Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.9 lbs.

Today’s post is in response to a comment from Debra recently, which has been thought provoking for me. I have begun to think of likely differences between people that may, in addition to those factors identified in yesterdays references to a reseach article, account for the degree of success or failure one might achieve. I have also been pondering the possibility that “today” may stay my reality, what I have managed so far may be as good as it gets for me, and that I may NOT have all it takes to continue to goal, as this is seeming more and more ridiculous given how I repeatedly act.

I have been slowly realizing that my struggles are not due to a lack of knowlege, but of discipline. And that discipline relates to investment, commitment, motivation, chutzpah and other states…and that it sounds plausible that we all differ significantly in our inherent make-up, drive and ability to achieve “greatness” in these, just like any other, areas. As with musicians and artists and workers….some will rise to the top through hard work, dedication, talent and commitment, and others’ careers or whatever will never quite take off and they will never achieve the same degree of success or honor. Perhaps they won’t have “failed” in their lifestyle, but their outcome will be more ordinary than those who excelled.

I am reconciling myself to the likilihood that I am ordinary…. I will probably never be a “star” or a “boss” or top banana. Instead, I will probably EAT bananas, even though they are high in sugar, despite knowing this. I am coming to conclude, that I do NOT have what it takes to be a Debra…one who follows the rules without fail, who embraces concepts religiously, who drives daily towards everything healthy and right, and who has a consistent degree of motivation and focus to stay on track. Clearly, I have not been this way since day one…or my whole life, for that matter. I am instead, a mass of contradictions, ambivalence, undercurrents and defense mechanisms (denial? repression? avoidance?) I relate more to those whose flaws overtake them at times, and who wear their struggles on their sleeves. It is no wonder that I became a social worker, and that I am best revered for my ability to be sympathetic and compassionate to even the most messed up person who may repeatedly engage in self defeating behavior or who spins in the wind for ages before finding their way. I truly understand the forces behind such seemingly ridiculous behavior, and although I try to be a force for ultimate change, I can be very patient with how long this may take, and the fact that better doesn’t necessarily mean “cured” or free of all problematic behaviors.

In pondering all this, and thinking back to things that relate, I am being brutally honest with myself and everyone tuned in…and not proud to admit such human foibles. I am thinking back to a conversation I had with my brother some months ago, when we shared common feelings of having “quicksand under our feet” and other similarities in our emotional make-up that cause us to fall short of our goals and dreams, and that make us both more vulnerable to stress and emotionally fragile…. Although we both have lofty ideals and can be somewhat perfectionistic, neither of us ever quite actualizes oursleves in the ways we speak of, and have huge difficulties sustaining our interest and energy to achieve things we set out to do. He possibly worse than I, but both of us throughout our lives.

I was also recently reading an issue of “Strictly Slots” publication (for gamblers, like me!), and the editor wrote about how if insanity is defined as doing the same thing over again despite the same bad outcome (ie: playing slots!), then he suffers from it. And so do most of his readers. And I. Because as an analogy to the weight loss journey, gambling is even more blatantly stupid really - yet I repeatedly engage in this behavior too, with usually predictable outcomes. There is little difference between playing the odds with dessert, and throwing good money into a machine designed to take your money. Rarely do I dodge either bullet, as statistically, the house has the edge in both accounts.

And despite knowing this, I do it anyway! How stupid am I! Or weak? Or addicted? Or imperfect? Or a product of many factors and forces I have not grappled successfully with yet?

Or human?

And am I likely to change? At this stage of the game, I am beginning to think that “a leopards spots really are fixed” (or whatever!), and that if I haven’t figured this out yet, I’m probably not going to. And I may not even care enough to try to. And that maybe I am “ordinary” enough to also find complacency in where I now am, and that the push for much more, is not worth it enough at this time. These are the voices that lurk under the surface anyway, and that I am having a harder and harder time ignoring, must admit, and must give voice to here.

Call it what you like, and call ME what you like for admitting any of this in the first place…but it is real and it is who and what I am and it is what I am up against and it is why this blog may make diehards crazy and others find comfort that they are not alone. 

 Who and “what” are you?