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Weight: 192.4 lbs.
Yesterday Tom and I forced ourselves to live as normally as possible, and tried to enjoy the beautiful summer day, time with his visiting family, some shopping and dinner at Duffs.
We headed out early to some garage sales, and I must say that this did afford some degree of escape from the oppressive feeling of grief. Until we went to one with numerous cat items, and another with a puppy eager for attention. I managed, but it doesn’t take much to have such sadness creep in that it feels as if my heart will break.
Later, we got some household things done, and I fell asleep into a drooling puddle of emotional and physical exhaustion in front of the tv. When I awoke, we called my brother for some computer advice, to catch up, and to tell him about Callie. I am never sure if he even reads my posts here despite being the administrator, and discovered that he had not, and was unaware of her passing and even her failing health before this. I am getting good at telling people to “read what I wrote” as a way of informing and updating them on this, however so annoying this must be. But for me, it allows me to not have to rehash all the painful details.
After this, it was nearly time to meet Kay and Paul at the Duff’s restaurant where President Obama visited earlier this year. To kill time, we stopped at a thrift store next door, and I bought a pair of size 16 pants that fit nicely and I am pleased on two accounts. Although I have obviously not lost weight, these represent a new size down for me, and my marriage size.
I also bought a little cloisoinne kitty that makes me feel both sad and happy, and gave her a place of honor on our coffee table at home.
We then went on to have a very nice dinner and time with Kay and Paul, although admittedly a dinner of hot chicken wings and even some fries, is tatamount to chewing on fried gristle, downing two shakers of salt, and washing it all off with a pitcher of grease. But, this is a must choice for them when they visit from Florida, and as long as I don’t eat like this except for when they are up, I suppose that I will live. However, as can be seen, not surprisingly, I also gained. I do attribute this to the grease and salt and then gobs of fluids I had later to try and quench my ravenous thirst.
Afterwards, we went together to Sam’s Club, and stretched out enjoying their company and the evening, a little longer. Thank you Kay for humoring me with your Sam’s membership, even if you had just gone and didn’t buy a thing!
I must say that although I was a little apprehensive about my emotional and physical energy level going into the day, I guess that I fared well, and never became the blubbering mess I feared that I might. Even when we talked some of Callie’s passing at dinner, and they remembered her so kindly and fondly. I hope, as so many nice commenters have said, that sometime soon I too can simply feel good about the great times we had with Callie and the many ways that she enhanced our lives, devoid of such crushing grief and even guilt. I can feel it being a little easier already, and thank good friends and family for their part in helping me to restore some sense of normalcy, meaning and perspective to this process.
And on this note, I hope to continue on this same path today, and call it a wrap!
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Weight: 191.4 lbs.
I am better at writing about the poignancy of our loss and Callie’s life here, than talking about it or indulging my feelings with in most face to face situations. Sometimes I can talk on the phone or even find some way to express myself through humor, but I can’t hardly express myself with truth and openness even with my closest friends. It just hurts too much and I hate crying
Last night Janet, who is into photography and creativity, brought over a handmade photo card and a beautifully mounted version of the Rainbow Brifge poem. This poem is about pets and heaven and something I can barely stand to read even on my best days. She had worked hard on these projects all day and waited until after dinner to show us what she had made for us.
And I nearly had a breakdown just taking a peak. I must have been the most ungrateful seeming recipient, and couldn’t even allow myself to look at or read what she had brought. I had spent most of the day trying to remain composed and stopping intrusive and painful thoughts. And was horrified at the prospect of letting loose now, especailly “publically.” I also have a hard time talking about or expressing vulnerable feelings around Tom, and hate to say it, but think that this is in large part because he is so sensitive that whatever I may say that I feel, he trumps, processes to death, and then gets so maudlin for the both of us, that I feel so much worse afterwards that I feel as if I have been beaten and raped emotionally and I should have kept my mouth shut in the first place. This may be a bad statement about the state of our togetherness and how I have handled emotional overload to date, but it is sadly so and a part of why I feel as if I can’t afford to let loose other than when alone.
