Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 193.2 lbs.

Callie remains much improved, and as a result, so are our spirits. We have all resumed a state of near normalcy now, whatever that means. I am breathing and living in a way that feels as if I am now out from under a cloud of sadness and doom, and hope to manage this for a while, despite the wake being tonight.

I have noticed that my appetitie and habits have also resumed some normalcy, meaning that I felt no overriding need to graze and stuff all day as I had been when in a constant state of agitation and anxiety. Actually, I had bouts of both disinterest in food altogether, as well as a ravenous need to comfort myself with food. Now I am somewhere in the middle which represents a manageable, controllable state where I feel in better charge of my feelings and thoughts regarding food and my choices.

I am torn between having compassion for myself when “down” and allowing for such dietary upheaval and considering it “normal” given the stress, and saying that I must learn to get a grip DESPITE such times, and that such behavior is unacceptable regardless of the reason. Besides, it seems as if my life is frequently in some sort of turmoil, including “fun” turmoil, and if this is an excuse, then I will be off track more often than not.

The problem now is, that I have had bad habits and been lenient with myself for so long, that I hardly know how to function differently or how to get a grip in the face of internal or external temptation and stress.

Instead of a tune up, I am beginning to think that I need my engine rebuilt or a new transmission…and wonder if I have the fortitude to take myself in for such major work.

I also wonder how any of this is any different really than before I had surgery, as my difficulties sure sound the same, as do many of my choices. I wonder if I am a failure, even if the scale doesn’t reflect this (yet!)…and what the “experts” would say about me, just 14 months out.

When I have time, I do plan to spend some time on various sites looking into things, including others stories and journeys, what works (and doesn’t) for others, and to revisit what the proper guidelines for success really are. I do know some, of course, but book (or Debra) knowledge is not the same as having internalized things, and I’d like to do better to “absorb” things this time around.

And I do feel more optimistic that the cosmos may allow me some time, brain space, and energy to devote to such things and to myself, once again, and I do hope not to fritter it away in useless endeavors, instead!