Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 193.7 lbs.

Yesterday was Zoe’s father’s wake, and surprisingly she seemed to be in good form, but her husband, who was quite close to her dad, was not. Either way, it was a sobering event, complete with video and pictures that always serve to add an even more melancholy mood to an already sad event. It also reminded me that I too knew and liked her dad, and that he had always been polite, soft spoken, and kind. It is so wierd when people die and are never here again, and it is hard to wrap one’s head around such a concept.

Today is the memorial with a brunch to follow, and we do plan to go to it all. Our friends and our co-workers will be in attendance as well, and their company adds comfort and cameraderie. Last night after the wake, 6 of us, and including our supervisor from Aspire, went out to dinner. I ordered a spanish omelet and ate it all, plus a few bites of the included wheat toast and a few forkfuls of the hash browns. I also drank about 3 cups of coffee both before and after my meal, and just couldn’t see not doing this, as I had craved it all through the wake, and look at it as both a social and a comfort beverage, and can’t imagine such a dinner and evening, without it. But, I basically broke the cardinal drinking rule, and today have a wicked stomach ache that I wonder whether relates to the slosh I created in my pouch so late last night.

I realize that it probably doesn’t sound as if I am taking myself or my need to use discipline seriously, but I am trying - really! I can’t seem to get a whole day in that is all on track though, and even if I start out with every good plan and intention, it seems that I do something anti-bariatric or good sense, before the day is out. I am starting to worry that I don’t have what it takes, whatever that is, and that I am doomed to failure. These fits and starts feel and seem exactly like those on every diet I have ever been on, and I end up the same place each time. Given that I am stalled weight wise (at best), I am also feeling demoralized and pessimistic, once again.

I did wake up today with a renewed intention to redeem myself, and worked out extra hard to try and counteract that creepy feeling of failure and impotence that comes when you know you aren’t doing all you can. On the other hand, I already fear the after memorial brunch, as Zoe shared the menu with me, and I feel that I can’t be trusted around such foods, especially fresh on the heels of a steressful and sad event. And when I say that the key isn’t resisting all temptation, but using decent judgement and moderation, this doesn’t necessarily work either, as once I eat even a little of the “wrong” things, I spiral out of control and end up all the wrong places both physically and emotionally.

So what is the answer?! Total carb abstinence? Another pouch test? Back to basics? A lobotomy? Moving in with Debra?! Sewing my mouth shut?

Aghhh…where am I going with this? Yesterday  I did spend some time on line looking things up and reconnecting with others blogs, obesityhelp, and other bariatric venues in hopes of finding “answers.” Sometimes what I find instead, that adds to my sense of failure and depression, is reminders that I have lost probably a third less than my contemporaries on the same journey, and that I should have been down into the 140’s or so by now. If I had done things “right” from the start…. if I wasn’t futzing along with all the same struggles that I still have, since day one. I even reread some old posts of mine, and they all sound rather the same as to these concerns. Also, I read my posts from exactly one year ago to see what I was up to and how I was doing last June, and am rather appalled that I have only lost like 75 lbs. in a year. I should be pretty near goal weight and “coasting” now…not sounding like I still don’t get it and FAT!

So the real question is what I am going to do about these realizations.

And sadly, the real answer is…I don’t know yet.

But any feedback, advice, support or a kick in the keister, is welcome here!