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Weight: 192.2 lbs.
What a nice, relaxing, long weekend this feels like. And as I am off today too, it will be stretched out for one more day before 3 long work days, and then a whole week of vacation. Yippee!
I am still rather toasty from last weeks pool encounter, and then added to my burn yesterday when I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do more than cook myself again. And then today, we have plans to spend time at Carol’s house and in her real pool…but as I am already so burnt and crispy, I now probably need to be fully dressed for the occassion. My shoulder’s are so crunchy they hurt, so I had at least better wear a tee shirt. Surprisingly, I didn’t gain and bloat (yet?) as badly as before, although I am thinking that this may be as I didn’t also eat the higher sodium foods that I combined with sunbathing, last weekend.
Whatever… I am not complaining and am doing this with my eyes wide open and aware of the possible consequences. And at least I may get all my burning over with before we spend a week on the lake. I should be sufficiently blackened by then, for good or bad.
As you can probably tell, we are already in semi-vacation mode, and when not packing and planning for and thinking about our trip, we are starting early on living the mentality. Unfortunately, this also includes eating in a more relaxed manner. We have started stocking up on foods we think will feed us and our company for a week there, and these include munchies like pretzels and chips and nuts and granola. Basically, stuff we usually only buy or have around with company in mind…and now are overflowing with. We do plan to also shop at the Westfield Farmer’s Market when we arrive, and stock up on veggies and fruits and more wholesome and fresh things.
But, admittedly, this mentality has relaxed my eating standards, and I do find myself munching more and having a lazy, summer like attitude about food already and we haven’t even left yet. It is sort of a picnic mentality, where anything goes, and it just seems so normal and healthy to live on BBQ and all the fixin’s. Although in reality, it isn’t, of course, and this type of thinking is what has gotten me into trouble in the first place. On the other hand, I am sure that I do not have the will to tighten up now, and know that I will go with this flow until we are back to “normal” after cottage week, at least. Not an excuse, not good, not right, but honest. How any one else does differently is beyond me, as I know that I don’t have the will power to be sensible and regimented all the time, but especially on vacation and during the lazy days of summer.
(Or sometimes winter, spring, and fall too. But thats another entry and story!)
Just the same, I am watching that I don’t go too crazy or gain excessively, and for now, am riding it out and feeling ok as and where I am. And if I can manage this at least, while enjoying life and all it has to offer as immensely as I now am, I am not motivated to change things up just yet or to pull the rug out from under myself.
I guess that I am realizing that contentment can come in many forms and shapes and sizes….
And that at least for now, I am happy and balanced and ok where and how I am. Water and vacation and sunshine will do this to me too, I suppose.
And its hard to argue with that!
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Weight: 192.3 lbs.
Yesterday was a sparkingly clear and beautiful summer day, and a wonderful experience all around. After a morning of garage sales and some packing for our trip, we headed out to my supervisors house as planned. We took Rose with us, and she too enjoyed a fine time in nature, eating and socializing.
My favorite thing was after walking the trails to a huge pond, we walked along the edges of it, and saw hundreds of tadpoles, frogs of every size and color, a snapping turtle, and something that looked and swam rather like a little eel. I think Rose called it a loach…which is a creature I have never heard of before, but might just have nightmares about as it slithered so eelishly and was rather gross. But cool!
We also took in the beauty of MaryEllen’s hundred plus acres, petted and fed the horses, said “hi” to the goats, played with a feral barn cat who was super friendly, listened to her cocks crowing, and saw hummingbirds in her amazingly huge trumpet plant. And petted a bazillion dogs that either she or her friends and company owned and saw fit to bring for the occassion. There were so many breeds represented that I joked that this could be an AKC event instead.
Oh, and we ate. A lot, unfortunately. With probably a hundred guests and everyone bringing a dish to pass, there was every food item known to man there, and I felt compelled to taste at least a bite of most of it! From burgers and dogs to beans and potatoes to fruits and salads to unusual dishes to desserts. Including these darling cupcakes made up to look like little horses.
