Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.9 lbs.

Yesterday was poignant, yet inspirational. It seems that Zoe’s father was a brillant man who spoke 7 languages, had multiple degrees including PhD’s, a nursing degree and others in sociology and law. He wrote, taught and lived fully up until his recent death. Yet he was also a shy, gentle and unassuming man, and you wouldn’t know of his extraordinary talents as he never boasted or acted superior in any way. There was a wonderful service for him at the Unitarian Universalist Church, and I was touched to tears by so many people’s testimonies and rememberences, including those that Zoe and her husabnd, Dennis, gave.

At the brunch afterwards, I did try a little of much of what was available, unfortunately including some of the incredibly presented and delicious looking desserts. But first, I tried to satisfy myself with the tuna salad, egg salad and salad salad. I did skip the bagels and other pure starches, though also tried some quichey looking stuff that was quite amazing tasting although no one had any idea what exactly it was.

I don’t regret the nibbles and tastes that I did have, as in such a situation, I know that I would have felt different and deprived if I didn’t at least take a taste or two. I did watch my skinny colleagues and friends who we sat with eat all they wanted and enjoy wothout reserve, and must admit to feeling a tinge of jealousy for their ability to do so unthinkingly and without seeming guilt or question. For good or bad, this just seems so simple somehow compared to the perpetual questioning, doubt, guilt, remorse etc. that plagues me and many more like me I am sure.

Afterwards, Tom and I wanted to go see the Gay Men’s Chorus perform just a short distance away on the west side, but there were a few hours to spare in between. We hated to drive home to the northern suburbs and then back again, plus as we were already dressed for the occassion, we decided to run over to Slots, which is just over the border blocks from the church our concert was scheduled for.

Unfortunately, this made seeing this wonderful and inspirational chorus a more expensive endeavor than the $20 ticket price, and we felt a little heavier hearted trying to enjoy them but knowing that in the few hours before, we lost enough money to have treated some friends to their performance as well!

But, nonetheless, we are glad that we went, and they sang such beautiful songs, including “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother,” “You Raise Me Up,” “Nine Hundred Miles,” and my favorite, “Somebody To Love.” We had great seats as we got there early, and the acoustics were amazing. And interestingly, the conductor, Barbara Wagner, was the same woman who played the piano just hours earlier at Zoe’s father’s memorial, as she is also the music director at the UU church!

The only problem and one of my own making, was that we did not eat or drink at all from around 2:30 at the brunch, and until approximately 10:00 when the concert ended. I was starving during it, and felt rather weak and exhausted as a result. In fact, I nearly fell asleep during the slower numbers, and felt incredibly irritable afterwards, and know this was a direct result of lacking fuel. And was probably made worse by the carbs I consumed for lunch.

So when we got home around 11:00, tired and starving, I did eat a cheese stick as well as drank several glasses of crystal light. Not great, but I feared that I would perish in my sleep if I didn’t do something. Tom ate like a whole meal as he too was overwrought and starving, and I feared that he would have gerd all night. But, he seems to have done ok, if you don’t factor in all the other reasons why this is a terrible thing to do moments before bed.

Well today is already gearing up to be less traumatic or inspirational or stressful or fast paced or whatever, and we are looking forward to some R & R. Tonight is our monthly metal detecting club meeting, but other than that, we are mercifully free.

I do plan to run another mile or two on the treadmill and stay true at least, to my exercise regime, and keep hoping that the rest will follow. I usually do much better on slow days like today, so perhaps I can get my foothold, at least for now. And as Callie remains well (and everytime she does even something simple like jump up on the couch, eat or purr, we thrill in how recovered she is!), so the house is no longer filled with feelings of dread, hypervigilence, and fear. I might actually jusr enjoy staying home and being domestic, and can’t wait to go get started!