Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.4 lbs.

Yesterday Tom and I spent the day with our friend Rose. It was initially intended as a make-up day for last Saturday, and we were to spend the day in the park, metal detecting and picnicing. But, due to a rainy weather forecast, we decided to do a variety of other things instead. These included shopping at an antique co-op in the shape of a barn, going to a nursery, eating lunch out, and shopping at Petsmart. There I found several kitties I yearned to adopt, making me feel a little better that I must be starting to heal from losing Callie. One was named Callie however, and this broke my heart.

But, we did come home empty handed from there….and ended up stopping for ice cream to top off our summer day. And I blew a whole days worth of otherwise decent choices! The voices around me (Tom and Rose) as well as in my head, said things like: “It’s summer, you have to live like a normal human being and enjoy and indulge sometimes!” They went on to say: “As long as you only treat yourself like this on occassion, and we’ve had such a nice time today celebrating the labor day weekend.”

Voices of sabotage vs. voices of “reason”. Mostly in my head, and somewhat magnified by sentiments shared by loving and well meaning others. But, it is no one’s fault but my own for listening and “obeying.”

So, I had two scoops of full bodied ice cream…heavenly yet dangerous. And I’ve gained today possibly as a result. Plus, once you’ve aready blown it, there’s no point in being good the rest of the day, so I added popcorn into my evening down time, with voices that encouraged and supported this choices since, “at this point, what the heck.”

What does one do with such permissive and misguided voices?! Mine are as persuasive as an old schizophrenics!

And, speaking of which and a tacky segue, we did call to see if we could visit Kris this long weekend, only to find that her voices are as virulent as ever, and sadly, she remains unvisitable due to ongoing violent, unpredictable and self injurious behaviors. These truly are voices of a far more disturbing and sad kind, and truly highlights how damaging one’s inner world can be to them.

And in comparison, I must remember that I am fortunate and that my “condition” is treatable, and that I do have the power to gain mastery over this. Right?!