I know that I ate way too much and chose not to set limits on either what I chose, or how much I fit in. Fortunately my stomach set some limits for me, but not as well as it could have or I should have. But god, it was a real treat to eat in the great outdoors and try so many different dishes…. And my own fault that I am clearly paying for it, weight wise.
I was actually hoping that the metal detecting and walking that I did there might offset some of the calories, but clearly not enough to count. But, I did find some cool buried junk, including some pieces of crock (pottery) that her Native American neighbor said were likely very old.
But mostly, it was a day to detoxify from everyday life, and find the beauty in the world around us. I don’t think that I would want to live there, but it sure was a nice place to visit….
Called Chestnut Rose Adventures, Mary Ellen uses all this wonder to run a not for profit nature program on her property and her rescue horses are the stars.One emphasis is on buiding compassion and an appreciation for nature through guided nature walks and teaching. Also, this program is designed to build confidence and esteem in troubled or disenfranchised young people, and in this way, her property and spirit serves as a healing place not just for those of us who visit once a year for her 4th of July type party, but for hundreds of kids year round, who are similarily encouraged and refreshed by what is offered.
And all I can say today, is “ahhhhh….”
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Weight: 191.9 lbs.
Regardless of my weight for right now, I am loving life and content with my existence. The fact that it is the weekend probably has something to do with this! And, that our vacation (while mine, anyway, Tom is off every day!) starts in a week.
Today we are heading over to my supervisors 100 acre horse farm for her annual (belated) 4th of July shindig, and I am excited for two reasons. One is that it is always an enjoyable affair with several colleagues and old friends to visit with, and the other is that she has horses and goats and other assorted farm and domestic creatures to enjoy and fawn over. Oh, and there is gobs of great food, and the best metal detecting anywhere! We are bringing our detectors and will dabble in this, as we hate to miss the opportunity since she lives on very old land and some of the best finds were discovered there when she had our whole detecting club out a few years ago.
So, today will likely be a balance between shovelling it in, and burning it off. We are taking old friend, Rose, with us, and I will be glad to introduce her to everyone and hope she will enjoy it all as we do. She loves animals and is largely going due to this, and I think she will find it a replenishing and relaxing place to detoxify from her difficult weekday life, as we hope to.
Then, on Monday, we have been invited to enjoy Janet’s sisters new pool…and since I LOVE water, and am learning to enjoy the great outdoors all over again, I am happy about this plan too. It has been years since I’ve done outdoor stuff as much, and I nearly forgot how healing commuting with trees and water and animals, can be.
The thing we are most looking forward too however, is the whole week we will have starting next Saturday. We will be living on the water and have the chance, I hope, to experience all the best of summertime in this one week. I am very excited about this, and have already begun packing everything and the kitchen sink in anticipation. This is the one draw back of renting a cottage, as I am already worried that we will forget something vital, like mustard (ha ha), and have to make multiple runs to a grocery store that is located who knows where, to keep buying things we already own 10 of back home. So, the fussing has already started, and I am convinced that we will have to take 9 vans to get it all there! One will be for rafts alone!
But, I digress. The real point is that life is good for the moment, nature is beckoning, we are at peace, and the fact that I am not skinny (yet, nor may never be), is not a hinderence to the lifestyle I am trying to live and my ability to enjoy and partake fully.
Anymore! And for this, I am grateful every day, as just last year, all these plans may have been too much or too embarassing for me, and I would likely have been more inclined to summer indoors instead.
Summetime, here I come!!
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Weight: 191.7 lbs.
I feel so relieved to feel back to normal today…and I see that my weight has dropped accordingly. I am still stymied as to what swept over me, and how I can both gain and lose so quickly although for the most part, neither my eating or drinking habits changed much. I must really listen to others and my own advice to stop being so focused on the scale, as although it can be diagnostic and keep me from trouble at times, at others, it can freak and discourage me, and give a false reading on what may be going on. I am truly convinced that I was caught up in some wierd retaining state, possibly due to too much heat and sun or carbs and salt…. Whatever the case, I feel so much less achey and bloated today, and am back to my old self. For good or bad.
