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Weight: 193.3 lbs.
Well, its official! I am now 49 years old, which means that if I live until next year, I will be the big 5-0!
It has been quite a ride, and although I have made strides to reclaim my health and my life in this year between birthdays, I know that I have not done enough or all that I could have to be working my tool as successfully as I could be. Just the same, I have lost a decent amount of weight, and am living a much fuller life this birthday than last as a result. In a few weeks we are renting a cottage on the lake with a million steps down to the water, and I should actually be able to make it both ways and look forward to the challenge and to the opportunities to use my body even more. I never would have thought or talked last this a a few birthdays ago, and would have preferred a trip to the buffet over an outing to nature where exertion might be involved.
In fact, for my birthday, I am making “new me” resolutions (instead of new years…ha ha, get it?!) and I am resolving to move more and shake it up better in this coming year of my life. I am finding that my worst eating times are those in which I am vegetating in front of the tv after a long day at work. Usually I nibble and munch, and it is due to restless energy and anxiety, rather than true hunger. I need to channel these emotions into some form of evening activity from more walks with Tom to even putting a piece of equipment near the tv and using it while watching. Or, I am thinking that even an activity like arts or crafts or something while sitting, so at minimum I am not mindlessly eating. I am finding that I can do relatively good diet wise for a whole day, and then blow it on excess calories or some munchable crap, late at night. My birthday gift to me is to succeed at solving this issue through conscious effort and creativity.
Also, this is the year I must pay closer attention to the health aspects of this process. I still have not heard from my bariatric center as to any physicals or follow up or bloodwork I KNOW that I am (over)due for, and I need to be proactive about this. I have not had bloodwork since I believe my 4th month out, which makes a whole year of unknowns. And a critical year at that, as I have heard that deficiencies and problems can arise quickly, and should be monitored before they get too severe. I am clueless what any of my levels are, and must admit to some strange symptoms lately that do make me a tad concerned. Although my friend Barb has reassured me that my brillo like hair is likely a normal and even healthy manifestation of getting MORE vitamins in my system since surgery, I am not convinced. My hair seems to have grown back in a very odd manner, and I feel like I am sporting a fro. It is wirey and curly in ways it has never been, and I wonder if its coarse texture may indicate some thyroid issues or other systemic changes. Or, perhaps it is just that it has grown back thicker and differently, as others have also speculated. But, either way, I need to know.
Also, I had an odd and nebulous experience about a month ago that I didn’t think much of until it repeated itself a week or so ago. While out for lunch with some friends, we were talking and eating and suddenly, my lips and tongue when completely numb, as if some topical analgesic had been used on me. You know, that wierd novacaine type feeling where you feel as if you must talk with a lisp because your mouth isn’t working right. I was eating a chicken stir fry at the time, and wondered aloud if I might be allergic to the soy sauce or something. It lasted for about 5 or 10 minutes, and then went away on its own.
Until it happened again recently, and again while eating.
And then, a few days ago, I was on the computer late, when suddenly I was sweating buckets, so fuzzy headed that I could barely think or read the screen, and just felt ”wierd”. I felt as if my head was in vice grips, not because it hurt, but because there was an odd squeezing sensation that made me almost feel as if I was losing touch with reality and about to pass out. I was concerned that maybe my blood sugar had plummeted, so unsteadily worked my way to the kitchen and found some pretzels to munch. My mouth felt numb like before, as well. But, after a few minutes, I did recover fully, and went to bed no worse for the wear. Albeit, drenched in sweat.
I do wonder, given my new advanced age, if these are peri menopausal symptoms or related to hormones in some way. Or, not. They are nebulous and inconsistent and almost too imperceptable to mention (which is why I haven’t until now), but if I add them up, possibly diagnostic of some underlying issue.
So, if I hope to live and live well, I do know that I must commit to taking better care of myself in these more golden years.
Now that I am approaching senior status and all! Or, at least it feels like it! God, how did I get so old and where have I been all my life?!
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Weight: 193.3 lbs.
Well, not shockingly, my weight went up, and my money went down. Too bad it didn’t go the other way! But, that would have required discipline or self determination or something more than the “throw caution to the wind” mentality that staying over at a casino creates and we bought into.
