Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 193.5 lbs.

Well, first off, the bad news is that I gained some real weight here, and just as I am facing weekly weigh-in day, to boot! I’m not sure if its from eating too much, too salty, or too poorly, but unfortunately, any of these factors could be so. Yesterday I was very anxious all day, and although I got off to a good start by exercising, by mid day I was a wreak. Between the AC fix that took much of the day and was messy and noisy, the cat, and a million frustrating phone calls that Tom and I both had to make, it was one of those days where you feel like you are back peddling to no where, and no one is cooperating with you.

Of greatest distress, was our futile attempts to pill Callie, who now perpetually froths at the mouth from either the trauma, an injury we may have caused trying to force her jaws open, a long lingering aftertaste, or pychological damage. The poor thing is now not eating and possibly not drinking either, and sucks air and slobbers conspicously all the time. We can’t even get near her to pill her anymore, although have decided to stop anyway, given both how bad we are at it, and her current problems and reactions. This is creating significant anxiety for Tom and I, and we aren’t always in agreement either as to what to do about it. Today he will watch her while I work a long day, and he is unsure whether to bring her back to the vet or not. We feel so worried and bad for her, and it is hard to know what is wrong and what to do about it.

The “good” news is that her bloodwork came back mostly good, except for high normal levels of thyroid which may indicate the early stages of hyperthyroidism. And if she is going to need pills for this, we are all screwed! We have to bring her back next week for more bloodwork, and to have her blood pressure checked so he can monitor this condition. I dread anything and everything to do with this and don’t know what we’ll do if she requires oral meds every day. Today she isn’t even getting the benefit of pain meds and it is our fault for being pathetic at getting anything in her.

In other news of impotence and frustration, several people who are critical for us to reach, have not returned calls despite our efforts (ie: our accountant who has our tax papers and has sat on them for weeks, and won’t return messages, e mails or the paperwork itself so we can get it back to the IRS before the upcoming deadline).  I also continue to await the results of my cpap titration study, and despite follow up, they just haven’t gotten the info. out to me. Nor has Tom’s church returned his call about issues related to his mother’s passing. Nor has the Heil distributor who was to discuss our coils failure with us. And the list goes on and on, making us feel invisible and as if no one ever does what they say or should. To me, this is the worst kind of situation, and leads to angry and anxious energy that makes me crazy. And “hungry.”  And yesterday especially, I munched in frustration between outgoing calls, while chasing the cat around, while dealing with the basement “company” from the AC company, while arguing with Tom about what to do for Callie. Cashews, blueberries, split pea soup, popcorn, veggie “chips.” No real meals, just constant grazing.

And I’ve got to find a better way to deal with negative emotions for weight and sanity sake. I am hoping that getting back to the rhythm and routine of work will actually be therapeutic for me, and I hope I can actually get in a full and focused day there, as I have been too distracted to even do a good job for some time now. I think I need to focus on external things and others, and try to let go of things here, especially those that I apparently am powerless to change.

But, we all know how bad I am at such things, and how reactive I can be to stress. And today at work, I am probably on the wrong side of “the couch” in the first place!