Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 191.5 lbs.

I keep making plans and deals with myself - some that I keep, and some that I don’t. This doesn’t feel much different than before surgery, when I was in constant battle with myself to “do the right thing.” Although clearly, I rarely did, or I wouldn’t have needed surgery in the first place!

My current list of “deals” include: ridding the house of all bad foods, and ensuring that no new ones come in. This one shouldn’t be so hard, as mostly I do the shopping/make the decisions about what is bought. On the other hand, every once in a while, I “sneak” in a bag of pretzels, some cheese crackers, or, especially if friends are due and I can use them as an excuse, some dessert item. Mostly though, we have a relatively junk free house, and sweets and snacks are kept to a minimum. This drove Janet crazy when she was over recently, as she desperately wanted something “fun” to eat, and we had nothing to offer.

My 2nd “deal” with myself, and one harder to wrap my head around at this moment, involves my plan to get back to morning exercising once Tom has started back to his school bus job, next week. I have used his presence in the mornings as an excuse not to work out, as he commandeers the basement himself, and I don’t want to share or be seen when I do my thing. This means however, that I must start back Wednesday, and as of this moment, I’m not feeling the love on this one. All I can think of is how hard it used to be to fit my morning routine, which includes writing here, plus exercise, and still get to work on time. It makes me anxious just thinking of adding in one more thing. But, I doubt that I would do any better adding it on after work….. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do with this one.

Another “deal” involves what and when I eat - but this is a chronic one, and one I have grappled with all along. I still tend to eat too much and too often, I think, and am prone to evening munching that is probably the worst thing I can do. IF in fact I eat crap like pretzels at all, it is always at night when I am trying to have the whole package experience of unwinding, that includes tv and food. If I could even just eliminate all food after 7:00. this would help a lot. This might make sense to be my primary “deal.” But, like all the others, I still need will power and fortitude to institute it.

Lastly, for now, I must contract with myself to tackle internal demons and undertones that serve to sabotage, give voice to complacency and doubt, shake up my resolve, and lead me down the wrong roads. And not just with food, either.

And somehow these are all sounding more like New Years Resolutions than I meant, although I guess they aren’t much different.

But whatever they are called, I know that they are all necessary components for my success, and the primary areas that I currently struggle with.

What about you?