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Weight: 194.7 lbs.
I am mercifully off today, but feel as if I may have a breakdown from the blur of the stressful week. There is much that I’d like to do with this glorious time off, but my body is beckoning me to take it easy and to just sit for a spell. I may need to vegetate to recover from a week of significant physical and emotional stress. Tonight Tom is going to the ball game with some friends on tickets I got him a few months ago…which will leave me even more opportunity for true R & R. I may even read like a book, or something. Wheeee!
I desperately need to rebalance and refuel, and it is best if I try and conserve energy by keeping my focus more inward for now. I am going to make a concerted effort to not scatter myself about town today (ie: the garage sales I said I’d never go to again!), and expend too much time or energy focusing on others. I do expect to talk to my friend’s sister to see how her visit with my hospitalized friend went yesterday, and to solidify plans for visiting her this weekend. Other than this, I think that I will try not to connect with anyone else unless compelled to, as I tend to invest in too many people’s lives and feelings, and this can perpetuate my feelings of depletion. Today I really must nurture and rejuvinate ME!
Starting with my diet and exercise. Both of which suck lately! Yesterday I had a grand start (eggs) as well as a healthy dinner (tuna, tomatoes, mushrooms with a little dip, and strawberries for dessert), but blew it all when I ate 2 bowls of popcorn for snack. I seem to keep doing this, and feel as if I nibble out of feelings of restlessness, anxiety and agitation. I would be better of burning this negative energy with a nice walk or something. But I have been lazy too, and when there are moments of down time, all I want to do is drool in front of the tv. With a snack.
Usually when I get this way, it is because I am burnt out. I know that I am quite toasty right now, but have high hopes for today to remedy some of this.
So my mantra for today is about protecting myself from the needs of others for right now, nurturing my soul and spirit through relaxation and solitary hedonism, and refueling through the use of healing and healthy foods and the expenditure of energy in positive and focused ways.
Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it!? All the ingredients for a newly inspired me! I feel better just thinking about it. It’s ME day and I’m gonna celebrate!
Or maybe I’ll just go back to bed….
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Weight: 295.0 lbs.
…except for when it’s not. Maybe it’s a zebra, or an antelope or a zebu.
Like my good friend’s illness, of mysterious origin and nature that has led to her hospitalization.
We visited her last night and I am sad and stressed by the state of things and the ball of wax that represents the complexity of her physical, emotional and chemical health, intertwined and confusing. She is despondent and anxious, and I am trying hard to be a voice of reason and optimism, but it is hard. Inside I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem and of her needs. And am trying hard to be present for her and for her sister, who is languishing under the pressure as well.
I only hope that I have something to offer, or that what I can do, is helpful. I tend to feel impotent in the face of such demons, and I don’t do impotent well. I eat…!
Like I eat under stress or pressure or when anxious. Which lately, seems like always! Which is probably why I gained, and continue to feel like I am spinning in the wind rather that the keeper of my own choices and destiny. As I had hoped.
Yesterday I had an incredibly frustrating and taxing day at work, and had to leave abruptly with much undone, to ensure enough evening time for the above visit and other tasks related and unrelated to this. I was grumpy and irritable from stress, and angry with dear hubby who decided to himself prioritize his exercise regime over all other things, leaving errands undone and the like. Basically, he decided to walk back from work after his a.m. shift, leaving his car miles away, and then walk back to retreive it for his afternoon shift. He was actually going to bike back, but when I called from work to remind him about the errands (which he couldn’t run w/o a car!), he said that he was gonna bike back, and I told him I’d flatten his tires if he did!. I actually said this! The route from our house to his job couldn’t be more trafficy and dangerous, especially now that there is serious construction taking place. And he wanted to bike these miles just to kick up his exercise regime? Needless to say he chose to walk back instead, although I wasn’t thrilled about the whole idea period, as I was angry that he blew off what needed to get done to move his body, and that I feel I can’t even do a 30 minute stint in the basement, as there is too much else to tend to. So between his timing, disregard of necessary tasks at a time when I feel my back is most against the wall and I need his help, and my sense of frustration and martyrdom, he was in the doghouse. (Although I did let him out this morning!)