I am hoping that I don’t spontaneously combust as a result, and do know that I have had a headache and been even grumpier than usual lately. I am torn between wanting to be left entirely alone, and seeking activities and people like crazy to divert myself emotionally. Surprisingly, food addiction hasn’t kicked in (yet?), and I am not seeking solace in eating as I might normally have in the past. In fact, I’d say that since putting Callie down, my appetite has been surprisingly “normal.” With “normal” in quotations of course, because my normal is abnormal at best anyway.
What I hope to achieve today is a teeny sense of normalcy and catch my emotional breath…although despite my MSW degree, I have no idea how to really go about this. Healer heal thyself, my foot! I think that Tom and I will run some errands and perhaps stop at a few garage sales, and tonight, his family is due over for dinner and a visit. I don’t know if I can be trusted to be any sort of decent company, although I can usually fake it relatively well and sometimes feel as if I spend the good part of my existence doing this anyway.
And really now, who wants to be with a sadsack, grieving, morose person anyway?!
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Weight: 191.3 lbs.
There was no one to wake us with eager squeaks and the excitement of a new day today. There was no hurry for us to get up and fill Callie’s bowl, as she would dance all the way from our bedroom to the kitchen until we did so. There was no one to run like a dog to the door when I came home from work yesterday, nor will there be today. Callie would dash from parts unknown or even a deep sleep to meet us both whenever we got home…and now there will be no one to insist on a belly rub and an excited “hello” as we were that missed.
I can’t believe how much I miss her, and Tom may be having an even harder time of it. We have had a rough year of losses and challenges, but to me, despite (or perhaps because of) other deaths of significance, this is the most difficult. Callie was our beloved child, and trusted us with her care. She was part of every day life, made her presence known, and looked to us to take care of her every need. I can’t shake the feeling that we failed somehow. And this combined with pure grief, is more difficult than I remember loss being for a long time.
Yesterday at work I braced myself to put on my best “game face” and go through proper motions to be professional and composed. I can’t allow chinks in my armor when with clients especially, so it was important that I talk myself into a better state on the blurry ride in.
This worked until a well meaning co-worker who knew that Callie had been ill, asked how she was. Then I immediately dissolved into a pool of tears - in the hallway in front of the copy machine. And to the inquisitive looks and perhaps horror of unknowing colleagues.
I can’t let this happen again today, but fear for how fragile I feel. I desperately need to do what I must and then make a clean break. I have already decided to take tomorrow off as I have no clients, and paperwork can wait. I am hoping that time away will help, and not make me feel even more morose with time to spare and less to distract me.
The phone rang off the hook last night with both friends who read about Callie here and offered their condolences, and Tom’s family who is in from out of town and dealing with their own life and death situation. I feel exhausted, although heartened by the support and caring of so many. You tend to know who your friends really are at such a time, and can also tell the difference between those who truly appreciate the meaning of a pet, and those who are probably wondering what the fuss is all about because they were “just an animal.”
Tonight we have a good friend due over for dinner and solace, another on Saturday, and plans with Tom’s Florida sister and brother-in-law tomorrow night. Assuming that Paul’s hospitalized nephew does not take a turn for the worse.
I hope for the energy and emotional stamina to be a good host and enjoy my friends as I usually do. But first, I hope that I can make it through today’s work obligations without a meltdown.
And unfortunately this may be as great a challenge as my bariatric journey itself.
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We had to put Callie down today. I called the vet to arrange it, but Tom took her in. I couldn’t bear to go, and said goodbye to her at home. She purred for me one last time as if she knew we were saying a final goodbye.
I was surprised to hear that the test results that were originally not due back until Friday, had come, and Tom was told that she indeed tested positive for both a “Small Intestinal Disease” and Pancreatitis. However, the vet did not seem to think that even either of these conditions could have caused her neurological problems, which is really what we based our decision to put her down, on.
But, I was tormented by the belief that with proper diagnosis and treatment sooner, perhaps she could have recovered. Or that perhaps her neuro. problems did in fact stem from such severe cases of inflammatory bowel and pancreatic issues, that it did effect her brain. I placed a call to the vet who reassured me that he has NEVER seen either of these conditions cause the symptoms she displayed, and that his real suspicion was that she had colon cancer as the cause of her bowel problems, and that it had spread to her brain. This caused me to ask him what may have happened if we had caught her cancer in an earlier stage, and he said that he would have recommended chemotherapy or radiation, and most cat owners don’t choose these options anyway as they are difficult and costly.
