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Weight: 186.6 lbs.
Echhhh! There was non stop food at the benefit we attended last night, starting with a spaghetti dinner that was included in the admission price. I was starving from metal detecting just before this, and ate half my plate before giving the rest to Tom. But, this didn’t stop me from nibbling the rest of the (long) night away on the liberal snacks and dessert foods also provided. We were sitting at a table with a cheese and cracker plate before us, and just because it was there, I grabbed at it throughout the evening. Plus Tom brought us little plates of goodies from the other tables, and of course, I just had to “try” a little of everything.
And get my money’s worth! Although I suppose that winning two big baskets might have done this. I am happy for the winnings, as it was so crowded there was tons of competition. The wonderful news is that the poor man that it was for (who has lymphoma) must have gotten a lot towards his medical bills and such.
The only hope I had yesterday for some balance to my grazing behavior, was in the detecting we did beforehand on Janet’s brother’s old property in Williamsville. We did find some interesting and old things, including an intact wagon wheel buried about 2 feet down, and a wheat penny. We also found broken glass ware, including some pieces that are irridescent. And like at my supervisors house, we also found evidence of “dumping” from the large quantities of scrap items all in the same holes. Its wierd what people must have been up to and thinking 100 years ago!
Anyway…today I must attempt to do better as it is now clear that the weight I gained is sticking and I have only been going up this week.
On the other hand, today is Halloween…and not exactly the day for a religous dieting experience! Tonight we spend on Pete’s porch indulging goblins and the like, and it usually is a “one for you, two for me” experience…or was, before my surgery.
And although I will be better than then, bets are off that I will teetotal altogether. That I’ll have to save for another day!
Sigh…there’s always tomorrow….
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Weight: 186.6 lbs.
Agh…I ate both (leftover) Mexican food and Chinese food yesterday! My appetite and poor choices lately know no bounds…and even my stomach hurts today probably as a result.
Debbie came over last night, weary and spent from her long day. We too were drained, and between us all, we struggled to decide how to share dinner. No one felt like going to a restaurant, fussing, or even moving. So…we ended up ordering take out Chinese food from a newly opened spot down the street. And, like Debbie and Tom, I ordered a soup entree (hot and sour) and a combo platter (chicken and garlic). In other words, sweet and salty and greasy…and unfortunately, tasty too!
I am really struggling here…. And, now I’ve got leftovers to last a lifetime, meaning more temptations for days to come. I’d like to say that I can just ditch them and get on with things, but let’s be real. When have I ever thrown out otherwise perfectly good anything, or not eaten like the natives?!
Sigh….
At least today I am slated to exert myself some when we go detecting later. Hopefully we’ll get a lot of “hits” that will necessitate much stooping and digging and movement. (And “treasure!”)
But, then tonight, we are supposed to attend a benefit for the ill brother of a co-worker. For the $25 admission price, it includes both dinner and snacks and wine/beer/pop all night. Again, not good for will powerless me! I’m no fortune teller, but I can see that I’m in for a rough few days here and that back to the 186’s may not look so bad soon if I keep this up.
Which segues me into my yesterday doctor stories. The punch line of which was that she asked me if I felt that I had gotten down where I had hoped to, which of course I answered “oh, no.” She asked what my goal weight was, and when I said that 130 would be nice, she scoffed and immediately said:”You’ll never get to 130! You’re too short for that!” What??! I asked her what she meant, and she said that the big losses are for taller people who have a significant advantage, and that being short I shouldn’t expect to do as well. I joked that she sounded like Garfield (”I’m not fat, I’m vertically challenged”), and she said “exactly.”
Now I’m not sure whether to love her, or scorn her…this seemed like a strange liberty to take with someone who is trying to look for a mentor in the weight loss process. Although perhaps realistic, as she is the 2nd medical professional to say so recently (see my post when I went to the bariatric center recently).
In any event, here was the overall scoop from this new doctor experience. The place was gloriously casual (even messy!) and comfortable and full of posters and visual stimuli, which I love. The staff was largely approachable and friendly, and between the paperwork and the two people (RN and someone else) that tested me before I met the doctor, incredibly thorough. This is the opposite extreme from where I came, and one of the staff said that other past patients of Dr. “T”’s have also said so (that he “didn’t do ANYTHING). Here, I got an eye and an ear and a breast exam, as well asall the usual vitals, AND an EKG. We discussed everything from past history to my surgery, and there were no judgements added which I always appreciate.