I am glad that the coast seems clear this evening, although I am long overdue in talking with my out of town friend who is due for a 2 week visit starting in a week. I am still uncertain as to the details of her trip, and need to nail these down to ensure that we fit her in and such. I am glad it isn’t this weekend that she is arriving, as we have promised to visit my hospitalized friend and at least for now, I want to be there for her as much as possible. Its hard to know how much longer she will be there or what course things will take, so I feel its best to be as on top of things as I can.
Before heading there last night, Tom and I ate out, which we rarely do these days. We now typically only do this when with company or on special occassions. But yesterday we hit the road running as soon as we both got home, and went to Old Country Buffet for a quick feast. I chose broiled fish and some salad, although did cheat on a few baked beans and some chicken noodle soup (comfort food!). And then I blew it altogether by slurping an icee for “dessert!”
It has been just like this all week. A mixture of “good” and “bad” - discipline followed by indulgence. Stress eating and following no real plan. Having a decent day, and then blowing it over a silly snack or an unplanned dinner. Sabotage? Anxiety? Stress? Time constraints? All of the above?
Whatever. I am clearly not losing here, and must take stock. But when? And how? This applies to exercise too. Unlike Tom, I haven’t done formal exercise in a week or so now, and have a hard time prioritizing this when there is so much else going on. As if it will detract from whatever else I must tend to.
Clearly I still need to find my way, and unlike a recent comment from Debra in which she finds comfort and familiarity in following a strict routine, ESPECIALLY in times of stress, I only become that much more of a mess.
Probably because I never learned and solidified a way of doing and being that is healthy and second nature, in the first place.
…and I’m worried about my zebra friends…! (While I am busy being a caribou!)
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Weight: 194.6 lbs.
Yesterday was my sleep doctor appointment, and although I resented having to go, I am glad that I did. She took my vitals (and my BP was 128/89 I believe…I’ll hafta look into this as it is higher than it reads when I take it at home and I am nice and low). I also weighed 196 fully clothed on her high tech scale. We discussed my weight loss and since I have not been there since September, I am down a decent amount and she wants to do another titration study on me to see if my pressures needs to be adjusted downwards again. I will borrow the machine when it comes in in a few weeks, and use it as it reads my levels for a week, and theoretically it will register where I am now at, O2 wise etc.
Then, we discussed my having another sleep study, and this was scheduled for next February, with the assumption and hope that I will have lost more by then, and they can reevaluate more accurately whether I still have apnea, and if so, to what degree. This will serve as a goal point for me and a date to shoot for that hopefully motivates me to do my best to lose between now and then. I desperately want to beat this apnea, and although she was clear that for many weight alone does not cause it, I still am optimistic that if slim enough, I may no longer need a machine to breathe.
As to whether I needed one on my way up weight wise, she said that she is sure that I did have apnea way earlier than when I was diagnosed, and that this just wasn’t known or caught until it got severe. Geez…I wonder how many years I may have had it for and never knew, and if this contributed to some other health issues I had.
Well, at least I feel on top of this all and in good hands now. Given the importance of this, I didn’t mind doling out the cash for it. However, it sure gets hard when doctor appointments pile up over here, and nothing is covered anymore. I do worry some about the cost for my upcoming bloodwork, as the bariatric nurse already told me that the panel is super expensive as it is very comprehensive. I am not sure whether, or to what degree our insurance will cover it, as they said on the phone that they needed to know the exact breakdown of what will be ordered, in order to speculate.
In other unrelated news, I spent hours on the phone last night catching up with friends, starting with my ill friend’s sister who updated me on her rather dire condition. We plan to visit her in the hospital this evening, and remain very worried about her. Then, I talked with Barb and got all caught up and then some, only to hear immediately after, from our metal detecting and garage sale friends, Joe and Kathy. They want to take us to dinner for all the help we gave this weekend, and we talked for hours before making plans to get together one day next week. All the while, Tom was snoring away from the bedroom. And once again, I didn’t get in until later than I meant to. And am tired this morning likely as a result.