So, I guess I feel “better’ in the sense that I am more resigned to the belief that there was little that we could have done to prevent or address this much differently. Except to think that she may have suffered more than we realized in these final days….
Tom is highly distraught as well. Tom was as attached to Callie as anyone can be to their cat…and they also had a special bond. Up until she began to change, he and she used to engage in long “conversations” with one another, based on mutual squeaking that sounded as if they were talking. Callie would usually start it by squeaking at Tom first. He would “answer” her, and this could go on for several minutes.
She was always the sweetest natured cat, and couldn’t get enough of a belly rub, a head scratch or time with us near her. She would sit on the couch above our heads, and purr so loudly it would be hard to hear the tv. More often than not, she would have to put her paw on my head, making me complain to Tom that “Callie has her foot in my hair, again!” And, if she sat on the armrest of the couch between us instead, she had to rest one paw on me until I removed it in exasperation.
She will be terribly missed and after 10 years of living with her, we can barely imagine life without her. We wonder and worry too about what Gingerbread is thinking in that this time the crate came back empty.
Goodbye Callie…you were the best cat we could have hoped for and we are sorry if we let you down. Rest in peace!
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Weight: 192.2 lbs.
I can’t believe that just yesterday I was filled with some optimism both about Callie and my job.
Both have gone down the tubes since.
I came home at nearly 8:00 last night from a difficult, demoralizing and upsetting work day, to a frantic Tom who had been unsuccessful getting Callie to take her prednisone. He said that because he had had to give her her eye ointment throughout the day (for an eye infection), that now she was scared of him and wouldn’t even come for her greenie or dinner.
Indeed, she was crouching and hiding and looking more forlorn than I’ve ever seen her. I did manage to coax her into eating her pill and some dinner, but by evening I was certain that she was on her way out. She was posturing oddly, full of “tics” and looked miserable. There was little we could do to comfort her as she was still very unapproachable as well.
I went to bed agitated and with heavy heart, and barely slept a wink. I was torn betweeen getting up to check on her (she also no longer came into the bed to join us as she at least had been), and never getting up again for fear that when I did, I would find her dead. I was hypervigilant all night, listening for sounds that she may be in distress.
I was surprised and slightly heartened when at 5:00 am she did jump into bed and weakly purred as she lay between us. Despte this, we are now convinced that we are in the “end game”, and need to make a painful decision likely sooner rather than later.
And then she wouldn’t eat her breakfast, nor seemed excited about it like she always is. Even through her difficulties.
As of this writing, I haven’t succeeded in getting her pill in her, as she is merely hanging her head over her food and unable to eat.
Is today the day? We haven’t even gotten her blood work results back yet. Do they even matter?
It is quite clear to me now that her brain is diseased and there is little hope, even with what appeared at first to be a miracle medicine.
I have to go to work soon and Tom’s car is due in the shop for the day. Plus, his sister and brother-in-law are in from Florida unexpectedly and due to the need to minister to a sick nephew. We are awaiting word as to whether they will stop by today or tomorrow.
How can we live an even remotely normal life under these circumstances?
All we can do is pray for the grace and wisdom to know how to proceed….
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Weight: 192.3 lbs.
I’m not sure whether to vote prednisone or the little greenie pill pockets that taste like salmon, as the greatest invention. It is such a delight to see Callie eat her pill without seeming to even know that it is buried in the greenie, and then to respond as well as she already has to the steroid. She has been exhibiting less “tics”, purrs and wants to be petted more, actually groomed herself from head to toe yesterday, and seemed to have slept less restlessly/more deeply. She doesn’t seem nearly as miserable, and there are glimpses of our old Callie back. And all this after just 3 doses!
A friend has told me the story about how her dog with cancer was given pred., and lived out the final month of her life almost like her old self again, before dying peacefully at home. Even if this is the best we can hope for, it is a lot. It is such a relief to see her responding, and I hope to go on to my long work day and not look back/call home repeatedly to check on her, as I have been feeling compelled to do.
