Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 193.7 lbs.

Yesterday was Zoe’s father’s wake, and surprisingly she seemed to be in good form, but her husband, who was quite close to her dad, was not. Either way, it was a sobering event, complete with video and pictures that always serve to add an even more melancholy mood to an already sad event. It also reminded me that I too knew and liked her dad, and that he had always been polite, soft spoken, and kind. It is so wierd when people die and are never here again, and it is hard to wrap one’s head around such a concept.

Today is the memorial with a brunch to follow, and we do plan to go to it all. Our friends and our co-workers will be in attendance as well, and their company adds comfort and cameraderie. Last night after the wake, 6 of us, and including our supervisor from Aspire, went out to dinner. I ordered a spanish omelet and ate it all, plus a few bites of the included wheat toast and a few forkfuls of the hash browns. I also drank about 3 cups of coffee both before and after my meal, and just couldn’t see not doing this, as I had craved it all through the wake, and look at it as both a social and a comfort beverage, and can’t imagine such a dinner and evening, without it. But, I basically broke the cardinal drinking rule, and today have a wicked stomach ache that I wonder whether relates to the slosh I created in my pouch so late last night.

I realize that it probably doesn’t sound as if I am taking myself or my need to use discipline seriously, but I am trying - really! I can’t seem to get a whole day in that is all on track though, and even if I start out with every good plan and intention, it seems that I do something anti-bariatric or good sense, before the day is out. I am starting to worry that I don’t have what it takes, whatever that is, and that I am doomed to failure. These fits and starts feel and seem exactly like those on every diet I have ever been on, and I end up the same place each time. Given that I am stalled weight wise (at best), I am also feeling demoralized and pessimistic, once again.

I did wake up today with a renewed intention to redeem myself, and worked out extra hard to try and counteract that creepy feeling of failure and impotence that comes when you know you aren’t doing all you can. On the other hand, I already fear the after memorial brunch, as Zoe shared the menu with me, and I feel that I can’t be trusted around such foods, especially fresh on the heels of a steressful and sad event. And when I say that the key isn’t resisting all temptation, but using decent judgement and moderation, this doesn’t necessarily work either, as once I eat even a little of the “wrong” things, I spiral out of control and end up all the wrong places both physically and emotionally.

So what is the answer?! Total carb abstinence? Another pouch test? Back to basics? A lobotomy? Moving in with Debra?! Sewing my mouth shut?

Aghhh…where am I going with this? Yesterday  I did spend some time on line looking things up and reconnecting with others blogs, obesityhelp, and other bariatric venues in hopes of finding “answers.” Sometimes what I find instead, that adds to my sense of failure and depression, is reminders that I have lost probably a third less than my contemporaries on the same journey, and that I should have been down into the 140’s or so by now. If I had done things “right” from the start…. if I wasn’t futzing along with all the same struggles that I still have, since day one. I even reread some old posts of mine, and they all sound rather the same as to these concerns. Also, I read my posts from exactly one year ago to see what I was up to and how I was doing last June, and am rather appalled that I have only lost like 75 lbs. in a year. I should be pretty near goal weight and “coasting” now…not sounding like I still don’t get it and FAT!

So the real question is what I am going to do about these realizations.

And sadly, the real answer is…I don’t know yet.

But any feedback, advice, support or a kick in the keister, is welcome here!

Weight: 194.7 (!)

About my weight in a minute….

Callie is better!!! She wasn’t yesterday though, and Tom and I spent much of the evening trying to find her crouching and hiding under and behind furniture (which is not like her at all) and entice her to eat or drink. We did succeed in getting her to eat some shaved honey ham, and for her 2nd bowl of it, I was smarter and mixed it with water as she hadn’t been drinking either, and we most have been fearing that she is dehydrating. She lapped it up along with the ham, and she may as well  have been the star of stupid pet tricks, for the joy and pride it brought me.

I also talked with the vet late yesterday, and he said that if she wasn’t fully back to her old habits this morning, that we should bring her back in. He feared that she may need to be hydrated manually, and that another blood panel should be taken to check her kidneys and liver due to increasing concern that the pills may have damaged these organs. We kept our fingers crossed all night, and once again, I barely slept a wink.

But, this morning, she even greeted me with her usually joyful squeaks when I came out of the bathroom, and was easily led to a bowl of 9 lives mixed with water and some shaved ham on top for extra measure. And ate heartily!

She no longer looks slobbery and bedraggled, and has a more alert, happy manner that is almost back to her normal self. Callie typically purrs so loudly the minute she even sees you that it can be deafening, and this morning she didn’t just humor me as she had been if at all the last few days, but let loose with her typical excited and loving vocalizations. She is also out and about, and not hiding in crevices and such as she has been. I do believe she is on the mend, and could shout it from the rooftops!! Dare we breathe again and hope for at least a reprieve from loss and sadness?!