Hopefully today will be a relatively uneventful day, although I am anxious about my friend. I guess we’ll also just have to wait for the weekend to kick back the way we need to, with down time that is truly DOWN. I need to get back in the exercise routine, and must admit that I haven’t even gone to the basement other than to do the laundry. I hate to start if I can’t recommit to a daily routine, so I have put it off until I am in still calmer space. But hopefully come the end of this week, I will feel less rushed and distracted and pressured by life, and can make this a priority once again. No doubt it will also help with balance and stress releive, which I continue to strive for and need.
One of these days….
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Weight: 194.6 lbs.
I actually slept long and hard last night, and I feel balanced and human so far today, as a result. One should never underestimate the importance of sleep for phyxical and emotional well being, and clearly I have been needing some for a while. I probably could have slept even longer, but Tom was instructed to wake me at 6:00 before he left for work, as I have an early appointment with the sleep apnea doctor this morning. Speaking of sleep….
I am actually not sure why I need to go other than that they said I had to. I seem to be doing just fine with my apnea machine as it is, when I actually am able to sleep, that is. And since we no longer have insurance coverage for routine or preventative matters, I always resent the need to placate doctors this way. I wasn’t even asked to bring in my machine, so its not like they are evaluating my numbers or anything. On the phone they said I had better come or they could stop approving me for supplies (like new rubber masks and such which I receive every 6 months).
I would love to no longer rely on them and this machine to breathe properly at night, and wish the weight that I have lost thus far translated into this. I don’t really understand how at this weight going up, I apparently didn’t have apnea (or at least was blissfully unaware of it, if I did), while I still do and have been told I likely now will forever, while losing. I think maybe it was Debra who said that only if one loses down to skinny, is there hope that they may no longer have apnea. And obviously this isn’t happening on this end anytime soon. Although I must admit that if anything motivates me right now, this does. I would love to no longer be reliant on equipment and doctors one more way. I am still loving being off all my meds, and the freedom from constant doctor appointments that this affords me.
Speaking of which, I got a big shipment of Celebrate vitamins in yesterday, and am thrilled to be good to go for another three months. This should take me right up until my summertime blood work-up, and I am still eager to see how I am doing. Under most circumstances (ie: when I am not pushing past my limits exertion and sleep wise), I feel well and good, and hope that this means I am ok on the inside too. I expect that the bariatric center will send out an order for blood work in June or so, as I was last told that I should return for follow up with them in July, and we would review everything then. I can’t believe that I will be coming up to my 14 month mark then, and feel I better pick up more speed on my weight loss as I am certain to be losing any bariatric advantage I may have left, soon.
I guess that I have been dragging my feet on being disciplined and choosing and sticking with a solid action plan, and still need to wrap myself solidly around this. In case you haven’t noticed, I keep getting side tracked and even making excuses (albeit good ones!). I am losing ever so slowly as a result, and if I averaged, I think it might come out to only like a pound a week or something. Surely in the 13th month, people are typically still losing better than this when there is yet much to go. At some point, I’ll look into this more, and try to reinfuse myself with some bariatric wisdom. Also, Tom announced this morning that he is now down to 193, and I can’t have him beating me either!
So, I am hopeful once again that with the balance and perspective that a good night’s sleep brings, that I can move forward more sanely once again, and have a more “normal” week lifestyle and focus wise. Although I do know that I’ve said this before, and it doesn’t always last. Because it seems that I’m never sure if I am running my own life, or it is running me.
Whcih the good news about is that no one can accuse me of being lazy or idle, not having friends or a social life, or wasting away. And as I lose even more and can be more active, confident and social, I only wonder how much MORE hectic things can become!
Eeeekkkk!
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Weight: 194.4 lbs.