Last night we were taken to dinner by friends Joe and Cathy, and enjoyed their company and the diversion this provided. They now have 13 cats of their own, and are big volunteers with a local cat charity. We felt supported and understood by them, and this was very helpful. They also told us about a big fundraiser for animals this Saturday, and we have put it on our calendar in hopes of supporting the causes and enjoying their company once more.
I did eat way too much and very late as a result of our dinner out together, however, hence the apparent weight gain. I was famished by the time we got to Athena’s, and ordered both the cream of mushroom soup, and a full souvlaki dinner. I brought the majority of the dinner home, but still managed to eat a lot. As I had all hungry day. I may be feeling sympathy pains for Callie or something, but I seem to be starved lately. Perhaps the insidious nature of stress is effecting me, but I am constantly hungry and can’t seem to feel satisfied. This is not a good thing or a way to drop out of my 190’s, and I even fear creeping back up if I can’t get a grip.
Today I work a very long day, and likely won’t get home until around 8:00 pm as we have an evening staff meeting to boot. I plan to bring lots of food to work with me so I don’t get tempted to nibble “crap” while there. I usually supply some food items to the meeting for others too, and am not yet sure what I can safely bring that I can also eat without regret. I still have leftover cookies and junk in my office, and I am torn between putting these out so they get eaten and gone, yet risking that I too will nibble on them, or buying something healthier for all on the way in.
This has been the nature of my thought process lately, and truth be told, I usually don’t end up making the best choice.
And, I MUST learn to juggle anxiety and stress and real life with a healthy weight loss mentality, because I suspect like is true for anyone and everyone’s life, s*** happens and life is rarely smooth sailing for long.
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Weight: 194.6 lbs. at the gynecologist office fully dressed & after b’fast & coffee
What a stressful day this has already been. It started with a 7:40 a.m vet appointment, and a crying Callie who was not happy to be held hostage nor to have had to skip her breakfast. It is so heartbreaking taking any pet to the vet, but especially one who looks as perpetually miserable as she has been, and who must have been starving due to the fast we had to have her on.
She has lost another 1.2 lbs. since not even a week ago, which is “quite concerning” according to the vet. Hell, at over 190 lbs. and 70 lbs. overweight, I can’t even managed to drop this much.
The poor think squeaked and cried throughout her exam, and failed a certain eye test he gave her that looks for reflexes of some sort. This adds to his suspicion that she is suffering from something neurological/brain related, and perhaps in addition to some intestinal condition. Upon palpatation, her said that her colon continues to feel inflammed, and this combined with such rapid weight loss, still has him suspecting a possible intestinal condition or a hidden cancer, and perhaps one that has spread to her brain.
He drew blood to see, and the results should be in on Friday. He said that these will determine whether there is intestinal, pancreatic or colon involvement. He asked if we would follow up with a brain MRI as he’s previously mentioned, and Tom said “no.” This made him determine that as the treatment for either cancer or IBS is steroids, that he will prescribe these now and as a palliative treatment, regardless of what she is suffering from. He gave us “greenies” to put the pills in, and we must give these steroids to her 2x a day for “the rest of her life”. He did admit that it “would likely be a miracle” if her neurological symptoms responded…but at least we might be successful in addressing her issues of weight loss and tummy irritabilty.
It will all be a waiting game, and continue on as anxiety provoking, sad and worrisome as it has been. She did eat her prednisone wrapped in the greenie treat w/o a problem however, and for this we are immensely grateful as we know how horrible we are at pilling her!
After this appointment, I had to run off to the gynecologist. I like her very much, and she was quite pleased with my progress. She said that the last time I was there was last June, and I was 268 lbs. at the time. My BP was a little high today (138/84) but I chalk this up to my rough morning and anxiety, and she didn’t seem concerned. She said that she has a lot of patients who have had bariatric surgery, and some have done “better” and others “worse” than me.
The best news, was that both literally and figuratively, she was “in and out” with me today. She said that my cervix is a million times easier to access now that I have lost weight, and this exam was nothing like the last in which I thought that she was going to come out my mouth! I guess that I have stumbled upon another virtue of surgery/weight loss!