Not that our closest friends and such still aren’t grieving and in turmoil…but something about it being even closer to home (IN our home?) and touch and go as it has felt, had shifted the focus some from other burdens even. We will march on with being there tomorrow for Zoe’s fathers wake etc., but with a tinge of gratitude and perspective brought by a slice of good news for another of our loved ones (of a furry kind). I am also very happy that some good friends and co-workers of mine have returned from their vacation BEFORE the wake (I wasn’t sure when they were getting back), and will be coming too. Zoe will be pleased, as will I. Although their lives too have been touched by hardships lately, they are solid and supportive people, and I will feel glad for their company.

And changing the subject, because now I can without feeling torn or guilty, I seem to be a baritric mess. I think I gained a record amount for a day, but attribute this to salt and fluid…or at least I hope. I think.

It seems that I ate much of that shaved ham along with Callie, and I see that it is very high in sodium. Not to mention the cashews I nibbled, the numerous shrimp I had with cocktail sauce, and the huge bunch of grapes I ate for late night “snack”. Oh, and nearly a pint of blueberries in two sittings.

And 3 slices of Pizza Hut thin crust pizza!!! Yes, three!

Why? It was there, I was hungry, I have been messed up, I haven’t cared, I felt like it, the sun got in my eyes.

Clearly, I have not made watching my diet a prioity lately, and have gotten back off track (as if I was ever actually on track!) as a result. And I’m not sure where I am going with all this. I keep thinking that when I can breathe again, I can also “think” and plan and be better. I’m not sure if I am being a realist, or am delusional. And admittedly, so far, so bad.

Just the same, I still do not feel super prepared to think much differently just yet, and can’t promise to do better unless I actually mean it and feel it. Although I must say that when yesterday I ran into someone who had lap band surgery a few months before mine and she clearly has gained a lot back, I shuddered and resolved at least for that moment, that I wouldn’t let this be me. Interestingly, I also saw someone who had gastric bypass, and she looked haggard and too thin, and I also said that I wouldn’t let this be me. Like it ever could be anyway…ha ha!

But, what I would like is to lose at least into a respectible weight that takes me out of “obese” and reflects ongoing loss and dietary diligence. Although I realize this ain’t gonna come on its own, and Pizza Hut can’t be part of the equation!

So, perhaps as I move from emotional crisis mode into dietary crisis mode, I will find energy and motivation to face myself and confront my struggles and sabotage once more…and for now actually, this battle sounds refreshing and doable compared to the other demons I have been grppling with lately!!

Weight: 193.5 lbs.

Well, first off, the bad news is that I gained some real weight here, and just as I am facing weekly weigh-in day, to boot! I’m not sure if its from eating too much, too salty, or too poorly, but unfortunately, any of these factors could be so. Yesterday I was very anxious all day, and although I got off to a good start by exercising, by mid day I was a wreak. Between the AC fix that took much of the day and was messy and noisy, the cat, and a million frustrating phone calls that Tom and I both had to make, it was one of those days where you feel like you are back peddling to no where, and no one is cooperating with you.

Of greatest distress, was our futile attempts to pill Callie, who now perpetually froths at the mouth from either the trauma, an injury we may have caused trying to force her jaws open, a long lingering aftertaste, or pychological damage. The poor thing is now not eating and possibly not drinking either, and sucks air and slobbers conspicously all the time. We can’t even get near her to pill her anymore, although have decided to stop anyway, given both how bad we are at it, and her current problems and reactions. This is creating significant anxiety for Tom and I, and we aren’t always in agreement either as to what to do about it. Today he will watch her while I work a long day, and he is unsure whether to bring her back to the vet or not. We feel so worried and bad for her, and it is hard to know what is wrong and what to do about it.

The “good” news is that her bloodwork came back mostly good, except for high normal levels of thyroid which may indicate the early stages of hyperthyroidism. And if she is going to need pills for this, we are all screwed! We have to bring her back next week for more bloodwork, and to have her blood pressure checked so he can monitor this condition. I dread anything and everything to do with this and don’t know what we’ll do if she requires oral meds every day. Today she isn’t even getting the benefit of pain meds and it is our fault for being pathetic at getting anything in her.

In other news of impotence and frustration, several people who are critical for us to reach, have not returned calls despite our efforts (ie: our accountant who has our tax papers and has sat on them for weeks, and won’t return messages, e mails or the paperwork itself so we can get it back to the IRS before the upcoming deadline).  I also continue to await the results of my cpap titration study, and despite follow up, they just haven’t gotten the info. out to me. Nor has Tom’s church returned his call about issues related to his mother’s passing. Nor has the Heil distributor who was to discuss our coils failure with us. And the list goes on and on, making us feel invisible and as if no one ever does what they say or should. To me, this is the worst kind of situation, and leads to angry and anxious energy that makes me crazy. And “hungry.”  And yesterday especially, I munched in frustration between outgoing calls, while chasing the cat around, while dealing with the basement “company” from the AC company, while arguing with Tom about what to do for Callie. Cashews, blueberries, split pea soup, popcorn, veggie “chips.” No real meals, just constant grazing.