But, let me highlight some of the many highs and lows…including the trip there. From hell! About 45 minutes in, as Tom and I are enjoying banter while Iwas driving (already frustrated because he got us lost while still in our hometown!), he tells me that we need to take “the 219 south”…which we passed many miles earlier. I told him that he never mentioned that we took this route and that we are well beyond it and that he told me numerous times before we left that he knew just how to get there. And that due to this, we left the GPS (and about a hundred maps) home! The short version, is that despite his attempts to reassure me that he knew alternate routes and back roads, he really didn’t, and we got hopelessly lost in farm country, with no one but horses to even ask directions from for miles around. Which may have been lovely and bucolic and relaxing, except that it wasn’t. We fussed and argued and agreed that this was not a fun way to start our trip out, and that we were driving through cow country without a clue. And I think I have watched too many Deliverence type movies, because I had the creeps the whole time and imagined our lifeless bodies being discovered with buckshot holes and bite marks, weeks later.
The short version is that of course we eventually got there (thanks to several people out cutting their lawns and such!), and that it was all ok eventually. And that we were ultimately no worse off for it all and may have even saved a few dollars given the time we lost.
And, when we did finally check into our room, we had been upgraded to, and I quote, “a penthouse suite.” Seriously! Compliments of the casino and likely due to the hell we went through booking the room in the first place. But that’s a whole different story!
Anyway, the room(s) were extraordinary, and we had 2 bathrooms, a bar, a living room and a large bedroom with a jacuzzi built in. It overlooked the Allegany forest, and was beautiful. And one of my fondest memories of this mini vacation will surely be the luxurious bath I took in it in the early morning. I didn’t let Tom join me though as I am still too embarassed by my weight and looks, including how saggy and baggy I look in the light of day (and without bubble bath to have hidden me underwater!) He slept in while I enjoyed the rest of the suite as well, including the coffee set up and complimentary newspapers.
Ahhh…the grandeur of a gambling junket where everything is “free” (as in we could have bought the whole joint if only we never gambled there in the first place!)
Oh, and the buffet where we ate our lunch was yummy - and I ate mostly good proteins, like shrimp and baked chicken. Although admittedly I messed up on the cream soup of the day (extraordinary!), and a few bites of dessert.
Then later at night and after nearly passing out from hunger and exhaustion, we ate at the 24 hour diner on the 2nd floor. They are quaint and cozy and have great food that I even remembered from last trip. I ordered the french onion soup and the cobb salad, stupidly thinking I could eat as much as all this given how starving I was at the time. Well, I did eat much of the soup and a few forkfuls of the salad, and took the rest back to the room as we also had a fridge in it. It was the best cobb salad I have every seen or eaten - with several types of lettuce and bacon and avacado and cherry tomatoes and slabs of turkey and ham and cheddar cheese and swiss. Presented like art work on a huge plate, and enough for an army.
I ate some of the rest of it for breakfast while Tom had a danish and the rest of his chicken finger salad in the room, while looking out at our beautiful view. What a treat! And a nice way to be indulged for my bithday! A few days early!
Some other highs relate to how many fun things there were to play on the state of the art floor. Although lows related to this are how many fun things there were to play, and how this adds up monetarily when one is there for as many hours as we were. Tom had the fortune or misfortune to sit next to a woman who won $10, 500 on a 2 cent machine of the the same type that he was playing. It can be nice to see somone win such a huge progressive…but hard too, when it is the neighboring machine to your cold one! And you have already lost your whole wardrobe to the house edge!
The better news is that I hit a streak on my favorite type of quarter machine (the Bonus Times) and got back some of our losses, which allowed us to feel a little less like losers in the final equation.
Although mucho discipline will be necessary to make up for the hedonism of this birthday gambling and eating wise…and truth be told, it isn’t even quite my birhtday yet!
God, at this rate, I will be busted and fat(ter!) as I enter my 49th year…Happy F…ing birthday to me! God…when will I learn!
On the other hand, who wants to be a saint…especially on their birthday!?
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Weight: 193.0 lbs.
