Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 192.7 lbs.

My skin is crawling and I can’t shake a feeling of agitation and sadness. I am afaid to breathe for fear of what may happen next.

Too many losses in too short a time. My heart and brain can’t absorb it all, and I feel torn as to which friends to comfort first. Last night we had Debbie over, as preplanned, in an attempt to provide support and solace for the recent loss of her mother. Instead, SHE ended up spending much of the evening while over, comforting Zoe on her loss, and providing valuable, practical information about funeral homes and other matters, given that she had just recently researched and learned all this herself. I can only hope that such an exchange of information and support was mutually helpful, as I feel badly somehow that given how quickly the losses are coming, that we never did provide the atmosphere of relaxation and comfort that we otherwise had hoped to.

Also yesterday, Tom called his Compeer friend, Bernard, as he had not heard from him in a while, only to learn that he was in a state of devastation and withdrawal, after having found his brother dead earlier this week. Tom must make time now too to be there for this special friend, but he will have to take a place in line. We also need to visit Kristine at the psych center as it is her birthday this week and we have been sorely remiss, and I called there yesterday to see how she is doing and to scope out a tenative plan. We hope to visit on Saturday, but given the capricious nature of her mental status, and ours lately, this isn’t written in stone. And I feel guilty about not having more to offer her too.

It remains clear that Zoe has many challenges on her hands, emotionally and logistically speaking, and I am also concerned for her as she grieves and struggles with all that is before her. I hope to be helpful, supportive and available, yet worry that my energy and time will remain compromised by so many other problems and needs as these too continue to grow. What does one do when it seems that everyone they are close to is in crisis at once?!

Barely on our radar but no less important, is the fact that Tom’s sister had major surgery a few days ago. We received word that she fared well, but her recovery will no doubt be lengthy and difficult. Everyone is waiting for her to be well enough to travel up from Texas for Tom’s mother’s memorial, which is now being considered for possibly August. This will be the opportunity for rememberence and celebration of her life, as there was no formal event locally when she passed in April. Much will also need to be done to get word out and gather the family at that time, but for now we are waiting to hear how Gail is faring and what date will work best for her and others to travel in. For the moment, I am glad it isn’t sooner, given all the other losses.

Also this morning, I checked e mail before posting, only to see that Tom’s Florida sister wrote that their son-in-law’s father died yesterday. I have no where to even put this news in my psyche.

Today my order of business is to see if Janet is up to company, as given many struggles in her life too, I hope to ensure time to provide support and enjoy her company. I also plan to go to work, but only to get word out of Zoe’s loss, as she is a popular figure at Aspire and I assume that others will want to know. She has much to do today to arrange services etc. for her dad, and I have offered whatever support and help I may be able to give, should she need me. I am not sure how this may shake out, but assume that she will have many difficult decisions to make about her father’s arrangements and such, and may want advice and solace along the way.

I think that I am in a mode where I need to be of practical help, if I am able, as otherwise I feel so awash with anxiety and impotence, that I can hardly stand it. There is a feeling almost of impending doom that has crept into our awareness here, and it is effecting my sleep, nerves and body. My stomach has been queasy lately, and I actually have been less hungry than usual, although did munch while Debbie was over last night, but mostly out of nervous energy.

I have gone off liquids and ate “normally” yesterday, including a chicken dish when out with Tom and Debbie to Athenas. I brought most of it home, although did indulge in a large bowl of split pea soup, first, and slurped every bit of this.

But, I really can’t focus on and care about food at the moment. I think I may have gotten back some balance here just in time to be thrown back off it…but don’t believe I will go so far off track as I had before. So far, I am eating like a typical post bariatric person, I believe, and continue to be quietly mindful of the basics.

And hope that these lessons run deep enough to stand on their own while I shift focus to much more important matters of life and death. Unfortunately in a literal sense.