On the down side, they had several office emergencies while I was there, making my total time in the office nearly 3 1/2 hours long! Often I was left alone in my paper gown to nod off while sitting between “tests” on the table thing. Once I must have nodded off completely, because I woke up with a start in a completely dark room, as the light which is motion sensitive, had gone off! Talk about wierd and disorienting!
Anyway, the most heartening thing of all is when THEY LISTENED TO ME!!! When I told of my needle phobia and need for valium, no one batted an eye, and she simply asked “how much” while writing me a script. I got the impression that I could have asked for enough to sedate me for weeks, because when I conservatively asked for just a few, she actually said: “Is that all?” I didn’t have to fight or arm wrestle or beg or plead or state my case as a phobic or anything!!
Then, when I asked to be written in on the bloodwork order, the doctor simply said “ok” and asked that the receptionist do so. I almost cried with relief and gratitude! I was all prepared to make a fuss if I had to, and felt strangely deflated when I didn’t have to.
So, I think this place and these people are keepers, and I am so glad to have finally found someone I hope that I can trust and work well with. She (Dr. “B”) did chastise me a little however for not having seen my primary before for a year and a half, although she like her staff were appalled that he dropped me without even telling me so. She did state her expectation that I may be asked to come in on a more frequent basis to her, although she got my point about how our insurance doesn’t cover, and unless I had a reason, it was hard for me to justify. She has asked me to recheck certain blood values (good old ferritin, in particular, which I too am eager to do) for a January follow up, and I am actually glad for this as I agree with the Celebrate nutritionalist who said I shouldn’t wait a whole year to recheck as this level has steadily dropped and now is near the level for iron defieciency. I joked with the doc that I had purchased some liver and it was now sitting in the car (for nearly 4 hours) due to this marathon visit, and she complimented me for my use of food and vitamins to try and keep my levels up. But, the true test as to whether heme eating and doubling my dose of chewable Celebrate iron supplements, will be in January. My “d” vitamin level too.
So, there you have it…I am finally in good with a doctor, and HAPPY about it!!
See…maybe it wasn’t all me after all!
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Weight: 185.6 lbs.
Yikes, my weight has crept steadily up the last few days. On the other hand, we went out for a very late Mexican dinner with Rose and Nancy and their friends last night, and I ate like a pig as I had been starved for about 8 hours since an early snack/lunch. They met us at our house at 6:00, and we had plans to go to a haunted house before dinner. By the time we scared ourselves S***less going through this and then gathering chicken Rose from a nearby store, it was nearly 8:30 by the time we got our food from El Palenque. And I was nearly passed out from low blood sugar…and actually had felt so off balance while in the haunted house that I was sure that I would punch a ghoul or trip down the numerous creepy steps if I didn’t eat soon. Not exactly a smart thing to be doing when hypoglycemic!
Anyway, I ate from the bowl o’ chips and salsa as I was sooo hungry, that by the time my meal came, I couldn’t fit much more in. But I tried anyway, and today I have gone up even more. And it isn’t even halloween yet…so I am truly screwed for this whole week! And both tonight and tomorrow night we have dinner plans again, so a part of me feels like just throwing in the towel and figuring that the diet gods are stacked against me this week, and I can move back in the right direction after the Sunday pizza and candy and cider extravaganza that is ritual at Pete’s house.
Clearly I still want to live like I used to, at least to some degree, and I loathe to give up the rituals and foods of everyday life. At least not completely. When faced with them, I will try everything…but in significantly smaller portions, at least. This, combined with a lower frequency of such binges and typically better choices, is about all I have “learned” or changed, really. And I do constantly ponder if it is enough for sustaining loss, continued loss, or health. And I do wonder often if I am much different from most at 18 months out. I know that there are the strict and focused “Debra” like people out there who I strive to be like but have woefully determined that I am not and never will be…but are there perhaps a majority more like me?
Well, today I see a new doctor who has a reputation for thoroughness and being strict. It will be interesting to see what she thinks of me and of everything…assuming she is all that she is cracked up to be. I am bringing her gobs of old records and bloodwork results and the like, so hopefully she will have a good enough history on me to take it easily from here. I am somewhat apprehensive just the same, and wonder especially if I will like her and feel good about how it went. Perhaps I am putting too much stock in this, but I haven’t had a decent doctor in such a long time, I am really hoping to have someone I can trust and who may guide me some and be thorough enough that I feel as if I am in good hands. It should be interesting….