I am surging with energy as I write this, and have been alternating between this and utter exhaustion for days now. My body is still stiff as a board and my back feels as if I could snap in half if I bend wrong. But my mind is alive with the sound of music, and my energy levels are amazing. I am sitting here wondering if I suffer from bipolar disorder, given how infused with energy that I feel. And how little sleep I seem to be getting at night, as I keep waking in the wee hours and my mind is racing. On Friday night after overextending myself emotionally and physically, I didn’t sleep at all, and finally threw in the towel at 2 am and got up altogether. I took a long bath, fussed and watched tv until we left at 6:30 for Joe and Kathy’s house. On Saturday night, after hallucinating my way back home from utter exhaustion and sleep deprivation, I fell into bed around 10, but also slept fitfully at best. I also arose early yesterday morning, and again today despite the ability to sleep in. At 2:23 am I thought of getting up as I awoke and was staring at the clock, but willed myself to stay in bed and “try harder”. I guess that I did eventually drift off, but my sleep was fitful, fraught with bad and wierd dreams, and agitated. I am not sure what any of this is about, as I am past the need for speed at this point.
Last night Tom and I did attend our metal detecting meeting and it ran unusually long as they held an auction of old historical and detecting books and this took us until 9:30 pm. It was good to see Joe and Kathy under saner conditions, and Kathy said that they raised over $2400 at the garage sale, and there are still large furnishings to sell off on craigslist or such. This is great news, and Ten Lives said that it was their best garage sale ever. Perhaps I am still reeling from all the overwork and stimulation involved…? But if I don’t return to “normal” soon, I may become concerned.
This morning, Tom had to drive friends to the airport at 5:00 am, and he too is getting weary and crunchy under such demands. He typically goes to bed by 9:00 on school days as he has to get up so early to drive the school bus, but he has been later to bed and even earlier to rise lately, and although it sounds as if he is actually sleeping in the middle, he is very tired as a result of everything. Clearly we both need a break here!
Today besides the laundry that has piled to the ceiling and numerous errands including an overdue oil change and the need to pick up my new glasses, I am “off.” Poor Tom must work, and he has also agreed to accompany me in getting the above stuff done. We also need to grocery shop, as we have little decent or fresh food left. Once again, it is time to eat more midfully and better…although yesterday I did ok. I did make myself eggs for breakfast, had some nuts later, and a big salad with turkey, walnuts, hot peppers and other goodies in it, for dinner. I am trying to both rehydrate and eat better, to still make up for the deprivation of adequate liquids and proteins during the weekend blur. I clearly struggle under pressure and time constraints, and wonder how others manage to remain on track when life is so crazy.
The good news is that our lives may be slowing down for a while, I think. Memorial Day week, my childhood friend Sue is coming in from Carolina and staying in town for over a week. I know that we will pick back up some speed then, as we usually try to fit many things in when she is here. She will be staying at Pete’s house, giving us an excuse for frequent visits and a lot of playing. Pete is in The Music Man that same weekend, and we all also have plans to go see him perform with the Buffalo Philharmonic.
But, I digress. For today, for now, life is sane(r) once again, and I just need to let my body and mind accept this and find some peace. Energy can be a great thing, but in excess like I seem to be feeling it, I am warping out and need to chill. Although it would be nice if my metabolism and weight reflected such mania, and sped up as well!
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Weight: 194.3 lbs.
I am walking like a neandrathal today, as every body part hurts or is stiff from another day of hard labor yesterday. I am hunched over and my arms feel like they are swinging at my side (and I think my forehead may even be growing - LOL!)
We arrived there at 7 am, and hit the road running. We didn’t get home until after 6:00, although the garage sale itself wrapped up by 4:00. We must have boxed up 1000 things, took down 25 tables, loaded 2 cars and generally exerted ourselves every which way, as the company that set the massive tent up was due back to pick it up at 4:00. Quite a design flaw if you ask me!
A very funny thing is that when we got home there was a message on the answering machine from a co-worker friend of Tom’s saying that they had their garage sale today and he remembered that we might want some left over stuff for our cat charity, and he wondered if we wanted to come pick it all up when his sale was over. Aghhhhh!!!