And I’ve got to find a better way to deal with negative emotions for weight and sanity sake. I am hoping that getting back to the rhythm and routine of work will actually be therapeutic for me, and I hope I can actually get in a full and focused day there, as I have been too distracted to even do a good job for some time now. I think I need to focus on external things and others, and try to let go of things here, especially those that I apparently am powerless to change.

But, we all know how bad I am at such things, and how reactive I can be to stress. And today at work, I am probably on the wrong side of “the couch” in the first place!

Weight: 192.7 lbs.

My skin is crawling and I can’t shake a feeling of agitation and sadness. I am afaid to breathe for fear of what may happen next.

Too many losses in too short a time. My heart and brain can’t absorb it all, and I feel torn as to which friends to comfort first. Last night we had Debbie over, as preplanned, in an attempt to provide support and solace for the recent loss of her mother. Instead, SHE ended up spending much of the evening while over, comforting Zoe on her loss, and providing valuable, practical information about funeral homes and other matters, given that she had just recently researched and learned all this herself. I can only hope that such an exchange of information and support was mutually helpful, as I feel badly somehow that given how quickly the losses are coming, that we never did provide the atmosphere of relaxation and comfort that we otherwise had hoped to.

Also yesterday, Tom called his Compeer friend, Bernard, as he had not heard from him in a while, only to learn that he was in a state of devastation and withdrawal, after having found his brother dead earlier this week. Tom must make time now too to be there for this special friend, but he will have to take a place in line. We also need to visit Kristine at the psych center as it is her birthday this week and we have been sorely remiss, and I called there yesterday to see how she is doing and to scope out a tenative plan. We hope to visit on Saturday, but given the capricious nature of her mental status, and ours lately, this isn’t written in stone. And I feel guilty about not having more to offer her too.

It remains clear that Zoe has many challenges on her hands, emotionally and logistically speaking, and I am also concerned for her as she grieves and struggles with all that is before her. I hope to be helpful, supportive and available, yet worry that my energy and time will remain compromised by so many other problems and needs as these too continue to grow. What does one do when it seems that everyone they are close to is in crisis at once?!

Barely on our radar but no less important, is the fact that Tom’s sister had major surgery a few days ago. We received word that she fared well, but her recovery will no doubt be lengthy and difficult. Everyone is waiting for her to be well enough to travel up from Texas for Tom’s mother’s memorial, which is now being considered for possibly August. This will be the opportunity for rememberence and celebration of her life, as there was no formal event locally when she passed in April. Much will also need to be done to get word out and gather the family at that time, but for now we are waiting to hear how Gail is faring and what date will work best for her and others to travel in. For the moment, I am glad it isn’t sooner, given all the other losses.

Also this morning, I checked e mail before posting, only to see that Tom’s Florida sister wrote that their son-in-law’s father died yesterday. I have no where to even put this news in my psyche.

Today my order of business is to see if Janet is up to company, as given many struggles in her life too, I hope to ensure time to provide support and enjoy her company. I also plan to go to work, but only to get word out of Zoe’s loss, as she is a popular figure at Aspire and I assume that others will want to know. She has much to do today to arrange services etc. for her dad, and I have offered whatever support and help I may be able to give, should she need me. I am not sure how this may shake out, but assume that she will have many difficult decisions to make about her father’s arrangements and such, and may want advice and solace along the way.

I think that I am in a mode where I need to be of practical help, if I am able, as otherwise I feel so awash with anxiety and impotence, that I can hardly stand it. There is a feeling almost of impending doom that has crept into our awareness here, and it is effecting my sleep, nerves and body. My stomach has been queasy lately, and I actually have been less hungry than usual, although did munch while Debbie was over last night, but mostly out of nervous energy.

I have gone off liquids and ate “normally” yesterday, including a chicken dish when out with Tom and Debbie to Athenas. I brought most of it home, although did indulge in a large bowl of split pea soup, first, and slurped every bit of this.

But, I really can’t focus on and care about food at the moment. I think I may have gotten back some balance here just in time to be thrown back off it…but don’t believe I will go so far off track as I had before. So far, I am eating like a typical post bariatric person, I believe, and continue to be quietly mindful of the basics.

And hope that these lessons run deep enough to stand on their own while I shift focus to much more important matters of life and death. Unfortunately in a literal sense.