And, tomorrow I am sure that I will tell you all about it!
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Weight: 185.1 lbs.
It is a shame that I have gained back a little just in time for my 18 month surgiversary weigh-in. On the other hand, I can still say that I have lost NEARLY 120 lbs. since surgery, and although this pales in comparison to what many have accomplished, it is pretty good for me, just the same. It is hard now to even remember how I managed at over 300 lbs., but I vaguely recall that I felt huge and ashamed most of the time, and struggled to do even ordinary things then. Sometimes I read old posts here to remind myself from where I came, and this is both interesting and disheartening to do. On the other hand, I don’t want to forget why I did what I did, and the importance of it all . I still must live in fear that with chronic non compliance, I could end up back where I started or even worse. I certainly have read enough stories about this on the bariatric sites etc., to know how this can happen.
For now though, I continue to revel in new found abilities, sometimes as simple as walking decent distances or moving fluidly. I also keep finding long lost bones and always seem to startle at first and am convinced I am developing tumerous growths, before I realize that this is simple anatomy that had been long buried!
I’d like to add to this list that I now live without that nagging sense of guilt about food, but I can’t yet. I still can get my panties in a knot over food choices and all the thought processes involved in these. In fact, I still live with a sense of distortion, confusion and regret that can escalate to deafening at times. I don’t know if this remains a residual factor of a lifetime of eating disordered thinking that had not really changed, or if it is what everyone feels in today’s world of choices and exposure to such guilt provoking foods. I unfortunately suspect that it is the former, and that I remain emotionally screwed up about everything edible and dietary, and that despite the surgery, I am beset with chronic doubt and inner forces and voices that serve to manipulate and obscure healthy thinking. I had hoped that this would have subsided by now, but I figure that I would likely need to do much more work with myself and/or a therapist for this to now be so.
I also continue to struggle with the usual forces respective to inertia, time management, focus, self discipline of every kind and the power of old baggage to sabotage and pull me under. I remain prone to depression and anxiety, although I do believe to a lesser degree, and without the benefit of any medications. My hormones also continue to rage and send me into tailspins at times, and can cause such wierd changes in my mood and thought processes at times that I fear what actual menopause may be like for both Tom and I!
I wish that stomach surgery could have “cured” all that ails me and I could now say that I am free from addictive thinking and “evil” forces, but clearly it ain’t so. But, I AM better still in many ways, and the sheer power of physical capability can’t be underestimated for how it makes so much of life more accessible and meaningful;. And if nothing else, I continue to bask in this and reaps its benefits every day, and for now, life is good in this way.
And I will keep working on the rest….
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Weight: 185.8 lbs.
I’ve been a baaad girl! I have been eating as if I am about to hibrenate, and it is starting to show in my weight. Last night Tom and I went to dinner to a pizza buffet of all things, and I definitely did my fair share of damage. I’m not really sure what my need for indulgence is all about, and I can’t say that I felt better afterwards. Full, but not better.
Then, because carbs make me thirsty, I came home and drank like a million gallons of Cyrstal Light. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except that now I feel that much more bloated and chemically this morning. I have a long day with many clients all in a row today, and feel like going back to bed instead. Not the best recipe for good care of either myself or others!
Plus, the new little one awoke Tom and I numerous times last night, as we allowed her out for the first time. She slept with us which was sweet, except for when she wasn’t snuggled and purring, she was up chasing her tail on our tummies, snorking for attention, laying on or across our legs or in such a position that one couldn’t move, or walking around on our heads. IF one of our cats has slept with us in the past, we are used to them being mostly respectful and asleep much of the night!
The good news is that Gingerbread seems to have given up tormenting her already, although this may be because Spice has shown some backbone and made it clear that she would be no ones punching bag. Whatever the case, they already seem to have managed to co-exist, and we are relatively comfortable in allowing Spice the freedom of the house while we aren’t looking. And have our fingers crossed that we won’t come home to carnage….
And the way I have been eating lately, I may need to be watched that I too don’t decide to turn Spice into an appetizer!
Yum…kitty fingers!
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Weight: 185.1 lbs.
