life?

My thought is that it is about more than work and that the “clutter” of merely managing in todays’ crazy world creates as much stress and obscures clear vision, as much as anything.

Sadly making my dream just that. But at least I hope to have the rest of the morning to savor the creamy, dreamy sense of peace that it washed over me.

Until I get to work, that is.

Sigh….

Weight: 185.4 lbs.

Good news! After much to do to get Spice in to see the vet at the SPCA, they said that rather than a hernia, she just has some deep tissue swelling in her incisional area. And that this is nothing to worry about and should resolve itself without treatment soon. Yippee!

So now we have bumped up her “meet the new vet” visit to next Monday, and must keep her in quarantine until then. Unyippee!

But, not having to see her go through another major ordeal or health crisis is a huge relief, and if I weren’t in so much PMS pain right now, I’d be jumping for joy.

Instead I am practically curled into a fetal position of pain and dreading today’s 12 hour work day like the plague. I won’t get home until around 7:30 or 8:00, and may have bled to death by then. Or so it feels.

Ah, isn’t womanhood lovely! If  only I could have at least been a male until Thursday when the longest part of my work week would have been over. But I don’t think it works like this….

The good news from this is that I feel too yucky to be hungry, and may actually lose some weight or something. I guess that there’s a silver lining to everything if I’m so inclined as to look for it. Which I’m usually not. But for today, I’ll use whatever psychology I can to make it through, celebrate the good news about Spice, and maybe even help some people in worse shape than me!

And to all of this I say: “Onward, Ho!”

Weight :185.1 lbs.

Despite eating out with Debbie last night, I managed to lose a little weight. Frankly I think this is because I ordered and ate a large bowl of chili, and this morning it left me along with anything else I have eaten all week! Hey, whatever works!!

Also, I finally went and bought a crap load of “new” clothes yesterday. As I feel as if I (hopefully) am not done losing yet and don’t want to invest much in NEW things, I did all my shopping at the nearby Sallie Ann. I ended up buying 37 items, including 2 nice fall coats (as I had NONE whatsoever left), numerous shirts and sweaters and pants of all types. I was there for a very long time and was pleased to see so many things that seemed as if they would fit. There were also numerous items in my old sizes, and at times, a sense of melancholy swept over me when I would see an item that I would have liked when I was much heavier. Of course back then I could rarely find anything that fit, and finding them now instead, was wistful for me. I also had trouble knowing what sizes to now purchase, as I have little sense of what fits and how I really look. I grew weary from the process and had such a cart full, that I also didn’t want to try them on there.

So, I winged it, and left $110.o1 later with three huge bags full. By my math, this came out to just under $3 per item!

Anyway, most things I chose were either 1x or 16/18’s. And, when I washed and tried them all on at home, only 2 ended up being a wee bit too small, and one was too big. Otherwise, everything fit quite nicely, and I now finally have a whole “new” wardrobe. Many of the items were Alfred Dunner, who is my favorite maker of plus sized clothing items. They are quite nice and classy…well, by my standards, anyway!

I will be weeding out my closet even more in coming weeks both as the weather gets colder and as I continue to downsize…so fitting the new items is actually no problem. And although I still hate clothes shopping, I must say that this was my easiest and best experience to date. It is amazing how many more things are made in 1x than 3x…although this having been said, I wonder how after losing nearly 120 lbs., that I am only down 2x sizes from where I started. Doesn’t this seem odd somehow??

Lastly, I also went to Wegman’s and found a 2000 mg. liquid D vitamin that cost about $14 for 180 “shots”.They are called Ddrops. I plan to add this to my daily routine as I still feel as if I am deficient on D even with what I have thus far been supplementing with. I was excited to find this (new?) product out, and will be eager to see if it helps my values next time that blood is drawn. The end of this month I meet with an all new primary doctor, and also look forward to starting fresh and hopefully discussing such things with her. I have been told that she is thorough and nice, and I do hope this will improve upon past medical experiences.

All told, I rather feel as if I am getting my proverbial house in order, and hope that this will continue “catching” and inspire me in other ways as well (ie: exercise!)

I’m not sure if its a fall thing or a “nesting” instinct or the fact that their seems to be a pleasant lull in our lives…but whatever the case, it sure seems like a good time to get on board!

Weight: 185.8 lbs.

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t had much to say here for a little while. One friend told me behind the scenes that the high point of her day is reading my blog. She followed this up with…”oh my god, I’ve got to get a (life)!”  Yeah, really!

Another said that on Monday when the cat was gone, I implied that I could finally hunker down and write something here without interruption. And ended up with “like a paragraph!”

I guess that this could be construed as a good thing. I think that my life is in a holding pattern, and there is mothing hugely new in the health, diet, exercise, weight loss or any other arena. Perhaps I should be doing amazing and innovative things, shaking it up and inventing new strategies to lose. Or perhaps I should at least be LOSING or fussing about this is some way.

Buit, frankly I am just doing my thing…slowly and without major emphasis, and this could be a good thing unless one is looking for revelations, angst, or blood and guts here.

Of course I would like to lose more and more quickly, and I have my moments where I realize how damned fat I still am, that my BMI is still in the obese range, and my waist is unacceptably large by Dr. Oz’s guidelines. I realize that this still likely puts my health at risk, and I am far from a success story. I also know that I have not yet resumed formal exercise, and am creaky and lazy and less likely to get where I should or even maintain if I don’t work harder to step it up.

I’m not dumb.

Except that I am…because even knowing these things, I haven’t instituted action yet to address them.

And I am busy living a relatively “normal” (deluded?) lifestyle in the meantime, fretting over the cat, entertaining, preparing for winter, dealing with everyday issues. And not thinking about my weight every blessed minute.

Which can either make for a boring and stagnant blog for those looking for more, or one that can be related to by others who are just doing their thing, day in and day out, and are no longer “obsessed” with the process or the results.

And as to whether this is a “good” or “bad” thing goal wise - we’ll all just have to wait and see.