Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 191.3 lbs.

Eeep…I’m running late this morning so hafta make this quick! I stayed up later than I should have again last night as Janet came over to help us put her cottage pics into both computers, and then ended up joining in with snacks and tv. I was nearly brain dead from my re=indoctrination into work and a long day, so could barely function and had Tom do anything technical as it was all I could do to even visit and drool in front of the tv.

Needless to say, this morning I am quite exhausted.

I do hope to post more pictures of our vacation etc. here once I have the time and energy. Perhaps I’ll do this this weekend.

One of the things I have been thinking about regarding cottage week, was my inability to weigh myself daily. This was a conspicious absence in my morning routine, and every day I felt funny not doing this, and wondered often where I stood weight wise. It was very wierd not having immediate feedback as I have become so used to, although on the other hand, it was also sort of liberating. As was not blogging daily, truth be told. Somehow this allowed for me to live more in the moment and not feel as accountable, and for good or bad, this was rather freeing. I am “lucky” to have not gone off the deep end too far with all this autonomy!

Now that I am back to daily weighing and blogging (and “normal” life), I do feel more of a responsibility to be mindful of what I eat and do. On the other hand, I am still feeling quite casual about the whole journey at this point, and have not regained a sense of urgency, passion, investment or desperation for losing, dieting or anything bariatric, as I had in my earlier days. I feel as if I am simply living, focused on a wider variety of issues, and at peace with myself and my choices for the most part. Although I have not lost all that I should or could have, I feel ok with where I am at for now, and perhaps complacency has set in. The good part about this though, is that I am no longer tormented by feelings of guilt and angst about every bite I take or decision I make. The bad news about this, is that I have at least temporarily lost my drive and motivation to invest too much into this process. I am simply winging it, meal by meal and day by day, and not overly concerned about how I am doing. As long as I am not gaining.

I think that at this point I will need to feel really run down, get tragic blood work results, gain or be shaken out of my sense of complacency by a doctor or something, in order for me to strive for much more. I have concluded that in the “race”, I am a meandering hare with no true hurry or even destination. I am simply walking slowly and enjoying the scenery along the way.

Bad? Good? Stupid? Delusional? Avoidant and denial ridden? Lazy? Insightful? Headed for a brick wall?

Call it and me what you like…but it is this for me for now, and I must be honest with myself and others. Especially as it has probably been obvious for a while anyway, given my resistence to work much harder at things for a while now, and a gradual shift in focus to other matters. It reminds me of a children’s book about death called “Lifetimes” that refers to the fact that there is birth and there is death, and there is living in between. For me, there is fatness and there is skinny, and there is ok with plump, in between.

I AM living - fully, richly, contentedly, with balance and self acceptance and hope and reconciliation in between.

At 191. With 60 plus lbs. to go but no urgency to get there.

 Living in between.