And thank god, because I am in a fragile emotional state and may have slugged her or started sobbing if she had to go at me as in the past.
So yippee for both of us!! Sigh….
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Weight: 191.1 lbs.
Well, I seem to have lost much of what I had gained before taking a break from reality recently, so I guess that despite worry induced eating, I can’t be doing THAT bad. Yesterday I had to make up a veggie platter for a birthday party we are going to today, and had purchased like $25 of veggies for the occassion. I ended up making two huge platters containing broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, mushrooms, celery, peppers, cucumbers and dips. Whatever didn’t fit in the trays, I kept for us. We ended up with a huge bowl of cucumber, tomato, and onion vinigriatte, another huge bowl of assorted veggies for dipping and munching, and cauliflower for steaming. Needless to say, I ate my fair share of veggies yesterday, along with morning eggs, and dinner chicken. I guess you could say that this was one of my healthier days. And today, we will surely be eating more veggies while at the party, along with whatever other goodies Corky and Phyllis have. Plus, I have breakfast plans with my friend Zoe, beforehand. Her dog is not doing well, and I expect that we will spend much of our time comiserating about the sadness of having a sick pet.
Yesterday Tom and I did end up doing ok with our free time, and spent some of it gadding about town, including visits to old friend Nancee and her children, and Pete, Erin and Mike and their children. We actually hadn’t figured on seeing any of them, but both of their streets happened to be having block sales, and it was opportune to drop by.
Fortunately Callie is not sick to the degree that we worry about leaving her (yet?), and frankly it is good for our sanity to have distractions away from home. Otherwise Tom and I find ourselves staring sadly at her, panicking when we can’t find her, comparing notes constantly about every little move she makes and defining it as either pathetic, or “maybe she’s better.” She continues to shake her head, lick her lips, shake all of her paws and even drool quite constantly. Her eyes are squinty all the time, and she just looks sickly all around. However, she also seems to still enjoy both food and looking at the world through our front door. Although she doesn’t seem to derive much pleasure in being petted or snuggling with us anymore (except for continuing to sleep with us at night), it is hard to say that the quality of her life is compromised to the degree that she may need to be put down. certainly not yet, and not before we even know more about what she has and whether it is treatable or not. But, Pete did speak to this when we were discussing her condition yesterday, and naturally, it is in the back of our minds. Something I can’t even wrap my head around at this time, and certainly hope not to have to.
So, to remain sane and distracted, we are glad to have a busy day today, and to even end our day with our metal detecting meeting amongst friends, and a president of the club and his wife who are consumate cat lovers, having 11 of their own. Tomorrow night we are also doing dinner with them, and welcome the chance to talk “cat”, including the opportunity to see if they have ever heard of such symptoms as those that Callie displays.
Also tonight, we must take up all of the dry cat food that is left for both kitties to nibble on at will. This will be hard on both of them, we expect, but especially poor, perpetually hungry Callie. On the other hand, her early morning exam and bloodwork is contingent on having fasted. But I dread every bit of this, including how difficult and sad it always is to haul her off to the vet in the first place.
I think that I won’t blog until AFTER the 7:40 a.m. vet appointment AND my 10:30 am gynecology appt. Two massive YUCKS - but events that will give me something to talk about here, I suppose. I am hoping to see too how the gynecologist reacts to how much weight I have lost since last visit, and whether she will order additional bloodwork (ie: hormone levels) for me to supplement all the orders I already am sitting on from the bariatric doctor. I have waited so that I can combine these into one phobic appointemt - because we all know that I can barely stand to go once and certainly can’t be expected to do this two times in a row! I mean, how distasteful can things be at the moment, really!? Blecch to everything lurking around the corner at this time…so let’s not make it any worse than that which I already have on my plate, thank you!
And I only hope that the gods or goddesses of fate, health, sanity and mortality are all listening right now!
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Weight: 191.3 lbs.
I was anxious at work all day as I awaited a call from Tom with what the vet may have said. However, I managed to make it home before the 4;00 call.
