Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.8 lbs.

We managed to have a whole day without massive stress or tragedy yesterday! In fact, Kris was unvisitable as she had had a very bad morning and was not in adequate psychiatric place to be seen, so we never did manage to celebrate her birthday with her. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this was a relief at some level, and that it afforded us some time for healing endeavors instead. I do hope that she finds her way to being well enough for a visit soon, and will keep checking in as to her status…and perhaps this will coincide with when we too are better equiped emotionally for the rigors of managing her angst along with so many others.

What we did do instead was the supreme gift of life and rejuvination, and I am glad I thought of it! I called my friend Rose, who loves to garden and was recently over commenting on how she would enjoy the chance to help us with ours, and asked her if she’d like to. She has also been having a very stressful life lately, juggling the care of her mother who has late stage Alzheimers, with a very difficult and demanding job.

She was actually thrilled for the invite, and as she rents an apartment in the city and has little space to plant, welcomed the chance to be creative at our house where we have the opposite problem. She came over at 1:00, and we went shopping for vegetable plants and flowers, as well as loads of top soil as our earth is crap. Although it was hotter than hell out, we managed to put in some lovely borders, and to ensure that we will have fresh tomatoes for months to come. It felt so therapeutic and wholesome to dig in the ground, get dirty and spend energy doing something life giving for a change, and it was just what the doctor ordered.

Afterwards we treated her to a nice dinner out, and this too was healing. Then, for added good measure, we actually went out for ice cream. I ordered a twist cone and ate half of it, but must admit that I don’t feel guilty in the least. And, for my dinner, I ordered a tuna plate that I took half of home, and feel was the best choice as well as was delicious and refreshing after a day of hard labor in the sun.

I did talk a few times to Zoe yesterday, including once early when she called in tears and was besides herself with upset over the many things on her emotional and physical plate. I do feel that I had something to offer and feel like maybe I can juggle what is needed of me with what is on my own plate, without having to get so depleted that I am strung out too. Perhaps balance like I am striving for by inventing simple, doable and healthy projects, is part of the key. That and nurturing whatever spirit is buried under the weightiness of life’s hardships, may be what is called for. And not eating, as would likely have been the only thing I could have come up with in the past. I am glad that I haven’t felt this same way about food this time around, and have therefore been able to maintain somewhat sane and moderate habits, despite the stress. This is different than just a few weeks ago when I succumbed through hedonistic indulgence and stress eating.

So at least for now I have found some balance in the face of a world that can easily feel as if it is spinning out of control. And have found some good ways to beat the blues and find a piece of sanity in an otherwise crazy world. Thank goodness for this!