In yesterday’s paper was a nice little article about friendship that made me appreciate mine that much more. It spoke to the fact that the best friends don’t “just feed us brownie”, but tell us it like it is when we need to be kicked in the pants.
Which is what both Debbie and Janet did with me while over for brunch yesterday. Both read my blog, and felt that my posts of recent days sounded as if I was selling myself short and giving up, and even worse, that I might have insulted Debra with my comments. Honestly I had worried that it was hard to capture the essence of what I really meant to say, and that things may in fact have come out sounding much worse than I meant. And if I offended or sounded morbidly depressed or as if I am giving up on myself, I didn’t mean this at all! But if I had to explain this to those who know me best, then I probably must explain and apologize to relative strangers as well. Sorry!! Really!!
I am still ME and as such, doing ME things that aren’t always great, but still pretty ok by comparison. In fact, I didn’t eat a single bagel despite being surrounded by them yesterday. I stuck with eggs and bacon (proteins) for breakfast, and chicken for dinner. I am still trying to be decent and make smart(er) choices…. I also worked out harder yesterday in preparation for being “off” the next day or two while away and lazy.
I have also been thinking about the concept of struggle and guilt as it pertains to the post bariatric journey, and am thinking that for good or bad, while others may have enjoyed a hiatus from both and a honeymoon period of losing fast and little hunger, I never did, really. If I look at my old posts, including those very soon after surgery, I was plagued with guilt and concerns even then, and don’t know what its like to have felt even a moment of significant hunger suppression or predictable weight loss. And I am thinking that the good news about this is that I am therefore not having to face this for the first time as the bariatric advantage wears off, nor am I shocked today by how hard everything is. I have known this all along and although a little harder now weight loss wise, the issues are still the same for me and I wasn’t lulled into believing otherwise first and then being caught off guard by a gradual increase in appetite, weight gain or struggles.
I have also been thinking a lot lately about the value of good friends in my life and journey, and my gratitude to those especially who have been there for and with me through thick and thin. And fat and less fat. And I am wondering if I may have faltered even more if I didn’t have the support and perspective of so many others.
In addition, I have recently been warmed by many kindnesses generated by others, including Zoe’s invitation for dinner on my birthday, Nancy “stealing” the bariatric magazine out of a waiting room as “I knew you would be interested”, and Rose’s recent visit in which she brought Callie kitty treats as “I knew she hadn’t been feeling well lately.” (And I now know why Tom and I spent years trying to find such an dear old friend who is as generous and kind as this!)
Also, Debbie wrote a heartwarming thank you for our support when her mother passed and of the value of our friendship to her, and Dennis has offered to help Tom with his upcoming brake work. Also, Janet’s sister Carol was kind enough to set aside gobs of stuff from her recent garage sale as she knew of my interest in donating such items, and saved enough (that she could have sold instead) to keep a small program busy for months! And Janet added items to this, and now that she is well, has made keeping up with us a priority.
I am touched by and and greatly appreciate friendships of depth and mutual fulfillment, where milestones are honored and remembered, and most importantly, where someone cares enough to be generous with their time or themselves when the chips are down. Especially given the sobering realities around how short life can be, I have chosen to value and treasure my truest friends, as they do me, and no matter how hard things may then get, at least there is a feeling that you are not alone and that we are all in this together.
And, that if need be, they can slap some sense into me (or I them!), and we can keep each other honest and motivated and focused on what we are capable of and not what isn’t. And that even when things seem too hard to conquer, that giving up altogether is not an option.
And for those who I haven”t met but who are friends here nonetheless, I am equally as grateful!!
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Weight: 192.5 lbs.
While at work yesterday, I met with my boss for three straight hours, amongst other things. I have been promoted to assistant supervisor, which basically means that I will finally be acknowleged for the many additional responsibilites I have taken on and will continue to, especially as one of my supervisors recently left. It also will bring with it a small pay raise, and options for further growth. She asked if I would like the opportunity to move further up to “co-supervisor,” or to consider taking on her role altogether so that she may ultimately make her exit.