Let me preface this with how lucky we feel to have a kind, compassionate, thorough and informative vet to be at the helm. He has been patient and understanding throughout this ordeal, is prompt in calling back, and candid in his responses.
He started by explaining that the reason that it took him until late afternoon to get to us, is that he wanted to review Callie’s case with a colleague first. Then he said that he had “some good news and some bad news.” And before he spoke, I already knew what this meant.
Her blood tests came back normal for diabetes and hyperthroidism….whcih likely means that her condition is more grave than this. Ie: cancer, perhaps in her brain as originally suspected. Or, as he said that he felt some thickening of her bowel/intestines upon last exam, he wonders if she may have some sort or inflammatory bowel condition, or tumor in her intestines. He said that this could explain her weight loss and severe appetite however, but not necessarily her neurological symptoms (ie: head and feet shaking). Perhaps cancer has spread from intestines to brain….
He recommends that we bring he early Monday morning after a 12 hour fast, for another palpatation exam, and a special blood work panel that looks for intestinal conditions. Or something.
If these come back normal, the only remaining recourse he could think of is for her to have an MRI of her brain, in Rochester NY, for $1500. And, if a tumor is found, it would be $4,000-$6,000 to remove it, he said. Or, keep her comfortable on steroids etc.
Basically, we take all of this as sad news that we are likely to be faced with extraordinary and difficult choices soon, unless we all luck out and she tests positive for some “simple” inflammatory bowel disease that we can try treating at home. In comparison to all the other likely suspects, this seems the best news we could ever get.
But, unfortunately, I am not terribly optimistic and can’t help but look at all of her strange neurological type symptoms, and wonder how an inflammed bowel can account for these.
Last night she slept with us and purred some (not the keep you awake its so loud type purring that she used to do), and let us gently stroke her. In the day, she doesn’t seem to want to be touched anymore - so this was a nice opportunity to give her comfort and love. I was wishing that I could turn back the clock and have seen this coming when she was so extraordinarily needy a few weeks ago, that she couldn’t get enough of us. Rather than enjoying this, I was annoyed that she was so cloying at times, and never saw it as possibly her way of telling us that she wasn’t feeling well or perhaps is gearing up to say goodbye. Now I would give anything to snuggle with her as I used to, and enjoy her more playful and energetic ways.
Last night Janet came over for a visit and this may have artificially cheered us for a while. We talked and ate and relaxed and having lost pets herself, she sympathized and understood.
But, when she left, I found myself doing more research on the internet about things like kitty cancer, and got depressed and upset all over again. I’m not even sure what I am looking for or why, but feel compelled to do something.
Today may be a bigger challenge still as we have no real plans except those we make up as we go and chores and stuff. Whereas I usually would kill for some down time like this, right now I am worried that it may kill me instead.
Does anyone want to come over and visit…?!
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Weight: 192.2 lbs.
Of course what I wish for is that Callie recovers fully and has nothing wrong with her whatsoever.
What we are likely to hear today is that she has some significant condition that may ot may not be treatable…or, that the bloodwork showed nothing definitive at all. I am not sure which I would prefer, because clearly she is quite ill, has something wrong with her, and needs help. On the other hand, I think it would be grand if she was negative for the obvious conditions that blood work results might indicate.
She seems to be losing weight so fast despite her onging ravenous appetiite. If she allows us to pet her at all anymore, she feels all bony. Something has got to be speeding up her metabolism, pressing on her appetitie center, using up all of the food she eats, or interfering with her ability to absorb nutrients or calories.
This promises to be a stressful day at work that will be made more difficult as I await a call from Tom after he hears from the vet. I’m not sure if I’d rather know earlier or later in the day, and do worry that particularily bad news will render me incapable of concentrating and getting things done at Aspire.
Sorry that I’ve got nothing bariatric to say today…but in the scheme of things, what I eat or weigh just pales in comparison to this. Suffice to say that as my stress level rises, so typically does my bad eating habits. And an exercise routine is non existant at this time. I won’t even make promises to myself or say stupid and redundent things here about getting back on track later. All I know is that for now, I am focused on the moment and doing what I can to just keep it together.
And for now, that takes a lot!
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August 21st, 2010 | 
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