Last night, Tom and I laughed ourselves to sleep, and this may have also been therapeutic and burnt off a few calories. What were we laughing about…? My job, actually. I was telling Tom about all the new and frustrating paperwork and other requirements, and how I am being minutaed to death. And how I worry that this is compromising the quality and time for care for my clients. I was giving one example of how our counseling clients now have to sign in in our offices as well as in the waiting room, when they come for service. I was grousing about how time consuming and maddening this can be for both them and me, and some extraordinary issues that arise and can interfere with time and focus on counseling.
I will give you the same examples gleaned from this week, that I gave Tom. And in case you forgot, I see individuals with developmental disabilities who are also stuggling with mental health and/or behavior problems.
“Hi, “Sheila”. I need to ask you to sign your name on this clipboard when you are in my office, just like you do in the waiting room. We have a new rule now.”
“How come?”
“Well, the boss thinks it is a good idea”
“But I already signed in”
I know. I am sorry that you’ll have to do it twice from now on.”
“How come?”
“Sometimes we all have to follow new rules.”
“Can I have the pen? I like the pen?”
“No, Sheila. I need to keep it so other people can sign in too.”
“But I like it!”
“It is nice…but I can’t give it to you.”
“Why not!?” “Sometimes you give me pens here.”
“Yes, I know. But I can’t give you THIS pen. See how it is attached to the clipboard so everyone can use it. Just please sign your name.”
“How come?”
“Sheila, we don’t have much time to talk, and it is important that we get this done so we can still have time left for counseling.”
“But I want the pen.”
“I know you do. Please use it and just write your name.”
“This pen is nicer than the ones you give me. I want it too!”
“Remember our talks about respect and sharing. It isn’t fair or proper to beg for things, especially when you have been told that they aren’t yours.”
“Ok, ok…… How do you make an “S”"
Arghhhh!
And then there are those who can’t hold a pen due to cerebral palsy and need guidance to write, those who can’t spell but insist on doing it “themselves”, and those, say with OCD, who turn signing into an art form. I am learning more about my clients conditions from this than the therapeutic process itself, and sometimes it allows us to segue into relevent subjects, such as that of sharing, hoarding and respect, with “Sheila.”
However, here is another example that speaks to how otherwise maddening this can be, and if only the state or the bosses or whoever has decided that we must do this saw how it can play out, perhaps there would be hope of canning this bright idea!
“Hi, “Jeff”. We have a new rule that everyone has to sign in in my room now”. “Can you please write your name and the time you got in here?”
Jeff, a sweet young man with Downs Syndrome, takes the pen with concentration and effort. He holds it with a death grip, with his tongue planted near his nose, as he uses herculian effort to comply with my request. Ten minutes later he is still trying!
“Jeff, its ok. Can I help you finish?”
“I can do it”
“Really, Jeff. We need to leave some time for counseling….here, let me see if we can get this done, ok?”
“No.” “I’m almost done”
(So is our counseling time).
“Jeff, lets see where you’re at with it, so we can finish it together”
Ignores me.
(Gimme the freakin’ clipboard!!)
“Jeff, I’m going to have to take it from you now. Time is up!”
He begrudgingly lets me have it, and I see 1/2 of the word Jeff scrawled across several lines, with no last name yet. I finish it for him and thank him for the good job, but he is now sad and distressed that he didn’t get to finish. I reassure him that it is ok, and I help other people too, and no one will be in trouble.
(Why are we talking about this?! The poor guys mother died and he is here for grief counseling!)
Clearly I have to come up with a new system!! As if the people I see (and now myself!) aren’t already traumatized enough! That’s what they are supposed to be coming to see me for!
And if I wasn’t laughing, I’d be crying too!
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Weight: 194.0 lbs.
Seriously…what’s up?! I continue to grow and swell, and my joints and bones and hair hurts. My tummy too!
Am I in the midst of some funky flare-up, or am I on some fast track to gaining?