Well, Spice was sprung yesterday after she was deemed well by our vet. Well, actually he suggested that we wait until the results of her fecal exam came back likely today to ensure that she doesn’t have any parasite that she could transmit to Gingerbread. But, this likelihood is small, and we wanted to introduce them on my day off so I could spend the day supervising. So we decided not to wait the extra day as it has already been torturously long enough anyway.
And what a job this was! Gingerbread seems to hate her, and spent much of the time growling and stalking and hissing at her. I give Spice credit for not seeming to get intimidated by this and going about the business of exploring with little regard to the evil eye and swats that were clearly meant to put her in her place.
In any event, I grew weary of having to watch Gingerbread’s every move and work so hard to keep Spice from harm, and ended up putting Spice back into isolation a few hours later. I hoped that if I slowed the process down that the next time I let her out, it would also go better. But, poor Spice cried and scratched behind her closed door, and eventually I relented. It did go a little better the 2nd time around, but she was put back in “jail” for the night as we couldn’t risk them being together all night without oversight. Not is we expect to sleep and wake up to two ok cats again in the morning.
So. today we’ll have to do this all over again in doses as we have time…well, Tom mostly, as I work a long day.
Sigh. We had so hoped that Gingerbread would like Spice more than this, or at least tolerate her a little better. But, then again, this is probably a lot to ask of an 11 year old Diva who is used to being queen kitty and was probably secretly happy that Callie had passed and gotten out of her hair as well. Plus, Spice is young and spry and can be a blur of racing, hyper furriness, and for an old fart like Gingerbread, this is probably highly annoying at minimum, and overstimulating and provocative at maximum. I mean, I even feel agitated and like chasing her when she flies around the room like she does! We haven’t had this much energy in our house in years!
And perhaps some day this WILL inspire me to be more active and join in the fray and move my body the ways that I should be! Because there is nothing like a good role model for sleekness and enthusiasm to motivate…even if it is a cat!
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Weight: 184.6
There will be few words in today’s entry. Instead I am posting long overdue pictures, as promised. Yesterday we returned to MaryEllen’s house after our brunch here, and these shots include some taken here with our friends, and then there with her. We dug around as we did the day before, but got ushered off her property early when MaryEllen got nervous that her bow hunting neighbor might not be happy about us potentially scaring off his animals. Not to mention that none of us were in the mood to risk getting shot!
Anyway, there are some cool shots of the stuff we found the day before while there. Yesterday we found more cool things including more intact bottles, china and crockery. But as I haven’t had time to clean and sort it yet, there are no pics of it.
There are some of me at my current weight which for those of you who haven’t seen me in a while, may or may not make me look skinnier than last I posted. Hopefully so, anyway!
So…hover over the shots for a caption in case you care to know who and what you are looking at, and here goes:
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Weight: 184.6 lbs.
I guess that I am paying for having lost when I shouldn’t have, the day before. Because now, although I must have walked miles yesterday, I didn’t lose this time. Perhaps it was the slice of pizza I had with Janet and Tom last night….
Anyway, we spent a soggy day at MaryEllen’s farm detecting and getting wet and muddy. Janet had to keep her camera in the car for feat that it would get damaged for most of the time, defeating the whole point of why we went out there in the first place. The meterologists had not predicted rain, btw.
But, we did manage to have a great and relaxing time regardless, as there is just something about nature and the country that will do this to you. Not to mention all the walking that we did.
And, detecting! We have never hit the mother lode like we did yesterday…surely finding the site of a now long gone house from the 1800’s. The pure excitement and joy of discovering this ancient “burial ground” was incredible, and I gave up all couth and sat in the mud to forage like a prehistoric woman. And it turned out to be much more like an archeological dig than detecting, as most items were glass and ceramic rather than metal. Except for some scrap metal and a very old metal bowl of sorts.
What we found indicates that some pioneer family must have buried all their kitchen items in large holes. Hits for metal turned up tons of old pottery, dishware, apothecary and other bottles, a pitcher (in pieces) and other awesome finds. Pieces of glassware that we found and patched together last night, have the date 1858 etched on them. Old blue china says the exact date of Feb 2nd, ‘97. We assume this is 1897.
We MUST get back there soon and see what else we missed! (Damn that winter is coming!)
I do plan to take pics of the now washed and somewhat sorted collection, and post, perhaps tomorrow, when either the cat is sprung or Tom can sit her for me while I take some time to do computer things without her pawing at me.