To the latter at least, I said a resounding “no!”, as there are several aspects of her position that I would rather be hung by my fingernails than do…or, stink at. These include everything related to audits, incident reporting, and anything politics. We spent hours mapping out our mutual roles and options that I can still decide on for continued growth, given my “limitations” nonetheless.
Interestingly, she said that “not everyone has what it takes or aspires to be president, and most people are ok settling for vice president. It sounds like you might be saying that you’re one of these people.”
And she doesn’t even read my blog! But, my point exactly and succinctly, in bariatrics and in life. I guess it comes down to a matter of knowing where to draw the line, and what is and is not realistic for who I am.
On a micro level, I face some simpler, yet difficult choices around food for the next three days, today included. Janet and Debbie are due over shortly for our monthly brunch, and as always, Debbie brings the bagels she has won a years supply of from Panera Bread. And between these and the many other goodies brought and cooked, I always get whipped into an eating frenzy. And would be lying if I said that I stuck with just eggs, or something. Although of course, this would be one option.
Then, tomorrow and into Monday, Tom and I are travelling and staying over at the Seneca Allegany Casino. This is a beautiful drive and a break from our more local gambling spots, and it will be in honor of my upcoming birthday. And there will be lots of hedonism and food, with the “excuse” of birthday/vacation/celebration/getaway to “justify” bad behavior. Which is a no no no no, but realistically speaking, like me nevertheless. Although really, really truly I will do as good as I now can, and even with all these excuses and rants and whines and psychological mumbo jumbo, I am not being horrible or using this as license to eat my face off or anything. In fact, I thought that I did pretty darn good both diet and exercise wise most of this week, despite how I may sound here. Not Debra good or anything, but “me” good…which believe me, is better than” me” bad!
And speaking of good and bad, it will be up to you to decide what me skipping Monday’s blog entry is. And if your answer is “good!”, I don’t want to know!
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Weight: 192.9 lbs.
Today’s post is in response to a comment from Debra recently, which has been thought provoking for me. I have begun to think of likely differences between people that may, in addition to those factors identified in yesterdays references to a reseach article, account for the degree of success or failure one might achieve. I have also been pondering the possibility that “today” may stay my reality, what I have managed so far may be as good as it gets for me, and that I may NOT have all it takes to continue to goal, as this is seeming more and more ridiculous given how I repeatedly act.
I have been slowly realizing that my struggles are not due to a lack of knowlege, but of discipline. And that discipline relates to investment, commitment, motivation, chutzpah and other states…and that it sounds plausible that we all differ significantly in our inherent make-up, drive and ability to achieve “greatness” in these, just like any other, areas. As with musicians and artists and workers….some will rise to the top through hard work, dedication, talent and commitment, and others’ careers or whatever will never quite take off and they will never achieve the same degree of success or honor. Perhaps they won’t have “failed” in their lifestyle, but their outcome will be more ordinary than those who excelled.
I am reconciling myself to the likilihood that I am ordinary…. I will probably never be a “star” or a “boss” or top banana. Instead, I will probably EAT bananas, even though they are high in sugar, despite knowing this. I am coming to conclude, that I do NOT have what it takes to be a Debra…one who follows the rules without fail, who embraces concepts religiously, who drives daily towards everything healthy and right, and who has a consistent degree of motivation and focus to stay on track. Clearly, I have not been this way since day one…or my whole life, for that matter. I am instead, a mass of contradictions, ambivalence, undercurrents and defense mechanisms (denial? repression? avoidance?) I relate more to those whose flaws overtake them at times, and who wear their struggles on their sleeves. It is no wonder that I became a social worker, and that I am best revered for my ability to be sympathetic and compassionate to even the most messed up person who may repeatedly engage in self defeating behavior or who spins in the wind for ages before finding their way. I truly understand the forces behind such seemingly ridiculous behavior, and although I try to be a force for ultimate change, I can be very patient with how long this may take, and the fact that better doesn’t necessarily mean “cured” or free of all problematic behaviors.