Is it even possible to gain this much weight in a few days? I am so discouraged!
Last night when I undressed for the evening around 7:00, I weighed myself, and I was 194.0 exactly. I typically lose up to 2 lbs. in the night. But, I ate a big slice of watermelon after this. If anyone here knows me from last summer, you know that I am the watermelon mama, and in season, I must have it. But, I don’t recall retaining it as I did yesterday. What gives? Is it all about carbs??
Here’s the entirity of what I ate yesterday: 2 scrambled eggs with a little milk and cheese, for breakfast. Some cashews at my desk at work (which is my typical “lunch”) Then 2 slices of crispy (thin) crust Pizza Hut pizza with chicken, peppers, olives, onions and pineapple for topping, for dinner. (This is an abberation, as we nearly never have pizza…but Tom and I both had a hankering, and Pizza Hut has their $10 deal that a recent commercial so aptly sold us on.) Then, I had a hunk of watermelon that I ate with a spoon, and a handful of cheese nips mindlessly munched while on the phone with Janet. Normally we don’t even have such crap food in the house, but we had just shopped for snack items for an upcoming BBQ, and I was bad and bought a few boxes. This one may not make it until Saturday if I keep it up, and I remember all over again why we can’t even have such stuff in the house!
Now I realize that this isn’t a bariatric dieters dream menu, nor did I eat much protein or variety yesterday. And, I consumed more carbs and crap than even usual. But, my point for now, is that I don’t think that I ate enough calories to warrant such a big gain. Not yesterday, and not the days preceeding it which were similar in size, but minus the pizza and watermelon. Did I?! Am I in la la land, can’t add or compute calories correctly, awash in denial, or blind? Should I be beaten into better sense? Or, is there some other contributing factor? I mean, I’ve done MUCH worse at times in the past, and not gained this dramatically.
Plus I am all stiff and hurty today…I’m exhausted too. I wonder if I am getting something.
Or if I am just getting FAT(TER).
Ouch…it hurts to laugh. Or, more appropriately, cry!
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Weight: 193.3 lbs.
I am puffing up like a blow fish and this morning my ring which usually can twist around in circles and I ususally fear will fall right off, barely fits. I am bloated and shiny and am not sure why.
I am thinking back on what I did and ate yesterday, and can’t think of anything too unusual. Except perhaps the first tomato off of my canister plant that I was so thrilled to eat, I picked it off, slathered it in salt, and ate the whole damn thing like an apple. I rarely if ever use salt anymore, but yesterday was the exception. And I am now wondering if between this and the sodium in the many desk nuts I ate at work and the hot dog at dinner, that I have salted my way into puffiness.t. Or, perhaps I am just back on a gaining streak…although I know when I do eat excessively, and don’t feel that I have done that badly to warrant this much of a gain. Besides, I’d have had to have eaten like 10,000 extra calories or something to have managed to gain this much this quickly.
Whatever it is due to, it is discouraging, especially as I was nearing some new and meaningful numbers, and I can’t stand seeing the 90’s anymore. I have been thinking about a graph I saw long ago that predicted my final number as 191 (at 65% weight loss for a year), and I remember shuddering and thinking how high that still was and an unacceptable number for me. Well, here I am now over a year out and not even solidly there yet and hardly able to budge without huge effort. I do feel that I am fighting hard against the law of averages here, and worry again that I may be losing (the battle, not my weight!) Looking and feeling like a porked up blow fish isn’t helping any either!
Sigh…I know that I need to kick it up but am not even exactly sure what this would entail at the moment. I am also working longer, harder days and this is making weekdays more difficult for as much discipline as I would like with my morning work out and evening routine, as I feel rushed in the mornings, and exhausted in the evenings. It will be interesting to see how I do while on vacation for a week, and with nothing but nature to enjoy. Do you ever wonder what the “real” you is like buried under all the stress and convention and hectic pace of everyday life?
But, unfortunately, I too must live and eat and manage in the real world of stress and try my best under such realistic, everyday crcumstances…and even when I am bloated like a cartoon character.
