Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 196.2 lbs.

I am sick of gaining and of eating with impunity. I am sick of myself, my hectic lifestyle, my “excuses” and my hedonism. I NEED to get back on track, and live with order and sensibility. I can say all this now because the weekend is over and I am looking ahead at what appears to be a calmer week. And I have already eaten and enjoyed the eggs and sausage and pancakes at Pete’s yesterday, the leftovers at our house, and the fixings everywhere we’ve gone in between.

Even my average weights have crept up, and I do fear that I have crossed the line from occasional liberties with my diet, and into getting so far off track that I have forgotten the golden rules.

So, when I went to bed feeling burnt out and disgusted with myself last night, I decided that I MUST either go back on Atkins type eating today, or restart things through the 5 day pouch test. And, I must get back to working out.

So far, I have done the latter. I almost forgot how nicely our basement is set up for such things, as it has been this long!

And, I am planning to have just shakes and other liquids today. Because I can. The land mine of activities is over for the moment, and other than tonight’s wake for Debbie’s mother, I am “free” to reinvent myself and taking steps in the right direction. I already have all the ingredients I need for a liquid lifestyle, and hope I can make the full 5 days as I did before. I’d love to get not just back down to where I was before I became so errant, but to lose out of the 190’s all together, and think that seeing the scale move (down for a change!) may also boost my morale and get my thinking back on track. Not to mention my pouch!

I figure also that I must be coming due soon for bloodwork and another physical (July, I believe), and it would be nice to feel good about myself at this time. I remain very curious as to how I am doing internally as well. When I had a percursory physical last week at work (as part of my annual review), my BP was 104/84, my heartrate was 72, and my temp. was 100.something. Which was wierd, although we figured it might be due to the fact that the nurse just gave me my PPD, and as always, I get shocky from the sight of the needle. And this may have raised my temp., and lowered my BP (?)

Anyway, my point is that I am back to taking stock, and know that I can’t feel good about myself if I remain slovenly in my habits. An occassional cheat or bad day is different than the daily habits I have been engaging in lately, and I’ve got to get myself out of this slippery slope. I am actually lucky that I haven’t gained more than the few lbs. that I have, considering how poorly I have been eating. But it isn’t even just about what the scale says, as I feel gross and bloated and guilty and powerless.

So, today’s post is as much for me as for anyone else out there, as I am needing to psych myself up and pronounce my intentions publically, in hopes that this will solidify my will.

Let’s see if it works!