In pondering all this, and thinking back to things that relate, I am being brutally honest with myself and everyone tuned in…and not proud to admit such human foibles. I am thinking back to a conversation I had with my brother some months ago, when we shared common feelings of having “quicksand under our feet” and other similarities in our emotional make-up that cause us to fall short of our goals and dreams, and that make us both more vulnerable to stress and emotionally fragile…. Although we both have lofty ideals and can be somewhat perfectionistic, neither of us ever quite actualizes oursleves in the ways we speak of, and have huge difficulties sustaining our interest and energy to achieve things we set out to do. He possibly worse than I, but both of us throughout our lives.
I was also recently reading an issue of “Strictly Slots” publication (for gamblers, like me!), and the editor wrote about how if insanity is defined as doing the same thing over again despite the same bad outcome (ie: playing slots!), then he suffers from it. And so do most of his readers. And I. Because as an analogy to the weight loss journey, gambling is even more blatantly stupid really - yet I repeatedly engage in this behavior too, with usually predictable outcomes. There is little difference between playing the odds with dessert, and throwing good money into a machine designed to take your money. Rarely do I dodge either bullet, as statistically, the house has the edge in both accounts.
And despite knowing this, I do it anyway! How stupid am I! Or weak? Or addicted? Or imperfect? Or a product of many factors and forces I have not grappled successfully with yet?
Or human?
And am I likely to change? At this stage of the game, I am beginning to think that “a leopards spots really are fixed” (or whatever!), and that if I haven’t figured this out yet, I’m probably not going to. And I may not even care enough to try to. And that maybe I am “ordinary” enough to also find complacency in where I now am, and that the push for much more, is not worth it enough at this time. These are the voices that lurk under the surface anyway, and that I am having a harder and harder time ignoring, must admit, and must give voice to here.
Call it what you like, and call ME what you like for admitting any of this in the first place…but it is real and it is who and what I am and it is what I am up against and it is why this blog may make diehards crazy and others find comfort that they are not alone.
Who and “what” are you?
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Weight: 193.3 lbs.
I have to start with the fortune from my cookie while celebrating Tom’s last day of school (as a bus driver) last night. It was at the mmpphhh (shhh…Chinese Buffet)…but I didn’t eat the cookie, I swear! In fact, I ate largely decent protein foods, like chicken and broccoli, chicken on a stick, shrimp something or other, and won ton soup. The fact that there was a disgusting worm in my watermelon served me right, as well as caused me to stop the indulgence right then and there, and practically upchuck what I had already eaten.
But, I digress. Here is what my fortune read: “What are you waiting for? Start moving now!!
Who ever heard of such a fortune? Tom’s said the usual philisophical ya ya of most cookies, and usually mine says even stupider stuff about wisdom or luck or optimism or something.
Perhaps if listening to Debra and others wiser than I fails, I can just crack open a fortune cookie and pay heed, and I’ll do alright after all!
And speaking of which, I am excited to write about this awesome magazine my friend “stole” for me from the waiting room of a clinic she was at recently. She brought it to me yesterday, and I have read every word. It is called “Journal of the American Dietetic Association” and it is their April 2010 issue. If I knew how, I’d scan some of the relevent articles in here, or reference a website where you too could access it. If anyone reading this finds a link and knows how to post it here, please let me know or do so in the comments section. There are four excellent articles in this issue regarding bariatrics, including one chapter called: Dietary, Weight, and Psychological Changes among Patients with Obesity, 8 Years after Gastric Bypass.” Another is titled:” Bariatric Surgery-A Surgeon’s Perspective” and another is about the role of registered dieticians for bariatric patients.
These are all study based articles, and quite fascinating, albeit disheartening for me. For instance, in the 8 year longitudinal study, ” more than half of the patients achieved successful weight loss and that factors associated with this outcome were “younger age at baseline (time of surgery), a leaner body composition 1 year after surgery, and lower energy intake (calorie intake) at last visit (in the 8th year interview). Also, a higher number of pre-surgery psychological consults seemed to help with successful outcomes.
(I am screwed on all accounts!)
Patients who were classified as successful had lost over 50% of excess body weight (which would then include me - yeah!), however only 13% of the study participants lost over 5 kg (does anyone know how many pounds a kg is?? )after the 12th month. (Ack…no wonder its been so much harder to stay on track/lose!) On the other hand, 26% stabalized weight wise in a range of + or - 5 kg. from their first years weight, and 61% regained more than 5 kg of weight.
