Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 194.9 lbs.

I woke up this morning feeling very fortunate about my life and the chances for redemption that I have been afforded. Despite myself, I am decently healthy, sane and in a good place all around. I am happily married to a wonderful man who is caring and kind, have many wonderful friends, and a decent lifestyle. I have a good job that I have been at for over 15 years and feel competent and worthy doing. Tom also likes what he does, and although not rich, we have enough to be content, pay our bills and play at times. (Although Suze Orman would probably disagree!)

Although I bellyache at times, life is generally paced ok, and we manage to juggle all that we have on our plates, including volunteer work and a very active social life.

I still really don’t know how people can add kids to the equation and stay sane, and am glad to never have had a maternal hankering such that I miss having not having tried this out for myself. Cats are about all that I can handle, and ours are plenty needy and affectionate to fill any voids I may have in this area.

What is helping me appreciate my own life so much more lately, is the many tragedies, difficulties, struggles and set- backs of so many that I know and care about. Many of my friends live with chronic stresses from job related to financial to medical to emotional. Some are in acute distress, and are simply struggling to survive. Last night I had a long talk with friends who had to cancel tonight’s dinner plans with us, as their cat “broke out” of their house on Wednesday, and has been running their neighborhood since. They are besides themselves with worry, and have made over 500 fliers, plastered the neighborhood with them, gone door to door, set out safe traps, placed ads, and generally spent countless hours in search of their lost baby. As they are huge volunteers in Ten Lives Cat Shelter, and love cats enough to have 13 of them, this is especially painful for them.

I feel so bad for their plight and am now also worried for the well being of their kitty, as they live in a busy residential area. We also got talking in general about the stresses and hardships of life, and it is amazing that anyone manages to hold it together in this day and age. Their backs were already up against the wall with everyday difficulties, as are most people that I know. It just seems that everyone talks like this these days, and it is hard to tell if life is changing under current hard times, or if I am just becoming more aware as I get older. Or if I just happen to be surrounded by people who are feeling it.

I do feel sad, worried and weighed down by my friends burdens, and it is hard to feel truly good about one’s own fortunes when everyone else seems to be suffering so. Tom and I try to give back what we can, and offer our support and help whenever possible. But in the face of many unsolvable things, often I just end up feeling impotent and anxious, as there is really little to offer. Except support and caring.

So today, this is where my head is, and I am going to take a hiatus from my measely complaints, and count my blessings. From a very difficult childhood in which I was never sure I’d survive, and often didn’t want to, I have risen to a good place where other than the trauma surrounding me and on a global level, the microcosm of my world is good. And given this, I am compelled to help when and where I can - reinforcing my own strength and capability, and reminding me to manage my own minor issues more effectively.  And to look past my own nose to the needs of others. Because if weight concerns and everyday ya ya is all that I really have on my plate, I am fortunate indeed!!!!