Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 193.0 lbs.

In yesterday’s paper was a nice little article about friendship that made me appreciate mine that much more. It spoke to the fact that the best friends don’t “just feed us brownie”, but tell us it like it is when we need to be kicked in the pants.

Which is what both Debbie and Janet did with me while over for brunch yesterday. Both read my blog, and felt that my posts of recent days sounded as if I was selling myself short and giving up, and even worse, that I might have insulted Debra with my comments. Honestly I had worried that it was hard to capture the essence of what I really meant to say, and that things may in fact have come out sounding much worse than I meant. And if I offended or sounded morbidly depressed or as if I am giving up on myself, I didn’t mean this at all! But if I had to explain this to those who know me best, then I probably must explain and apologize to relative strangers as well. Sorry!! Really!!

I am still ME and as such, doing ME things that aren’t always great, but still pretty ok by comparison. In fact, I didn’t eat a single bagel despite being surrounded by them yesterday. I stuck with eggs and bacon (proteins) for breakfast, and chicken for dinner. I am still trying to be decent and make smart(er) choices…. I also worked out harder yesterday in preparation for being “off” the next day or two while away and lazy.

I have also been thinking about the concept of struggle and guilt as it pertains to the post bariatric journey, and am thinking that for good or bad, while others may have enjoyed a hiatus from both and a honeymoon period of losing fast and little hunger, I never did, really. If I look at my old posts, including those very soon after surgery, I was plagued with guilt and concerns even then, and don’t know what its like to have felt even a moment of significant hunger suppression or predictable weight loss. And I am thinking that the good news about this is that I am therefore not having to face this for the first time as the bariatric advantage wears off, nor am I shocked today by how hard everything is. I have known this all along and although a little harder now weight loss wise, the issues are still the same for me and I wasn’t lulled into believing otherwise first and then being caught off guard by a gradual increase in appetite, weight gain or struggles.

 I have also been thinking a lot lately about the value of good friends in my life and journey, and my gratitude to those especially who have been there for and with me through thick and thin. And fat and less fat. And I am wondering if I may have faltered even more if I didn’t have the support and perspective of so many others.

In addition, I have recently been warmed by many kindnesses generated by others, including Zoe’s invitation for dinner on my birthday, Nancy “stealing” the bariatric magazine out of a waiting room as “I knew you would be interested”, and Rose’s recent visit in which she brought Callie kitty treats as “I knew she hadn’t been feeling well lately.” (And I now know why Tom and I spent years trying to find such an dear old friend who is as generous and kind as this!)

Also, Debbie wrote a heartwarming thank you for our support when her mother passed and of the value of our friendship to her, and Dennis has offered to help Tom with his upcoming brake work.  Also, Janet’s sister Carol was kind enough to set aside gobs of stuff from her recent garage sale as she knew of my interest in donating such items, and saved enough (that she could have sold instead) to keep a small program busy for months! And Janet added items to this, and now that she is well, has made keeping up with us a priority.

 I am touched by and and greatly appreciate friendships of depth and mutual fulfillment, where milestones are honored and remembered, and most importantly, where someone cares enough to be generous with their time or themselves when the chips are down. Especially given the sobering realities around how short life can be, I have chosen to value and treasure my truest friends, as they do me, and no matter how hard things may then get, at least there is a feeling that you are not alone and that we are all in this together.

And, that if need be, they can slap some sense into me (or I them!), and we can keep each other honest and motivated and focused on what we are capable of and not what isn’t. And that even when things seem too hard to conquer, that giving up altogether is not an option.

And for those who I haven”t met but who are friends here nonetheless, I am equally as grateful!!