But if only I could take a pin to myself and deflate to skinny like they do on tv…
Damn reality!
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Weight: 192.5 (!)
Can sunburn make you gain weight?? Can the casino buffet? Which one made me go up like 2 lbs. in a day?! On weigh-in day, at that! I blame it all on Barb who wrote here yesterday and invited us to join them yesterday afternoon at the casino for dinner and a little playing. Despite my better judgement, we did go and had fun and came home nearly $1,000 to the good after just a few hours of playing! And they won too!
So I am thrilled on one hand, but chagrined on the other. Since I didn’t really eat THAT badly or too much at the buffet (other than some cream soup, one hushpuppy, and a little bit of ice milk for dessert), I am truly wondering if I either soaked up tons of pool water or am retaining due to severe burn, or both. I mean, it was excrutiating showering this morning as the water felt like little needles and I was too tender to towel off afterwards. Am I double dumb, or what?! Or in profound denial about the “cost” of what I did eat?
Well, in any event, here is a photo montage of my stunning bathing beauty self…or at least of chunky, burnt, simple minded me having a blast looking like a 7 year old in a foot of water. But hey, it works for me!
Need I say more?!
To be continued tomorrow when I don’t work a 10 hour day. At least I am going into it feeling refreshed!
(Thank god my clients have no idea I look like this on my days off!)
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Weight: 190.6 lbs.
I had the most glorious day doing absolutely nothing except floating stupidly in a foot of water in our backyard yesterday! I fit perfectly into a swimsuit that I haven’t gotten past my ankles in years, and once I added some shorts to the mix, I was good to go! Other than some leg and underarm flubber, I felt I didn’t look too hideous, and Tom actually complimented me on how good he thought I did look. Although franklly, between us, I still expect that we exceeded the limit for the baby pool we were in, and probably looked quite ridiculous if someone were to have peeked through the fence slats!
But…who cared, and I may go back for more today. I have found that this inflatable pool is perfect for lounging and sitting, and it has these blow up pillow type chambers in all 4 corners that allows you to either sit up higher, or lay with your head on them, all stretched out as if on a raft. It is heavenly…and clearly does not take much to please me! I am a huge water person, and can’t be more thrilled to be able to do even such a simple thing now that my weight is no longer a hinderence. I suppose that I could have 110 lbs. ago, but its possible that I either would have been too embarassed, the pool would have exploded, or I wouldn’t have even entertained such an idea. Now it feel like I am breaking myself in for bigger and better summertime things, including our upcoming cottage/lake rental. Now I am also no longer white as a ghost, albeit I am rather burned in places where the sun has not seen in decades. I may have to even out my burn later today, as I guess I spent too much time on my back, and with one short leg pulled up higher than the other, given the strange and uneven looks of me. This will be a good excuse to do it all over again today!!
Not that I don’t have more serious things to accomplish later. But, I can’t remember when I enjoyed “nothing” quite as much, and it sure is good for the soul. Errands and such will just have to wait!
And food wise, other than the munchies I must admit that we snacked on while in the pool (leftover taco chips and veggie straws from like a month ago), I was good all day. We did grill some turkey burgers and dogs, and I had some bunless ones because it seemed to be the right thing to do on such an occassion. Plus, I was getting sun strokey by afternoon, and when my friend called from South Carolina to say “hi” and caught me feeling light headed and weak, she suggested that I needed sodium to rebalance. I was all for that and stuff sure seems to taste better when eaten outdoors or in water!
As to drinking, despite a hankering for a pina colada or something, I stuck to diet sobes, and made sure that I hydrated often. The pool had these little inflatable bottle holder things built in, and they were fun to use and to watch the drink circumnavigate the pool in.
It really doesn’t take much to please me, does it?!
Let’s hope I remain as jovial when the work week starts back tomorrow!
Sigh….
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Weight: 190.7 lbs.
Happy 4th everyone, except Canadians and others who don’t celebrate today, I suppose. Regardless…its a Sunday and a good excuse to relax and everyone should enjoy!