Like now.
Til then, then!!
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Weight: 184.4 lbs.
I feared that I might have gained today given that I did stay up late and munched on both popcorn and an apple in the wee hours. This tends to be what happens when I am drooling in front of the tv and trying to have a “relaxing” evening washing the work day off. I don’t think it worked, and I simply ended up feeling like a slug instead. Although I did get to kill off a few movies from my overcrowded DVR. And visit with Tom a little. Sometimes we get so busy and caught up in the hectic pace of things that we forget to connect and chat. So, in this sense, I guess it went ok.
Today will be spent with our friend Janet as we head out to my supervisor’s 100 acre farm for picture taking (Janet) and metal detecting (us). It might be slightly past fall peak, but it promises to be a nice day out, and I am feeling a hankering to get out in nature and get my “fix”. This is always so good not just for the waist line but for the soul and spirit, and the quietude is critical for my overall sense of purpose and well-being. The actual detecting comes second, but is a nice bonus, especially if we actually manage to find something.
Actually, we are on a quest while there to locate the foundation of a very old structure that is now long gone and overgrown. But, if we can find where it was, this site promises to have the potential for old treasure, and may in fact be where I found the 1865 bottle last time we were there. If this reflects how old this structure was, I can only imagine what may be laying underground waiting to be found. This is what detectorist’s live for!
Then tomorrow we are having Janet and another friend (Debbie) over for our monthly brunch gathering, and afterwards, Tom and I may head out for a fundraiser/gala across town. I spotted it advertised in the paper and it sounds fun, but we are on the fence about whether to book ourselves up so tightly or not. And, as Spice sees the vet on Monday morning and there is a good likelihood that she will be deemed well enough to “be sprung”, we need to make some more time to cat-proof the house before she is let loose into it, never to be seen again. With our old, fat cat(s), we didn’t have to worry anymore…but with Spice’s energy, inquisitive nature and slinkiness, this place could be one big Bermuda triangle to her.
All told I feel decent energy and in good balance for the tasks at hand and this stage of my process. I find that I now have a decent attitude about food choices, and the fact that I am losing again must attest to this. So, between the diverse and active lifestyle that we live, complete with varied opportunities for socializing, recreating and tending to business, and a decent attitude, I can’t complain. And do feel as if I am on the right path for success at this time.
And if in today’s quest for buried treasure we happen to more figuratively do the same by finding where the old house used to be, this would be an even grander meaning of the word!
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Weight: 184.5 lbs.
Lets see…I went to bed at 7:45 last night, and I lost some weight. In the short term, this is good news, and today I finally feel rested and refreshed. And skinnier!
I am approaching my 18 month surgiversary, and hope to post some pics in concert with this. Assuming that kitty is sprung from exile…ie: this computer room. So I can post pictures and blog in peace. Currently it goes something like this: Write, write…”oh hi, Spice…are you done with your breakfast already? Please don’t bother mommy, I haven’t finished writing yet. Write, write. “Ouch, Spice, please stop climbing my leg!” Write, write…”Spice, leave mommy alone. Yes, I know, I love you too….look, I see a little more food in your bowl. Please go eat some more and let me finish. Ouch! Stop swatting me…!”
I see the makings for a kitty food addict, what about you?
Anyway, I see that my entries are getting shorter and blaher, and hope that once I can think and write and be creative again, that I can spice up this place. No pun intended! I haven’t posted any pics in some time, and these are sorely overdue. Not that I look THAT different, mind you. But I’d hate to miss my “80’s” all together…assuming I will move past them sometime soon.
Which, given that I have broken out of my forever long “90’s” stall, I now feel some hope to do. Now last night Tom and I even did go out to eat (at IHOP) to use up our BOGO coupon. I got an omelet with everything in it, and some pancakes! I could have gotten the fruit, but wanted a taste of cakes instead, and did say screw it! I had just that (a taste) and gave the rest to Tom…which I realize is a design flaw in and of itself. Plus, I took most of the rest of my omelet home as it was way too big for one meal.
So…I guess that I sort of “deserved” to lose…and do feel good knowing that given that I am nowhere near goal yet, that I still have room to go and may keep losing despite my best window being gone.
And, this having been said and Spice having finished her breakfast…I had better run.
“Down girl!!!”
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October 31st, 2010 | 
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