At 8 years out, 67% had a BMI under 40 ., and 16% shifted from obesity to the overweight category (BMI under 30.) A normal BMI of under 25 was achieved by only 1% of the participants. And Debra - ha ha! And 10% are said to still have a BMI over 40.
In summary, “most weight loss occured in the short term after surgery” (Crap!) “However succesful this result may appear, more than half of pateints regained at least 5 kg. between the first year and the last visit (in the 8th year), and they expressed feelings of guilt and shame” (And they didn’t even poll me!) It goes on to say that a lot of patients felt abandoned by their doctors or systems they needed support from, and felt “left alone with their new body, their scar, their fears.” It discusses the huge importance of support and oversight for bariatric patients, and expecially those who began as super obese (like me!), who “have often been reported to have disturbed eating habits, including binge eating. night eating syndrome, and frequent snacking or grazing.” (Eeep - do they have a hidden camera in my house!?) It states that these disorders remain frequent in bariatric patients, and the definition of success should encompass not just degree of weight lost, but “also problematic eating behaviors and psychological well being.”
Also, there is an excellent article on the resolution of diabetes post surgery, and why this seems to occur and in what percentage of people.
Its all great, informative, factual stuff - but a little disheatening for me, especially given some bleak statistics regarding weight loss after the first, critical year. And how commonplace snacking and other bad habits are after surgery and especially as time goes by. I mean I know that I was fighting an uphill battle here, but geesh!
Oh well, at least I now have facts and stats to prove that I am not alone!
Whoopie for me!! (Crap!)
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Weight: 193.5 lbs.
There are lots of oopsies this morning, the first of which will make today’s post shorter. I got up too late for the long day I have scheduled, including earlier morning clients than I typically have. So I am forced to rush through this today…and I had to skip my morning workout. I hope this wasn’t an unconscious attempt at sabotage or something! I don’t trust myself entirely yet, so I wouldn’t put anything past me!
Also, although I was “good” all yesterday, eating well and moderately, I think I blew it all by drinking several cups of decaf into the late evening, AND, eating peanut butter by the spoonful, out of the jar. I’m not really sure what motivated me to have such a late night orgie of coffee and PB, but I can still feel the congealed glops of gooiness in my gut this morning. Even the coffee that I had before and after, didn’t wash this down. The fact that it was “natural” peanut butter, probably means little in the scheme of things, and I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to that restless, munchy feeling I sometimes get in the evening. I had already eaten a filling dinner of a salad with chicken strips, crushed walnuts, hot peppers, shredded cheese and some raisins…so have no excuse for nibbling afterwards. I weighed myself last night after dinner and before “snack” - and weighed 294.3….which should have led to a lower amount this morning than I weighed-in at. Assuming a 1.5-2.0 lb. drop overnight, as I find is typical for me.
But, blah, blah, blah….nothing new for me. And, it could have been worse, I suppose. It could have been regular PB (gasp!) or chips or something. Or an entire mammal, dinner for 8, and the next day’s meals. All of which I also wouldn’t put past myself when I get in that “way.”
But still, if I really wanna go straight AND lose weight as I keep moaning, why do I take such liberties at all. I am sure that it had little to do with hunger.
So, with renewed vigilance as to my wily ways, I will set off to try another day with added advice (see Debras comments on a recent post), and give it all another shot.
I mean, what’s the alternative?! Given the choices, struggling towards better really can’t be disputed!
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Weight: 192.7 lbs.
I CAN do this! I must do this! I am doing this!
I had a good day yesterday, and did my very best to hold tight to the kind words of others and follow proper bariatric and lifestyle philosophies. I started by working out extra hard, which set the right tone for a day of empowerment and vigor to follow.