Did I mention that I never want to see another garage sale again?!
Despite the trauma of it all, the good news (besides the few thousand dollars raised for the kitties!), is that I managed to lose more weight doing this than any exercises I’ve ever thought up on our basement equipment. And all this while eating whatever anyone was willing to feed me these two days, including two grilled hot dogs and some pizza. I just couldn’t care, given the long hours, exhaustion and mentality of it all. I had brought a small cooler full of cheese sticks and Atkins bars and such, but it remained unopened in my car. It was just easier to grab whatever was a- foot and eat like the natives, I guess. I can also honestly say that I almost never took a break, including to eat, and even with a weenie in my hand, I was running around organizing, selling to hoardes of customers, or dealing with something necessary. It must have been the highest maintence sale, given its size and the enormity of “merchandise”, that I have ever dealt with. And although there was a team of volunteers, especially on Saturday, there still were not enough people to cover all that was necessary. Especially on Friday, this turned me into maniac woman, and I had some now humorous moments where I was getting increasingly freaked out by Kathy allowing people to shop even though we weren’t open yet and trying to set up. I couldn’t believe how many people came, given that the sale wasn’t until Saturday, and they were getting into things I was trying to move, unpack, price etc., needing help, change, to talk etc. Basically making a hard job even harder and less organized. Plus, they were walking off with amazing bargains as Kathy didn’t even know what items there were, and they were digging for and finding stuff that was very valuable (one lady got 3 diamond tiaras with original price tags still on them in excess of $100 value each, for $5 from Kathy because she was caught off guard and hadn’t thought it through). Anyway, this all was freaking me out, and by the afternoon I was kicking people out despite Kathy’s generous attitude towards them. Especially from the garage, where I was mostly working and feeling very territorial over. There was SOOOO much to do, and I was getting grumpier as it was getting later and later, and customers came even into the evening.
Well, at around dinner time, I had it, ranted that I couldn’t work under such circumstances, told an old man with a cane who was blocking my way that he just had to go, and generally blew my stack. Until Joe, who had just gotten home from his day job, came out of the house to restore peace. And tell me that that was his father who I just kicked out! And before that, the neighbor children who had come to help.
Echhhhh….!!!
Did I mention that I am soooo glad that it is all truly, finally over.
And that it may be a few days before I exercise or even walk like a modern (wo)man again?!
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I can’t write here tomorrow morning as I have to be back to help at the garage sale too friggin’ early to stand it, and I am so beat from helping for over 10 hours today, that I can’t move! I am certain that I have lost a pound or an inch or two, as I have never worked harder in my life. Nor seen a garage sale as big in my life, ever! Seriously! There’s is like the garage sale that ate Buffalo, and it beat even me at my own game. I consider myself incredibly hard working, organized and capable, yet even after 10 straight hours of hard labor with a team of volunteers, there are still dozens of boxes we had no time to go through, stuff everywhere, and more things than I have ever seen in one place before. And I am the queen of garage sales.
I also now feel so traumatized by junk, that this may have cured me for good! I don’t think I ever want to have or even shop at one again as long as I live! And I thought ours was huge!
Way to work out…!!
I’ll be back on Sunday, if I’m not buried under feet of bargains or die of exertion!
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Weight: 196.1 lbs.
I am as tired as can possibly be this morning, and for some reason feel as if I haven’t slept in weeks. I had to get up extra early and drive the van which is already loaded up with garage sale cast-offs, to Kathy and Joe’s house where the big sale will be held tomorrow. I am due over early and for an all day pricing and organizing fest, and tomorrow, I am helping with the sale itself. No doubt I will also help by purchasing a lot of other people’s crap, and reload the van enroute back to our house. This too will be helpful to the cause, I am sure!
Unfortunately, as much as I am eager to help and like to do such things, I am soooo tired today that I fear how helpful I will really be if I don’t pick up some speed…which I feel I need to do both literally and figuratively today!!
