Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.7 lbs.

I CAN do this! I must do this! I am doing this!

I had a good day yesterday, and did my very best to hold tight to the kind words of others and follow proper bariatric and lifestyle philosophies. I started by working out extra hard, which set the right tone for a day of empowerment and vigor to follow.

Tom worked an extra shift yesterday so was gone for all but an hour of the day, and as he had taken my car because his was in the shop, I was stuck home, alone, with a blessed degree of solitary time to ponder life, catch up on cerebral pursuits, and continue infusing myself with support and perspective via the internet. I read several people’s blogs, including ones I had never seen or heard of before. It is fascinating how many people write about their situations, and admittedly, I gravitated most to those who were candid about their struggles as I am. I don’t prefer those with recipes or “just the facts, maam” at this point, but find inspiration in heartfelt journaling from those in the trenches. I was able to see how others struggle with the carb monster, perhaps have gained or stalled, and what they feel and are trying to do to overcome such obstacles. One in particular wrote eloquently of her bouts of stress induced nibbling, with the consequence of a five pound weight gain that was difficult to stand. It helped me to feel less alone in how hard this all is, as well as to derive strentgh from her ultimate resolve to do better. Clearly, I am not the only one who waffles (no pun intended!), struggles, falters, gains, stalls, pulls hair out and loses sleep over the realities of this process. Sometimes it feels really good to know this, and it is interesting psychology as to how this actually serves to motivate and encourage me, rather than crush my spirit further.

Perhaps there truly is something to be said for the fact that misery loves company. And in my case, thrives on it.

In other “good” news, I forgot to mention that I did get the results back from my cpap titration study, and that I am down to a “5″ for my cpap setting! I believe that I started out at oxygen level 18, so this is a huge drop in the pressure necessary for me to breathe properly at night! However, the conservative doctor asked that she not put me all the way down this far from the 11 I tested at last time, as she feared that this might be too much for my system. So, she had us adjust the pressure down to “8″ for now, despite that I am actually lower. This is ok with me and I must trust her wisdom, although I still feel my cheeks puff out at times as air fills my face and has no where to go!

So, today I am actually writing a triumphant and optimistic post for a rare change, and feel the full glories of the moment. Plus, no one is dying or sick that I am aware of for the moment…and just for now, life is good and I am on track! And I’ll take it!!