Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 195.1 lbs.

I feel like the main mole in the “whack a mole” game. All beat up and clobbered. I barely made it to work yesterday, and found that just short of arriving, my “you know what” had in fact arrived and in spades, and I was bleeding to (what felt and seemed like) death!

Also just as I arrived, the boss of our clinic grabbed me at the door, and asked that she walk with me to my room as she had some bad news to share. Before she even got a word out, I almost started bawling.

She said that a long time staff from one of our group homes, had been found dead this morning, and that as this residence in particular had suffered so many losses in recent years, the remaining staff were very concerned about telling the clients that this individual had passed. And so they wanted to wait until evening when a counselor (ME!) could be there to provide oversight and support as they were told.

Ack!

What do you do in a situation like this? Tell your top boss that you are in a period induced funk, bleeding to friggin death and can’t handle it?! Act composed despite your horror, and suck it up?! Run screaming from the room?! Ask her if she can please find someone else as you are “busy” - even though she knows that you aren’t because until just yesterday, you were supposed to be at a staff meeting at this very time.

Guess which one I chose.

Needless to say, she then asked me to contact all of my co-workers and try to see who could come, because she wasn’t really asking, but telling.

So, on top of the eight clients I had scheduled along with hourly bathroom calls and the general misery of it all, I tried frantically to reach all of my off site colleagues (we are all part time and most work elsewhere the other days), to little avail. The boss whose last day was yesterday and who went with me to this same residence last year for the same reason, said that if he had to, that he would, but not alone (ie: only if I went too). This seemed like a horrible concession given that the poor guy has been trying to get out alive for like months now and can’t quite seem to make the break, PLUS because it was bundled with ME.

Long story short, in the final hour, my other boss was reached and agreed to go, although then I felt guilty and tormented all day, as her life is even busier, and given my role as middle management, it just seems more appropriate that I have assumed this responsibility, and not her. Plus, I know this residence and its consumers and remaining staff quite well, and she does not.

But, I was in no physical or emotional position to “argue”…and tonight at Kevin’s send off dinner, I will ask her how it went. It is a horrific thing to have to do under any circumstances, and she has the emotional make-up to be better at it anyway than nervous and slobbery old me, so I assume she did well by everyone.

Anyway, today I am so depleted and in pain, that I’m not even going to go to a single garage sale, and may not even leave the house until compelled to this evening for Kevin’s party. And couldn’t be more glad to be off…if indeed I am not called in, which I clearly might be as we never did have any kind of meeting and given Kevins departure, he and MaryEllen and I still need to connect somehow. So I guess that I am on call…and praying for silence! That is how cruddy I feel.

The good news though, is that my appetite and wierd, strung out cravings and munchiness, have subsided, and I am much better able to use everyday restraint and make better choices. Yesterday I stuck with good protein based foods, and could easily ignore the bowls o’ crap that still are hanging around from our Memorial day event. Up until yesterday, ANYTHING within my grasp was  dietary fodder, and I felt nearly powerless against my urges. Even today I feel “normal” again, and believe there is hope for me yet. I am starting to think how nice it would be to actually LOSE weight (what a concept!), and even to get into my 180’s would be so cool right now. I still want to get back to my marriage weight (188), and this really shouldn’t be taking so long, as it is not far off. I need to get back into this kind of thinking, and act accordingly. I appreciate any support for this mission, as it reminds me to refocus, and as Debra says, that I can, in fact, do it.

So, I do plan to rise up from my whacked down state into a better one soon, and actually feel good about saying this for the first time in a while.

The key is to not just say things however, but to actually DO them….   Soon!!