Last night was the Compeer banquet, where I think I expended my emotional energy a little too much, and between this and the late night phone call with (another) troubled friend, I feel depleted emotionally as much as physically.
Yesterday at work however, it turned out to be an unusually light day for an unusual reason. It seems that our President (not of Aspire, but of the United States!) decided to lunch at a Chicken Wing establishment a mile or two from our building, which closed off all routes in and out of our place for a chunk of the early afternoon. Coinciding exactly with when I had the most clients scheduled, including an “intake” (new client) who was due in from the southtowns, and whose staff was grateful I called with a heads up, so they too didn’t get caught up in road closures and roadblocks and police redirecting, like the others who tried to get to our site did. One staff with a client in tow, called from her cell half way into the client’s scheduled session time with me, to say that they had been trapped on the expressway and such for an hour, and were being blocked from all attempts to exit anywhere near us, and her GPS was having a heart attack. Needless to say they were throwing in the towel at trying to keep the appointment. My intake decided to can it as well.
We have to document any reason that an appointment is not kept, by writing why on a few different forms. It certainly was a first that “Presidential calvalcade” was the cause!!
Later, an e-mail from an Aspire employee who apparently just hapeened to be lunching at Duff’s with a client, came in. She described how the president approached them and shook their hands, and asked her about Aspire as she was wearing her badge. She said that she took pics that she will hopefully post to e mail later, and was so stunned and overwhelmed she cried like a baby. Pretty cool for happening to be lunching out, don’t you think?!
And I’m trying not to joke about it paying to eat poorly after all, or something. LOL!
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Weight: 196.4 lbs.
I ate too many strawberries (and soup and nuts and some pretzels!) yesterday. Tom and I discussed shopping for more berries at Aldi’s and agreed that this time I would stop on the way home from work, and pick up another quart or two. Along with other “necessities”. I came home 2 quarts heavier and $20 lighter, only to find 2 more newly purchased quarts in the fridge already. And Tom who arrived moments later and said that he thought he was to get the strawberries, and I was to get the other stuff. ???!!! Does this make sense to any FEMALE readers?!
Anyway, I then felt compelled to eat up as many as I could lest they spoil, which was the beginning of a snack fest that lasted into the evening and until Debbie left us about 10:00 pm. I was no saint in the restaurant we chose, and although Greek, I cheated on a bowl of my favorite “cheeseburger soup”, which half of filled me up so much that I could only eat bites of my Greek chicken dinner. You’d think that a day of a “normal” breakfast and lunch (including nuts) and then strawberries and a little soup wouldn’t have wreaked such havoc on my weight, but this combined with the late pretzels I munched during Debbie’s visit, must have put me way over the top sodium, calories and carb wise. But, my philosophy is still that some days are like this, and if the bigger picture remains brighter, I remain less guilt ridden and messed up over every indulgence. If I continue on this path however, that’s another story. Could I be losing faster and likely be healthier and less carby than I am…of course. Do I feel compelled to be at the expense of the feelings of normalcy and calm that I have finally found; not now. I still feel in decent balance, which is a rare commodity for me, and I don’t want to tip the scales (no pun intended!) at this point.
I do continue my workouts and feel rubbery from exertion as I write this. I did reverse the order of things again today, although when I work out immediately upon waking, I risk falling asleep on the treadmill. I still have fantasisies of being sucked into the mechanism like George Jetson! That oughta wake me up!
Later today is the Compeer banquet, which means that I will need to get dressed up for work too, as Tom is picking me up from there this evening so that we can head straight out. I am still more tomboy than elegant, so am not overly thrilled about this. And I think today is dress down day at work to boot!
Yesterday Debbie and a few others at work commented that I looked especially thin in the outfit I wore, so I must be doing something right fashion and perhaps exercise wise. We know its not my weight!
