Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 194.7 (!)

About my weight in a minute….

Callie is better!!! She wasn’t yesterday though, and Tom and I spent much of the evening trying to find her crouching and hiding under and behind furniture (which is not like her at all) and entice her to eat or drink. We did succeed in getting her to eat some shaved honey ham, and for her 2nd bowl of it, I was smarter and mixed it with water as she hadn’t been drinking either, and we most have been fearing that she is dehydrating. She lapped it up along with the ham, and she may as well  have been the star of stupid pet tricks, for the joy and pride it brought me.

I also talked with the vet late yesterday, and he said that if she wasn’t fully back to her old habits this morning, that we should bring her back in. He feared that she may need to be hydrated manually, and that another blood panel should be taken to check her kidneys and liver due to increasing concern that the pills may have damaged these organs. We kept our fingers crossed all night, and once again, I barely slept a wink.

But, this morning, she even greeted me with her usually joyful squeaks when I came out of the bathroom, and was easily led to a bowl of 9 lives mixed with water and some shaved ham on top for extra measure. And ate heartily!

She no longer looks slobbery and bedraggled, and has a more alert, happy manner that is almost back to her normal self. Callie typically purrs so loudly the minute she even sees you that it can be deafening, and this morning she didn’t just humor me as she had been if at all the last few days, but let loose with her typical excited and loving vocalizations. She is also out and about, and not hiding in crevices and such as she has been. I do believe she is on the mend, and could shout it from the rooftops!! Dare we breathe again and hope for at least a reprieve from loss and sadness?!

Not that our closest friends and such still aren’t grieving and in turmoil…but something about it being even closer to home (IN our home?) and touch and go as it has felt, had shifted the focus some from other burdens even. We will march on with being there tomorrow for Zoe’s fathers wake etc., but with a tinge of gratitude and perspective brought by a slice of good news for another of our loved ones (of a furry kind). I am also very happy that some good friends and co-workers of mine have returned from their vacation BEFORE the wake (I wasn’t sure when they were getting back), and will be coming too. Zoe will be pleased, as will I. Although their lives too have been touched by hardships lately, they are solid and supportive people, and I will feel glad for their company.

And changing the subject, because now I can without feeling torn or guilty, I seem to be a baritric mess. I think I gained a record amount for a day, but attribute this to salt and fluid…or at least I hope. I think.

It seems that I ate much of that shaved ham along with Callie, and I see that it is very high in sodium. Not to mention the cashews I nibbled, the numerous shrimp I had with cocktail sauce, and the huge bunch of grapes I ate for late night “snack”. Oh, and nearly a pint of blueberries in two sittings.

And 3 slices of Pizza Hut thin crust pizza!!! Yes, three!

Why? It was there, I was hungry, I have been messed up, I haven’t cared, I felt like it, the sun got in my eyes.

Clearly, I have not made watching my diet a prioity lately, and have gotten back off track (as if I was ever actually on track!) as a result. And I’m not sure where I am going with all this. I keep thinking that when I can breathe again, I can also “think” and plan and be better. I’m not sure if I am being a realist, or am delusional. And admittedly, so far, so bad.

Just the same, I still do not feel super prepared to think much differently just yet, and can’t promise to do better unless I actually mean it and feel it. Although I must say that when yesterday I ran into someone who had lap band surgery a few months before mine and she clearly has gained a lot back, I shuddered and resolved at least for that moment, that I wouldn’t let this be me. Interestingly, I also saw someone who had gastric bypass, and she looked haggard and too thin, and I also said that I wouldn’t let this be me. Like it ever could be anyway…ha ha!

But, what I would like is to lose at least into a respectible weight that takes me out of “obese” and reflects ongoing loss and dietary diligence. Although I realize this ain’t gonna come on its own, and Pizza Hut can’t be part of the equation!

So, perhaps as I move from emotional crisis mode into dietary crisis mode, I will find energy and motivation to face myself and confront my struggles and sabotage once more…and for now actually, this battle sounds refreshing and doable compared to the other demons I have been grppling with lately!!