Tom worked an extra shift yesterday so was gone for all but an hour of the day, and as he had taken my car because his was in the shop, I was stuck home, alone, with a blessed degree of solitary time to ponder life, catch up on cerebral pursuits, and continue infusing myself with support and perspective via the internet. I read several people’s blogs, including ones I had never seen or heard of before. It is fascinating how many people write about their situations, and admittedly, I gravitated most to those who were candid about their struggles as I am. I don’t prefer those with recipes or “just the facts, maam” at this point, but find inspiration in heartfelt journaling from those in the trenches. I was able to see how others struggle with the carb monster, perhaps have gained or stalled, and what they feel and are trying to do to overcome such obstacles. One in particular wrote eloquently of her bouts of stress induced nibbling, with the consequence of a five pound weight gain that was difficult to stand. It helped me to feel less alone in how hard this all is, as well as to derive strentgh from her ultimate resolve to do better. Clearly, I am not the only one who waffles (no pun intended!), struggles, falters, gains, stalls, pulls hair out and loses sleep over the realities of this process. Sometimes it feels really good to know this, and it is interesting psychology as to how this actually serves to motivate and encourage me, rather than crush my spirit further.
Perhaps there truly is something to be said for the fact that misery loves company. And in my case, thrives on it.
In other “good” news, I forgot to mention that I did get the results back from my cpap titration study, and that I am down to a “5″ for my cpap setting! I believe that I started out at oxygen level 18, so this is a huge drop in the pressure necessary for me to breathe properly at night! However, the conservative doctor asked that she not put me all the way down this far from the 11 I tested at last time, as she feared that this might be too much for my system. So, she had us adjust the pressure down to “8″ for now, despite that I am actually lower. This is ok with me and I must trust her wisdom, although I still feel my cheeks puff out at times as air fills my face and has no where to go!
So, today I am actually writing a triumphant and optimistic post for a rare change, and feel the full glories of the moment. Plus, no one is dying or sick that I am aware of for the moment…and just for now, life is good and I am on track! And I’ll take it!!
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Weight: 192.5 lbs.
I am so glad that I got up the nerve to post a query at obesityhelp.com yesterday, regarding my ongoing struggles with food, myself, my weight, my will. I got a ton of awesome responses that have helped bolster my confidence, put things back in perspective, and most importantly, empower me to continue to fight to be true to what I know I must do to succeed. I am now thinking that my problem doesn’t lie in not knowing what I must do, but in having the will, confidence, desire and chutzpah to do it. And that to succeed, I must “just do it!!” Like Nike. One response was something about pulling myself up by my big girl panties, and doing the right thing. I know that this actually feels so much better anyway than doing what I know is bad for me, proving once again that my problem is not in lack of knowlege about WHAT I should do, but in the earnest and consistent push to do it.
What was so awesome about the reponses I got, was that none were condescending or mean spirited, despite the fact that I left myself wide open for and practically invited people to chastise me. Instead, it was so helpful to have strangers on the same journey, share their own struggles, especially when full of carbs and the cravings that are fueled by these. It helps me to see that no ones course has been easy, although some have still lost quicker and with less fuss, than I. Most, in fact. But, nonetheless, no one described this process as effortless or as something they don’t have to remain forever vigilant about. And this reminds me that it is not a race to an imaginary finish line or a one time accomplishment, but rather a lifelong process for which there is no real beginning, middle or end. Rather, the journey is a daily or perhaps hourly one, with opportunies for both good or bad choices each minute, and most people and not just me, falter at times. But, it is more about frequency and degree, I believe, and although one may lose some battles at times, it is the larger war that we should all be concentrating on along with knowing what weapons are needed to win it.
This all having been said and absorbed, I do feel as if I can work once more to put on a better “head”….rather like growing through positive reinforcement, encouragement and example.
Or at least doing whatever I can to be true to myself and my mission and using the tools I do already possess. And the reality is that no one else is going to do any of this for me, and waiting for the perfect moment or opportunity to arise to start, is really just stalling for time.
So, I am feeling more ready to take myself on once again, and do intend to find it in myself to get off carbs and back on track. I agree that the two are inextricably interwoven, and to make this work, I must stop eating carby crap. The reality is that until some months ago, I was much better at avoiding them, but once I allowed myself that first really crunchy, carby treat, I have not gotten out of this bad habit since….despite brief attempts and even a pouch test in an effort to try. I do feel that they are that addictive and alluring to me, and I must find my way to accept that I just can’t allow such indulgences and hope to do well. And yes, I guess that I have known this all along at some level.