So…I remain optimistic that I am getting where I want and need to be, albeit ever so slowly. My attitude, energy and perspective feels good to me, and I have found a decent place to sit with myself a while. It feels as if less energy is being spent on bariatric pursuits and the monitoring and obsessing about diet and such. Perhaps someday I will shake it up harder and choose a different way of doing things, but for now I am content and ok where I am. This even allows for energy to focus on other things of meaning and concern, like struggling friends and summertime projects. And in living in this more balanced way, my secret hope is that my weight will drop some anyway in response to the extra things I naturally take on as I live fully and move my increasingly limber and responsive body along the way.
You know, like “normal” people!
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Weight: 196.1 lbs.
I am a hovering mess, with my weight apparently refusing to budge down into a more exciting number. Interestingly, last night, I weighed myself just before a light dinner, and weighed “only” 196.4, making me think that this morning I would be less. I must have eaten a 2 lb. dinner or something, because obviously I didn’t drop the usual 2 lbs. that one loses when they sleep or else I gained 2 lbs. from dinner before losing some from my beauty rest. Perhaps this is normal and a result of rehydrating myself after work, but I was all geared up for some excitement this morning.
Sigh…there’s always tomorrow.
And speaking of sleep, I had vivid and wierd dreams last night, including one thematic for a large fish that it was my job to care for, and that I left without water in a bathtub instead. I was angst ridden about how to tend to this massive creature, and plopped it into a stand alone tub with every intention of caring for it, but just didn’t know what to do. I watched it gasp and repeatedly move its big fish mouth trying to breathe, before I got the brilliant idea to bring it some water. Duh!!
From that point forward, I was exhilirated with a sense that I could be helpful after all, and had a plan. I needn’t sit by and watch the poor thing flounder (no pun intended!). I ran off to find buckets to fill, and kept a good pace as it took a lot to fill the tub past its mouth and all.
Although the dream had no real ending (or plot, really), I do believe it may symbolize the impotence and worry and responsibility I feel towards a friend who is also floundering right now. I have been unsure how to be of help and support to her, and feel she may be drowning before my eyes. I wish I felt the same degree of empowerment I finally felt at dream’s end, in real life, but I did end the evening with some ideas I do hope to share with her soon that I hope may be of some help. Perhaps these revelations mirror those about providing sustenence in the form of water, in my dream. I hope it goes as well in real life, and wish it were this simple.
Tonight another friend is due over for dinner, and it has been a long time since either of us have had any free time to get together in such a way. I will be glad for the chance to catch up and schmooze. Tom and I also have to load the van up with everything left in the garage so that I can drive it over to the charity garage sale bright and early on Friday morning. We have to do this today as straight from work tomorrow night is the Compeer Appreciation Banquet, and he is picking me up from work in my unloaded car and with his Compeer in tow, and we won’t have time to load up then.
We are heading into another patch of busy days and nights, and although I can enjoy such a pace, I’d also like a better run of time “off” on occassion. My new DVR is already nearly full to capacity from taping shows that I’d rather be watching, and in my ocd-ness, I can’t erase them off the darn machine until I have seen each and every episode of whatever it is I watch. I think I need to take a week off to catch up just on this, as pathetic as this may sound! How else am I to know who’s winning American Idol or whether House has had another breakdown yet?!
Well, such is my existence and mindset. I do continue to be “normal” about food, and consider my choices to be decent and moderate in general. I had my usual eggy breakfast, cheese sticks and nut snacks/lunch at work, and avacado/wheat cracker “dinner.” I actually wasn’t hungry in the evening and know that there is practically no protein value to what I chose, but I only wanted to nibble and needed to eat the last half of an avacado I had started two days ago. Usually I eat a more hearty and protein intensive dinner, but actually was glad to eat so little overall, without feeling undue hunger.
Lastly, Tom reported that his weight has crept back down to 194, so once again he is below me and my goal to be less than him has been sabotaged, so I had beeter get on the ball here!
And don’t you hate it when men who eat whatever they want with no regard to anything I’ve ever written about here diet wise, lose without even trying?!
I’ll show him!
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May 21st, 2010 | 
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