Which is just what I plan to do. Yesterday we ended up doing several loads of laundry, cleaning out the basement, and the fridge. It all started when I asked Tom to hang a shelf that I had purchased at a garage sale…and it looked so good and held so much in the basement, that it whipped us both into organizing and cleaning frenzies for the rest of the day. Which was not only actually fun, but productive, and now we can find things and reap the benefits by having clear space to think and do things with.
And…all this hard work kept me from eating too much, and I stayed on track another day. Sometimes when home all day, I tend to mindlessly graze, and I still have not fully figured out a way to channel this restless energy into something more healthy and productive while still allowing myself to veg. after a long day.
Today my solution is to enjoy the back yard and kiddee pool I will blow up soon. I am actually looking forward to working on my tan so I don’t look like paste woman at the upcoming cottage week. However, since I have hardly been out in the sun at all this year, I will probably burn to a crisp if I’m not careful, and especially if I am dorking around all day in a foot of water. With a good book and a drink of sorts. And the phone in case someone calls. Ahhhhhh….
And, seeing as the cpap guy called and couldn’t fix the grave errors that Tom made in my machine, this will have to wait until the big guns deal with it over the phone on Tuesday, or he brings it back in then. But, the good news about this is that it has left me quite sleepy as I am still trying to adjust to life without pumped in O2…and so I will probably snooze in the pool as well!
And if you don’t hear from me tomorrow…I have probably burnt like bacon and can’t move my arms enough to type!
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Weight: 190.6 lbs.
Yippee, I continue to lose and feel as if I am back on the bariatric bandwagon. It has been a long time and I nearly forgot how nice it feels to see the scale slip downwards! Perhaps there is hope that I get to my marriage weight soon, or at least out of the damn “90’s” where I have been for ages. I know that I am feeling better about the process than I had been (maybe spewing here helped?), so I am more optimistic about my capabilities and this possibility than before too.
I am also thrilled to pieces to have pretty much of a blank slate for this coming, long, weekend, and have many things I want to do that indulge my need for balance and focus. I hope not to engage in the usual frantic pace that often pulls me by the nose and creates chaos, but instead, be the keeper of my time and energy and pace myself according to what I need and want to do that is healthy for my overall mentality, as well. This will include getting back to my workout routine, reading some books I bought on nutrition etc., and organizing my life in ways that can help me think when times get busier again. Like in two weeks when we run off on a week’s vacation to a cottage. There is also much to do to prepare for that, including shopping, packing, and planning.
Also today, I must call and see if the cpap place is open, although I doubt it given that it is a holiday weekend. If not, I am likely screwed until Tuesday, as Tom messed up my cpap to the degree that it is useless to use. I was quite upset yesterday, as I had asked him to call to see about adjusting my pressure downward, as it continues to blow out every orifice. I am convinced it is still set too high, and wish the doctor had allowed it at a “5″ in the first place rather than being conservative and keeping me higher.
Anyway, yesterday I worked from early until nearly 6:00 pm, and called Tom twice in the morning to be sure that he called the cpap doctor to explain this and to reset it lower with their guidance.
And was not happy when I got home and discovered that he “forgot.” Whcih would have meant that I had another several days to suffer through the wind tunnel. But he said that adjusting it was “easy” and he remembered how to do it from when they walked him through it recently, and he would do it w/o talking to them, no problem.
But you already know the punch line.
Needless to say, I now can’t use it at all, and spent a restless night trying to adjust to the quiet and bedroom air…two things I am no longer accustomed to. Tom said that I did snore a little, which likely means that I do still need it although at other times I am convinced that I really don’t. But either way, I am not thrilled at my lack of options, and do hope that they are open today so we can see if it can be readjusted. It is now on wierd jet power, and makes me look like a cartoon character whose whole face is blowing away, when I put the mask on. I think he set it to 112 or something!
Well, on that happy note, I am eager to start my exciting day off, and quickly before all this sleep deprivation catches up with me and I’ve gotta go take a nap!!
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July 12th, 2010 | 
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