Gee…now all that’s left is the panty trick….or something about bootstraps. And possibly a sponsor or twenty to keep me straight when the carbs come calling!
No doubt I will be using obesityhelp a whole lot more in weeks to come!
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Weight: 192.9 lbs.
Yesterday was poignant, yet inspirational. It seems that Zoe’s father was a brillant man who spoke 7 languages, had multiple degrees including PhD’s, a nursing degree and others in sociology and law. He wrote, taught and lived fully up until his recent death. Yet he was also a shy, gentle and unassuming man, and you wouldn’t know of his extraordinary talents as he never boasted or acted superior in any way. There was a wonderful service for him at the Unitarian Universalist Church, and I was touched to tears by so many people’s testimonies and rememberences, including those that Zoe and her husabnd, Dennis, gave.
At the brunch afterwards, I did try a little of much of what was available, unfortunately including some of the incredibly presented and delicious looking desserts. But first, I tried to satisfy myself with the tuna salad, egg salad and salad salad. I did skip the bagels and other pure starches, though also tried some quichey looking stuff that was quite amazing tasting although no one had any idea what exactly it was.
I don’t regret the nibbles and tastes that I did have, as in such a situation, I know that I would have felt different and deprived if I didn’t at least take a taste or two. I did watch my skinny colleagues and friends who we sat with eat all they wanted and enjoy wothout reserve, and must admit to feeling a tinge of jealousy for their ability to do so unthinkingly and without seeming guilt or question. For good or bad, this just seems so simple somehow compared to the perpetual questioning, doubt, guilt, remorse etc. that plagues me and many more like me I am sure.
Afterwards, Tom and I wanted to go see the Gay Men’s Chorus perform just a short distance away on the west side, but there were a few hours to spare in between. We hated to drive home to the northern suburbs and then back again, plus as we were already dressed for the occassion, we decided to run over to Slots, which is just over the border blocks from the church our concert was scheduled for.
Unfortunately, this made seeing this wonderful and inspirational chorus a more expensive endeavor than the $20 ticket price, and we felt a little heavier hearted trying to enjoy them but knowing that in the few hours before, we lost enough money to have treated some friends to their performance as well!
But, nonetheless, we are glad that we went, and they sang such beautiful songs, including “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother,” “You Raise Me Up,” “Nine Hundred Miles,” and my favorite, “Somebody To Love.” We had great seats as we got there early, and the acoustics were amazing. And interestingly, the conductor, Barbara Wagner, was the same woman who played the piano just hours earlier at Zoe’s father’s memorial, as she is also the music director at the UU church!
The only problem and one of my own making, was that we did not eat or drink at all from around 2:30 at the brunch, and until approximately 10:00 when the concert ended. I was starving during it, and felt rather weak and exhausted as a result. In fact, I nearly fell asleep during the slower numbers, and felt incredibly irritable afterwards, and know this was a direct result of lacking fuel. And was probably made worse by the carbs I consumed for lunch.
So when we got home around 11:00, tired and starving, I did eat a cheese stick as well as drank several glasses of crystal light. Not great, but I feared that I would perish in my sleep if I didn’t do something. Tom ate like a whole meal as he too was overwrought and starving, and I feared that he would have gerd all night. But, he seems to have done ok, if you don’t factor in all the other reasons why this is a terrible thing to do moments before bed.
Well today is already gearing up to be less traumatic or inspirational or stressful or fast paced or whatever, and we are looking forward to some R & R. Tonight is our monthly metal detecting club meeting, but other than that, we are mercifully free.
I do plan to run another mile or two on the treadmill and stay true at least, to my exercise regime, and keep hoping that the rest will follow. I usually do much better on slow days like today, so perhaps I can get my foothold, at least for now. And as Callie remains well (and everytime she does even something simple like jump up on the couch, eat or purr, we thrill in how recovered she is!), so the house is no longer filled with feelings of dread, hypervigilence, and fear. I might actually jusr enjoy staying home and being domestic, and can’t wait to go get started!
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June 30th, 2010 | 
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